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Blended Families
NM86
member
SM and Extra Curricular Activities?
NM86
member
Background: DH an BM have SD(6) 50/50 everything and have a 5/2/2/5 schedule. I care for her during most of the days during the week while BM and DH are at work.
Anyway, last year we asked BM what she thought about the idea of putting SD into Girl Scouts. BM flatly told us she didn't see it as something SD would like and that she didn't want to be a part of it either since parents are expected to be involved quite a bit. SD didn't show any interest in it, so that was the end of that. She is now in soccer, and both BM and DH support her in that activity.
Well a few days ago SD brought up the idea of Girl Scouts and said she would like to join. I gathered some information at Back to School Night and SD was very excited about it. DH and I told her we would think about it since she has soccer already.
Here is my question...would it be a bad idea to ask BM if I could take SD to Girl Scouts...sort of like just a SD and me type of thing or would that be crossing a line? We wouldn't be taking away any of her parenting time, and will find time only during DH's parenting time to go and do activities. Or would it be better if we'd first ask her if she would like to take her since she has priority, I guess you could call it, in that she is her mom.
I'm not sure if this will cause some type of trouble, or how to word things so they won't be misconstrued. I don't want to step on anyone's toes, if that makes sense. But SD really wants to join, and BM seemed to not like the idea. I would love to take her and have one on one time with her, but again...I'm not sure how to ask BM, for lack of a better way to explain it...
Does anyone have any experience with something like this?
Sorry, I tried to explain this as clearly as possible so as to not get flamed.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SM and Extra Curricular Activities?
I'm sure it's not rational but especially since its affiliated with the school I don't think it would be right for you to represent yourself as the mom (ie just having an activity for the two of you) when her mom is so present in her life.
There is no reason the kid should miss out on Girl Scouts if it is something she WANTS to do. If you make BM aware that SD has asked about joining and you are more than willing to participate and it isn't affecting her time, there is no reason to be "pissed off".
You are giving BM first "dibs" if she WANTS to participate and if she choses not to, than by all means go with your SD.
Her mom said no and Girl Scouts is an activity geared towards female kids and their female role models. I would seriously not cross that line but that's just me.
There will be plenty of times children want to do things and their parents say no for whatever reason, it happens. SS wants to do horseback riding- we had to say no because we just don't have the finances or time right now. Shame on us!!! We are crappy for ignoring his interests
Again it's up to you but prepare yourself for a ton of drama if you purposely ignore the feelings of the Bmom. Not a hill I would die on.
I would be annoyed as hell if a SM was doing something I should be doing. With that said, if my daughter would really love to join, I'd suck it up and do whatever I had to do as a parent to support something my daughter would love.
I think it depends on the relationship you all have with BM. Maybe she won't care. How has she reacted to you participating or handling things similar to this in the past? If you think she'd be open to it, your DH and SD should ask her.
If you think there is a possibility she would blow a gasket...don't even attempt it and tell your SD she's got to convince her mother first. Maybe if you agreed to help out, maybe she'd be open to it and then you'll end up doing it anyway.
I'm annoyed at your SD's mom. Why would she not want to support something like this? Yes, it's a lot of work to support your children's activities, but the benefits are so worth it. (I'm going to be a kickass 4H mom myself.) I hope she comes around, but I think SD is going to have to fight this battle with her mom and convince her. Not you and DH.
Of course intact family children don't get to do everything they want. But just because a kid comes from a Blended Family doesn't mean that a BMs ego or title or whatever should be the sole reason to trump what that kid WANTS to do when there is another adult more than happy to help out.
She isn't being told she CAN'T do GS with her own child she just is not able to for whatever reason or doesn't want to based on her own schedule, money, political reasons,etc.
I think you should absolutely approach BM with the idea. I see nothing wrong with it. Infact, I did that exact thing with my SD. And GS is not really related to school at all. They just have sign ups at schools because that's the easiest place to get sign ups.
When DD was in 2nd, I started her in GS by our house and SD was in 1st and BM started her. She went the one year and then BM stopped taking her because of dance interfering (their meetings were during BM's time). The next year DD continued in GS and our meetings fall when we have my SKs on Thurs nights so SD was just sitting at home. So the next year I finally asked BM if she would mind if SD joined DD and I for GS. She was fine with it. So we spent the next 4 years doing GS together. BM came to maybe one award ceremony. I became an assistant troop leader the last 2 years until the girls decided to quit (last August). The troop knew I was SM, not mom. We had a grandmother as another assistant troop leader. Our troop was large so we had a team of 5 leaders. We all went to Savannah, GA (the founders birthplace) for a week long trip. BM did not go and I flew alone with the girls because we did not travel there as a group but met up once at the hotel. The girls loved the years we spend in GS doing table tops selling cookies, trips, and sending them to camp. BM's extent of involvement was attending 1 award ceremony and she would take the cookie order form and sell maybe 12 boxes of cookes out of the hundreds we sold each year to allow SD to go to camp for free. We only did GS activities on our time. DH was also very involved. Men can be registered adult GS members, which he was so he attended all the tabletops with me. He just didn't attend the troop meetings or overnight trips (but technically he could have).
I hate the whole "it's a mom activity" crap. To me that is just jealousy. Not only that but most of the dad's in our troop were very involved especially during "cookie season." Also GS and BS do not have the same bylaws at all. I wouldn't change that time with th girls for anything and I really think it helped SD and I get closer. I am perfectly fine with DD's SM doing any "mom" activities with my DD as well.
That being said, even if BM decides she DOES want to be involved, there's no reason you can't still be involved as well. Maybe don't be the Head Honcho (Is it Den Leader? Troop Mom? I'm sorry, I'm not well versed in Girl Scouts), but you can supply the meeting snacks when SD is with you guys, or help volunteer at events.
When you said that DH and BM support SD in soccer, does that mean that you don't attend the practices or games?
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I didn't mean to sound as if I was going to take over the mom role.
I understand where many of you are coming from though.
I liked the way LittleJen22 suggested asking the question. Simple, short, no big deal implied.
While I completely agree, it can be a jealousy thing, it's not always.
I am sensitive about it because I saw how XSD's mom was so uninvolved in SD's life, and so was XH. Step-parents did almost everything for XSD. Hell, XSD said several times I was more of a parent to her than her mom or any other SM. Again, that might just be XSD's way of BS'ing me, but sadly...I think she was telling the truth on that one. We all here know how much their uninvolvement screwed up XSD.
While I always would have been an involved parent, I am just that more cognizant of it more than ever with DD. I don't ever want her to think I don't care or I've pawned off my responsibility on someone else. It irks me that XH is already using his girlfriend like he did me, to handle parental responsibilities. I'm mad at him. Not her.
If DD showed interest in something that XH's girlfriends or potential future wives (yes, I said wives, plural) were knowledgeable and good at, would I let them take the lead? Yes. Absolutely, I would! But I'd want to be involved and learn too for my daughter's sake because I am interested and want to support the things my daughter loves and I can only do that by learning and participating on some level myself. It wouldn't be out of jealousy.
And then again, maybe it's my insecurities about myself as a parent and making sure my daughter doesn't end up like XSD. I will admit I have a huge fear that XH's future f*ck ups will repeat with her as he did with XSD. When I hear Wendilea's stories, I often wonder if my parenting will be enough to keep her whole and on the right track.
Anyway...my point is, there are genuine other reasons, not just jealousy.
@+just+j+ The sad truth is that when your kids are in a blended family, you can't always be there for everything. Even in an intact family you can't always be involved in everything you want. I could never be the room mother at my DD's school because I work FT and the same will apply when DS starts school. If you want to be there and can, great. The perk of being in a BF is that if you can't be there, there might be someone there that can. I would prefer DD's SM be there doing something for DD if I can't be there (for whatever reason) that sad truth in my situation is that her SM is not there just as her BD is not. I would prefer one of them were because in her case if causes more insecurities in her because of her little sister. I think that is more detrimental than an active stepparent.
No, not at all. I go with DH to all of her games and I'm actually the one who takes her to all of her practices. BM never goes to practices, but attends the games.
I came from a blended family. I was in GS and my mom was not involved much during the meetings. She went on camping trips and did the cookie cupboard though. If my step mother had wanted to be involved in GS with my sister or I my mother wouldn't have even had to think about it. The answer would have been yes. I think if BM wants to go to meetings, let her go. If you want to go to meetings, I don't see why you shouldn't be allowed to go on DH's time. SD wants to do this, ultimately GS is for her and if her school work isn't impacted, DH is willing to give up his time to let her go and no one is asking BM to give up her time then there's no reason for objection.
If my step mother had been involved with my GS troop they would known she was my step-mom but really in our family step doesn't mean anything other than not-genetic and for me I only have one genetic parent in my life. If we had needed extra people, both my moms would have come together and helped my troop. Yes my step mother generally gives my mother preference on things but really it's never been a competition and they are really good about sharing. They are both an important part of our lives in different ways not specific to who's egg we came from. My mother and step father are divorced. It hasn't changed anything. My children are his grandchildren. Legal or not. I think this has been really great for me and all my siblings. My mother is even involved in my step-mother's children's lives. When new people come in, we're just adding to our family and they have to understand there's not territory. Relationships are built on time spent together, not on who came from where.
I think your mistake is positioning it as a mom and me thing. Unless you plan to get involved in leadership, it's not. I would explain to bm that it's a place to hang out and do cool things w her friends, and there is no mom and me component- that was a misunderstanding. Ask her if she would be ok w you dropping her off and picking her up each week. No commitment needed on her part.
If you plan to get super involved w leadership etc, I agree w ppers that as a bm I would be annoyed. But IMO that is not needed- your sd can stil enjoy is even w out your involvement.
Hth!