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New.. Advice.. Please

AndrewnEdnaAndrewnEdna member
in Late Term and Child Loss
To make it quick...
My SIL was due sept 24th (girl)
I'm due nov 14th ..(boy)
First grand babies on my DHs side...
Her baby girl came August 25th.. My SIL went into labor and had complications which led her to have preeclampsia which led to placenta eruption which led to my beautiful niece not making it , She was still born.. These are our first babies. I saw and held my niece who looked as if she was sleeping in my arms.. I'm trying to be strong but tears just roll my eyes.. It's been so awkward between us and I'm giving her her space.. It tears me apart seeing this and traumatizes me for labor. It was so unexpected. We had a private service for my niece and once my SIL saw me.. She broke down into tears which led me to break down. We had so many plans for thanks giving and Christmas it's so hard.. DH is broken but he understand I need my space. I want my SIL to talk to me when she is ready. Its so stressful because we shared everything together and it kills me to see her like this and frightens me to even think of labor. I was there the whole night and I was there when we got the news that my niece didn't make it. I'm a mess and I'm thinking of sharing this with my Midwife on my next appointment. I pray and pray and pray but every time I'm around his family I just see the pain in there eyes and they see mine.. It's an awkward silence and its slowly breaking me. I cry every night and DH tries to comfort me.... There's more but it's getting to me again.. Just wanted to vent a little.

Prayers needed... Thank you
#novboard
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Re: New.. Advice.. Please

  • shandorfml2shandorfml2 member
    I'm sorry for the loss of your niece. Your SIL will need space and it might be very difficult for her to see you, especially after your baby is born. It will be a difficult reminder of what she doesn't have. Giving her space, but letting her know you are there if she needs anything (maybe through email). It will be a long, difficult healing process.  I wish you luck in the next few months and the chances slim that anything will go wrong. Unfortunately, the women on this board and your SIL are the 'slim chances'.

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  • NoetholaNoethola member
    My cousin's wife and I were due four days apart. I delivered a month early, and she delivered two weeks later. We talked about everything with our pregnancies, almost every day. 

    It can be very hard, and hopefully your SIL can be happy for you and hold the baby when you have your son. However, do not be surprised if she isnt ready yet. It is truly devestating to lose your child. 

    While I have worked very hard to be joyful when I am around her son, there are still times even now when it is like daggers to the heart. I was with her this weekend, and everyone was fawning over him (as they do all babies!) and a part of my heart was very sad that my daughter was not there to experience the love as well.

    Please allow her to grieve. I encourage you to definitely talk to someone about this, especially as you will be birthing your own baby. You do need to work through the loss so that you are able to do what you need to do.

    But just realize this is an incredibly hard time for her, and she will grieve her daughter for the rest of her life. That does not mean she will not be able to be happy for you, but your son will also be a silent reminder of what she has lost. If she needs to step away, do not force her to take part in your son's life. Just let her know the door is always open. Will be praying for your whole family, as this is a family loss, and especially your SIL and BIL.
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  • yosemitemomyosemitemom member
    My sister and I were pregnant at the same time and due just 4 weeks apart. My daughter died and hers (my niece) did not. I love my sister so much, but honestly it was very difficult to be there through the pregnancy, birth and newborn stage. I definitely distanced myself - I felt terrible for doing it, but I also knew (through the help of my therapist) that I needed that distance for a while and that it was ok to do it. It took until my niece was at least 6 months old to feel any joy in her presence. I feel bad for that, but it's the truth. From birth to six months, I only felt sadness when I looked at her; I only thought of my baby that I lost and what I would be doing with her right now. With time, I was able to separate the two and have space for both emotions. Now I can feel the joy of having my niece in my life without the searing pain of loss. I still miss my baby girl, but the pain is not debilitating, like it once was. Anyways, I wanted to share what I went through in case it's helpful to you. I know that my distance hurt my sister, but I also know that she understood, even if it was painful. I will be thinking of you and your family. 
    I am a mother to two daughters. Our first is a lovely and vibrant three-year old. Our second, passed away during the sixth month of pregnancy (June 2012).
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