Stay at home mom?

kellykubiak · September 2013

I had dinner last night with 4 friends of mine who are all working moms. They were all asking me when I was going to stop working and when I planned on going back. They all looked at me like I was crazy when I told them I'm not going back, that after I have the baby I plan on staying home for good. I don't have a career that I'm attached to, and we don't need the extra income, I mean we could always use it, but I would have to earn a lot more money than I do to consider going back to work versus staying home. I feel that staying home is the best option for me and my family, but I feel guilty now. That I'm not contributing enough, or that staying home is the easy thing to do. Most of my friends are working moms and I have a lot of respect for them, but I felt like they were judging me for my decision. I just felt so down on myself last night, moms nowadays do it all and I feel like I should be doing more

Mirit Rose · September 2013

Forget them! I've been home with my kids and only went back pt once in school. I love it.

heritten · September 2013

*hug* I am going to be a stay at home mom. I hated my job last year (miss my middle schoolers, high school wasn't the right place for me) and so when I found out I was pregnant and due in November I made the call not to go back. I made as much money teaching as I did in college as a grocery store cashier, and I would rather spend my time raising my daughter to be a smart independent young lady. Good daycare just costs more, or at least really close to what I made. I think it was made easier for me by one of my husbands coworkers wives who said she did her three months of maternity leave, stuck out working for another 6 months then gave up, she wanted to be home with her baby too badly. I think I might go back to work part time in a few years, but if your husband supports your decision, and you can do it financially, its really none of their business and just you and his. Hopefully they stay your friends, and if not, im sure we will meet other nice stay at home mommies. My birth class gave us homework to attend a Le Leche League meeting sometime in the next month, so I am hoping to meet some nice new stay at home mommy friends there....

SweetLaura286 · September 2013

Hey.. Each to his or her own! I am only working part time now.. And will be staying home once LO arrives. I am really looking forward to eventually getting into a routine with the house, caring for & nurturing my daughter, doing mommy groups etc. I graduated from college into the start of the recession when no one was hiring for anything and never got my foot into a real CAREER like I thought I would have. Maybe someday, but for now my career will be raising my new daughter the best that I can.. Running our household smoothly and getting to be part of the community! I do research now on being a stay at home mom. I know some amazing moms that take their baby raising job very seriously and unfortunately I know others who just sit on the couch and yell at their kids all day. And I know which one I want to be. So basically I say do it, and do it with pride!!

tiki8286 · September 2013

Um, I think going to work is WAY easier than staying at home with a child, especially an infant!! There were days with my DS when I would have given everything to have a job to go to just to get some moments of silence/time to myself/etc. granted, those feelings were because of exhaustion, lack of sleep and frustration with trying to figure out a new baby some days. But in the long run, I wouldn't trade staying at home for anything. So rewarding to see and hear my son talkin and doing things that I clearly have taught him myself!

My sisters both have gone back to work after their kids and I know they have much less stress when it comes to the kids since some else is basically raising them. But I would never say they they have it good since I can't imagine having my son an soon to be daughter in someone else's care. Granted, I will be excited when DS goes to school in 3 years but that's only because he is already so bright, it'll just give him a boost in life

kellykubiak · September 2013

Thanks! It really feels good to have some support. I think the fact that I'm losing steam and not able to as much as I did before on top of worrying about the future is making me insecure.

Barbercharm · September 2013

Raising a child(ren) is the hardest job you will ever have. Most rewarding and fulfilling too! There is nothing that compares to being at home with your baby. I've been fortunate to be at home with my 3 (soon to be 4) children and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have gotten to watch them grow, explore the world, been there to love them, pick them up when they fall down and teach them about this crazy life. They will be grown and gone all too soon. This is my chance to be with my babies before they start their own lives. I also create a home that is a warm, comforting, loving, safe place for my husband and children to be. No "job" could ever keep me from any of that. (I also homeschool!)

KatieintheCity · September 2013

tiki8286 said:
Um, I think going to work is WAY easier than staying at home with a child, especially an infant!! There were days with my DS when I would have given everything to have a job to go to just to get some moments of silence/time to myself/etc. granted, those feelings were because of exhaustion, lack of sleep and frustration with trying to figure out a new baby some days. But in the long run, I wouldn't trade staying at home for anything. So rewarding to see and hear my son talkin and doing things that I clearly have taught him myself!

My sisters both have gone back to work after their kids and I know they have much less stress when it comes to the kids since some else is basically raising them. But I would never say they they have it good since I can't imagine having my son an soon to be daughter in someone else's care. Granted, I will be excited when DS goes to school in 3 years but that's only because he is already so bright, it'll just give him a boost in life

Wow, seriously? I think being a mom is hard no matter what decision you make about work. I hope you don't tell your sisters to their faces how easy they have it, or how someone else "is basically raising" their kids. Let's stop the judging. Everyone makes the best decisions for their own family, period.

Mytaras · September 2013

You do what's best for you and your family. I work for myself so in a different situation. I will probably continue working next year at some point but if I was workin outside the house, I would choose to stay home too. Try not to get down on yourself! A full time mom I a job.

amberrrjade · September 2013

DO NOT FEEL BAD! Anyone who makes you feel bad should be ashamed of themselves. If I could I would definitely be a SAHM. I'm already dreading going back to work, especially after I found out I can only be gone 6 weeks. I want more than anything to be able to stay at home with my baby for the first year at least. If you can do it then do it and don't give it a second though, especially not a guilty one. Your baby will be so happy to have you around all the time and that's all that matters.

JamieCallow · September 2013

I will be staying home as well and my husband supports the decision and that is all that really matters! But my Mom and sister are also very excited I am gonna be able to as well!

LoveOfMikesLife · September 2013

Being a SAHM is NOT the easy route. You don't have days off, you don't clock out or get sick days and you sure don't get holidays off! Oh and not to mention you are on call 24/7.

I'm not downing WM's at all. It take a lot of strength to go back to work but staying home is hard.

cmrussell27 · September 2013

I worked full time with my first 2 and then stayed home when my last 2 were born. My best advice is to make some friends with other moms that have little ones that stay at home. It was easier for me once they were in preschool because you naturally meet other moms and then have playdates. Try looking online for groups in your area that have get togethers. It will really help build your confidence as a new stay at home mom. It makes it easier to be around your friends who work because you will feel much more secure in your decision being around other successful moms who stay at home.

cmrussell27 · September 2013

Also my 5 year old made a big deal today about how it's Labor Day and everyone gets the day off except for Mommy. She recognizes that I work at home and never get any time off. I was a little shocked that she was so observant.

[Deleted User] · September 2013

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Soulfulmom83 · September 2013

I just stopped working two weeks ago and love it! I will be staying at home now too. I wasn't attached to my job either, been in retail for over 8yrs. I just started going back to college as well. The last couple years I really started embracing the idea of the role of the woman in the household. My son just started 1st grade and I'm home now for him when he gets home. I can take care of my home during the day and make home cooked meals every night (DH still does as well too). I can help our son with his homework. I can learn new little things like last week I made my first cake with home made icing! I dunno, I think us as women in general do enough without working out of the home. I'm very happy to have this chance to be at home with our baby to breast feed longer and bond with him on a diff level than starting back work after only 6weeks. My pay check would basically cover the baby's daycare and our son's aftercare at school so there's no point in me staying at this job. I will def. look for a new job but I am fully embracing the role of a stay at home mom/wife.

tiki8286 · September 2013

'twas not meant to be bitchy or ignorant, just tired, pregnant and hungry.

sands42 · September 2013

I'm s SAHM... I would love to be able to get a PART TIME job now that my DD is a little bit older but I can't imagine how hard it would've been to take my daughter to daycare when she was an infant. Being home isn't easy- I hear it gets easier to leave your kids after a while once you get back to working but I just didn't want to and am lucky enough to be able to stay home. Not everyone gets that opportunity!

Who cares what others think- do what you need to do and what you feel is best for your family. I think it's wonderful when a parent is able to stay home with the kids! Some people need to work to make ends meet and that's okay too.

Ashleyfurillo · September 2013

I would love to be in your shoes and able to stay home. I've been with my company for almost 10 years and make way to much money to be able to justify staying home. I can't even go part time because of the cut in pay I would take. Thankfully my bosses are like family and my DH is my direct supervisor so I make my own schedule and will be hoping to work from home atleast 1 day a week!

Kim22 · September 2013

I returned to work at 4 months with my first 2 but will be home 11 months this time. There are so many pros and cons to both situations. I'm excited to see how it goes.

Kfran84 · September 2013

shanbp said:

CFox815 said:

sands42 said:

I think it's wonderful when a parent is able to stay home with the kids! Some people need to work to make ends meet and that's okay too.

I think it's important to recognize that women can work not just to make ends meet. Some people find satisfaction from working.

This. We can afford for me to stay at home, but I'm choosing not to.

Same here. Don't have to work, but worked really hard for the past 10 years to get where I am in my career and I get personal and professional satisfaction from it.

We will all have mommy guilt, working or SAHM.

I will lose my shit over the "someone else is raising your kids" comments though, but that's already been addressed.

SharonB222 · September 2013

My ideal would be PT SAHM, PT WM (that's worth it). My reality is that I work reduced FT (32 hrs/wk) to financially support the family. The reason I write, is that DH is a PT SAHD and is surprised how much he enjoys it. Sure, he complains about the never-ending pile of dirty dishes and how he can't get anything done with a toddler underfoot, but he is tickled pink to be caring for his DD - something he never imagined (from his culture) that he'd do. I still hope I have a turn at SAHP...

McJen715 · September 2013

I hate the SAHM vs WM debate, pitting the two against each other and having a pissing match over which is 'harder' is in my opinion ridiculous. Being a momma is tough work, whether you work away from home, in home, or stay at home. I think that what matters is you do what works for your family and makes you happy. Don't worry about what others say.

Mum2Be28 · September 2013

Do not feel bad!! Being a SAHM is a full time, 24/7 job-- you just don't get a salary. I'm not going back to work either. If I had a career that I loved or made more money then I would consider it, but child care is expensive and it just did not make sense for our situation for me to go back to work. We just had lunch with a couple this weekend that have a 4 month old. The mom took maternity leave and then when she went back to work the dad took maternity leave. They both said they were happy to go back to work and they had a whole new appreciation and respect for any parent who chooses to stay at home full time. I was glad my hubby got to hear that from another father.

McJen715 · September 2013

Woodsie said:
Whether you work or are a SAHM, you are "on" all day and all night.

This. This. So this! Like I said in my reply earlier being a momma is tough. No matter where your job takes you (away/in home) there are struggles.

JaysonandKristin · September 2013

The only real way to address this is to say, "You do your thing; I'll do mine." Be confident in your decision, and move on.
Getting into elaborate tirades about a personal decision ends up with insults (intentional or not) on both sides.

I will say that despite the fact that I SAH, I can still buy expensive things and "not have to hide the receipts from anyone."

LoveOfMikesLife · September 2013

Woodsie said:

Being a SAHM is NOT the easy route. You don't have days off, you don't clock out or get sick days and you sure don't get holidays off! Oh and not to mention you are on call 24/7.
I'm not downing WM's at all. It take a lot of strength to go back to work but staying home is hard.
I have an enormous amount of respect for SAHMs. I SAH with DS for a year and it was hard and emotionally draining. I need to point out though that your comments about holidays and clocking out really rubbed me the wrong way. What do you think working moms do when they take holidays or clock out at the end of the day? They go home and start the "nightshift" of caring for her children. Whether you work or are a SAHM, you are "on" all day and all night.

I'm not getting in a pissing match about this. I am sorry if my comment rubbed you the wrong way though. I was responding to the "guilt" OP was feeling. I don't know what it's like to go to work but I have several friends that do work with small children. I can see each side being extremely hard, for several similar ans different reasons. My comment was just because I personally know a fee dads that are the sole provider and use the " it's my day off" comment sometimes.

LoveOfMikesLife · September 2013

Also I feel like a lot of times dads expect SAHM to do everything all the time because that's their " job" where when both parents work they share the " night shift" responsibilities.

LoveOfMikesLife · September 2013

CFox815 said:

Also I feel like a lot of times dads expect SAHM to do everything all the time because that's their " job" where when both parents work they share the " night shift" responsibilities.
My husband and I recently spent the weekend with a couple we're friends with and their infant. The wife returned to work following maternity leave. The husband kept noting how "it sucks" but his wife has to get up in the middle of the night with the baby. I reminded him he could do it too but he said, "that's her job." So this poor woman is burning the candle at both ends and her husband won't lift a finger because "that's her job." I wanted to TP him.

That's just shitty and you should have TP him

Mr&MrsGlenn · September 2013

It really saddens me to read women attacking women, accusing others of the same hurt which they are in turn inflicting. I'd much rather give someone the benefit of the doubt that perhaps they meant something else or I am misunderstanding what they actually meant. I know personally I can be quite emotional and hormonal and it can be easy to accidentally direct that towards others, but please lets try to respect each other as we encourage each other in our pregnancies. which comes back to the issue at hand in the first place of these women confused and not being encouraging about someone not wanting to go back to work after the baby is born.

Unfortunately, its a part of our culture to assume that a woman will want to continue working, whether for financial reasons or not. Its almost taboo to want to be a SAHM. For many the concept does not exist because it was not modeled in their own family or the families around them or even on TV. That does not mean that being a SAHM is ridiculous, it just means that it is not mainstream or according to how women tend to be portrayed in media and society. If you believe that this is what you need to do, then by all means do it. Don't allow other women's conceptions and understandings of what a mother could or should do change what you believe to be what your family needs. It is such an amazing blessing to be a mother, and you should cherish it in the way that you deem as most beneficial, whether that means working or staying at home.

I would be a SAHM, I wish that I could, but my husband is on a student visa which does not allow him to work, and someone's gotta pay rent etc.

bmqcmg · September 2013

If I could be a SAHM I would do it!

tiki8286 · September 2013

rczamora said:

tiki8286 said:
Um, I think going to work is WAY easier than staying at home with a child, especially an infant!! There were days with my DS when I would have given everything to have a job to go to just to get some moments of silence/time to myself/etc. granted, those feelings were because of exhaustion, lack of sleep and frustration with trying to figure out a new baby some days. But in the long run, I wouldn't trade staying at home for anything. So rewarding to see and hear my son talkin and doing things that I clearly have taught him myself!

My sisters both have gone back to work after their kids and I know they have much less stress when it comes to the kids since some else is basically raising them. But I would never say they they have it good since I can't imagine having my son an soon to be daughter in someone else's care. Granted, I will be excited when DS goes to school in 3 years but that's only because he is already so bright, it'll just give him a boost in life
I'm not going to attack you, but I have to ask, have you been a working mom vs a SAHM? Your post implies the answer is no…so my question is this: how do you know which is easier? Have your sisters told you they have a less stressful life than you because they work? Have they told you someone else is basically raising their kids?? I doubt they feel like they have it easier than you. It's wonderful that you are able to afford to stay home but not everyone can say the same. So it's not your place to be judgy towards those moms. Personally, I have to go back to work for financial reasons and I will only need child care 2 days a week. Does that mean I am only 1/3-1/4 raising my son? I don't think so. I don't think anyone can judge which is easier or harder unless you have ha to do both and I'm sure each is "harder" in it's own way.

Not meant to come out the way it read and be judgy, poorly written on my part. And yes, both sister said it'd be easier to stay at home, maybe to make me feel better since DH and I are barely scrapping by. I have been a working mom and SAHM. Currently, I stay at home with my son and can barely afford to do so. But if I went back to work, my entire paycheck would be going towards daycare since it costs so much here (Southern Ca). It's a catch 22 and like everyone had said, both situations have their ups and downs. So I apologize to anyone who was offended by what I wrote. I chalk up my terrible wording to hormones, exhaustion, hunger and emotions not coming through written words.

DebateThis · September 2013

tiki8286 said:

Um, I think going to work is WAY easier than staying at home with a child, especially an infant!! There were days with my DS when I would have given everything to have a job to go to just to get some moments of silence/time to myself/etc. granted, those feelings were because of exhaustion, lack of sleep and frustration with trying to figure out a new baby some days. But in the long run, I wouldn't trade staying at home for anything. So rewarding to see and hear my son talkin and doing things that I clearly have taught him myself! My sisters both have gone back to work after their kids and I know they have much less stress when it comes to the kids since some else is basically raising them. But I would never say they they have it good since I can't imagine having my son an soon to be daughter in someone else's care. Granted, I will be excited when DS goes to school in 3 years but that's only because he is already so bright, it'll just give him a boost in life

Well aren't you a douchebag. No, working moms don't have someone else "basically raising" their kids just like SAHMs aren't sitting around on their asses eating bonbons and watching soaps all day.

Perhaps you should curtail your ignorance so your kids don't catch it.

tiki8286 · September 2013

DebateThis said:

tiki8286 said:

Well aren't you a douchebag. No, working moms don't have someone else "basically raising" their kids just like SAHMs aren't sitting around on their asses eating bonbons and watching soaps all day.

Perhaps you should curtail your ignorance so your kids don't catch it.
Please read post above yours, I addressed my poorly written post

JamieCallow · September 2013

LoveOfMikesLife said:
Also I feel like a lot of times dads expect SAHM to do everything all the time because that's their " job" where when both parents work they share the " night shift" responsibilities.

My husband has already told me that when he gets home from work the household chores and baby duty is to be split 50/50 because I will be working all day too....just in a different capacity than he is:)

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