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Blended Families
mccall0113
member
DS in tears
mccall0113
member
Today my DS11 (Asperger's diagnosis) confides in me that his grandfather yells at him when he tries to talk about me or his SF. BF takes DS 2x a week and every time they visit they go to grandfather's house. DS told me that he is scared to keep going there. He is also scared for his sister (8) because she like to talk about what happens here a lot. DS has extreme anxiety to begin with. I'm starting to worry about his mental health and wondering if these visits are causing more harm than good. When does this get addressed beyond me complaining to BF? DS often comes home early because of his discomfort. CO allows this. But eventually he's not going to want to visit at all.
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Re: DS in tears
I'm so sorry for your DS
I would talk to BF about it first. Poor kid.
I recently found out that SS hears the same thing from BM. She will yell at him that she does not want to hear about his time with DH.
Parents need to take the ego out of divorce when there are kids. Take the ego out, and then there's no jealousy, drama or anger. So sad what some parents do to their children, all for the sake of themselves.
All my children are Autistic. The eldest who I have been with since birth is confirmed AS. Being very sensitive seems to be a big part of that. Being a boy you have to be tough and not show your emotions. That's hard for someone with AS I think. They have really strong emotions and you have to be firm but gentle with them in my experience. My parents do very well with our eldest but I still see issues with the way my mother enforces discipline or how she addresses our eldest. She just doesn't know how to handle it, doesn't do it on a daily basis and never did it when we were growing up because they didn't really know about this stuff then.
Since it's your BFF (How do you abbreviate that?) I have found that a lot of the opinions the XIL's have come from what the ex has told them. I would definitely talk to BD about grandpa and ask him to do something about this. My concern would be BD talked to DS and telling him he wasn't allowed to tell you those kinds of things anymore so now he's trapped with no one to champion him and the way he's feeling. You'll know best how BD will react. There is a really good book on Asperger's called This Is Asperger's that I've passed around to my family to help them understand what it's all about. If grandpa would read it, maybe it would help.
If he's not seeing a therapist I would think that would be helpful. I would also talk to the team of experts he works with at school to see if they've heard anything. I know mine has talked to therapists during evolutions. I contacted the US Autism and Aspergers association and they provided me with some great resources as well as some local professionals who specialize in these areas. Ultimately to get anything done without BD's cooperation I think you're going to need a professional opinion. I hope that you can talk to BD and explain what's going on and he will talk to his father or will stop the visits to his house for DS's sake. If not, you probably need to build evidence from a professional that these visits and grandfather's attitude is harmful to your DS before the court of BD will do anything. After I had evidence I'd try to talk to BD one last time but if he still refuses to take action, I'd go to the court.
I'm a hellion where my kids are concerned. They need someone to be their champion because they don't know how to handle things at these young ages and most people have no idea how to respond or handle them. For them, many things other people take for granted as inherent social skills have to be learned.
DS2 - 8/08
DS3- 9/09
DD1 - 11/11
DD2 - 10/13
DD3 - Csection Scheduled November 29th
I'd say continue the visits only as long as your DS allows (pick him right away - even if it's a ridiculously short amount of time). If he doesn't have a cell phone, provide him with one, so he can immediately let you know when he wants to come home. Maybe, after a while, your ex will either stop bothering with the visits altogether (if your DS decides to spend maybe less than an hour or whatever), or - he actually starts seeing this as an issue, and will start treating your son (and daughter) appropriately.