Do people tell you about their disappearing twin? What do you say?

cailinmeister · September 2013

Since getting pregnant/having twins, I've probably had 10-15 women tell me that they had a disappearing twin. I was terrified of this during my pregnancy and always feel pretty bad about it. Does this happen to you? What is the best thing to say?

LegallyBlonde217 · September 2013

How far along are you? Nobody ever said that to me while I was pregnant. If they had, I probably would have killed them with the dirty look on my face. >:P

I would probably just try to restrain yourself from punching them and say something like "We know that anything can happen with a twin pregnancy, but many people also have no problems at all."

10-4LilBuddy · September 2013

Why do people feel obligated to tell you their worst case scenario? Like we don't know risks and that bad things can happen? I will never understand the need to say something like that.

Yes, it happens, but so do success stories. If you are concerned, ask your doctor. They know more than "friends" or Dr Google. If you need a second opinion, ask another dr.

karah4816 · September 2013

When we first found out we were having a boy and a girl my husband and I went to the mall to buy a onesie for each to celebrate and the lady who checked us out told us she was pregnant with twins but one of them died. I just said I'm sorry but seriously who says that to someone who's pregnant!

CaliCarly77 · September 2013

My friend launched into a twin loss story that is just awful. And some days, it is all I think about! Thanks a lot.

How awful! People should keep these anecdotes to themselves.

TheDairyQueenx3 · September 2013

Oh this happened to me all the time! It seemed like as soon as we got pregnant and announced it was twins EVERYONE had a twin pregnancy that ending up as a singleton due to vanishing. At first it annoyed me because we didn't know if our little baby b was going to make it or not but now that he pulled through a very what could of been grim situation I just sorta laugh it off when I hear these stories. Not only that but I hear lots of "i was supposed to be a twin" stories too lol. I just would look at them like uuuhhhh ok? I just respond with well Im just thankful for what we have been blessed with and we couldn't be more excited. Sometimes if its exceptionally rude I will tell them our story from the beginning of the pregnancy when we really did almost lose the one but by the grace of God he survived they usually have nothing more to say.

Dragonfly1226 · September 2013

@Amylou333 - I really do think that people actually see things that way. Like if you lose one twin it's no big deal because there is still another baby. I have a cousin who had a vanishing twin not too long before I found out I was pregnant with twins. I agonized over how to tell her that I was pregnant with twins. How can people think that just because you are still pregnant with one baby it changes the fact that you lost a baby?

TobieRose · September 2013

When my mom called to tell my aunt (who is a twin herself, coincidentally) that I was having twins, she told her that her son had a vanishing twin that she never told anyone about. First thing out of her mouth.

I don't blame her because I'm sure it just sort of came out without her thinking about it, and seeing as this loss was a good 20 years ago something about my news must have just hit a chord with her. But now I know that my cousin had a twin, and HE doesn't even know, and it's kind of weird and awkward.

CaliCarly77 · September 2013

Amylou333 said:

@Dragonfly1226 agreed. A loss is a loss regardless. In the beginning this was literally all I could think about and people mentioning it all the time like it's NBD doesn't really help

Awful - not only would I be devastated to lose the one baby, I think I would have weird feelings when the other baby is born. If that makes sense. I am not saying I wouldn't be happy, I would just have lingering feelings.

kgs0505 · September 2013

Amylou333 said:
@MrsLee04
@Karah4816
Seriously...who says that to a pregnant woman?! No-one would ever talk so much about loss to a woman expecting a singleton.

Oh really? I think people always bring out their tragic pg stories, just look at the stories on the tri boards. they may not bring up vanishing twins, but there will be miscarriages and stillbirths. It's strange but i think they are just finding a way to connect with you, that yes, they might have had twins too. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it, except say "I'm, sorry for your loss, it must have been a difficult time."

caden · September 2013

I had a vanishing triplet and I kind of get where these people are coming from. I don't talk about it much IRL bc im private but when I hear about triplets or meet a trip mom it's one of the first things I think about. It's my link to their story, and I think these other vanished twin moms probably feel the same way. It wouldnt occur to me to think a pg mom of trips would get offended about my story or worry that it would happen to them because it's MY story. I probably wouldn't realize talking about loss wasn't appropriate until much later because I'm very matter of fact about it. It has been over 3 yrs since i was pg so im starting to forget the constant worry I felt. I had a previous miscarriage of a singleton and I am matter of fact about that now too. When I hear about someone else's miscarriage or talk of m/c's in general I think of my own. Again it's just the link I make in my mind. I think these moms are just trying to relate to you and probably don't think you're at any risk for what they/we went through so they're oblivious of how it comes off.

megs2011 · September 2013

The OB that delivered my girls told me the story of how one of her twin boys was a stillborn because she had HELLP and didn't know about it. It was that story that helped me deal with delivering as early as I did. This would be an instance where a story like that would be a blessing.

I honestly think that people really don't think before they speak. You have to hope sometimes that people have good intentions. Some people do, some don't.

Cleo421 · September 2013

I've had three people tell me this during my pregnancy!

10-4LilBuddy · September 2013

megs2011 said:
The OB that delivered my girls told me the story of how one of her twin boys was a stillborn because she had HELLP and didn't know about it. It was that story that helped me deal with delivering as early as I did. This would be an instance where a story like that would be a blessing.

How did she not know? Just wondering how an OB didn't notice symptoms.

Sweetestbonbon · September 2013

As a woman 32 weeks preg with twins and one is going to die (trisomy 18) even I can't believe what some people will say. My poor baby b is severely deformed and I had a DOCTOR tell me "at least you have one beautiful baby in there!" Talk about floored. I've gotten to the point where I'm just nasty back to them. I'm sick of being nice and understanding about it. When they say stupid things like "be thankful you have children at all" or "at least baby a is fine, count your blessings" I tell them, "That may work for you but it doesn't change the fact in carrying a baby that I have to watch die! So you go ahead and count your blessings!" I used to be all nice about it too, lol!

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