Aggression during time-outs

RayRay007 · August 2013

Thankfully, I guess, we haven't had to use time outs with DD until now. The other day she spit at the dinner table and when she kept doing it after being told not to she went to time out (fwiw, she wasn't actually spitting anything out, just making the gesture). It is something we probably used to ignore and not react to but now that she's older she needs to know that's not appropriate. There was one other occasion this week too. But she sits there and growls. And when I go to get her when it's over she growls at me and puts her fists up (doesn't hit or anything). And I explain to her why she's in time out and ask her to say sorry but she won't. Do I just keep her in TO until she calms down and apologizes? Or do I let her out and hope she gets it next time?

Also, DH thinks we have to give her a chance to correct her behaviour before putting her in time out. I told him, with the spitting incident, we did give her a chance - told her three times not to spit. I guess he means we should tell her what the consequences will be (like, threaten time out). I don't think that's helpful. Do you threaten time out or do you just do it?

SusieBW · August 2013

I never used time outs until the other day. DD understands time outs, and her old babysitter used to use them with her own kids, and maybe with DD too, if she was ever bad, but I've just never felt like we needed them. So I'm no expert. I think whether there's a warning or not depends on the infraction, I guess. With the spitting thing, I think a warning makes sense. Give them a chance to stop doing the bad behavior. With hitting or anything that can hurt other people or even themselves, I don't think a warning is necessary.

DD hit me the other day and went immediately to time out, no warning. I told her it was time to put toys away and get ready for bed (after having told her a few times that she only had 10 more minutes, 5 more minutes, etc.) and I picked something up and put it back on the shelf, as she was screaming no, no, no, no, no! When I turned around she yelled "no, mommy!" and swung at me. I kneeled down grabbed her fists and held them in between us and said "No. You do not hit. Time out for one minute." and I picked her up and sat her on the ottoman at the end of the living room, then walked to the doorway so I could see the kitchen clock. She just sat there and cried for the minute. Like, pathetic cried, not aggressive or mad. When the minute was up, I asked her to apologize and explained why she is not to hit anyone, ever. Then we went to get ready for bed without any more drama.

sschwege · August 2013

In the past few months we have started having DD stay in time-out until she is ready to apologize. I think she's old enough now to 'get it'. Sometimes it take a few times, but never more than several minutes. We make sure she looks at the person and says it nicely.

We do a lot with choices in our house. So I guess in the situation you are describing I would probably say something like, "Your choice is to stop spitting and stay at the table or continue spitting and I will remove you from the table." Another option may be, "We only spit in the bathroom sink. Your choice is to go to the bathroom and spit or stay here and eat your dinner." She is old enough, she does not need three warnings. If it were me, I would say it once, count to 10 in my head, if the behavior is not corrected, then you make the choice for her. Bring her to the bathroom so she can spit in the sink or bring her to time-out (whatever choice you gave her).

kgs0505 · August 2013

My TO policy is to say "you do that again, you are getting a timeout" for a quick action (like spitting or throwing food). If he's doing something that would take him time to stop doing (like getting down off a chair he pulled over to the counter), and he hasn't gotten down after I've asked 2 or 3 times, then I say," do you want a timeout? if you don't get down by the time I count to 3, it's a timeout." Then I count to 3. He usually waits until I'm at 3 to get down, but he 95% of the time stops and obeys. However, if he's doing something totally unacceptable, like he purposely hit me, or one of his sisters, or kicked the cat, then it's an immediate TO with no warnings.

So I do a combo, but it's dependent on the situation. Except for the extreme cases where he's causing someone pain on purpose, I give him a chance to correct himself. If he does, he gets praise for "making a good decision."

blondie42107 · August 2013

We take "breaks" and dh and I usually stay close by, help ds1 learn to take a deep breath, count to 5, etc. We explain why he's taking a break and ask for apologies to us or ds2, etc and hugs. Ds1 gets way more worked up if we just leave him and it takes twice as long to get to the end result.

Meeshe · August 2013

We sort of follow the "Supernanny" timeout which does include them staying there until they're willing to apologize. Back when I first did TO with my son...I can't remember now, maybe 16 months...he understood it even then? I would say, are you ready to make good choices? And he would look right at me and say no. So he stayed until he said yes and could apologize. With him it takes MUCH longer than it ever did with my DD.

Wulfgar · August 2013

We use time outs now. Depending on what he is doing we usually try to give him warnings prior to timeouts. If he is repeating the same bad behavior from the day before then we give him fewer warnings and are quicker to giving him a time out. One of the things that I started to do is also take away the toys that he is not allowed to throw if he throws them even after a time out.

Since our LO is closer to two instead of three one of us usually stays near him during time outs and explain why what he was doing was not correct.

We do make him at least hug the person when he gets too rough and was told to play nicer.

Aggression during time-outs

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