Parenting article (re: teens)

fellesferie · September 2013

Yelling at teens: similar effect to physical punishment

This blows my mind. Not so much the idea that yelling is unhelpful (I'm not going to say we NEVER yell, but it is uncommon), it's the recommendations to talk to your teen as an equal. I don't think that's going to happen in my house.

CFjo2010 · September 2013

Hhhmmmm. I guess I can see where the article make a couple valid points. But my parents were yellers when I was growing up, and my sisters and I turned out just fine and don't suffer from depression or exhibit aggressive behaviors.

But treating and talking to my 14 year old like an equal is not something I'm comfortable doing. We AREN'T equals, and giving him the impression that we are equals is severely downplaying my role as a parent and authority figure.

Lavender P · September 2013

I think treating your kid as an equal leads to a lot more issues then occasionally yelling at them. Obviously at some point they become a grown up but until then there should be a hierarchy and not equals.

CurlyQ284 · September 2013

I didn't read the article but we treat SD1 like an equal for the most part now. We didn't before but when she came this summer she had matured a lot. We ha. VERY few issues (only issue was when joking went too far or she made a snotty comment and once pointed out she apologized).

It was funny because at the exchange BM said we would have a lot of trouble with her this summer because of her attitude. BM happens to be a yeller.

So it worked for us I think. I would say this is the best summer we've ever had with SD. I got a ton less attitude and snark this year than I did last year.

Wahoo · September 2013

I don't believe in treating kids as my equal, but I DO believe in showing the same respect I would show a neighbor, stranger, or co-worker. For every negative remark you make to a child you need SEVEN positive remarks to undo the damage. My mom yelled. Did I survive in one piece. Yes. But I hated it and hate when I hear myself yell.

HisChamaoleGirl · September 2013

Lavender P said:

I think treating your kid as an equal leads to a lot more issues then occasionally yelling at them. Obviously at some point they become a grown up but until then there should be a hierarchy and not equals.

SS is treated as an equal in BMs home and I feel that this is one of the reasons we have so many issues with him when he comes to visit. Well he has issues there too, but I can only speak from our experiences. He is 9yrs old and shouldn't be making financial decisions or what the day to day schedule will look like. BM lets him dictate what goes on in their home and it blows my mind. I just write it off as its her house, her rules, but I do see it effecting his life in the long run.

Lavender P · September 2013

I completely agree with being respectful, but there is a difference between that and acting as equals. My kids are not my equal, just as my parents aren't mine.

We have the same problem with SS and BM. I've actually heard her tell him she was going to spend time with her friends that night and he responded that she didn't tell him she was going. She responded she was telling him now and he said that wasn't good enough. She started telling him she hasnt seen them in a long time and she should be able to have friends too. She sounded likehave was he kid and he was the parent. I would lose my mind if my kid thought I needed to consult him first before making plans or having to justify my decisions.

CurlyQ284 · September 2013

wendilea said:
My kids are not my equals. Will I have a rational discussion with them rather than scream and throw things like my mom did? Absolutely. But I don't think I need to ask their permission to do something and they DO have to do as I say.

I guess this is pretty much what we do with SD. Geez does the article say to ask permission?

I just meant that we reason/negotiate with SD instead of saying "because I said so" and giving demands and orders

Ilumine · September 2013

CurlyQ284 said:

My kids are not my equals. Will I have a rational discussion with them rather than scream and throw things like my mom did? Absolutely. But I don't think I need to ask their permission to do something and they DO have to do as I say.
I guess this is pretty much what we do with SD. Geez does the article say to ask permission? I just meant that we reason/negotiate with SD instead of saying "because I said so" and giving demands and orders

You know what - "because I said so" is a perfectly reasonable dictation.

No, not for everything, but the facts and basic science is very very clear. CHILDREN ARE NOT RATIONAL ENOUGH, EXPERIENCED ENOUGH, EMPATHETIC ENOUGH, SELFLESS ENOUGH OR QUICK THINKING ENOUGH to reason or negotiate with.

DD has urgent moments at least 3 times a week, where the amount of time it took to EXPLAIN why Mama is saying no was way much longer than the stock "Because I said so."

And at 17, SS in his infinite wisdom, comes at us with a hairbrain scheme at least once a week. DH and I both know that discussion is not going to work, because he the precedent of him knowing better than us has been set. We have YEARS of experience REASONING with him.

All that has done is lead him to believe that he CAN continue arguing with us because by negotiating with him in the past, he feels like he is equal to us.

And I have seen this over and over and over again in other families. Parents talk to their children as if they are equal and then are agahst that their child fights them when there is a no.

Now, I am not saying that you can't give a reason after the "No, because I said so." But the unequivicle NO comes first.

CurlyQ284 · September 2013

Sure that works for your family. What we do works for ours. When we discuss things with SD, she doesn't argue or fight with us. I think because she respects the process. Last summer she was awful. We all fought like cats and dogs with her. She did some growing up and we adjusted our tactics with her. This summer I can't remember one fight and I had to confront her maybe twice all summer about her attitude.

I don't care if other people use "because I said so". I'm not criticizing that tactic at all. I don't judge parents who use it. I'm just saying we don't do that with SD1 and it seems to work with her.

Littlejen22 · September 2013

You don't have to treat as an equal to not yell. I totally think yelling is basically ridiculing and teaches lack of respect. How can a kid learn to treat others well if they are being yelled at. That said I do screw up and yell sometimes!

SueBear · September 2013

The article does not advise adults to TREAT their teens like an equal. It says to COMMUNICATE with them like an equal. There is a difference.

Ditto LittleJen - - not yelling =/= treating as an equal.

CurlyQ284 · September 2013

I'm mobile bumping and I don't see a link. Sorry if I'm missing the point of the article!

ETA got on my laptop and read the article, I think it makes sense. If anyone is in the same boat I was in here are the main points:

Physical discipline has long been considered unacceptable, but many parents today raise their voice when a child is out of line. New research, however, shows that harsh verbal punishment, such as shouting, cursing or using insults, is just as harmful to adolescents as physical discipline.

The researchers found that, compared to other studies focusing on physical discipline during the same period of time, the negative effects of verbal punishment were similar.

The study also revealed that the results are bidirectional. In other words, harsh verbal punishment can lead to problem behaviors, and adolescents continue to exhibit these problem behaviors when parents yell at them.

Authors from the study suggest that parents are better off communicating with adolescents on an equal level by explaining their concerns and reasons for certain decisions to them.

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