Tips for baby to accept daddy at night?

=Lee=B · September 2013

I'm looking for some tips/ideas on how to get my husband to be able to help with bedtime duties. Our daughter is 6months tomorrow. I am a SAHM, and will be until she is in school full-time. Our daughter is very laid back but when she does get upset, look out.

She is going through a separation anxiety like period which is making things harder, but she has never responded well if my husband comes in at night when she wakes. She loves him dearly, has tons of fun with him, she is more than happy with him in their morning routine where he comes and takes her for about 45min while he gets ready for work (he wakes her to spend some time with her) then brings her back to me when he leaves and she has a nap with me (I get to sleep while she is with him).

But at night, once I get her down I like to go have a snack or a bath etc. Usually she sleeps through, if she wakes I can usually get in quick and she goes right back to sleep. But, if I can't get in then my husband comes in, very quickly and she FREAKS. Meltdown. He does everything right but nothing works. He used to get upset, sad he couldn't calm his baby. Tonight I was in the tub so it took a few minutes to come, I was hopefully she would calm, but nope. He was holding her, rocking her and signing to her but she was SCREAMING. I walked in, she looked at me, giggled and completely stopped crying ,got happy and playful. My husband burst out laughing. He insists she is very clearly having separation anxiety, says to enjoy it now as in 16 years she won't let me near her etc,.

I get that...but, sometimes I'd like to just have a bath and not have to leap out to come calm my baby, who is in her daddy's arms!

We've tried in periods where she isn't separation anxiety wound to have him come in and sooth her back to sleep...but I end up coming in after a minute or so because she is so upset, I calm her then go again (at my husband's request) but always end up coming in and taking over.

Anyone else have this problem? Any ideas to have her accept him in the evening? I have a few evening things coming up in 1-2months so she will have only him for a couple hours. I'm not too worried because I have the feeling that once she woke if he took her out of her room and played with her she would be fine...she just gets royally pissed if he tries to get her back to sleep. It just isn't his job lol. But, how can we make it his job too?

skibunny59 · September 2013

I have the same problem with DD. (17 months) Ever since she was a little baby she has always preferred me at night and freaks out if DH tries to soothe her. I am a working mom but I'm a school teacher so I get home very early and I have summers and whole weeks off for Easter, christmas, thanksgiving, etc. I am thinking maybe it's because she is with me more that she just wants me at night? I don't know. I am looking forward to see what kind of response you get. For me, it would be super helpful if DH can do bedtime a couple nights of week so I can have some desperately needed ME time. I do all of the bedtime routine (bath, book, nurse, sing and rock to sleep, etc.) and it is getting exhausting. She just wants nothing to do with him at night.

ncbelle · September 2013

I think it's just a matter of persistence. Take turns as much as you can doing everything for her. Does he ever put her to sleep for naps or at night? That might help them find their rhythm together during those evening periods since what she's looking for is the person she knows can help her back to sleep.

And it also helps for both of you to remember that her being angry in daddy's arms isn't at all the same as her being angry/sad alone!

Emerald27 · September 2013

A lot of babies prefer mom to dad (and sometimes it switches in toddlerhood!). I would recommend involving daddy in as many things with baby as you can throughout the evenings, so that even if she prefers you to him as the nighttime "I'm sad and tired and need mommy snuggles" caregiver, he'll get lots of good bonding time before bed.

Here are some ideas for bonding for your DH:
https://www.llli.org/docs/0000000000000001WAB/WAB_Tear_sheet_Toolkit/10_what_about_partners.pdf

And here are some ideas for how he can soothe LO when she's fussy:
https://www.llli.org/docs/0000000000000001WAB/WAB_Tear_sheet_Toolkit/09_fussybabyideas.pdf

If your DH is the book-loving type, he might get a lot from this:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0912500964

Meganequine · September 2013

Like others said, keep at it. Is she calm when you are both in the room? Maybe try both of you being there but Dad doing all the holding, singing, soothing etc. Then you gradually start leaving or getting farther and farther away until she's used to you being gone and both of you being her "person".

=Lee=B · September 2013

Thanks, I guess we can try more. He spends as much time as possible with her. That's why we have him wake her in the morning before he goes to work. But, until the last few days she's gone to bed at 6:30 every night for months, and months and he doesn't get home until about 5:30. They are inseparable on weekends.

He hasn't done naps either...mainly because I nurse her so in the early weeks I put her down and now she tends to go to sleep within a minute for me I just lie beside her and kiss her forehead...so I always put her down. She's never been a fussy baby so I never needed extra help to sooth and calm her. We never had to walk or rock her...she was happy as could be on my chest, in my arms or lying beside me. Aside from the separation panic she has never been one to wake up crying...in the middle of the night she wakes calming saying "ehhhh, ehhh, ehhh" I come in and she's lying in her crib with her mouth open clearly looking for me. Though, I spend more and more time in the bed with her so now I wake to this funny nosey noise when she's hungry. Like she's breathing really heavy in and out the nose saying "booby time".

If we are both in the room she is much harder to put to sleep...she will turn and look at him like "buzz off" "what gives, outta my room" kind of looks. Or, she just goes into playtime mode...which my husband has a very hard time ignoring. When she is asleep he stands outside her door whispering "can I play with her?".

Daddy is just the fun parent, mommy is the soothing routine parent. I think she is having trouble seeing past daddy = playtime!

I just don't know if it is worth it to disrupt a really good thing to have him take over more night routine to get her used to him. She is so laid back...I just change, feed and lie with her and she puts herself to sleep happily within minutes. No tears or anything. It's just that panic when she wakes alone that I'd like her to accept him when he has to be the one to come in if I am busy. Don't get me wrong, we've had long weeks with long evenings of trying to get her to stay asleep. But, it's never really been a 2 person trade-off kind of job. Hence her being stuck on me doing it.

TiffanyBerry · September 2013

If it's not going to be a huge problem for you to be the primary one, then I wouldn't necessarily try changing it. If you were going to be regularly traveling, or gone in the night, that would be one thing. But even now, at 3yrs, my daughter - who loves daddy - won't tolerate him in the middle of the night (and doesn't even really like him putting her to bed). But he can be there for her until I can get there (and tells her so), which is better than not being there at all.

Yeah, it might be nice if she would accept either of us equally, but she doesn't now, and it's not worth the effort to us to change it.

LC122 · September 2013

So, I can share what has worked for us and what I have heard from other people.
For us: we use bedtime routine as an extension of family time. We had two chairs in DDs room, both of us were there for bath, pajamas, teeth brushing, and books; even our dog came in the room for the routine. DD is weaned now, but before, I usually nursed at night and would do rocking, singing, nursing. But I started pumping just so DH could participate in the evening feeding bedtime part. So, periodically, he would take over the rocking, feeding, singing. I think this worked fairly seamlessly and our DD seems fine with whoever puts her to bed now. So, I guess my advice would be for your husband to be present for the bedtime routine and participate as much as possible so it's not so different to your daughter.
According to someone else, on this subject: I don't remember the reason they gave, but they needed to establish a bedtime schedule between the parents (not sure if it was work schedule related or out of equality or what). Basically, they just set up a schedule (either every other night alternated or several days in a row then a switch, or whatever pattern) and stuck to it. They said it took a little while for their child to give up his/her personal preference and just accept that "ok, tonight is a Daddy night, tomorrow will be a Mommy night" but they eventually did and now it works fine for them.
So, I don't know if either of those approaches will work for you, but hopefully so.
Good Luck!

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