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Intro and question

motherhen25515motherhen25515 member
in Blended Families

Hi, I'm a long-time lurker and thought it was time to introduce myself.  I have been married to DH for 5 months. I have 3 children from a previous marriage- DD16, DS14, and DD13.  He has 2 children from a previous marriage-SS18 and SD11.  DD16 lives with me and visits XH a few times a month.  XH and I share custody of the other two with a EOW schedule.  SD11 lives with us full-time and sees her Mom 3 weekends a month.  SS18 lives with DH's mom while going to college.  The XH and I have an extremely strained relationship that has involved multiple court proceedings and lots of drama that I am extremely tired of.  DH's XW for the most part has been amiable. 

Now for my question.  I am the sole bread winner for our family. My DH was diagnosed with an illness about a month after we married that doesn't allow him to work anymore.  He does qualify for SSDI but payment has not started yet.  I work long hours at an extremely stressful job.  I now pick up as much overtime as I can to supplement our household income until his SSDI checks begin.  I generally work 50-60 hrs a week in addition to a 1 1/2 roundtrip drive for work a day.  I am exhausted and am starting to feel taken advantage of.

When he quit his job, DH discussed him being responsible for chores and upkeep of the house, cleaning, laundry, etc., and yard work.  His condition should allow him adequate time to perform these tasks plus plenty of time to rest.  The days I work I am gone for about 14 hours.  He does not understand why I am in a bad mood when I come home from work and the house is a wreck, laundry isn't done, and there is nothing to eat.  I love this man with all of my heart but I am at my wits end.  I have tried discussing my feelings about all of this but he gets angry and says I am too picky and never satidfied.  I have become a very angry person.  I want the happy me back.  There are lots of other issues too, but this post would be a mile long.  Does anyone have suggestions on a different way to handle this?  I am to the point of asking him to move out.

I did suggest an anit-depressant because of the life changes but he refuses to take one.

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Re: Intro and question

  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    See a family therapist. If he wont go see one then go see an individual therapist. Make time to do it, it is so important. Angry ex's, teenagers, a new marriage, and now a disabling illness causing you to work 60 hours per week is too much for anyone to handle all on their own.

    Are you being too hard on him? I dont know the nature of his illness but is it possible he is really feeling like crap and cant do everything you are asking? Or he might be depressed and need a little patience and understanding. Being disabled as a relatively young man with a family to support has got to be hard on him.

    Therapy can help you navigate this thing and figure out how to nourish a young marriage through such a stressful situation.
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  • NineoceansNineoceans member
    What about the kids though? They're all old enough to keep your house a well oiled machine on a weekly basis.

    I'm sorry you're dealing with this. An anti depressant sounds like a good idea, in the short term though the kids need to be doing their share and Dh a smaller but fair share as well
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    edited September 2013

    I was in a somewhat similar situation to yours and felt the same way as you. I think you have to tell him it's counseling, or you cannot guarantee your marriage will survive.

    I also think you need to look at your behavior as well and try to meet him half way. Are you too picky?  Are you to difficult?  A counselor can help you both work thru these things, and help you determine how both of you can help the other and meet in the middle on some give and take.

    If two can't figure that out, you have a seriously tough row ahead of you. 

    You should also be checked for depression. I am not saying you are, or you should be handed drugs too, but you are under so much pressure.  At least get some counseling. I know. Your schedule is NUTS, I was there too, how can you find the time to do that too right?  I promise you, you'll feel better just venting to a neutral party.  Make the time.  Many insurances now cover counseling and I know some counselor's can assist with payment options or other avenues of help.

    I also agree the kids should be helping. BY the time I was 12, I was regularly doing farm chores,  laundry, mowing a hugeass lawn by push mower, cooking,  & cleaning.  I even had a weekend job when I was 14 and I've been working ever since.  We all had to do our part on the family farm.  All  4 of us kids are hard workers and dedicated individuals.  It's character building and will carry them thru life in ways they'll appreciate when they are adults.  I'm not saying your kids have to work as hard as I did when I was that age, but they should all be able to help take up the load and ease your stress a little.

    You are a family and a team - you all should work as one. 

    I'm sorry you are going thru this, I hope you find answers.

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • motherhen25515motherhen25515 member

    Thank you to who commented.  He and I actually had a very long discussion regarding a lot of these issues and I am a little more aware of just how bad he is feeling.  The kids, for the most part, are helpful and do anything I ask. 

    I am trying to convince him of our need for counseling.  We will see.

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  • twister22twister22 member
    I definitely recommend couple counseling and individual counseling. I know you are crazy busy, but try to find time for it.

    In the short term for chores - write out a list of everything you expect to be done, and then prioritize it from most important to least important. Then, talk with DH and see what chores you can assign to the kids, and what chores he can do. In regards to laundry, you could make each child responsible for their own laundry. Maybe DD16 could do your laundry too? And then DH would only be responsible for his laundry. If he doesn't do his laundry, he doesn't have clean clothes. In regards to meals, can people take turns? Maybe DH is overwhelmed with cooking, and is afraid of making crappy meals? Look up some easy recipes, and some easy crock pot recipes. Make it fool proof for him.

    T&Ps your way, you're definitely dealing with a lot.
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    twister22 said:
    ... Maybe DH is overwhelmed with cooking, and is afraid of making crappy meals? Look up some easy recipes, and some easy crock pot recipes. Make it fool proof for him.
     

    And if it's horrible still...eat what you can, smile, thank him for dinner, and don't say a word about how bad it is!

    I'll give my XH one thing - if a meal turned out bad - he ate it anyway and told me something good about it. It got where I could tell and I'd smile and say, "You don't like it do you?"  And he'd laugh and confess.  I never got mad. It was hard to be mad that he didn't like it when he was kind enough to eat it to make me happy to spare my feelings,  and was nice about it. 

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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