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Tell hubbys ex wife or no?

SscarolynedvxSscarolynedvx member
edited September 2013 in Blended Families
My hubby have a 3 year old child with his ex, I am 16 weeks pregnant now, do we have to tell her that we are expecting or just let it be?
Any advices?
Since they have a child together i tought about telling her since my stepson is going to have a baby brother/sister!
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Re: Tell hubbys ex wife or no?

  • xmaryrickxxmaryrickx member
    Yes. Tell her. Her child is going to go through a major life change and may have some emotional needs that need to be addressed. She should be able to be prepared for that.
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  • jamiegrenzjamiegrenz member

    I have an almost 4 year old with my ex husband and I am 15 weeks pregnant now with my hubby.  I haven't told the XH but we told my son this last week.  I'm sure he will bring it up to his dad at some point.  It doesn't really effect my XH so there is no point in telling him.  I'm sure he will figure it out soon enough as I am already showing. 

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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    I think your DH should bring it up with her, yes. It's a major life event for your family - a wonderful one - and if you all want her respect and help in their child adjusting to the change, it would be very adult and mature of him to inform her. 
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • EarthandFireEarthandFire member
    He told his XW when he told his family. They have a 6 yo together. She was not happy even though she has a 1 yo with another man. We hope it will give her time to come to terms before LO's arrival. She's not stable so we worry about what she might say to our 6 yo but felt it was better to come from us than to hear it through the grape vine. Not hearing it from our 6 yo kept her from exposing him to her volitile and negative response.
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  • CurlyQ284CurlyQ284 member
    I think so. We told SDs and then DH called her later that night.
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Seriously? Does this affect BMs child? Since the answer is yes then it is the mature right thing to do. I never understand why people act like their pregnancy is such a secret.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • agibbyagibby member
    We didn't because BM would have made things miserable for DH or SS and it's just not worth it. We kept SS involved from 12 weeks and really talked to him about it the whole way thru. It helps he has a 2 yr old cousin so SS saw the baby stage with her.
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  • MommyEllenSueMommyEllenSue member
    It depends on the BM situation. If ya'll have a decent relationship then yes! If the relationship isn't good then No. I am 26 weeks pregnant and we did not tell BM, it is really none of her business. We told the kids and they told her a couple of weeks later. She reacted exactly how we thought she would, ugly.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    What's the situation? Do you guys have 50/50 or EOWE? Or are you long distance and only see SS a few times a year? And what's your relationship with BM like?

    When I was 16ish wks pregnant with DD, BD happened to ask me if DH & I planned on having a LO anytime soon. So I just told him I was pregnant.

    Unless you have a volatile relationship with BM, I don't see why you wouldn't tell BM.
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    We didn't tell BM because she would've told SS, and we wanted to do that together. We told SS after 13 weeks and he told his mom in front of us before we could even say anything to her. He told her he was going to be a big brother here too (he has two other siblings from his mom), and her response was 'whatever.' She couldn't even fake being happy for her child so I'm glad that we told him first to make it exciting. That being said, she is nice to our DS now when she see him.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Lavender that is different because you were waiting to tell her until you told your SS and he was old enough to tell his Mom. For a little kid I think you should tell the kid and then the other parent.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • Sunday924Sunday924 member
    I didn't tell BM. She didn't tell us either. I don't think there is a need. When SS told his mom was having a baby we acted excited for him. I'm not sure how the BM acted with our news but I don't really care.
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    I think the answer to this question is always, "Yes".  The only thing that varies is the reasons why and when you need to tell BM.

    If BM in your situation is rational and you have a decent relationship with her, then you tell her because it has an impact on SS and that way she can be prepared to answer any questions he may have when he's at her home.  Also, you should NEVER make a child be the messenger with this kind of news.  Ever.  It's a crappy thing to do to a child.  If BM in your situation is anything like mine, then you tell her while SS is with you guys so that BM has a few days to process the news and hope that she can get her emotions under control before SS goes back to her house.


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  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    xmaryrickx said:
    Yes. Tell her. Her child is going to go through a major life change and may have some emotional needs that need to be addressed. She should be able to be prepared for that.
    This.  My XH left it up to my then 6 year old daughter to tell me his GF was pregnant.  It was ridiculous.  You should disclose anything that is a big deal in the child's life.
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  • AlwaysForgetful AlwaysForgetful member
    I guess I will say it depends on the relationship you have. Some of your (as in the group here) ex's are pretty nasty people. I would have your DH tell her since she is HIS ex. If the relationship is at least civil I would let her know sooner than later.

    I have a good relationship with my Ex. So I told him not to long after we told family. I knew it would not be an issue though. I already have one child with DH that knows Ex as an uncle and his mom as a grandmother (Oma).
    DS1 - 6/07
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    DS3- 9/09
    DD1 - 11/11
    DD2 - 10/13
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    If it depends on the relationship you have - then it should not be a question of IF you tell her, but HOW. 

    If you choose not to tell the BM because of the big deal she makes, do you think it will be any easier when you DON'T tell her??

    Are you not telling her because you want to make it easier on yourself?  It most certainly can't be easier for the children. 

    Just some food for thought. 

    Major life decisions need to be mentioned/announced to the other bio parent regardless of how they handle it.  They are going to find out anyway.  Don't leave it to your children to deal with alone.

     

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • katie_cjkatie_cj member
    Yes, it's a life changing event for her child. I found out exFI was having a baby via Facebook. I wasn't really impressed, a quick heads up, we are expecting would of been nice.
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    +just+j+ said:

    If it depends on the relationship you have - then it should not be a question of IF you tell her, but HOW. 

    If you choose not to tell the BM because of the big deal she makes, do you think it will be any easier when you DON'T tell her??

    Are you not telling her because you want to make it easier on yourself?  It most certainly can't be easier for the children. 

    Just some food for thought. 

    Major life decisions need to be mentioned/announced to the other bio parent regardless of how they handle it.  They are going to find out anyway.  Don't leave it to your children to deal with alone.

     

    I don't see how it maKes any sense not to mention it if you have a poor relationship with the other parent. Why would you want their initial reaction to be towards the "bearer of bad news" so to say if that is your child/stepchild? The only reason I would not worry about telling the other parent is if your child has no contact with them.

    Otherwise, I see no reason not to time it appropriately depending on the relationship our tell sk first and then follow with the parent.
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  • MissSusieQMissSusieQ member
    We told BM when we were pregnant with DS because it was a major life change at 9 for him. He was an only child on both sides. That being said we didn't tell BM about this pregnancy until last weekend when I was almost 21 weeks. SS knew, and he's almost 15. He's happy but just never shared with his mom. It is getting more obvious that I'm pregnant and DS told his brother in front of BM that they were having a sister so the Sunday they picked him up we kind of felt like we should address it. We didn't have a set time on telling BM this time she either was going to figure it out or SS would tell her. 
    Proud Step Mom to Zachary 10-26-98
    Loving Wife to Billy 04-28-07
    Proud mom to Jeremy 08-15-08

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  • SscarolynedvxSscarolynedvx member
    The situation is BM does not like me at all, she wont even let me be around SS, but since SS is not going to be the only child now and he has to be prepared i thought that it would be a good thing for BM to know. Hubby only gets to see him once a week and now SS is not in the country he will be back spring next year so when he comes back hes gotta be prepared and accept the new family member.
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    Hold it. She won't let your SS around you?  Then how does DH get time with SS?  That's just screwed up.

     

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • SscarolynedvxSscarolynedvx member
    He picks SS up and usually go to a park to the mall, have lunch with him... DH only spends a couple of hours with him.
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  • FemShepFemShep member
    jobalchak said:
    I think the answer to this question is always, "Yes".  The only thing that varies is the reasons why and when you need to tell BM.

    If BM in your situation is rational and you have a decent relationship with her, then you tell her because it has an impact on SS and that way she can be prepared to answer any questions he may have when he's at her home.  Also, you should NEVER make a child be the messenger with this kind of news.  Ever.  It's a crappy thing to do to a child.  If BM in your situation is anything like mine, then you tell her while SS is with you guys so that BM has a few days to process the news and hope that she can get her emotions under control before SS goes back to her house.


    This 100%.  DH and I got pregnant when DD1 was 6, almost 7.  I told DD in person and sent XH an email (our standard way of communicating) at the same time.  XH had a few days to deal with it, was very cordial and wished us luck, and DD didn't have to feel that there was a secret or something she couldn't talk about.

    If the situations were reversed, wouldn't you appreciate a heads up from your ex?
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  • SscarolynedvxSscarolynedvx member
    I want hubby to send an email, and i think the best thing to do is to let her know, but how to right this email without rubbing on her face?
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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member

    Is the one time a week visit your DH has CO'ed or is that just what he and BM worked out? I mean why does he only have 1 park/lunch visit a week? I'm guessing you guys are letting BM run the show on visitation unless your DH has issues which prevented him from getting more time.

    Either way, this has bad situation written all over it and this child is going to be one of the ones where he resents the new sibling. I would not be having a child with someone who only sees their other child for a park visit 1x a week, but you can't change that now. IMHO, you guys need to get visitation corrected with the other child before the baby comes or things will only get worse. When is this child supposed to spend time with his sibling?

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    Email is not the way to go and honestly to be really blunt...that's the chickenshit way out. That's pretty close to the equivalent of not telling her.  I really hate

    I find it really odd that she won't allow you around SS.  And why is your DH not fighting it?  Seriously. Why would he allow this? From the stand point of his limited visitation and for your sake as well.   

    Unless of course there is good reason. I'm not saying there is, but I have a few people on my CO that can not be alone with DD, and they are either mentally disturbed, felons, or drug addicts.  If you are not the equivalent of those, then your DH should be taking this to court because this hinders his ability to properly parent his child, or really be significantly involved in his sons life.   If this CO is court ordered, then there is not a whole lot you can do and there must be good reason.

    Your DH needs to put his big boy panties on, pick up the phone and call and have a conversation with her, no matter how difficult. 

    As far as not rubbing it in, I would suggest he not mention how happy you both are, and brag in anyway. Keep it short, simple, and to the point - and BE KIND.  Regardless of who and how she is - be nice and mature about it. 

     

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    +just+j+ said:

    Email is not the way to go and honestly to be really blunt...that's the chickenshit way out. That's pretty close to the equivalent of not telling her. 


    DH told BM through email that we were pregnant.  I don't think it's "chickenshit" to handle things through email when the other party involved is completely irrational.  Plus, it allows a written record of any response the other party makes.  If DH had tried telling BM in person, she would have thrown a temper tantrum and started yelling at him, then would threaten to call the police.  That's her MO.  Why would anyone purposely put themselves in that position?
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  • IlumineIlumine member
    Sscarolynedvx said:
    The situation is BM does not like me at all, she wont even let me be around SS, but since SS is not going to be the only child now and he has to be prepared i thought that it would be a good thing for BM to know. Hubby only gets to see him once a week and now SS is not in the country he will be back spring next year so when he comes back hes gotta be prepared and accept the new family member.
    So how is this going to work when he comes to visit this spring?  Are you going to move out of the house while SS is there?  Is 'hubby' going to rent a hotel room or stay at a relatives the entire time, just brining the new baby over?


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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    Okay, I will modify that answer then. Because I do agree to a point.   

    First of all, we're talking about a phone call - not an in person notification.  

    If physical harm, abuse, dealing with someone with mental instability, etc of that serious nature  then I would not do it in person.  I'd consider a phone call, one on one conversation, and then if it's seriously extreme, I'd consider a family member close to them that doesn't set them off, to break the news.  The last resort would be an email.

    Serious BSC behavior that truly can not be reasoned with aside, I am just saying that if you don't want to tell them in person, or not tell them at all because you just don't like a little conflict...then that's copping out.

    One of my big pet peeves is how we've gone to such a text/email/fb kind of world where people don't talk to people about issues.   We do way too much via electronic form and then we wonder why we have issues communicating with another, or why the relationship is so bad.  While email has it's benefits when you need to document, sometimes it's just nice to be respected and hear someone's voice tell you something that's significant to you or your child.  If it turns ugly, you have the option to end it in a matter of seconds by saying in an easy voice, "Okay.  Well, I have to go now. I'll talk to you when you're calmer."  *click*   And if it's in person, you say  "Okay, well, I have to go" and you walk away.

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • SscarolynedvxSscarolynedvx member
    Theres a reason why visitation is this way and thats not what the topic about... I asked for advice how to and if should i tell BM.
    The situation is a lot different now and like i said again its not about how husband visitation will be or how it will be. This issue we already talked about and BM is aware that the visitation process will change, but now with a new baby around this may affect her son somehow.
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  • SscarolynedvxSscarolynedvx member
    When it comes to BM i alwas tried to be nice to her, one of the reasons the visitation is so limited has religious reasons and also cuz of DH work schedule.
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    DH only sees his son a few hours a week because of religious reasons? What kind of religion? I feel like there is all sorts of background that is probably important and being left out.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    I'd never let work or religion come between me and my child. A court would also protect your rites as a parent... but like you said....that has nothing to do with the situation you've inquired about. 

    I officially find this posting odd and have no further advice.

     

     

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • MommyEllenSueMommyEllenSue member
    It sounds like you have a lot more serious issues then how to tell BM.
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