How did you decide when? Advice?

VictoriaAva · September 2013

I'm in my early 20s, I've been dating my husband since 16, and we've grown up and grown together within our relationship. Despite our ages, we both have great degrees, high-paying jobs, no debt, and a lot of professional potential. I don't love working, but I do like my job, and it's one most people my age would give anything to have... and I worked VERY hard to earn it. The thing is, I grew up as the oldest of a huge family and know my true calling is motherhood. Yes, I'd be happy to work from home, to consult, etc., but I can't envision myself going back full time once I have kids.

Of course, we still have things to do before we start our family: buying a house, finishing an MBA, enjoying each other's company, vacationing to Europe. As all of that comes into reach, however, I'm starting to feel torn about the future "timeline." I know that once you begin your family, there is no turning back, so I'm in no mood to rush it. I really love the idea of what my professional future could hold, but I know I would be happy to give it up at any moment for a child. As far as my husband's concerned, we could get started right now; he's incredibly excited at the prospect of fatherhood! 27 was always the age I "assigned" myself to begin motherhood, but I know that life works on its own timeline.

So, with my first post (hi, everyone!) I turn it to all of you parents, parents-to-be, and future parents: how did you know when it was time to start a family? Do you wish you had started earlier or waited? If you were a young professional, how did you come to terms with the stigma of "giving up" a promising career path for motherhood? Did you choose to stay home, work from home, or go back? I think I have a few years to go, but moving forward, I would love to have some wisdom

VictoriaAva · September 2013

Joy, thank you for the awesome answer! Up until a few years ago, I imagined my own story would be similar to yours. I guess there is still a part of me that believes I will become so enamored with my career and the thrill of achievements that I will end up putting off children until far later than I'm currently considering. There is NOTHING wrong with that, and my husband would support it... knowing me, though, I'd never find a good time to stop if I didn't place the goal for myself.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck in making the leap!

LilacStar11 · September 2013

Welcome!

Like you, I had "assigned" myself a time to have kids. I obtained my masters degree, got married and we said when I was 25 or when we were married for 2 years we would start trying. However just shy of us being married a year, we felt ready. We had lived together for years before getting married and nothing really changed afterwards. Our love grew stronger every day but not much else changed so we decided to start...and haven't stopped..lol.

I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM. I will go back to teaching when our youngest is in school full time but until then I want to be home with my babies. Till then I helped my MIL start up a business and I work from home.

You will know what feels right. As long as you can back that feeling financially, have the living quarters to support a baby, and you and DH are in the same place, I say that is the right time!

anssett · September 2013

I knew I was going to be mom, somehow, when I was 17. However, I also knew I wanted a career and never intended to stay at home with kids. I've found a man who loves his career, but will also be thrilled to stay at home if we can swing it financially. Best of all worlds for me.

I'm 33, he's 34. I'm a doctor now and am finally done with all the education/training and in a stable enough place with work to start a family. We'll be TTC in 2-3 months.

For me the biggest delay was my own work stability. Even if I can't be at home all day, I don't want to be working 80+ hours a week and never see my family. Most of the 80+ hour weeks are over. Now it's time!

Ducktale · September 2013

It is really different for everyone. I know when I was 20 I had really no idea when I would want kids, I just vaguely knew it was sometime in the distant future.

Now I know we're ready. We will start TTC in the spring, but in almost every way, we're ready. We're ready to start a new chapter of our lives where we are responsible for another person, and willing to make the sacrafices that come with it. So mentally, we are defnitely ready, and have been for some time.

Logistically, having a strong, stable marriage, good health insurance, stable reliable sufficient income, a comfortable savings account/emergency fund, and steady retirement contributions were all requirements for us before even considering. And we are planning for me to be a SAHM, so that is taking some extra savings/paying off DH's student loans. Once all of that is in place, we're ready.

SmileyJay · September 2013

I guess your post is sort of confusing...

"I really love the idea of what my professional future could hold, but I know I would be happy to give it up at any moment for a child"

If you truly know this about yourself and your spouse is excited to be a dad, I don't really understand the mentality of continuing to invest in your career if your true calling is motherhood. Life is too short to not follow your calling. Most people are not in your position in their early 20s and that is why most people are having babies much later or not at all. If you feel drawn towards motherhood and can swing it financially without much worry, then the ball is in your court to decide when it is right. I seriously doubt anyone would think negatively about an accomplished married young woman having a child in your position.

There are plenty of amazing parents who have kids before they buy a house. There are plenty of incredible parents who never traveled the world or who bring their kids along for the journey. Your life does not end when you have kids, you can still have hobbies, travel, accomplish professional goals, etc.

I say all of this from my personal recent realization. My husband and I have been happily married for over two years and lived together for 3 years before that. I am a big time planner, type A personality, and in the past have really stressed myself out making sure we are doing the right things in life to be "successful". We have bachelor's degrees, own a lovely home with spare bedrooms and amazing schools, have started stable careers, have money saved, and have a really stable relationship. We are not totally debt free - we have student loans, mortgage pmi, and one car loan - but we make our bills easily and life frugally. I used to think we needed to wait 5 years when we would be totally debt free and I would only be 28. We recently sat down and realized that that is probably a nice logical choice but not one we are willing to make. We are going to start trying next year when we are overseas on a trip we have been planning for a long time.

Here is my rationalization. Life does not stop when you have kids, and if it does then you are doing something wrong. Being a mother doesn't mean not being an interesting individual with interests outside of breast milk and diapers. Every single day you wait to start a family is one less day you will have with that child... That is just how it is. If I wait 5 years, that is 5 less years in my child's adulthood that I get to spend with him or her. Maybe I wont be able to foot the bill for my child's whole college tuition, maybe we will have to budget and not go on semi-annual vacations, but my kids will get my husband and I at our most energetic and get more time with us later in life. Plus, emotionally we just feel ready to parent. There will always be the opportunity to wait longer to have more stability, less debt, etc. But we are willing to sacrifice a little to begin enjoying our family sooner. Now, if we could not possibly afford kids and were just scraping by that would be a totally different ball game but that is not where I am coming from.

So, take it as you will. As someone who used to compare myself to others and care too much about making the right choices, I have decided that life is too short to worry incessantly about making every decision perfectly. It sounds like if you truly want it, you could be a mommy by this time next year! But if you don't truly want it then you are lucky to have time on your side to wait it out! Best of luck whatever you choose!

SmileyJay · September 2013

Oh after rereading I thought I would add that my father passed away last year and that is part of what shifted my thinking. It makes you really think about what is important. For me, that is time with family. I want my grandmother to get to establish a relationship with my child/children and not just be a picture in the photo album. I am not saying people should have kids before they are ready or have kids mostly out of fear of death, not at all! Just to consider these things in the decision and decide what is important for you.

Also wanted to add that you never know the future. There are people who work so much harder after having children because of the motivation of providing. There are people who have every thing in place then lose their job right after getting pregnant. You just never know, you just have to make the decision the best you can. Things have way of working themselves out!

SmileyJay · September 2013

@Joy2611 I used to have this mentality that "everything changes" when you have a child. Yeah, some things do change. You shift where you focus your resources, somethings that matter now don't matter as much, etc. but you are still the same person and have a life to live yourself. Kids can travel, too!

There is also this idea that everything has to be picture perfect so that it will be easier or look a certain way. It doesn't and these limitations are just ideals we set for ourselves that are usually unobtainable anyways and just a way to make ourselves feel better about our little lives. Free yourself from the idea that things need to be just so, and free yourself from judging others that decided that they didn't need the same things you do.

Some other things:

Those wild estimates that it takes a quarter of a million dollars to raise a child to 18 are so off base unless you are upper middle class buying your kids the latest and greatest all the time. We are too frugal. I'm not going to be buying my kid a car without them contributing, and they will probably never own any brand new name brand clothes. Its a waste of money. Also those figures include the costs of shelter and utilities that you would be paying anyways. So silly.

There is a mentality that is new with our generation that we should be on par financially with generations that are older than us. For example, I look at my grandparents - house paid off, plenty of money in the bank, etc. Yeah, well they struggled very hard when they were my age with young kids. All that money didn't stack up until the last 30 years or so after they didn't have kiddos in the house, after their mortgage was paid off, and when they had saved enough to not use credit or loans for cars, etc. "Struggle" (meaning owing money and not taking lavish vacations) is just part of it early on for the vast majority of people, and that is not a bad thing.

I also understand the idea of wanting vacations and quiet "me" time before having kids... but when you think about it honestly isn't that a little short sighted and petty? I mean, you can always take vacations or buy more things but children and family are a totally different aspect of life. And the two are not mutually exclusive, you can do both quite well. We are planning a relatively lavish vacation to Moscow next year but I get just as giddy thinking of building sand castles in Florida with little ones, or just swinging at a local park if we can't afford Florida. We will be just as fine either way.

Life is always a sacrifice no matter who you are. You either sacrifice time or money, but you can't usually have both.

kcisthebombdotcom · September 2013

As someone who waited until they met certain financial goals, I can tell you that waiting was the best decision we could have ever made. I think all the time if we had the car payments and extra debt how much we would be struggling. Having a child is challenging even without financial struggles. Its also a lot more expensive than we could have ever anticipated especially in having a child with a medical condition. The main benefit of waiting was the fact i have the option whether to work or sah. I know so many moms who want to work but don't have a career that earns enough to warrant the costs of working like childcare/commuting/etc and so many others who are miserable at work and long to spend their days at home with their child. Many women think that they're sure they either want to work or to stay at home but its one of those things that you're not going to know if its right until you actually have a child.

In terms of traveling with kids, it is totally different. Sure you can go to the same destinations but you can't do the same things. It's also exhausting to the point where its not even worth it (with small children anyway-I'm sure it gets better when they're older). I'm glad we got to do some things before kids. The comparison to our generation vs previous is not equal. They had social security and pensions. We have inflation and a longer life expectancy.

SmileyJay · September 2013

@kc_13 good points. I guess it also just goes to say that everyone's situation is different and we all are willing to make different sacrifices.

As far as being a SAHM, I used to think that is what I wanted... to not work until our youngest child was in school... but then I read up on the impact that has on future earnings and how extremely difficult it is for mothers to reenter the workforce and decided I will always work at least part time. Plus, I am just sort of a busy body and need that stimulation. If you haven't read these articles, they are good food for thought:

https://www.nytimes.com/2003/10/26/magazine/26WOMEN.html

https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/08/08/after-the-opt-out-revolution-asking-hows-that-working-for-you/?_r=0

https://www.forbes.com/sites/deborahljacobs/2013/08/12/why-opt-out-moms-cant-catch-up/

Everyone has a different set of circumstances that colors their thinking on the subject. For example, we live in a really low cost of living area with unemployment well below national averages. We have pretty flexible jobs where we can work from home if we want. We have a really supportive family, access to inexpensive quality childcare, etc. We also plan to breastfeed, cloth diaper, and we grow most of our own food in a garden (fresh veggies for baby food, etc.). Most nursery stuff would be hand me downs from family. So our cost of having a child are very different than most.

As far as not comparing ourselves to people before us, I get what you are saying. Still, it doesn't take much effort for most people to have no student debt or credit card debt and a reasonable amount of home equity built by the age of 30 regardless of rather children are around or not. Typically incomes grow as you get older and more established and you get better with money. Time the most important contributing factor to wealth (compounding interest).

SO, what I am saying is to each his own! In the end, most of us will become mothers and be happy with that decision no matter when we decide to do it!

kcisthebombdotcom · September 2013

In terms of opting out--yes, if you're a Harvard grad making 250k its going to be difficult to get back to that level. I've seen a number of women successfully get back to their careers but they were also aiming for middle management, 65k a year positions. It depends on your field, how in demand the job is, what you do during your absence, how well you maintain professional contacts, etc. it's going to be easier for an accountant to opt back in vs someone in a tech role where their skills became obsolete in five years. For me, opting out during the most influential years of their lives that i could never get back is well worth the temporary financial setback.

I'm seriously lmao at the thought of it being so easy to aggressively pay down debt and save while you have kids. I'd love for you to go ask that in the parenting forum where people are actually parents. ask them how they're doing with that and if kids are just as inexpensive as they thought before they had them. You can have all these well laid out plans but kids generally are going to throw a wrench in them. You can plan to breast feed...but you might not be able to or you might wind up with a child who requires prescription formula that will cost you $60 a week. Even buying toys and clothes used costs money. The biggest cost is medical bills and you can't really predict that at all. You might have a kid that gets sick once a year or you could have a child that requires weekly doctors visits, multiple specialists, expensive daily medication, etc. Typically incomes grow...but many businesses haven't been giving raises for years (or reducing the percentage) and positions max out at a certain salary. Not everyone will be qualified enough or the right fit for the high paying jobs.

SmileyJay · September 2013

Hey, you're right maybe I'm not very realistic. I only know my own situation and how I make my own decisions. I am really awful at writing and usually say things I shouldn't or put my foot in my mouth. I've never had kids, and apparently that's great since I appear to be so head in the clouds about this baby making business

I only intended to express to the op that things don't have to be picture perfect to be perfectly fine. We are choosing to start a family sooner for different reasons. I feel confident that its the right choice for our family.

Best of luck to everyone, you are probably really invested and great mommys!! I just remembered why I stopped posting on here, too stressful!

ho11yday · September 2013

It was the right time for us when DH was in school (and not working) and I had graduated from my professional program. I had decent health insurance, some vacation + sick pay saved for maternity leave, and I had been in my position for 2 years.

I also wanted to have two children before I turned 30--so it fit our timeline.

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