Working Moms
Relationship Advice
This might be a little off topic but I really need some unbiased advice if I am being totally unreasonable. So, my daughter is 6 months old and we have had sex twice since she was born and only 3 or 4 times while I was pregnant. I never really thought much of it... It is my husband who always shoots me down though. So anyways, the baby was playing with the husbands phone (she likes to just hit buttons and see the screen changing) and his history came up... It was a lot of raunchy porn videos. My husband was right there and I was like wtf is all this... So he grabbed his phone back. I told him that I wanted to see what else was on his phone and if he deleted his history than this is going to be a major fight. So he jumped in his car and went and deleted his history. He claims his coworkers and friends send him porn links and he doesn't know what it is until its opened and he deleted it because he didn't want to drag his friends into it? Like how could I tell who sent it to him (if this is the case) by just the link. And why so much porn and then he shows zero interest in sex... I take care of myself and am back below my pre-pregnancy weight but cannot help but feel like this is a blow to my ego. Thoughts anyone?
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Re: Relationship Advice
I would vote that your husband is lying though his teeth on the coworkers sending him links. He was busted and is fighting to get out of it.
As for the porn, I think its pretty normal. The turning you down though, isn't normal. My initial thought is that he sees you in a different light, as a mother, and not as his sexy wife and he's having a tough time figuring it out. I don't know how to fix it.
As for him watching the videos-normal. I'm sure he 'bates often too (he's a guy, right?) I doubt his co-workers send him links. I would approach him again in a calm and playful manner and use the opportunity to ask him to share what he likes.
Now if the lies continue, arguments/disrespect ensue and his hours are not accounted for then these are red flags.
In conclusion, talk to him, find out how both of you can spice things up and remember you're normal. Many couples go through dry spots; especially when there is a nb/infant involved.
ETA: You can also be intimate without sex
It can take time to sort out the new normal after baby is born. I would say, honestly, that I am still working on it 4 years later. Be patient, but also be honest with him about how you are feeling.
Anyway, all that is to say I view it as healthy, natural and actually keeps our sex life more exciting and fun. Neither one of us views it as any type of infidelity.
The red flag here is that he is always turning you down. DH has never once turned me down when I initiated. I don't even blame him for lying about his other behavior if your reaction to seeing it was negative, or he felt 'caught' at something he thought you wouldn't approve of. That is just human nature.
You need to figure out why he is turning you down....could be any number of reasons, but something only open, accepting conversation is going to resolve.
Good Luck. Having a baby definitely changed things for us in the bedroom. We didn't get back to some semblance of normal until DD was almost a year old.
I 3rd all of this!
DD 12.2010
You need to talk to him.
While I am not antiporn, I think any activity that affects the sex life itself is a problem (like if he was doing it when the OP was not in the mood, fine, but if it is enough that it is killing his drive to be with his actual partner then it is too much. However, the running and deleting makes me think it might be more than videos. Are you sure that he is not being innapropriate with someone else? Is there a way to get his phone records or can you check if he has deleted his text history also? there are many things that can kill a guys sex drive and getting it somewhere else is one of them. I think it is a red flag at least and I would definitely either talk to him about it and/or further investigate.
And by checking up, I mean checking checking who is texting/calling. I don't think him looking at that stuff is particularly upsetting, unless it is something illegal, but if it's not then he shouldn't have to hide it from you right? To me it sounds like there was something else on his phone he didn't want you to find. His actions just sound suspicious in general.
Pretty sure he's lying to you about his co-workers sending him these links. I'm not okay with my husband viewing these types of videos/pictures. I'm sure it's fine in some marriages, but not mine.
Before we got married, I caught him with several nudie photos and we had it out. He did not try to hide it or lie about it though and he's never turned me down for sex. That your husband is obviously hiding something and doesn't want to be intimate with you is a major red flag.