Single Parent Households

mmknightly · September 2013

I have a question for those of you who grew up in single parent households: did you notice or were bothered by the lack of a dad presence? I ask because yesterday, my dad said he wants to be a good grandfather to C, as well as a good father figure. I never thought she needed a male to look up to because I figured I'm enough for her. What are your thoughts on this? Should she have a man in her life to look up to?

lady_tytah · September 2013

My daughter when litlle would ask for a daddy. Despite having her grandpa there she still wanted to have her own dad. She didnt have someone to call daddy and it really bothered her. Yes, it may seem like now she is happy but eventually she'll other kids with dads and ask why doesnt she have one. And from experience, it will hurt, to the soul.

mmknightly · September 2013

Wow. Just putting it that way makes me feel like crap.

austenfan919 · September 2013

I don't know from my own experience, but my DH grew up without his dad being around much (he left when DH was 5). It has definitely affected him. He doesn't talk about it a lot, but one of his uncles spent a lot of time with them growing up, and I think that did help.

Single moms do an amazing job, but I do think there is something different dads/adult males offer that is also important. I think if your dad wants to sort of help you fill in that male role model for C, that's great. It's not saying you aren't enough for her.

Whittyone12 · September 2013

My nephew grew up having only spoken to his dad 3x his entire life, he always had my dad there to support him and to help him with any man stuff he needed. He is now the most responsible 20 year old I know. He works 2 jobs and goes to school full time. I think there were times when it was hard for him growing up, father sons day in the cub scouts and that kind of thing, but my dad always went and all the other boys told him how cool his papaw was. Now they are still very close. You do a great job with C. Don't worry your kid will turn out great!

Mrs. Rohde · September 2013

I had both my parents until they finally split when I was 15. I had a shit dad. He didn't need to be there IMO. Sometimes two parents are not better than one.
I think if you surround your daughter with loving people then she won't be missing out too bad. Plus you may meet someone down the line who can eventually fill that role.

lady_tytah · September 2013

mmknightly said:

Wow. Just putting it that way makes me feel like crap.

I wasn't tryi g to make you feel kike shit. I promise. From my experience, it can suck. My parents divorced when I was 11 but seperated when I was 6. I went from my dad and me to mom and me. Both of my parents ended up being shit parents. Can it be done to raise healthy happy kids wihout a kid but I won't dissolution you to think your kid wont have any kind of scars/holes from not having the complete 2 parent combo.

jillybean7582 · September 2013

I think it is important for all kids to have both positive male and female role models in their lives.

In an ideal world a kids mom and dad would fill these roles but lets face it we don't live in an ideal world. Plus now a days there are so many different forms of family. There are plenty of kids who have two moms, two dads, blended families, single parents etc.

Sure there might be times your LO is sad or confused by the absence of her father but if you are providing a loving environment that is all that matters. I think she will be better off and less scarred by having a single mommy and an awesome grandfather to fill the male role model position then she would be by having a shitty father in her life.

rainedrops117 · September 2013

Id rather raise my kid w/out a Dad than a shit one. I know many successful, productive adults who grew up with one parent. My BFF's father was such a shitty mess, she and her brother begged their mom to leave him. How's that for pathetic FOTY.

I think it's great that your Dad is concerned about making sure C is well rounded. But at the same time, I'm sure with a Mama like you she'll be just fine.

shakinros · September 2013

She's lucky to have such an awesome mama. And I agree with the others who said one good parent alone is better than having one good parent, one shitty one.

But the time will come when she sees other kids have dads and she'll wonder where hers is. I think it's lovely that your dad wants to step up for her.

katiejo1216 · September 2013

My parents divorced when I was 4 years old. I saw my dad on a fairly regular basis but I wouldn't consider him someone I looked up to. My mom raised 4 kids successfully without a male figure in our home or in our lives on a regular basis. I think it was harder for her with her sons because she had to deal with a lot of topics that typically a dad would discuss with their sons but overall we are all really happy with our childhood.

My mom is a superhero in my eyes and she constantly surrounded us with a strong support system to ensure we had several good adults to look up to. Teachers, coaches, neighbors, etc. I think it is impossible for children not to wonder about their father or miss that presence but I don't feel like I wasn't loved enough or supported enough.

mmknightly · September 2013

nobadwriting said:

shakinros said:

One good parent alone is better than having one good parent, one shitty one.

Yes yes yes. I also want to add that divorced and happy parents are better than together and unhappy parents. The relationships we are in set the examples for the relationships our children will be in. We should teach them to be in healthy relationships or none at all.

This is so so true. I deserve to be happy. My daughter deserves to see that. Thank you ladies!

bigbootyjudi · September 2013

My parents divorced when I was 2. My mom spent my entire childhood giving him chance after chance because he "wanted to be a good father" and "wanted to be there," and then he would disappear for a few months or call once over the course of two months or plan to see us and then something would "come up." When I was 6, he met another woman and decided he'd re-do fatherhood with their son, so he disappeared. He showed back up when I was 10, with cancer, and my mom gave him another chance. Then, he met another woman when I was 15, had two kids with her, and he kicked me out of their house after a short 4 month stint of living there when I was 15 at 2am (and made me walk over 3 hours away, by myself...at 2 in the morning). I didn't speak to him for a few years, he called a few months after they got divorced when I was 17 and I told him to never speak to me again. I haven't spoken to him since.

My mom wanted a dad for me. She gave him more chances that any man deserved. She also was never single. She immediately found my step-dad, who ended up abusing me in more ways than one throughout the 10 years they were married, and she blindly accepted it because she didn't want me or my sisters to lose our "father figure."

So, speaking from experience, I'll tell you what I walked away with: an amazing grandfather and uncle who were more fathers to me than my father ever was and a mother who I completely disrespected and had an awful relationship with until about 2 years ago.

C needs YOU. That's all. If there was one thing I wish my mother would have done, it was to worry about being a mother to us, instead of trying to ensure we had a father figure. I'm not saying that all women who want a father figure for their children put the men in their lives before their children, but that's what ended up happening in my life.

The short 6 months my mom was single between her 2nd and 3rd husband were the best 6 months of our lives, really. I have never had a better relationship with her (and neither have my sisters) than those 6 months.

MoFree · September 2013

My husband was raised in a single parent household and his maternal grandfather was his primary male role model. For him the lack of a relationship with his father was a very deep pain that only went away when the two of them reconciled 6 years ago. I don't see how having a strong, positive male role model takes away from you in any way. How sweet and loving of your dad to want to play a big role in C's life.

mmknightly · September 2013

She is just a lucky girl who is surrounded by love. I really can't do better than that.

chefnicole22 · September 2013

I'm always scared that just having me might not be good enough for my daughter. It makes me feel so guilty, because it's my fault. I made the choice to be with a deadbeat and she has to suffer for it. I try extra hard to be the best I can for her and I hope she realizes that some day. She has great male role models in her life, but I know it's not really the same. I like this post because it points out that a single and happy mother is better than having 2 parents that hate each other. I don't think any of us would be happy if her "father" were around.

mmknightly · September 2013

@chefnicole22 We're in the same boat, sweetie. Just loving on our little girls twice as hard!

mollyxcate · September 2013

My parents divorced when I was only like 5 or 6 but they had separated a few years before that so it wasn't like I never knew what it was like not to have a dad. I was a daddy's girl so I noticed when he wasn't around. Also my mother clearly preferred my sister my dad even admitted it, it was that obvious. In 4th grade I think it was my teacher asked in class relating to a book 'do you feel like you get treated differently than your siblings?' and I don't remember it but apparently I raised my hand and answered and went on for about 5-10 minutes about how I was not as important to my mother as my sister was. My teacher was horrified but didn't know what to think of it so that night she called my dad and asked him and he told her everything I said was true as far as he was aware. He told me that story himself.

Had it not been for my mother's blatant preference of my sister I don't think I would have minded my dad not being around as much, but since she didn't like me I found myself calling my dad all the time and wanting to go visit him. My sister was the opposite. Kids just want to be wanted.

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