Picking your battles?

Snow1010 · September 2013

DD is 25 months old and an only child (one and done). One of my worries is that she will be "spoiled brat". I've been having a hard time deciding which battles to fight and when to just give in. I don't want her to think she'll always get her way, but it's so hard to determine how to handle some situations.

We don't have issues with the "big things" like going to bed or eating. It's the little things that I wonder about. Some examples: she wants to take a huge handful of toys and clothes in the car. She wants a cookie right before dinner. She wants to go outside and it's not a good time or the weather stinks. Or the most common...getting out of the house in the morning. She's being a real bugger about getting dressed, brushing teeth and doing hair. I find myself saying "please" and bargaining with her just so there's not a tantrum before daycare which leads to a bad drop-off.

I know some of these things sound so stupid, they are just some examples off the top of my head.

So what's your opinion and how to you handle the small issues? Do you let some things slide by to avoid a tantrum or is that just going to lead to issues down the road?

LSU628 · September 2013

I was fighting a lot with DD to get her out of the house in the morning. Finally I decided one morning to not fight with her and let her have the natural consequences. After going to school one day without her hair brushed, teeth brushed, and she had to put on her shoes and socks herself in the car she is much more cooperative. She was so embarrassed that her friends might smell her "stink breath" that she is much more agreeable now in the morning.

LSU628 · September 2013

I just looked and saw your daughter is 2. Not sure if she would get the natural consequences part yet.
For the car I would set limits. OK you can take two items in the car. Which two would you like to choose? And I would also stress that whatever she brings into the car also has to come back out of the car. With the cookie, I would love to give you a cookie as soon as we finish eating dinner. It's not time for cookies right now. Not sure if you are able or willing, but maybe distract her with asking her to help you make dinner. DD has a step stool that she can pull up to the counter to watch and help. She does things like helping pour cans into the pot or bowl, helping me break the pasta in half to put into the water, I lift her up and let her help me stir things or shake the herbs/spices into whatever I'm cooking. If I can distract DD and let her feel like she is helping me, she is much more apt to go along with whatever I'm suggesting. You can even be silly about things like getting dressed- I forgot how to put on your pants, can you help me figure out where they are supposed to go? Can you pick out which socks or shoes you'd like to wear today? Let her have a say and choice and maybe she will cooperate more. HTH!

mexicolombiana · September 2013

She wants to take a huge handful of toys and clothes in the car.

solution: just give her a small bag, let her fill it up and that's all she takes.

She wants a cookie right before dinner.

Say no and take her to bed.

She wants to go outside and it's not a good time or the weather stinks.

Let her go outside for a minute in the rain and she'll come right back inside (hopefully!)

Getting dressed: Pick out 2 outfits and have them ready. Let her pick one out and that's it.

Brushing hair: I ask her how many pony tails she wants, if she wants it up or down and I let her "choose" her hairstyle.

We do a lot of re-direction in our house. With 2 small kids we can't let our toddler choose everything she wants in the mornings or she would never leave to school. She seems to be happy when she's given a choice. Other times we just grab her and put her in the car and give her something to play with and she gets over it.

Good luck! toddlers are quirky.

NickyHolo · September 2013

LSU628 said:

I was fighting a lot with DD to get her out of the house in the morning. Finally I decided one morning to not fight with her and let her have the natural consequences. After going to school one day without her hair brushed, teeth brushed, and she had to put on her shoes and socks herself in the car she is much more cooperative. She was so embarrassed that her friends might smell her "stink breath" that she is much more agreeable now in the morning.

I think this is a great idea honestly. I find myself bargaining far more often then I'd like to admit.

sschwege · September 2013

These are really good examples!

I don't think picking your battles would turn a child into a brat. I think things like bribing and saying 'no' and then giving in will.

1) For the car thing I would set limits. For DD she can pick two things to bring in the car with her. I think bringing things along is a really good thing. So many kids have trouble transitioning at this age, I think they want to bring things with them because it's comforting. Even if it seems stupid to us.

2) We don't typically do sweets in our house, but if for example I baked cookies or something of course DD will want one. I always tell her she can have it with her dinner. I do this because I don't want to have to deal with her eating two bites saying she is done and wanting the cookie. This way I put the cookie down with her dinner, tell her after that cookie no more and we can all stop worrying about that darn cookie!

3) I guess I'm a little confused by this one, if it's not a good time to go outside then it's not a good time. We go out in almost any kind of weather, but that's because I want to not because DD is demanding it.

4) A timer seems to work really well for DD right now. So we set a timer and when the music stops, if she hasn't done X then there is a consequence. For example last weekend she wanted to go to the grocery store with DH. We told her if her shoes were on before the music stopped she could go. She only had one shoe on when the music stopped so she stayed home with me and of course she lost it when she saw DH go out the door, but that's the way it goes. Before anyone thinks we were being mean, the timer was set for 5 minutes and she has the option of us putting the shoes on for her. I know your situation is different because obviously she can't stay home by herself. But maybe you could set the timer and if her clothes aren't on by the timer it stops she goes in her PJs?

TiffanyBerry · September 2013

I always ask myself "why am I about to say no?" or "why can't she decide?" and if the answer is "because it's inconvenient to me", then it's not a good enough answer, and she gets to decide.

A whole bunch of stuffed animals in the car? Who cares, so it takes a little more time to bring them in and out from the car to the house! A whole bunch taken out when we get to a store? No, because I can't keep track of so many and they would get lost.

What to go outside and run around in the downpour 10 minutes before dinner? If daddy is home to take care of the last bit of dinner or watch you, or if I'm done with what I need to do for it, sure, why not? It's inconvenient because we'll have to dry her off, or get her to wear a rain jacket, but it's not dangerous.

What to spit on my floor? No, that's a mess on my cork floor that I don't want getting wet if I can help it. She can go spit outside on the grass where it doesn't matter.

What to roughhouse at the table during dinner? No, because she gets her feet in my face which I really don't like and can hurt.

So, if your reason is actually reasonable, and not just because you don't want to deal with something, then I think it's a battle to pick. If your reason is just because you are feeling lazy (well, that IS my reason sometimes...) then I think LO ought to be able to make the decision. (Though, sometimes, there's a fine line between being lazy and needing to maintain one's sanity. So, this isn't quite as black and white as might be nice.)

Snow1010 · September 2013

Thanks for all the replies and ideas!   Overall I think we have a pretty well-behaved toddler, it's just the daily things that I question MY RESPONSE.   And 2 is a tough age because some concepts they just don't grasp.

It's good to see that a lot of the things that I "allow" other mom's do too....she can take stuff in the car, we go outside every single day and even to the pool when I know we'll freeze our butts off. It's mostly around the timing....like wanting to go outside and play right before dinner. Luckily she's not too picky about what she wears (except for shoes), it's just getting them on sometimes takes FOREVER. I like the idea of a timer!

As for her hair...OMG, if you would see what I'm working with hahaha.   She has super curly short hair and looks like medusa in the morning. There's no styling options, it's pretty much spraying some water and a little product to keep the curls under control.   Not sure telling her to go to school looking crazy with stinky breath would work yet...but good idea for the future.

One thing I don't like is that I find myself bribing....mostly around food. She wants more fruit, but hasn't touched anything else on her plate so I ask her to take a bite of chicken and then more fruit. Or, if we get PJ's on and brush teeth she gets 5 more minutes on the iPad. That's probably not good!

I just don't want a spoiled brat....my nephew is so spoiled and entitled, it drives me crazy. My husband thinks I over analyze everything, which is probably true!

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