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WWBFD?

twister22twister22 member
in Blended Families
According to the CO, BD's weekends with DS(4.5) are supposed to be every other, Thursday at 5p - Saturday at 5p. The CO specifically states that this is so DS can attend church, and that I am responsible for his spiritual upbringing. BD was in complete agreement - we mediated our CO.

Anyway, I've been letting BD take DS the typical Friday - Sunday weekends. It works with BD's work schedule, DS's schedule, and BD's visitation schedule with his DD(2). BD taking the typical weekends is contingent on taking DS to church, which BD was fine with as he stated he wants to go to church and he wants to take his DD to church too.

However, BD missed church the last weekend he had DS, his excuse being that is DD was up all night and they were exhausted. And he missed church yesterday, his excuse being that the kids hid his phone. WTF.

Needless to say, I'm annoyed. WWBFD? I'm tempted to threaten going back to Thursday - Saturday. Or say that he can drop DS off Saturday night and then pick DS up after church Sunday.

I feel like I'll be flamed for this, but bring it. Church is important to us, and it's in the freaking CO.
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Re: WWBFD?

  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    I say tell him to drop DS off sat night and he can pick him up after church. That way you're not taking anything away since fri-sun seems to be working for you, but it calls attention to the fact that DS is GOING to church, with one of you anyway.

    And I think church is important too, no flames here!
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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    He has missed two Sundays. I don't think its huge. I would tell him he needs to be more aware or you will be changing the weekends back to what's in the co.

    I do think its BS that you have the only say in his spiritual upbringing and that he HAS to bring him to church, but he agreed to it in writing so....
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  • twister22twister22 member
    SimpleJane said: He has missed two Sundays. I don't think its huge. I would tell him he needs to be more aware or you will be changing the weekends back to what's in the co. I do think its BS that you have the only say in his spiritual upbringing and that he HAS to bring him to church, but he agreed to it in writing so.... I basically have all the control in the CO, but for very good reason. 

    BD has always left all the decision making up to me; not to mention he isn't invested in DS's spiritual upbringing. He shouldn't have a say in something he doesn't care about. All that would be is "leverage" for BS things he wants (i.e. "well I won't agree to DS continuing to go to x church unless you allow me to have y.")

    And BD doesn't HAVE to bring DS to church. Church is on Sunday. BD's CO'd weekends are Thursday-Saturday. Church isn't even in the equation for BD's CO'd weekends. However, I have been allowing BD to take DS during the "typical" weekend so that BD can maximize his time with DS and so that DS will see his little sis longer.
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  • dannie2011dannie2011 member
    I would be upset about he phone excuse but not to the point that I would change back to the CO schedule just yet. Maybe tell him that if something comes up and he can't take him to church to call you so you could take him and then bring him back to finish his visit. If he continues to not take him and not call you then yes I would switch back.

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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    dannie2011 said:

    I would be upset about he phone excuse but not to the point that I would change back to the CO schedule just yet. Maybe tell him that if something comes up and he can't take him to church to call you so you could take him and then bring him back to finish his visit. If he continues to not take him and not call you then yes I would switch back.

    Agreed. Enough said. Church is important to me as well. It's not just about "church." DH doesn't go. And there are reasons I miss sometimes. A migraine definitely means we stay home. A sick kid or kid up all night would probably, too.

    And I think I understand that what you meant by being solely responsible for his spiritual upbringing is that you have him on Sundays and so you take the responsibility. I'm sure it is way beyond a Sunday thing, and if BD has church functions or such that he wanted to take DS to on Thurs through Saturday, I am imagining you would let him decide to do that. And that would include going to a different church if he so chose. So you have "control" over it, because BD has never taken an interest in it, as you said.

    Am I right?
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  • SueBearSueBear member

    I would start by telling DH that church / God is a priority in DS's life, and ask him if he understands that.  Ask him if he has any ideas to solve the problem, because DS NOT going to church is not an option in your opinion.  DS's spiritual growth is important to his life, just like education and health.

    The alternate ideas could include him bringing DS back to you for church, switching churches to one that has a more active child youth group (so he could drop DS off for Sunday morning school).

    I would definately call his attention to the fact that you are unhappy.  If church is not a priority to him, he may go on until you called him out on it. 

    That being said, DD being up all night is a reason I would skip church.  IMO it is a valid excuse (the phone is not - you don't need a phone in church anyway!). 

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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    It is in the CO so if it were me I would give him one more week and then threaten.

    As a side note I personally do not think you wanting church overrides some else not as they are both legitimate stances but since he goes sometimes I will side with you.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    Missing church twice for lame excuses like that...means it's a trend and he finds it unimportant.  I'd go right back to the previous schedule and start taking him again.

    Your ex is essentially setting the precedent that church is not important and that will be hard to correct if you let it go.

    We went to church every weekend growing up, we survived when we were sick, tired, injured, and in our naughtier high school party days - even hungover..... If we weren't puking or had a fever - we went.   That was the only excuse for getting out of church.  An hour is not going to kill you if you're tired.  You can always got right back to bed after. Besides - that's the perfect time to take littler kids. They're quieter and create less fuss. 

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • twister22twister22 member

    ambrvan said:
    I would be upset about he phone excuse but not to the point that I would change back to the CO schedule just yet. Maybe tell him that if something comes up and he can't take him to church to call you so you could take him and then bring him back to finish his visit. If he continues to not take him and not call you then yes I would switch back.
    Agreed. Enough said. Church is important to me as well. It's not just about "church." DH doesn't go. And there are reasons I miss sometimes. A migraine definitely means we stay home. A sick kid or kid up all night would probably, too. And I think I understand that what you meant by being solely responsible for his spiritual upbringing is that you have him on Sundays and so you take the responsibility. I'm sure it is way beyond a Sunday thing, and if BD has church functions or such that he wanted to take DS to on Thurs through Saturday, I am imagining you would let him decide to do that. And that would include going to a different church if he so chose. So you have "control" over it, because BD has never taken an interest in it, as you said. Am I right?
    According to the CO I have all control. Technically BD cannot do anything church related without my approval. BD has never asked to do anything church related, but if he did I cannot imagine myself saying no, unless it was for something crazy.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    SueBear said:

    I would start by telling DH that church / God is a priority in DS's life, and ask him if he understands that.  Ask him if he has any ideas to solve the problem, because DS NOT going to church is not an option in your opinion.  DS's spiritual growth is important to his life, just like education and health.

    The alternate ideas could include him bringing DS back to you for church, switching churches to one that has a more active child youth group (so he could drop DS off for Sunday morning school).

    I would definately call his attention to the fact that you are unhappy.  If church is not a priority to him, he may go on until you called him out on it. 

    That being said, DD being up all night is a reason I would skip church.  IMO it is a valid excuse (the phone is not - you don't need a phone in church anyway!). 

    Our church has an excellent, very active youth group, and DS actually goes to PreK at our church during the week (taught by 2 licensed teachers, one who taught Kindergarten for 9 years and one who taught first grade for 4 years.) BD can drop DS off for church now. DH & I are there, and we have no problem dropping off and picking up DS from class.

    I would tend to agree with that, except his DD has NO sleep schedule. His DD "being up all night" happens on a very regular basis. BD will constantly say that DD went to bed at 1 a.m., and then was up from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m. and then slept until noon the next day. This is typical for his DD. Not to mention, BD works the 3rd shift and should be used to all night-ers.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    Also, BD is a lot of talk about how important he thinks church is. In theory, he wants our DS and his DD to go to church, but actually getting them there is another story.

    BD has brought DS to church several times, but I think it's more of a struggle for him now. The church moved service time up 30 minutes, and I think BD getting both kids ready, on his own, in the morning is a struggle. I understand that, to an extent. He's had two weeks of not getting his stuff together, and he needs to either do it or have me take DS to church.
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  • KTdiditKTdidit member
    You stated "BD taking the typical weekends is contingent on taking DS to church", is that in the CO or just a verbal agreement between the two of you? I would ask that he bring DS back to you on Saturday night and he can get him again after church. Or depending on the locations, you could pick DS up from him and take him back. Otherwise go back to Thurs-Sat, since Fri-Sun isn't working for you.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    kaholland4 said:
    You stated "BD taking the typical weekends is contingent on taking DS to church", is that in the CO or just a verbal agreement between the two of you? I would ask that he bring DS back to you on Saturday night and he can get him again after church. Or depending on the locations, you could pick DS up from him and take him back. Otherwise go back to Thurs-Sat, since Fri-Sun isn't working for you.
    Sorry I wasn't clear on that, it's a verbal agreement.

    I think I will talk to him next time he gets DS. Let him know that DS must go to church, and if he can't assure me 100% that he'll be there, then he can drop off DS Saturday evening and pick him back up Sunday after church.
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    SueBear said:

    I would start by telling DH that church / God is a priority in DS's life, and ask him if he understands that.  Ask him if he has any ideas to solve the problem, because DS NOT going to church is not an option in your opinion.  DS's spiritual growth is important to his life, just like education and health.

    The alternate ideas could include him bringing DS back to you for church, switching churches to one that has a more active child youth group (so he could drop DS off for Sunday morning school).

    I would definately call his attention to the fact that you are unhappy.  If church is not a priority to him, he may go on until you called him out on it. 

    That being said, DD being up all night is a reason I would skip church.  IMO it is a valid excuse (the phone is not - you don't need a phone in church anyway!). 


    I agree with all of this, especially the bolded.

    Bring it to BD's attention that you are unhappy about DS missing church and offer the alternate schedule so that BD sees that you're trying to work with him.  If he becomes belligerent or combative, remind him what the CO is and why the CO is written that way.

    As for the bolded: whether or not BD's DD is on a consistent sleep schedule or not, I find that to be a valid reason to miss church.  PJ pretty consistently sleeps through the night and it allows me to go to Crossfit every morning at 5 a.m.  But I'll tell ya what, on those few nights when she doesn't sleep well, Mama isn't making it to the 5 a.m. class.  And I certainly would not want to sit through a service with 2 cranky tired children.  The phone missing?  Totally flameable and he needs to be called out on it.  But the missed Service due to his DD being up all night?  I think that's valid.  I would tread carefully on that one, only because if you ever have to miss Service because you're sick or something else happens, BD then has leverage to get on your case.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    jobalchak said:
    SueBear said:

    I would start by telling DH that church / God is a priority in DS's life, and ask him if he understands that.  Ask him if he has any ideas to solve the problem, because DS NOT going to church is not an option in your opinion.  DS's spiritual growth is important to his life, just like education and health.

    The alternate ideas could include him bringing DS back to you for church, switching churches to one that has a more active child youth group (so he could drop DS off for Sunday morning school).

    I would definately call his attention to the fact that you are unhappy.  If church is not a priority to him, he may go on until you called him out on it. 

    That being said, DD being up all night is a reason I would skip church.  IMO it is a valid excuse (the phone is not - you don't need a phone in church anyway!). 


    I agree with all of this, especially the bolded.

    Bring it to BD's attention that you are unhappy about DS missing church and offer the alternate schedule so that BD sees that you're trying to work with him.  If he becomes belligerent or combative, remind him what the CO is and why the CO is written that way.

    As for the bolded: whether or not BD's DD is on a consistent sleep schedule or not, I find that to be a valid reason to miss church.  PJ pretty consistently sleeps through the night and it allows me to go to Crossfit every morning at 5 a.m.  But I'll tell ya what, on those few nights when she doesn't sleep well, Mama isn't making it to the 5 a.m. class.  And I certainly would not want to sit through a service with 2 cranky tired children.  The phone missing?  Totally flameable and he needs to be called out on it.  But the missed Service due to his DD being up all night?  I think that's valid.  I would tread carefully on that one, only because if you ever have to miss Service because you're sick or something else happens, BD then has leverage to get on your case.
    Definitely a valid point. I think I was just annoyed because BD works 3rd shift, and constantly talks about how he's been up for a crazy number of hours straight - i.e. 29 or 34 or 41 or whatever. I feel like he could have given me a heads up, and given me the option to come pick up DS myself (he told me 15 minutes before service started.) or something.
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