Visitors at the hospital

apostle85 · August 2013

Seeing the other post about people spilling the beans that you're in labor made me think of this. I am trying to figure out how we will handle visitors in the hospital. When I told my SIL (whom I sometimes do not get along with) that I was pregnant she immediately told her 4 and 2 year olds they would see the baby in the hospital after it was born. I also have three cousins ranging in age from 10-5 and I don't really want kids coming to see me in the hospital. There is no policy where I will be delivering unless you or the baby are in ICU then no children under 16 are allowed.

I also only want close family to come, but I don't want to offend anyone and I'm not good at being the enforcer (neither is my husband). A friend suggested having a "welcome baby" open house a few weeks after the baby is born and that way everyone could come and meet him/her and come and go as they please.

Anyone else have suggestions on how to handle this? I want people to know well enough in advance so it's not an issue.

Soap1 · August 2013

Honestly, I would pull the psycho crazy paranoid new mom card. Maybe you could freak out and cry right after delivery and tell your SIL that you can't handle visitors at the hospital because you're too overwhelmed and you just read a news story about newborns getting whooping cough?

No one can trump a crying brand new mom

We call the meet the baby parties "Sip and See" parties around here (Texas) and it's a great way to give you a couple of weeks to get used to being a mom and give your baby a chance to get a couple of vaccinations before you start having a million people hold him/her.

apostle85 · August 2013

Soap1 said:

Honestly, I would pull the psycho crazy paranoid new mom card. Maybe you could freak out and cry right after delivery and tell your SIL that you can't handle visitors at the hospital because you're too overwhelmed and you just read a news story about newborns getting whooping cough?

No one can trump a crying brand new mom

We call the meet the baby parties "Sip and See" parties around here (Texas) and it's a great way to give you a couple of weeks to get used to being a mom and give your baby a chance to get a couple of vaccinations before you start having a million people hold him/her.

Good call!!!! I just think it would stress me out to have kids running around in the room.

I love the "sip and see" name, so adorable! Ohio is so not that cool

imakeeff0rts · August 2013

I can't link it as I'm on my phone right now, but go read my response on the "how do you..." thread.

This is YOUR time with your LO. Visitors are NOT an obligation. Consider registering as private, telling the nurses that you don't want visitors or phone calls, and they will enforce that for you. You also don't have to let them know when you go into labor. If you don't want people at the hospital, don't make an announcement until you're headed home.

Agreed with the PP - Have a meet the baby gathering after the baby is born. If people can't be mature and understanding about it, that's their problem - not yours.

Please don't let your special day be ruined because you want to keep the peace. This time is about you and your new family.

apostle85 · August 2013

AFwifelife said:

At my hospital, I actually signed a paper stating whether or not they are allowed to tell people if I was there and what room I am in. I would let family know in advance your wishes for visitors. If they don't listen to you, there are definitely ways to enforce your wishes without having to be the "bad guy". Let your nurses know what the situation is. Most times, they will act as body guards and time keepers with no hesitation.

Good call. My SIL and I don't see eye to eye about a lot of things and she's been treating me pretty terrible this whole pregnancy. I don't want her to think I'm singling her out by not letting her kids come, but I just don't want any kids there period. I think I will add a list of who is allowed to come on my birth plan.

Thanks

McGuireMommy · August 2013

You can also add as a precaution to everyone how sensitive newborns are to germs and whatnot, and that everyone who is well and showing no signs of illness will be required to wash their hands thoroughly before entering and holding the baby. You can expand that to your SIL, respectfully, because 2 & 4 year olds are more likely to have something unwanted to share with your baby that if they are showing any signs of sickness or have been sick within the last two weeks, that you would prefer them to meet the baby when you are home. You can even tell her that you'll set up some "special cousin time" for them.

FemShep · August 2013

Since the hospital doesn't have a policy against kids visiting, make your pediatrician the bad guy. Tell your family that your ped doesn't want anyone under 18 visiting in the hospital or in the first week because of flu season, no exceptions. I'd also tell people ahead of time, so they understand and won't throw a fit after the baby is born.

"Oh MIL/SIL, we had our pre-birth appointment with the pediatrician today. We really love her, but she was very strict about not wanting us to have any visitors under 18 in the hospital because this flu season is supposed to be terrible. It would really help me if you'd spread the word, thanks so much!"

Unknown · August 2013

This content has been removed.

imakeeff0rts · August 2013

apostle85 said:

AFwifelife said:

At my hospital, I actually signed a paper stating whether or not they are allowed to tell people if I was there and what room I am in. I would let family know in advance your wishes for visitors. If they don't listen to you, there are definitely ways to enforce your wishes without having to be the "bad guy". Let your nurses know what the situation is. Most times, they will act as body guards and time keepers with no hesitation.

Good call. My SIL and I don't see eye to eye about a lot of things and she's been treating me pretty terrible this whole pregnancy. I don't want her to think I'm singling her out by not letting her kids come, but I just don't want any kids there period. I think I will add a list of who is allowed to come on my birth plan.

Thanks

Make sure that your hospital will allow this. My hospital has an all or none policy - either everyone is allowed or no one is allowed. I understand as they have other patients to take care of and can't stand guard all day IDing people. Have a backup plan in case your hospital also has an all or none policy.

In reference to the bolded, if she's been treating you badly, why would you even consider her being there (with or without kids) in the first place? Chances are, she's going to be negative and tell you about how you're doing everything wrong. That can be pretty detrimental to BFing (if that's what you're going to do), and just stressful in general.

lollipoppoop · August 2013

#1 for the flu scenario

MamaP19 · August 2013

If your ticker is right, you're due in the winter around the same time I am. I'm surprised the hospital has no rules about kids especially during flu season. With my first, I asked my mom (and my MIL) to spread the word that I didn't want any visitors in the hospital. We had every aunt, uncle, and cousin saying they would be there and it stressed me out like crazy. People might have been a little upset, but I didn't have to hear about it - and we invited people over when DD was about 2 weeks old and things settled down.

Totally agree with the others that you can pass the blame to the PED. Just remember that the only people you need to worry about are you and your sweet baby. If your SIL has already been there twice with newborns, she should understand, if not, oh well. Just tell yourself that you're doing what's right for you and your newborn - because you two come first.

apostle85 · August 2013

Thank you everyone! They have not posted the flu season policy yet (I work next door to the place I will be delivering, big medical school complex) so that could change. Most of the time they don't allow children if flu season is bad and as an employee if you don't get the free vaccination they make you wear a mask and isolation gear to go into patient rooms. Obviously they wouldn't know if family was vaccinated but I would know who was/wasn't.

To imakeeff0rts I am trying to be the bigger person and let her come see the baby. I know that she was unsuccessful with breast feeding and has at least been encouraging about that. But she also told me WIC will pay for my formula if I can't, which I doubt since my husband and I both make good money. But anyway, sorry for the rant, if she can't understand my wants for the birth of my child then that's her problem at this point.

imakeeff0rts · August 2013

apostle85 said:

Thank you everyone! They have not posted the flu season policy yet (I work next door to the place I will be delivering, big medical school complex) so that could change. Most of the time they don't allow children if flu season is bad and as an employee if you don't get the free vaccination they make you wear a mask and isolation gear to go into patient rooms. Obviously they wouldn't know if family was vaccinated but I would know who was/wasn't.

To imakeeff0rts I am trying to be the bigger person and let her come see the baby. I know that she was unsuccessful with breast feeding and has at least been encouraging about that. But she also told me WIC will pay for my formula if I can't, which I doubt since my husband and I both make good money. But anyway, sorry for the rant, if she can't understand my wants for the birth of my child then that's her problem at this point.

I'm really glad that you see it that way. It just sounds like she's kind of a general PITA. If you both make good money, I doubt you'd qualify for WIC. But if you do need to FF for whatever reason, definitely start couponing and stock up when you see a sale somewhere. That will save you a TON of money.

apostle85 · August 2013

She is a general PITA which is sad because we used to be very close. Now I don't tell her much about anything and just talk to her when I have to at family events. I have already started buying diapers when they are on sale and I have coupons. Our grocery store gives you $10 off for every $100 you buy in baby items and then $20 off $200 so that's nice to have as well. I'm very thrifty already to this is just a new thing I can be thrifty about!

lrj85 · August 2013

You may not be a good "enforcer" but this is your baby and you need some practice at setting boundaries or these family members will constantly walk all over you! My MIL is very pushy and told me she was going to be in the delivery room and when she was wanted be notified of my contractions and so on and so forth. I smiled and politely said "Suzanne I am so glad you are so anxious to meet your grandson but my midwife, doula, and husband will all be there and for me that is what I a comfortable with. We can't wait for you to meet the baby when we get home the next day." Don't make it a discussion. If people get upset simply reiterate that this plan is what you are comfortable with and tell them you appreciate them understanding.

zou bisou · August 2013

If neither of you are going to stand up for what you want, I can't think of any strategy, short of making up an elaborate lie, that would work for you. In some cases, there's just no substitute for having enough backbone to "enforce" your wishes. Maybe you'll enjoy the extra visitors after all?
:-/

Meery82 · August 2013

apostle85 said:

She is a general PITA which is sad because we used to be very close. Now I don't tell her much about anything and just talk to her when I have to at family events. I have already started buying diapers when they are on sale and I have coupons. Our grocery store gives you $10 off for every $100 you buy in baby items and then $20 off $200 so that's nice to have as well. I'm very thrifty already to this is just a new thing I can be thrifty about!

There is a great diaper deal on Amazon right now. And if you aren't familiar with the Swap Spot board, you can trade coupons you don't need for ones you do. I saved hundreds of dollars on formula swapping for formula checks. Just thought I would jump in here with my savings advice. Good luck!

octbride2006 · August 2013

I would allow visitors and advise the nurses to take the baby from your room if there are children. Most hospitals don't allow any kids under 12 unless you approve them. You can approve them but then just have the nurses find a reason to take the baby. Having a welcome baby thing doesn't T sound appealing to me. People stay at the hospital for 30 min maybe an hour. If its your house, they won't feel compelled to leave.

micaelasmakeup · August 2013

This is a no win for you, tread carefully. My experience, is just being honest that you want SIL there but don't want the babies. Don't make excuses for yourself just be honest. Otherwise you look crazy/paranoid/mean.
This way you can just look like a regular bitch;) and not in a I think you are one way, but in a no one can say youre being ridiculous, you are just being real!

msronzio · August 2013

Honestly, I'd have your OB and nurses be the bad guy. Just have them guard the door. No visitors should be allowed until you're ready anyway, what if you want to practice skin-to-skin or try BFing? You're going to be exhausted and want no interruptions, I'm sure! Then maybe an hour or two later you can call in the troops, when you're feeling up to it.

Even if the hospital doesn't have a policy, your room may end up being too small for visitors or other stuff like that, just have the nurses work something out with you. They will have no problem I'm sure, they do it all the time.

Winecheese&grapes · August 2013

Maybe I'm just a big fat meanie but everytime I see these posts I get so confused. What's wrong with just saying no? Now, I know people tend to tell little kids anything to get them to leave a subject alone, and hopefully that was the case here. Maybe she really won't attempt to come. But seriously, if you don't want visitors just say that, we really don't want any hospital visitors, we will let you know a day & time to visit once were home. It's not mean or rude, it's just truthful and up front.

tiggernorton04 · August 2013

I am due Feb 20 and the hospital I am going to have the baby will have a strict visitor policy because it will be flu season. Only immediate family and no children can visit I believe. There might be a policy similar to this where you give birth too. But either way, if you want to restrict visitors, totally your call.

imakeeff0rts · August 2013

octbride2006 said:

I would allow visitors and advise the nurses to take the baby from your room if there are children. Most hospitals don't allow any kids under 12 unless you approve them. You can approve them but then just have the nurses find a reason to take the baby. Having a welcome baby thing doesn't T sound appealing to me. People stay at the hospital for 30 min maybe an hour. If its your house, they won't feel compelled to leave.

Apparently you didn't read the OP. Her hospital doesn't have a policy about children under 12 unless they're sick.

As to the bolded, I'm glad that you had people respectful enough to not over stay their welcome, but that's certainly NOT true.

Toribaker171 · September 2013

I am in the same situation as you! I am setting it up with the hospital that there will not be children allowed, and no large groups. We will also have it set that only our parents will be there the day I deliver, no other family or friends till after the baby is born and we are settled. Due to a pregnancy related heart problem, I can not handle a lot of stress, and want to enjoy the day with my SO and our new baby, not stress about who is coming to visit. I believe it is entirely up to the mother and father, and so does the nursing staff, who have policies that allow you to decide what you want on your day! It may hurt there feelings at first, but just explain your concerns and give them a second option, like the party once you're home! As mothers they will eventually understand you are looking out for what's best for your family!

JessWeck · September 2013

I told everyone that we did not want hospital guests. I was worried a few might still try against our wishes so I told me nurse as soon as I got to the hospital. She wrote on the board outside of my labor and recovery room that no visitors allowed. We gave birth at a military hospital so they are super strict anyway.

Just stand your ground. You and your husband make the choices.

jknigh8 · September 2013

Our hospital does have a "no visitors under 16 except for siblings" policy, and if there is a flu outbreak in our city at any time, it is restricted to parents only during that time. You could always tell your family that the hospital does have a policy like that. Any nurse will take care of telling people if you dont want to.

apostle85 · September 2013

Thank you to everyone! I am sure that a flu policy would be in affect during that time and I'm going to check again about the young visitors. I am sure the rules are different for siblings, but regardless I would never take my child to visit a baby at the hospital or anyone else for that matter. Hospitals are not as clean as everyone thinks they are.

And to those who asked why I can't just say no to them or tell them how I feel, it's just not that easy for me and has never been. I don't like confrontation and starting family drama. I don't want this child to cause all kinds of stress and drama in the family, it should be a happy occasion and I want people to respect my wishes without coming off as a biotch. I'm sure I will figure something out.

bellc1980 · September 2013

Honestly, I'm not sure what the big deal is about having visitors. As long as they aren't holding the baby or sick, what's the worst that could happen? As long as it after the birth and you are feeling fine. After a a little bit, you could say OK, I need to get some rest because I'm tired and they should be respectful and leave. After all this is family and they just want to be there for you. You will see how it feels when someone tells you not to bring your child somewhere.

apostle85 · September 2013

bellc1980 said:

Honestly, I'm not sure what the big deal is about having visitors. As long as they aren't holding the baby or sick, what's the worst that could happen? As long as it after the birth and you are feeling fine. After a a little bit, you could say OK, I need to get some rest because I'm tired and they should be respectful and leave. After all this is family and they just want to be there for you. You will see how it feels when someone tells you not to bring your child somewhere.

I think if someone asked me not to bring my child somewhere, I wouldn't get mad. I wouldn't take my kid to visit someone in the hosptial in the first place. I've worked in one and I know how many germs are floating around in that place.

msronzio · September 2013

@Leftie22 Excellent advice.

@bellc1980 If the OP already mentioned she does not always get along with her SIL, and she's having trouble trying to figure out how to convey ahead of time that she is not comfortable with the visitors, I hardly believe she wants to entertain your shoddy advice of "after a little bit, say okay I need to get some rest." Um, if I just gave birth, I'm going to need to get some rest for a few DAYS... not on everyone else's (and their kids') schedules and interests. The worst that could happen = she doesn't feel like entertaining. Derp. It's a hospital room with a newborn, not an art and science exhibit at a museum.

avigailandcharlie · September 2013

Is there any way of not announcing that you're in the hospital and that baby was born until you're home from the hospital? I've had a few friends do that.

apostle85 · September 2013

avigailandcharlie said:

Is there any way of not announcing that you're in the hospital and that baby was born until you're home from the hospital? I've had a few friends do that.

I think that would be hard to do, they live next door to my in-laws and eventually everyone would find out.

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