Ten years?

LisaG09 · September 2013

I am only 23 and my boyfriend of four months is 27. Obviously we are nowhere near ready but being a toddler teacher at a daycare, babies are definitely on the brain a lot for me. My boyfriend casually mentioned that he thought a couple should date at least ten years before thinking about having kids...this seems sort of excessive to me. WDYT?

StormsGirl · September 2013

Me and my husband waited 5 years to marry, and then 2 years to start trying. I knew I wanted to start trying at 28 and everything else just fell into place pretty nicely.

At 6 months we had the baby talk (he's 13 years older than me with 2 kids already) so it was important for me to know if he wanted to have more kids. And here we are 8 years later and trying.

I would say come up with an age you want to start trying and when you guys hit 6 months or so have the serious baby talk, if he's not ok with your future plans or at least open to them, I wouldn't stick around.

Mysterious_wife · September 2013

You guys have barely knocked the dust off your closet full of skeletons. He may change his mind once/if things get more serious. If children are a big deal for you, you may want to rethink things.

Ducktale · September 2013

He's probably nervous that since you work with toddlers you're going to want one ASAP, so he's just putting it out there so you don't get any ideas.

SmileyJay · September 2013

I think if it happens that you end up being together for 10 years before having kids because you are enjoying each other, accomplishing other goals, or getting your ducks in a row first that is fine... but 33 and 37 would be on the older side of becoming first time parents.

10 years seems excessive. You should ask why he thinks that... maybe his parents were together that long (but met when they were 18 instead of 27) and he just didn't consider that you getting pregnant when he is 37 would mean being 38 at the birth and knocking on 60's door when the kid is headed to college.

4 months is pretty early to start talking about this very seriously though. He probably didn't give it too much thought honestly.

ErinSays · September 2013

My husband and I didn't talk about kids until right before we got engaged, 16 months into the relationship. Slow down, lady. He doesn't mean that, your relationship is just way too new.

Pepper6 · September 2013

GhostMonkey said:

Why are you talking about kids at 4 months of dating?

H and I talked about kids pretty quickly. Not a "OMG lets have babies together this minute" kind of thing, but just in general of getting to know each other such as if we wanted kids at all, how many, ideal age to start, etc. If he didn't want kids, that would have been a deal breaker for me and it would've sucked if we'd been together for a long time before we found that out.

But...OP also has a lot of time to seriously discuss an "actual" timeline with her BF if their relationship progresses. If the 10 year comment concerns you, you can ask his reasons maybe, but I'd be very clear that you are discussing it solely on a 'getting to know you' level, not actually planning your future babies together. Tread carefully though....

lifeonthehill · September 2013

H and I had discussed children before this. My mother was in the process of adopting a little girl and her and I planned for me to have full custody of her before she hit kindergarten. H knew it was like dating a mom and that her and I would be a package deal. Unfortunately the adoption fell through and the state allowed her to be returned to her family.

I think 10 years is a lot but to each their own. H and I wanted to be married at least 1 year which will put our relationship at a 5 year total.

OP I understand wanting to make sure he is okay with having children in the future because I wouldn't have wanted to waste time dating a man who was uninterested in having a family. But it seems like he might be feeling pressured.

Erica314 · September 2013

My fiancé's sister had had her 1st child within 2 months of us starting to date... So that kind of sparked early conversations about "How many do you want" and the like. A man not wanting children would have been a deal breaker for me, so why waste time waiting to have the talk only to find out 2 years down the road that he never wanted kids?

Every relationship moves at it's own pace, and I don't think it's inherently "bad" to talk about baby basics in a new relationship... But OP, I would not take his 10 years too seriously. You're relationship is new, and it sounds like he just means to say that he needs to be sure about you before making the leap to say, "Yes I want a kid with you."

PunkyBooster · September 2013

There is no one size, fits all period of time. I have friends who dated 6 months and got married and pregnant at that point. DH and I were married 6 years, together for 9, before we had DS. It just depends on the couple and what is going on in your life.

You have plenty of time.

LisaG09 · September 2013

Ok, It wasn't a serious sit down talk we mentioned it because He was telling me that his brother and GF were thinking about moving in together after two years and I said I thought that was a long time before moving in together and he said his brother just likes to take things slow and so does he and he then gave the example of waiting ten years to have kids. I'm only mildly worried about it because I don't want to waste my time. It is probably important to mention that I was in a four year relationship with a man that knew my stance on children and he broke up with me because he didn't want kids. I just wonder if I should mention it again or wait or something....

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