I judge...

uneek1323 · September 2013

*snip*VCGolfNYC said: If you look at my post history, it was longer than an hour; I did take a break as posts stop Aug 22 and return on Aug 27. It wasn't quite a week, but it wasn't an hour.

I am normally not a P&R type of person (which anyone from Dec13 would vouch for), and yes, this week was a bit rough for me as I had an EDD and the 1-month anniversary of the D&E from a separate pregnancy on the same day, started my first period post D&E, and the day I found out my fetus's microarray was actually normal, and for the first time I wondered if we shouldn't have TFMR, someone basically told me I was better off dead because we chose to TFMR. So, yes, I did post looking for support this week. Call me an AW, call that P&R if you want, say that I'm crying a river, or playing the world's smallest violin, call it whatever you want.

I've also been anal about providing support to others, as the banner on the top of the site reminds people that it's a 2-way street. That's one of the reasons my "bump break" was short. Apologies if you see that as P&R or whatnot.

I think - and I could be wrong - but I think PPs are talking about your post on Sunday about how to contact you while you were on a break and then posting Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and today. I am confused. Are you on a break or not?

avioletsky · September 2013

@MrsWallick - I am so happy that it looks like our former foster daughter's case will be closing soon and she will be adopted. Unfortunately, the paperwork wasn't quite in at the last hearing so it has to be postponed. Just for pure paperwork reasons, however, the fact that she will be living long term with a loving supportive and stable family will be worth it in the end. It's been a long almost 2 years. The best part is, she is not going back to the chaos. And the judge knows better than to proceed right now. If he did, it would be detrimental because they may have grounds for an appeal. Bad part is, since the goal hasn't officially changed, they still get to keep contact with her. She hasn't wanted to call for months (6?) because it's just such an awful experience. I wish the kids had more rights. We really never stopped her from calling and had to encourage it. Why should she call if she hates it and it puts her in a bad mood afterwards. We had to end so many calls because of parents fighting or saying really hurtful things on the other end. (Dont worry, we documented everything).

Sometimes I think we're crazy for considering another foster placement. It was such an emotional roller coaster.

BethKate2 · September 2013

VCGolfNYC said:
If you look at my post history, it was longer than an hour; I did take a break as posts stop Aug 22 and return on Aug 27. It wasn't quite a week, but it wasn't an hour.

I am normally not a P&R type of person (which anyone from Dec13 would vouch for), and yes, this week was a bit rough for me as I had an EDD and the 1-month anniversary of the D&E from a separate pregnancy on the same day, started my first period post D&E, and the day I found out my fetus's microarray was actually normal, and for the first time I wondered if we shouldn't have TFMR, someone basically told me I was better off dead because we chose to TFMR. So, yes, I did post looking for support this week. Call me an AW, call that P&R if you want, say that I'm crying a river, or playing the world's smallest violin, call it whatever you want.

I've also been anal about providing support to others, as the banner on the top of the site reminds people that it's a 2-way street. That's one of the reasons my "bump break" was short. Apologies if you see that as P&R or whatnot.

I had no idea that you were on a bump break until I saw your post from the other day about how to get in touch with you. Then, after that, you started several threads over the next few days and I thought to myself, "I thought she was on a break." I just thought it was really strange that you went out of your way to write a post about how people can reach you and then didn't take a break. That just made you look like an AW, IMO.

I get what it's like to go through a rough time and I understand needing a break, but I was just confused about whether or not you were actually taking a break.

You do go out of your way to offer support. I don't think anyone is saying otherwise. Also, the P&R thing wasn't meant for you specifically. This board is just very "puppies and rainbows" most of the time, so I didn't want to question your lack of break and ruffle anyone's feathers.

uneek1323 · September 2013

@snegde, come here so I can make out with you.

MrsWallick · September 2013

avioletsky said:
@MrsWallick - I am so happy that it looks like our former foster daughter's case will be closing soon and she will be adopted. Unfortunately, the paperwork wasn't quite in at the last hearing so it has to be postponed. Just for pure paperwork reasons, however, the fact that she will be living long term with a loving supportive and stable family will be worth it in the end. It's been a long almost 2 years. The best part is, she is not going back to the chaos. And the judge knows better than to proceed right now. If he did, it would be detrimental because they may have grounds for an appeal. Bad part is, since the goal hasn't officially changed, they still get to keep contact with her. She hasn't wanted to call for months (6?) because it's just such an awful experience. I wish the kids had more rights. We really never stopped her from calling and had to encourage it. Why should she call if she hates it and it puts her in a bad mood afterwards. We had to end so many calls because of parents fighting or saying really hurtful things on the other end. (Dont worry, we documented everything).

Sometimes I think we're crazy for considering another foster placement. It was such an emotional roller coaster.

Foster parents are SOOOO incredibly important. It is such an emotional rollercoaster! I've been through so many ups and downs and held parent's hands throughout the process. It was such a rewarding experience. But unfortunately there were also some really rough days and really crazy birth parents. But all the more reason to need great foster and adoptive parents!

golfingdarwinfish · September 2013

uneek1323 said:

*snip*
VCGolfNYC said:

If you look at my post history, it was longer than an hour; I did take a break as posts stop Aug 22 and return on Aug 27. It wasn't quite a week, but it wasn't an hour.

I am normally not a P&R type of person (which anyone from Dec13 would vouch for), and yes, this week was a bit rough for me as I had an EDD and the 1-month anniversary of the D&E from a separate pregnancy on the same day, started my first period post D&E, and the day I found out my fetus's microarray was actually normal, and for the first time I wondered if we shouldn't have TFMR, someone basically told me I was better off dead because we chose to TFMR. So, yes, I did post looking for support this week. Call me an AW, call that P&R if you want, say that I'm crying a river, or playing the world's smallest violin, call it whatever you want.

I've also been anal about providing support to others, as the banner on the top of the site reminds people that it's a 2-way street. That's one of the reasons my "bump break" was short. Apologies if you see that as P&R or whatnot.

I think - and I could be wrong - but I think PPs are talking about your post on Sunday about how to contact you while you were on a break and then posting Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and today. I am confused. Are you on a break or not? ------------
Ok, this makes total sense. I can understand why and how that would confuse people as it was a stupid thing to do and in retrospect, looked really weird.

I thought I was going to break, and I felt bad as I get many private messages on here about genetics, and have been called out in threads on the topic. I only posted the full message about contacting me because I was intending on going on break, and if people did PM me or @ me, I didn't want them to think I was ignoring them or not being supportive.

Then my EDD came and I broke down and didn't want to contact my IRL friends because we had kept that pregnancy to ourselves, and for the one or two that do know, I didn't want to seem like I was coming apart at the seams - so they only knew I was upset because of the D&E anniversary. I didn't know where to turn, so I came back, neglecting to announce that I was returning. Then things continued to go from bad to worse this week (as outlined in a previous message) and I posted more than I had ever anticipated.

So I guess that means my break is over, and that it never really existed. And, I get why people would be confused/bothered/thinking I'm an aw after that chain of events.

uneek1323 · September 2013

Can I just point out that this thread has had over 1,000 views. What does that say about us?

psychmajormom · September 2013

snegde said:

BethKate2 said:

snegde said:

KMW08 said:ye

I judge peeps who post about taking a bump break and really don't. If you're not going to be gone for more than a week, don't say you're taking a break. Even a week is still iffy about claiming it as a bump break in my book.

I'm guilty of this as I called it a pseudo bump break and I think it lasted a week. I thought I was emotionally in need of a break but found that I missed offering support and so I returned earlier than anticipated.

I'm sorry if my actions offended anyone.

ETA: I should say I missed offering support and receiving it. I know it's a 2-way street and I have asked for support many times during my month here.
If by a week you mean an hour. Then yes you are guilty. And you clearly are having a rough time because you have asked for support almost daily this week. But EDDs will do that to you.

I'm glad someone said it. I've been biting my tongue for a few days because I try to avoid throwing a wrench in the P&R vibe of the board.

The P&R is strong sister, but we are stronger. We will prevail. >-

Yep.... which is why I have pretty much quit posting. ...

golfingdarwinfish · September 2013

snegde said:

Damnit @Uneek1323 I am not that fast.

@VCGolfNYC You posted that you were taking a bump break after your bump break was over? So then why didn't you correct people wishing you well?

You aren't puppies and rainbows. You are hurting and a little bit out of control which is making you an AW. People who keep supporting you instead of telling you to get some support and slow down are being P&R. What you need is a little tough love. You have been through hell. But you will be ok. You have made it this far and you are not dead yet. Don't let random people on the internet make you distraught. Don't let being TTA until December when you are blessed to be getting all of the testing you are getting be something worse than it is. Don't play the pain olympics. You are stronger than you think so hang in there and get a hold of yourself. And stop dropping high end clothing brand names because no one gives a fuck. Now go look in the mirror and tell yourself you are stronger than everything you have been through because you are still standing, maybe barely but standing still.

I appreciate your honesty and the tough love. I think part of the problem is that I am strong everywhere but here (and therapy), and so it paints a somewhat miscolored perception of who I am. I don't even recall dropping a clothing brand name, though I can't say how or why I said it because I don't recall the post. I get that no one gives a shit, and won't make the mistake again.

And, I'll invest in a pair of big girl panties. I would much rather be called out directly and given tough love than have someone constantly raising an eyebrow or rolling their eyes when I post. I know that bitch out a bumpie is no longer done (I think?), but if someone wants to bitch me out or call me out on something I said or did, feel free to PM me and do so.

Lastly, you're right, I should have thanked the ladies and that wished me well and told them I was no longer taking a bump break. I make no excuse for that as it was wrong of me. I'm sorry ladies.

snegde et al.

Amores0121 · September 2013

Qfrump said:

Ditto on the smoking for sure! I understand it is hard to stop, but why would anyone ever start?

My contribution is I judge parents when their children are obese. It's not fair to them and setting them up for a lifetime of health issues.

I also do this. Usually the parents are obese too.

Amores0121 · September 2013

VCGolfNYC said:

Agree with the smoking and obese children comments...

I hate to admit this one, but I judge women at the gym who leave all their make up on, keep their long hair down, are decked out in lululemon (or similar brand) and never break a sweat. And then I get a bit jealous if they look like they're in great shape despite this "work out" regimen.

ETA: don't get me wrong, i love lululemon et al, it's just the whole package outlined about that makes me roll my eyes sometimes.

I was just about to make a comment about this as well.

golfingdarwinfish · September 2013

Amores0121 said:

VCGolfNYC said:

Agree with the smoking and obese children comments...

I hate to admit this one, but I judge women at the gym who leave all their make up on, keep their long hair down, are decked out in lululemon (or similar brand) and never break a sweat. And then I get a bit jealous if they look like they're in great shape despite this "work out" regimen.

ETA: don't get me wrong, i love lululemon et al, it's just the whole package outlined about that makes me roll my eyes sometimes.

I was just about to make a comment about this as well.

ETA: Now I don't know if I'm being sensitive. Are you saying you were going to make a comment about my mentioning lululemon in this context? Is this what people are calling out as brand name dropping?

SandSunBliss · September 2013

uneek1323 said:

Can I just point out that this thread has had over 1,000 views. What does that say about us?

Lol. Yep, we're all pretty judgey. I'd say this was quite a success. <:-P

mileswithmyles · September 2013

avioletsky said:
@MrsWallick - I am so happy that it looks like our former foster daughter's case will be closing soon and she will be adopted. Unfortunately, the paperwork wasn't quite in at the last hearing so it has to be postponed. Just for pure paperwork reasons, however, the fact that she will be living long term with a loving supportive and stable family will be worth it in the end. It's been a long almost 2 years. The best part is, she is not going back to the chaos. And the judge knows better than to proceed right now. If he did, it would be detrimental because they may have grounds for an appeal. Bad part is, since the goal hasn't officially changed, they still get to keep contact with her. She hasn't wanted to call for months (6?) because it's just such an awful experience. I wish the kids had more rights. We really never stopped her from calling and had to encourage it. Why should she call if she hates it and it puts her in a bad mood afterwards. We had to end so many calls because of parents fighting or saying really hurtful things on the other end. (Dont worry, we documented everything).

Sometimes I think we're crazy for considering another foster placement. It was such an emotional roller coaster.

One of my very good family friends went through fostering in order to adopt. It was emotionally trying for them because they had already struggled for so long with infertility. Ultimately, they ended up with 2 beautiful twin girls and are a very happy family.

Hang in there. I know that is such a hard road, but I think it is great to help a child in need of a loving family.

KingLED · September 2013

ahenson818 said:

I judge a lot at the grocery store. The examples are endless. My biggest one would probably be people who don't put their carts up. DO NOT be so freaking lazy!! There are exceptions like elderly or handicapped people, but in general, if you are physically able to push your cart to your vehicle, then you can push it to the cart receptors.

I agree with this for the most part, but there are plenty of people (like me) that can ONLY push the cart to their car because they are using the cart essentially like a walker. But if you only see me walk 5 steps or so without something to lean on, you probably wouldn't realize how hard those 5 steps really are. Granted, I don't drive anymore so this isn't an issue anymore. But it was for a long time because getting a cart full of groceries in a wheelchair just doesn't work.

laciou05 · September 2013

ahenson818 said:

LaRomana09 said:

AnyMax said:

@LaRomana I hear you. My grandfather died because of his lungs, and yet four of his children smoke. One of my uncles smoked two packs the day of the funeral. Judged that hard core. Then spoke my mind when it started blowing in my direction.

(((HUGS))) My mom died of lung cancer, so my sisters and I are all pretty judgey about smoking. But the smoking at the funeral (or afterwards, or whenever it was), it just seems inappropriate. I make a point of coughing when I walk by people smoking, to make sure they know that it bothers people. :-w

I do the coughing thing too. A very hard, deliberate cough

I judge parents who send their kids to school and their backpacks reek of smoke (I teach kindergarten). Some kids you can smell when they walk into the classroom. Their folders smell, backpacks, hair etc. makes me think they smoked with all the windows up on the way. Poor babies.

I also judge women who have to wait until their child support check comes in before they renew their tanning membership. I had a part time job this summer and heard this more than once. Wow!!

MrsHamon09 · September 2013

L&C2010 said:
I judge people who get pregnant even though they can't afford it. I'm talking about you, 19 year old cousin with no job and friend who just had her 2nd even though her and her husband aren't working. Fine, BC fails, but when DH wasn't working last year, we absolutely avoided even though I would've loved to be pregnant but we couldn't afford it. I don't want to rely on the government to feed my kid.

I also judge the hell out of my friend. She got married last year and has some health issues that really need to be taken care of. For a majority of the time they have been married, neither of them has been working and they've each been living with their respective parents since they can't afford to get an apartment. One of you needs to go work at Starbucks or something to at least get insurance so she doesn't die.

This 100% my brother and SIL had their 3rd kid while trying but my parents have to pay for everything even jackets for kids so they don't freeze outside...totally judge them

Amores0121 · September 2013

VCGolfNYC said:

Amores0121 said:

VCGolfNYC said:

Agree with the smoking and obese children comments...

I hate to admit this one, but I judge women at the gym who leave all their make up on, keep their long hair down, are decked out in lululemon (or similar brand) and never break a sweat. And then I get a bit jealous if they look like they're in great shape despite this "work out" regimen.

ETA: don't get me wrong, i love lululemon et al, it's just the whole package outlined about that makes me roll my eyes sometimes.

I was just about to make a comment about this as well.

ETA: Now I don't know if I'm being sensitive. Are you saying you were going to make a comment about my mentioning lululemon in this context? Is this what people are calling out as brand name dropping?

No, I was talking about the women that go to the gym looking like they just came off the page of a magazine.

rmpar29 · September 2013

MrsWallick said:

I can be super judgmental sometimes, but I've learned to keep it inside over time. But now I can let it all out!! Haha. I totally agree with the smoking, homeschooling, and a biggie... vaccines!!

I worked in foster care/ adoption for years and I can't even begin with the craziness that I witnessed over there, but I judge every single one of them!
I judge the woman who called CPS on herself because she wanted a break from her kids.
I judge the judge that granted the birth mother custody of her children after I found them an AMAZING adoptive family that they lived with for 6 months.
I judge the mother who had a friend call CPS on her so that she could get free childcare.
I judge the single adoptive mother who gave me back her child because she wanted to focus on a new boyfriend.
I judge the preschool director who tried to hide children at a park across the street, so she wouldn't be in trouble for being over her licensed capacity (I caught her).
I judge the parents who have asked me to fix their child.
I judge the parents that tell me that they beat their children because the bible says spare the rod, spoil the child.
I judge the father who told me he was bringing Oprah to his next court hearing and then didn't follow through.

Ok, I'm done for now. I let myself get a little worked up on that one and I'm sorry for that.

WTF!!! I admire you for being able to handle these people. I'd be arrested for punching them!!!

MrsWallick · September 2013

rmpar29 said:

MrsWallick said:

I can be super judgmental sometimes, but I've learned to keep it inside over time. But now I can let it all out!! Haha. I totally agree with the smoking, homeschooling, and a biggie... vaccines!!

I worked in foster care/ adoption for years and I can't even begin with the craziness that I witnessed over there, but I judge every single one of them!
I judge the woman who called CPS on herself because she wanted a break from her kids.
I judge the judge that granted the birth mother custody of her children after I found them an AMAZING adoptive family that they lived with for 6 months.
I judge the mother who had a friend call CPS on her so that she could get free childcare.
I judge the single adoptive mother who gave me back her child because she wanted to focus on a new boyfriend.
I judge the preschool director who tried to hide children at a park across the street, so she wouldn't be in trouble for being over her licensed capacity (I caught her).
I judge the parents who have asked me to fix their child.
I judge the parents that tell me that they beat their children because the bible says spare the rod, spoil the child.
I judge the father who told me he was bringing Oprah to his next court hearing and then didn't follow through.

Ok, I'm done for now. I let myself get a little worked up on that one and I'm sorry for that.

WTF!!! I admire you for being able to handle these people. I'd be arrested for punching them!!!

Thanks!! I quit after my loss because I started getting super angry that they were allowed to have children and I wasn't

But the good cases were extremely rewarding experiences. I do quality assurance for preschools now (which is how I caught a director hiding children). I guess I'm just crazy!

PinkCamino · September 2013

VCGolfNYC said:

snegde said:

Damnit @Uneek1323 I am not that fast.

@VCGolfNYC You posted that you were taking a bump break after your bump break was over? So then why didn't you correct people wishing you well?

You aren't puppies and rainbows. You are hurting and a little bit out of control which is making you an AW. People who keep supporting you instead of telling you to get some support and slow down are being P&R. What you need is a little tough love. You have been through hell. But you will be ok. You have made it this far and you are not dead yet. Don't let random people on the internet make you distraught. Don't let being TTA until December when you are blessed to be getting all of the testing you are getting be something worse than it is. Don't play the pain olympics. You are stronger than you think so hang in there and get a hold of yourself. And stop dropping high end clothing brand names because no one gives a fuck. Now go look in the mirror and tell yourself you are stronger than everything you have been through because you are still standing, maybe barely but standing still.

I appreciate your honesty and the tough love. I think part of the problem is that I am strong everywhere but here (and therapy), and so it paints a somewhat miscolored perception of who I am. I don't even recall dropping a clothing brand name, though I can't say how or why I said it because I don't recall the post. I get that no one gives a shit, and won't make the mistake again.

And, I'll invest in a pair of big girl panties. I would much rather be called out directly and given tough love than have someone constantly raising an eyebrow or rolling their eyes when I post. I know that bitch out a bumpie is no longer done (I think?), but if someone wants to bitch me out or call me out on something I said or did, feel free to PM me and do so.

Lastly, you're right, I should have thanked the ladies and that wished me well and told them I was no longer taking a bump break. I make no excuse for that as it was wrong of me. I'm sorry ladies.

snegde et al.

IMO this is really obnoxious. I get that you're a scientist and all but can we take the science talk down a notch. There's no need to be throwing around citing references in posts. Really, there's no point to it and it comes off really assholey.

halfcaffeinated · September 2013

I used to be super super judgey, regarding everyone, all the time, which basically made me a prisoner of fear of other people's judgement, plus pretty much allergic to fun. I try not to do that anymore.

THAT BEING SAID, I can't help but judge the people that come to the WTC on vacation like it's a tourist attraction, buying merch like "9/11" hats and shit. I work right by there and pass the site every day only to be thronged by a wall of tourists and accidentally filmed in their weird vacation home movies as I try to walk to my office. It's basically a burial ground. Have some respect.

BethKate2 · September 2013

halfcaffeinated said:

I used to be super super judgey, regarding everyone, all the time, which basically made me a prisoner of fear of other people's judgement, plus pretty much allergic to fun. I try not to do that anymore.

THAT BEING SAID, I can't help but judge the people that come to the WTC on vacation like it's a tourist attraction, buying merch like "9/11" hats and shit. I work right by there and pass the site every day only to be thronged by a wall of tourists and accidentally filmed in their weird vacation home movies as I try to walk to my office. It's basically a burial ground. Have some respect.

I don't think you're alone on that one. A friend of mine went there back in April while she was in NYC and one of the security guards (police?) there gave her shit because she was wearing a Red Sox hat. It was right after the marathon bombing and he said something like, "Are you here to compare tragedies or something? The bombing at the marathon is nothing compared to what happened here." She couldn't believe it. I guess maybe he was taking his tourist frustration out on her...or maybe he was just an asshole.

blackbird818 · September 2013

I judge white knights.

I judge...

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