Am I selfish or rational?
SunAndRain
member
I think I'm being really selfish here.
I really want DD to have a sibling. I want her to have someone her size to play with at home and while we're on vacation. I want her to hopefully have family in her life as she grows older, in addition to her husband and children that she'll hopefully have one day. I know there are no guarantees that she would be close with a sibling but I also know that without one that guarantees she won't have that relationship in her life. All her cousins live far away (except for one expected in December who lives in town!)
I don't know if I can handle another child. I'm tired. I also have a hobby that I'm finally financially able to enjoy and if #2 comes along I will have zero time to do anything that is for myself. And I am concerned that after #2 my body won't bounce back in to shape fast enough for me to be able to continue with my hobby - horseback riding and jumping - it is very physical. Or that I'll have zero time to exercise (I don't do much now) and I'll gain an unhealthy and unattractive amount of weight. I also am so busy at work and my job is demanding. I'd like to cut back to 32 hours but I just don't see that happening with everything that is going on, even though it is technically an option at my workplace.
I'm worried that I'll be too tired to enjoy life at all. Too stressed to be a good mom. Right now DD has everything. All our time together is quality. I feel like things are sailing along pretty smoothly right now and I'm afraid to rock this boat.
I'm 39 and it took 3 years of trying for #1. If I don't get pregnant by 40 then I think I'll be done trying. Right now we're not preventing.
I really can't tell if I'm putting too much pressure on myself to literally give DD everything or if I'm making excuses for selfish reasons. Could use some outside perspectives.
Re: Am I selfish or rational?
If it was 100% because of the concern about "an unattractive amount of weight," that would be a little... yeah.
But there are many valid reasons in there too. I had LO at 40. We originally planned on two, but realized after the first year that we don't have the energy for another. It was not the only factor, but it can be a major influence. And certainly high stress can just make everyone miserable. Who really, at any age, would think a sibling is a good trade-off for a strung-out parent?
Siblings are huge. There's a One-and-Done board here and that's the biggest sticking point that comes up. And certainly where the guilt comes in. But also obviously people see ways past that. So you may find visiting that useful. Especially for the threads (already there) where people who are only children themselves talk about how it's really not bad at all. Everything else is too theoretical to be helpful if you're already stressed.
It is not selfish to have concerns about having a second child. You and your DH absolutely need to be on board with having another child for yourselves, not just for your DD.
When DS was younger we wanted to have another, but were really okay with just having our one, and there were so many other stressors in our lives we were afraid to add anything else. For a long time, him being an only seemed like a perfectly fine choice (but we held onto all of his baby things).
As he got older, we realized we really wanted the family dynamic of another child, and now that DS is older, he is so doting when he sees small children we realized he will totally rock as a big brother. So now I am 41 and PG and freaking out a little bit, because we were so hesitant about it for so long.
I think you just get to a point where you realize you need to move forward in one direction or the other, and for us it ultimately came down to the fact that when we are older and look back on our lives we would have bigger regrets if we never tried to add to our family. At the same time, we were not willing to go to any lengths to make that happen, and if we ended up a family of three that would be okay too.
I don't think you're being selfish at all. Like a pp mentioned, you have some very valid reasons. I would suggest not getting "hung up" on your child not having a sibling. She can have very close relationships with friends.
You have to do what's best for you and I'm sure you're doing what's best for your child---which doesn't have to include giving her a sibling.
DS is in kindergarten right now and I feel so free. I went to a Zumba class the other night and was able to bond with DS this week asking him how his first few days of kindergarten were. If you take care of yourself, you can feel better, be a better wife, and mom.
Don't let society tell you how to do your life.
Also, it really does go by fast, and even faster the second time around. Of course, that is in part because of the extra stress and time pressure, but DS is 18 months old now and that kind of makes my head spin. It felt like forever before DD reached this age, and with DS it went by in a flash. Just sharing my own experience in case it helps.
Not remotely selfish. It's a gigantic decision and everything needs to be considered - be it your DD or your ability to afford hobbies.
Good luck with your decision.
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Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
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