Lurker needing advice/support. .long..

trayle01 · August 2013

Hi guys. I have been lurking especially regarding the CIO stuff and would like suggestions/advice. I have a 10 month old daughter who refuses to sleep in her crib even though it's in our room. She slept in her rock n play (all night) till 5 months and we moved her to a mini crib next to the bed. The older she has gotten the less she sleeps through the night in her crib. Most nights she is in my bed by 2am. She used to last in the crib till 5. The doctor said it was time for CIO. Our docter thinks we have spoiled her by puting her in our bed when she crys. Last night was night 4 of her (CIO) screaming standing up reaching for me while in the crib. We tried getting her to sleep in our bed and then moving her but that hasn't worked. She will cry for hrs in the crib and last night fell asleep standing up reaching for me (which broke my heart and I put her in bed with me). We are wanting to try for another baby. She is an ivf baby and we'll have to do ivf again but I need to get her sleeping through the night first. Sorry this is long. Hope it makes sense since I'm sleep deprived. Cookies to everyone for reading.

NoeK · August 2013

Does she sleep through the night, when she is next to you in bed. If so, I guess my question would be why not let her sleep next to you. My kids left on their own a few months shy of being three, graduating to the "big kid" bed was a huge celebration in our house. So IMO I would bed share until she felt comfortable.

opheliainwaders · August 2013

Alternatively, if bed-sharing long-term isn't something you feel able to do, have you considered less-abrupt options, like the No Cry Sleep Solution? That might be a way for you to give your family a framework in which LO learns how to fall asleep and stay asleep.

One more thing to consider (though I don't know much yet) - any chance she could be hungry at night, if she's not BFing as much as she used to during the day? Is she waking up to eat, or does she just want snuggles?

mb314 · August 2013

First, please know you're not alone. It is not unusual for babies that age to not sleep well and to need help sleeping. My DS is 11 months, and we basically ended up bed sharing from like 1 am onwards each night because it is the only way I get any sleep. It is okay to have the baby in bed with you, so long as you are bed sharing safely. You are not spoiling your kid. That said, I understand the desire to have the baby in his/her own bed.

Your pediatrician should be giving medical advice, not parenting advice. Sleep training is parenting advice. If you're not comfortable with CIO, that's okay. Don't let people pressure you otherwise.

I second getting the No Cry Sleep Solution. I just started it and have started implementing some of the suggestions. DS is still not STTN, but things are improving in terms of the length of his sleeps.

=Lee=B · August 2013

Is she home during the day? Where does she nap? Maybe start with napping in the crib? Can you make it (safely) so her crib has the bars off the side attached to your bed and she is in crib and you in bed but still really close...then slowly over time inch away and eventually add the bars back and move the crib away. Slowly?

Does her being in the bed bother you, who cares if it bothers your doctor. Does it bother you in a way that you want her in the crib? If you're happy with her in the bed and she's happy in the bed then by all means keep her in the bed. She'll eventually move her self or when you become bothered by it try at that time.

I'm sure you've read on here before, that most of us go to the doctor for medical advice and not parenting advice. So, make sure this is what you want. You are not harming your daughter by keeping her in your bed, you're not 'spoiling' her.

If you want/need her in the crib then it will take patience, it has to be pretty confusing for her to suddenly be put in a crib beside you when she's used to being snuggled in with you! I would personally ease her into it.

JJ_13 · August 2013

It's unclear if YOU want her out of your bed for your own personal reasons or if you just think you need to get her out of your bed because your Pedi says so. These are two very, very different places to be.

If YOU genuinely want her out of your bed, then I think folks on here can offer lots of differing advice (personally, I like Kim West's Good Night SLeep Tight book), but if the only reason you want her out of your bed is b/c your Pedi says you need to, then I think you should ignore your Pedi, bring her in your bed whenever she needs to come in there (1 am, 11 pm, whatever) and forget about what other people think. If it's working for your family, then there's not a problem and no need to "fix" anything.

JJ_13 · August 2013

And, personally (and I'm not even a big AP'er), I think that little voice that made you pick her up when she was crying last night is worth listening too. Your mama instinct is there for a reason. I know it's not easy though. I know.

trayle01 · August 2013

She absolutely refuses to nap in the crib as well. She wants to nap on me or next to me (I'm a SAHM). I have been working on getting her to nap in the crib for weeks. She sleeps about 30 min then refuses to fall back asleep. She was so tired yesterday she crawled over to me to hug me (during playtime) and fell asleep on me. She is really a snuggle bug and loves to hug and kiss even at night. I have seen her wake up to just make sure I'm there then fall back to sleep. Now that she's mobile I worry about her crawling off the bed while I sleep. She does wake in our bed but only once or twice. I definitely don't want her in another room. I love her safe in our room where I can see her. I just saw a link one of you posted about making her crib attached to our bed. That's something I'm going to try. I will do some research on the no cry sleep training also. I just feel so defeated. I'm tired of hearing that I'm the reason she won't sleep by herself. :-(

JJ_13 · August 2013

trayle01 said:

She absolutely refuses to nap in the crib as well. She wants to nap on me or next to me (I'm a SAHM). I have been working on getting her to nap in the crib for weeks. She sleeps about 30 min then refuses to fall back asleep. She was so tired yesterday she crawled over to me to hug me (during playtime) and fell asleep on me. She is really a snuggle bug and loves to hug and kiss even at night. I have seen her wake up to just make sure I'm there then fall back to sleep. Now that she's mobile I worry about her crawling off the bed while I sleep. She does wake in our bed but only once or twice. I definitely don't want her in another room. I love her safe in our room where I can see her. I just saw a link one of you posted about making her crib attached to our bed. That's something I'm going to try. I will do some research on the no cry sleep training also. I just feel so defeated. I'm tired of hearing that I'm the reason she won't sleep by herself. :-(

When she is sleeping in your bed, does she sleep well? Do you sleep well?

I mean, technically, you probably are the reason she doesn't want to sleep by herself - but that's a pretty good reason, don't you think?! She obviously loves you and wants to be with you!

My LO does not sleep with us, so I am not a big bed-share promoter. I didn't sleep well when we tried bedsharing. But, I think it is going to be very hard to get her to sleep in your room but not in your bed, if you've been bedsharing thus far. I would look at side-car-ing a crib (check out the arms reach co-sleeper things) or making your bed safe for bedsharing (all assuming that you all sleep well in your bed). You can put rails on your bed or put your mattress on the floor if you're worried about her getting off it.

Like I said, if YOU really want her out of your bed then there are things you can do to implement that, but I personally think you'd probably have to move her out of your room. That's what we found at least.

trayle01 said:

She absolutely refuses to nap in the crib as well. She wants to nap on me or next to me (I'm a SAHM). I have been working on getting her to nap in the crib for weeks. She sleeps about 30 min then refuses to fall back asleep. She was so tired yesterday she crawled over to me to hug me (during playtime) and fell asleep on me. She is really a snuggle bug and loves to hug and kiss even at night. I have seen her wake up to just make sure I'm there then fall back to sleep. Now that she's mobile I worry about her crawling off the bed while I sleep. She does wake in our bed but only once or twice. I definitely don't want her in another room. I love her safe in our room where I can see her. I just saw a link one of you posted about making her crib attached to our bed. That's something I'm going to try. I will do some research on the no cry sleep training also. I just feel so defeated. I'm tired of hearing that I'm the reason she won't sleep by herself. :-(

JJ_13 · August 2013

I can't figure out how to edit, but I just saw how you said she wakes but only once or twice. Honestly, it sounds to me like your situation is working for you right now (especially if you take care of your rolling/crawling concerns). Don't worry about what your Pedi says if it's working for you. Smile and nod. Smile and nod. And then ignore.

ncbelle · August 2013

Babies are hardwired to want to sleep with us. And it sounds like that's what you want too. So ignore the unsolicited advice from your pedi and roll with what works for you. Heck, I know many adults who don't like to sleep alone - why people find it weird when a child doesn't want to is beyond me

If you like bed sharing, get a bedrail and teach her to safely crawl off of the bed. Or try the side car with the crib. I'd also echo the suggestion for the No Cry Sleep Solution. Another thing that I think was true for my kids was that the crib was a foreign place to them (and harder than they were used to). Sleeping in a regular bed worked much better when we transitioned from bed sharing - that might be something to try as well. You could just do a wee bed on the floor for her in your room or not and try that - maybe for naps to start.

All kids will STTN at some point - and they'll all have "regressions" where they wake again. Just part of the normal developmental cycle!

limetango · August 2013

I am a "natural" parent, as I parent the way that feels natural to me. That being said, I have never and would never let my DD CIO. I am so shocked when I hear of people who actually do it. There are many, many studies that show how harmful it is for the baby. If my pedi ever told me to do it, I would get a new pedi. Rant over.

My DD slept in her rock n play from birth to 6 months, and during that time would only nap in my arms. From 6-9 months I tried her in the arm's reach cosleeper right next to me, but most nights she ended up in bed with me. I think the cosleeper was too uncomfortable compared to our bed. After 9 months or so we moved her to her pack n play which was still right next to me. She would wake several times a night, same as your daughter, just to make sure I was still there. After her first birthday we decided it was time for her to start napping and sleeping in her own crib. We did it on a Friday night when my husband had off on Monday, so that we could worry less about how much we thought we were going to wake up to a screaming baby. It only took those three nights for her to get used to the idea of being in the room alone. She was still waking 1-3 times a night until about 16 months, but we could usually just go in and rub her back and she would fall back asleep. We think it was my husband's snoring that actually woke her up so much during the night. We NEVER let her CIO.

If you are sure it is not the sounds of you and your husband waking her up, I would also try sidecarring the crib to your bed, just so that she gets used to the crib, and then try to move her out. I know it's hard when you hear people say their baby has been STTN since 6 weeks or whatever, but they are probably just lying lol. I was in the same boat as you and it did work itself out in the end! You are not spoiling her by cosleeping and you are not the reason she does not sleep on her own!

Meganequine · August 2013

You're not spoiling your daughter! It wasn't fair for your pedi to say that you are.

My pedi said something in regards to sleeping (gasp; how dare he), but it also applies other parenting aspects, that I really liked. Babies get used to the way we do things. If you've been doing XYZ that's what they are used to. When we (the adult) decide to change things, they probably won't like it at first. There might be some fussing or even crying. We (as the adults) have to help them learn to enjoy, understand and accept the new routine.

Ignore the CIO, if you don't feel like that 's best/right, but I would try some gentle methods if you truly want her to sleep in her crib.

Also, maybe give it a couple of weeks and start the crib transition over and see if she's more open to the idea.

trayle01 · August 2013

Thanks so much for the advice. I really needed it. I have had a lot of mommy guilt over the sleep issue.

ForeverEverAfter · August 2013

I also recommend the No Cry books if its a change YOU want to make. I've been on leave this year, so LO napped in my arms for 4 months (and I loved it) but when I was ready to put her down she wouldn't go lol. No Cry Nap Solution got her taking predictable naps in her room (crib or floor bed depending on the day). I recently read No Cry Sleep Solution and they have some overlapping themes but are different enough that it was worth reading both. She's in her own room til her MOTN waking then we bedshare.

TiffanyBerry · September 2013

My daughter can easily handle the "horrible sleeper" label. Honestly, I hate the label. It's chock full of EXPECTATION, not actual description. She doesn't STTN. She is 3yrs, 4mo (or will be in 3 days), and she still doesn't STTN more than one night in 10. She was waking 3-4 times a night at the age your LO is.

She's always been a sensitive child, and sleep is a part of that - getting back to sleep is HARD for her. And doing that all alone, in a dark room, without the safety and security of a parent? She still can't do it yet most of the time. That's her personality, and (at 3yrs of age) NOT her "problem". We will work through, slowly, slowly, one year at a time, until she has the skills and habits she needs to sleep where she needs to - after all, I'm not coming with her to college.

Do what YOU feel is right for YOUR child (and your family), without someone else's expectations for some random "average" generic child!

RoryorHenry? · September 2013

I am mainly a lurker but had to log in to post because my daughter is also 10 months and not sleeping through the night and I have never been able to get her to sleep in a crib.

I really think it is an unrealistic expectation for all 10 month olds to be able to sleep all night in a crib and I wish pedis would stop pushing it. I have already decided if my daughter isn't sleeping through the night at our 12 month appointment I'm just going to lie and say she is! Darn pediatrician a! As a previous poster stated, sleep training or not sleep training is a parenting decision and not a medical one.

This is what works for us.... Once my daughter became very mobile I wasn't comfortable with her being in our tall bed so we gave her crib away and put a full sized adult mattress on the floor in her baby proofed room. I put her to bed either by nursing or rocking her to sleep and the. I'm free to get up and go about my night. Her first wake up is usually around midnight.... If my husband and I have already gone to bed than I just move into her room and spend the rest of the night with her on the floor bed. If we are still up I will resettle her and then come back to hang out with my husband.

For us the situation is ideal- no sleep training and our daughter gets all the mommy time she needs and I get to spend the evening and go to bed with my husband. Everyone is happy. Getting rid of the crib and more importantly the expectation of the crib and sleeping through the night and instead using a floor bed has made us all so much happier!

Good luck with whatever you decide but please know you do not need to follow your pediatricians advice with regards to sleeping.

musicalmama5 · September 2013

I don't know why your pedi cares where or how long your LO sleeps... It's not a medical issue.

PP's have some really great advice. I have none. We have mega sleep issues right now.

sucredee · September 2013

DD has never slept with us at night and was in a bassinet from day one (when she was a newborn she would sometimes spend the last couple of hours on my arm but that didn't happen very much at all). But she napped in her swing until she was 15 months old because she would not nap in her crib at all (she had no problem sleeping in it at night). Then one day she would not go to sleep in her swing. I took her up to her crib and nursed her to sleep and she has been napping in her crib ever since (I had tried it before but it never worked). This was also right around the time she switched to one nap a day. Prior to that she would never nap more than 30-40 minutes at a time. She still nurses to sleep for nap until this day and she is 3 years and 3 months (she would quit napping if I didn't nurse her anymore. She stopped napping at school where she goes 3 mornings a week). At night she quit nursing to sleep around 15 months as well. She still nurses last thing before bed but will go into her bed awake (unless she skipped her nap and is exhausted). She did not start STTN consistently thought the night until about 6-7 months ago. I would still nurse her when she woke up and she was to right back to sleep. If she wakes up now (usually because she has a bad dream) I still nurse her and she will go back to sleep (but not nurse to sleep). A few months ago I started lying down next to her crib for only 2 minutes and it works for us (I will tell her one more minute etc). I tried CIO once and never again. She escalates and it just wasn't worth it to me. She did eventually start STTN. It worked for us and since I'm the one doing bedtime and MOTN wakings I didn't care what people said. If you have her in bed with you and it works for all parties involved than who cares. Around 4 months DD was waking up about twice a night and around a year she was waking up once a night...that lasted a few weeks and then she started waking up every 2-3 hours again for several weeks. Most kids will go through sleep changes on a regular basis. Lots of people would probably think I was crazy for not CIO and that she didn't STTN until almost 3 and that I'm still nursing her. But in the end it isn't their child and it works for us. DH had mentioned it a few times as well (shouldn't she be STTN by now, my other kids did). But in the end he wasn't the one getting up with her and he finally gave up caring.

Lurker needing advice/support. .long..

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