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Attachment Parenting
limetango
member
Fighting with your mother on parenting choices
limetango
member
This is a bit of a rant with a question at the end...
My mom has to make a comment about every. single. thing I do with DD. It's really starting to get on my nerves. My mom and I are not close at all, and I believe it is because she was such a detached parent. As babies my sister and I were always left to ourselves in our playpen. I don't know why b/c my mom was a SAHM so she could have taken some time out from dishes, cleaning, laundry, w/e else she did to actually spend time with us. The only time my family was together was for the 30 mins that we were eating dinner. Then the kids were off to play by themselves, Dad watched TV, and mom cleaned.
I am fortunate enough that I can stay home with DD (almost 21 months), although I do watch the son of a family friend 3 days a week for some extra income. But every time I talk to my mom, she has to make SOME comment about something I do with DD. We coslept for the first year and I never heard the end of it. When she was a baby my mom would say to put her to sleep on her tummy so that if she threw up it wouldn't choke her, even though everyone nowadays knows "back to sleep". DD weaned herself from BF around 18 months and from 6 months on I heard how I should stop and give her formula instead so that other people could have the pleasure of feeding her. My DD is still rear facing and my mom has to comment how I never rear faced and I turned out fine. I told my mom I didn't want DD eating ice cream and she says "well I do". Everything is "well I did it this way and you turned out fine". I'm 27 years old, times have changed Mom! I have tried talking to her about it and she had the nerve to tell me to stop criticizing the way she "gives advice". I have never once asked for her advice. My sister still lives at home with my parents and when DD stays the night there, she tells me how my mom completely ignores DD's routines and my rules for her.
I don't know what to do. I have thought about threatening my mom and telling her that if she can't learn to keep her mouth shut, then I will not allow her to see DD as much (she sees her at least twice a week, compared to twice a month like my dad and my husband's parents). My baby is healthy and happy, that should be the only thing that matters. Anyone else going through the same thing and have any advice to offer?
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Re: Fighting with your mother on parenting choices
If someone completely ignored my routines and direction; then they wouldn't get to be alone with my child. (That's actually why my MIL will never be alone with any of our children.)
I haven't dealt exactly with your situation, but I would say limit the time you spend with your mother and if she ask why just be honest and say you are tired of hearing her advice. (Ask her to stop giving your advice first if you haven't. It sounds like you have. I would just call it advice.)
In response to the "____ turned out fine." I have responded, "I don't want my kid to just be fine, I want them to be great. I'll do things my way, thank you." This is probably a little too snarky for someone you want to keep peace with though. . .at least the way I say it in my head.
State it now, if she can't abide by your rules, and set them out clearly (like you would a 2yr old) then she will not be allowed time alone (without you) with your child. Then follow through with it when she doesn't abide by the rules.
If you wish you can do test runs after to see if she got the point, if she doesn't follow the rules then once again do not let her see your child without you present.
Eventually she will have to choose to abide by the rules or not see your child without you. But be ready for a long, disappointing period of time.
We essentially had to do the above with my mother in law before our daughter was born based on how she treated my husband and I. We set the rule that if she wouldn't attend family therapy to fix things she would not see us. She tried 3 therapists, switching after each one made it clear she was the problem, not me, and that she indeed needed to make changes. We then said no more therapist changes this is the one. She has decided not to see us for 3 years now. She has never met her grandchild, by her own choice.
It sucks, especially for my husband but we all agree live is soooo much better without her manipulating and controlling us. Sadly our daughter will grow up with "grandma is in a time out because she wasn't being nice. When she is ready to try again we will see her".
Your child is your child your mom gets no say in how you raise her. It's one thing to give suggestion and to push your ideas but when you purposely go against the moms wishes you are messing with a fierce momma bear and you ain't gonna win!
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
I think most of it comes from her feeling that if I'm doing it differently, then I don't approve of how she raised me and think she was a bad mom. She is hurt by me not doing things the way she did. Whether or not I disapprove of how I was parented is irrelevant, though. I'm going to do what I think is best for my son, and I'm going to do what works for our family. It shouldn't have anything to do with my mom or her parenting, but for her it does.
We've basically agreed to disagree on many things. I've shared research with her, explained why I do some if the things I do, and on others just told her they weren't up for negotiation. My mom has never babysat for us.
It can be so discouraging to have so little support from people you love. I'd recommend surrounding yourself with good support, whether in other friends and family, a moms group, LLL, or API.
Now that DS is a toddler and so happy, secure and independent, the proof of our parenting is in him.
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In terms of grandparents not following rules and routines, I would not expect them to! A grandparents job is to spoil their grandchildren. Throughout their life, a child will adapt to different sets of rules. Their teacher is not going to handle situations the identical way you would nor is their soccer coach going to have the same rules. I mean of course there are some deal breakers--if my parents spanked one of my children they would lose the privilege to watch them without me there. Everything else is flexible. Being so controlling and not allowing them to learn from others does your child a great disservice IMO.
Well put! I sort of see the OP's frustration but more often than not, I don't understand/relate to these posts where people complain about their parents or IL's. I've learned to lighten up a TON when it comes to my mom watching DS. She loves him, makes sure he's safe and listens to me on the very important issues so the rest I just have to let go.
OP, I think this all might be worse for you because you don't have a close relationship with your mom and I'm sorry about that. Hope you can work something out that you are happy with.
I think part of the reason for these posts is that we (especially new or first time moms) are trying our best, following our instincts and doing what we think is right, and it really rattles your confidence to be told so often and by the people you love that you're doing it wrong. It's one thing for advice to be offered, and another for your mom or MIL to tell you every time she sees you that you're doing a huge disservice to your newborn child by holding her so often (your coddling will give her separation issues and she'll struggle to be independent) or by bedsharing (you're creating a terrible habit that will be so hard to break. She'll never sleep in her own space!) or whatever the criticism of the day is.
Most often (from my mom, at least), the advice isn't: "I've always heard its best to/ good to do xyz..." but, rather it's: "Because you do abc, you are going to make your life horribly difficult and ruin your child forever). It's hard to take, especially when you hear it often and are still trying to figure this parenting thing out yourself.
I think this is a great place to ask for help regarding criticism. It's so important to surround yourself with a good support network, with people who will affirm your hard work and that you're doing your best, with people who've been there and know what you're going through, and who can tell you that everything is and will be ok.
I don't know-it seems like if others rattle your confidence you need to work on your own self esteem instead of avoiding people. Even if you molded your parenting to what others felt was "right" there would always be something others would find fault with. My parents were cool with bed sharing but no lie they criticized the kind of socks I put on my sons feet last spring. I'm not kidding. Criticism is a part of life and you have to let it go in one ear and out the other. If not you're going to have a really tough time with parenthood regardless of what you're doing.
@KC_13 I have learned to let my mom's criticism flow out the other ear as soon as I hear it. And she really doesn't criticize as much as she hsed to...er, now she criticizes other things. Lol.
It took time for me to come to terms with the fact that my mom and I would not be able to resolve some of our differences, and it wasn't easy, and I didn't want to dismiss or diminish the challenge some mothers face with criticism from loved ones. That's all. NBD.