Lost, hurt and confused

LipsyRae · September 2013

I recently found out I am pregnant. 8 wks. The father is very upset and distraught and adamant I get an abortion. I do not want an abortion. I am 32 yrs old, he is 37. I do not have any children, but have always wanted them. This was not a planned pregnancy by any means. But life is never planned. He tells me how much he will resent me and he will leave me if I have this baby. He already has a son and is a great dad. I don't know why he is being so hateful to me about this. He claims everyone will look down on me if I keep it, and how everyone will think he's an ass for not being a father to it. He has acknowledged he will have to pay and has said he wants to see him/her once a month. But that's it. Knowing how good of a father he is to his son I'm shocked at his behavior right now. Has anyone else dealt with this reaction from their babies father? Does it change as the pregnancy progresses and after the baby is born?? After our long history together I just can't believe he would really be treating me like this and would really "resent" me for the rest of time??

bakingkitty · September 2013

A couple things need to be taken in account for his actions: 1. how long have you been togethet? 2. How old is his son? 3. It is normal to freak out about an unplanned pregnancy.

Now, that may not change his words but it may explain alittle of his behavior. He is nearing 40, a time that most men figure that they will be close to finished raising young children. Let him process this more and not talk to him about it.

You have to be prepared to know that he may not be there if you keep this child. You are still early, give it some time before you jump to any decision and give both of you a chance to process it.

Monkeybird84 · September 2013

When we first found out that I was pregnant, my BD was excited about it. When he didn't step up and make the changes in lifestyle that we both needed to make in preparation for my son's arrival, I decided that I would be better off raising 1 instead of supporting 1 while raising another so I left. That's when he changed his tune and really showed his true colors, even trying to use his responsibility to the baby as a bargaining chip or ammunition to bully me into doing what he wanted. End result, he didn't get what he wanted and I haven't heard from him since the day my son was born, almost 9 and a half months ago. I had to make some sacrifices, moved back to my parents' house so they can help me with DS and I'm working on going back to school so that I can get a job that will allow me to support myself and my LO. It's a tough road, but it's worth the struggles I have now so that I can give my son a better life in the future.

Only you can really know what's best for you and your baby, but I think PP is right. You should give it some time, but also prepare yourself to be going it alone

EarthandFire · September 2013

My initial impression is transposing emotions. I would venture to guess someone used this or something similar as an MO in the past. You would know his history better than I. For some reason there are women who believe that a father's love for his child will anchor or transfer to the child's mother. Love has to be given freely and not coheres.

I don't know if you've recently been wanting your relationship to become more committed. If you have, this may be further transferring past emotions to you. Just coincidence if that's the case and poor timing.

Maybe I'm wrong but I think you need to talk to him. Explain why you're choosing to keep this child. He's made his ultimatum, keep the baby and loose him. Let the baby go and keep him. You've already decided to keep the baby. Explain to him why you'd risk losing him and all you've built together for the life you carry. Why this little person inside you is so important. If I'm right, maybe if he understands its not about controlling him his decision may change with time.

If I'm wrong, there IS something motivating this response. What it is I couldn't say from your post. Communication is the only way I can see to improve things and work it out from what you said. Thats what I'm getting but I'm one point of view. Good luck. Many of us have been in similar positions as you so post as you need.

LipsyRae · September 2013

@bakingkitty we have been together a year and a half, his son is 5.

babymama619 · September 2013

I don't think you can let anyone make the decision for you about weather or not to keep the baby. Sure he may resent you, but won't you resent him if you get an unwanted abortion? I'm 33 and single and 30 weeks along with an unplanned pregnancy. It's not super easy, but not impossible either. I have a good support system and everyone knows I've wanted to be a mom more than anything, ever.

Whatever you decide to do I think you should take a serious look at your relationship. I could NEVER be with or respect anyone that treated me that way and told me those things. Good luck and know at least here we'll offer any support we can.

jemmy85 · September 2013

follow your heart. I am 28 and just had my first baby. He wasn't planned and I bet if I didn't have him things would have worked out with his dad.. but I wouldn't change it for anything. I love him to death and would move mountains if I could. I can do without his stupid daddy, I know that this little boy will love me no matter what and will be there for me just like I will be there for him. He is the reason I smile and gives me hope that everyday will get better and better.

If he is giving you a ultimatum (my opinion) you are better off without him no matter how much you love the guy. Someone that loves you unconditionally wouldn't put you in this position especially if he has a son already he should understand.

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