Caught Boyfriend Cheating

MaryKathryn1987 · August 2013

I feel completely helpless and I don't know who to turn to so I'm coming with this here. I found out this week that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. It's more of a casual sex thing than him being in a relationship. I feel completely helpless. I tried to confront him about it and he got completely defensive. He told me it wasn't true and we worked it out but today I got the proof I was hoping I wouldn't find. I don't want to confide in any of my friends or family because I don't want to admit that somethings wrong. I didn't even know anything was wrong! I feel completely blind sided. We have always been so perfect and so happy and I would have never expected this. I got tipped off that he was on a casual sex online dating site so I signed up for it and sure enough, I found his profile. It says that he is new to this, and wants to try something new and exciting and goes over some things he's looking to try. He's never opened up about his fantasies to me even though I've asked him to. He made this profile while we were together and about a week before we found out I was pregnant but he had signed on to his account yesterday afternoon. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I love him so much, and I can't do this without him. I know that sounds pathetic but it's true, despite all of this I don't want to lose him. I keep praying (and maybe you can add some prayers for me too, because I could sure use them) But it has to stop and I fear if I confront him, it will just push him away and I really could not handle that right now. What do I do? Do I pretend like I don't know and try to spice things up in our sex life and hope that he doesn't continue this? Do I confront him calmly about it and try to talk it out? I'm so distracted. I can't work, eat, sleep and the thought of him having casual sex with other women then coming home to me makes me so sick. What if he got an STD and gave it to me and our baby!?!?!? He's been through a lot in his personal relationships and I am understanding of that and patient but I just feel so lost with this and I need some wise advice on how to make this right. I feel so alone and scared right now. All I want is to fix this, be happy and raise this baby with a mom and dad who love them and love eachother and have a strong family unit and I could really use some wise advice, and prayers right now.

katieharpiceland · August 2013

You have to talk to him. No sacrifices here are worth getting the truth out and either fixing the issue or moving on. You'll never trust him if you always have this in the back of your mind. Talk to him and get tested ASAP for STD's. I'm sorry you're going through this.

amhah09 · August 2013

First of all, you CAN do this without him. Second, it is never a good idea to pretend you don't know. Third, you should most definitely confront him about it (if you think he's going to be violent then you obviously need to GTFO of that relationship anyway especially with a baby on the way) and try to get answers. It's probably not a bad idea to ask for a STD profile at your next office visit. I'm sure this is something that could be worked out if he is willing to be honest with you and you guys go through some counseling or something.. But honestly with a baby on the way I would have no patience for that.

ETA: I hope you find the strength and courage and support to get you through this. I'm sorry it's something you're dealing with.

michaelad3 · August 2013

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't think ignoring it is the right solution. It will likely just widen the gap between you, as you'll be continuously wondering if he's still doing it. Confrontation is hard, but I think it's necessary, and it sounds like he may need some counseling and it might benefit you both to see a counselor together to work through this. I will definitely pray for you!

hordol · August 2013

Get yourself tested for STDs as soon as you can.

Honestly, I know you said you can't do this without him, but you will find you are MUCH stronger than you think you are. You need to have some respect for yourself. It's not like this was a one time thing and he regrets it---he is deliberately trying to meet multiple people to hook up with and is lying about it. You do not have to put up with that.

Trying to surprise him with new things in the bedroom isn't te answer. It makes it sound like you're taking responsibility for his cheating. If he wasn't happy with the way things are going, he should have manned up and had a conversation with you about it. Instead he is lying and acting defensive and selfishly putting his sexual needs before you and the baby. Leave him, I highly doubt you would regret it in the long run.

Sending prayers your way.

squeakyfrog15 · August 2013

Oh man, I'm sorry you are going through this! You need to confront him and know that you can do this alone if you have to, but maybe you won't. Maybe he needs you to keep him accountable! You definitely need to be tested ASAP! I hope he changes and realize what he is losing if he doesn't! Good luck to you an we re here to support you in any way!

nikki912 · August 2013

I agree with PP. you have to confront him about this. It will be painful but its better to pull off the band aid all at once then have to see more and more evidence pile up until you are hysterical. I suggest counseling since you mentioned you want to make it work. If he is unwilling to see a therapist or admit his wrong doings my advice is to get out. You can do it alone, even if its scary!

SeattleMomma · August 2013

Run..... I was there with my ex. It turns out he cheated on me the whole time I was pregnant. Cheating is horrible but cheating on your girl while she's pregnant is just disgusting. What if that girl has aids? They pretty much risk the unborn child as well. I'm so sorry that your dealing with this. I was completely miserable my first time around. Luckily I met a wonderful man who accepts my sons and adores me. You don't have to stay with him because your pregnant or he's the baby daddy. I thought I did and I live miserably for years. Free yourself and be healthy find a man that will accept your baby and respect you as a woman. I only wish that I would of gotten this advice at 20. Best wishes!! If you need to vent or talk just message me.

CurlieWhirlie · August 2013

Agree with PPs that you need to talk to him about it. Also consider the possibility that he's only exploring online to see if he's "still got it", without actually sleeping with anyone IRL? It could be a response to stress over your serious relationship, the baby, etc. I'm not saying it's ok! It's not. But just seeing his profile online isn't proof he's slept with other women. The only way you will know is by talking to him about it calmly. And I suggest you get the help and perspective of a therapist if you are going to try to work through this, because you are really going to need help rebuilding your trust in him, even if he only "looked". So sorry you are going through this. Sending thoughts and hugs.

Mport90 · August 2013

Wow how hard and what an awful thing for anyone to go through, especially when pregnant. You need to confront him, you will not let it go out of your mind if you don't. I will be praying for you and your child.

MaryKathryn1987 · August 2013

@CurlieWhirlie I think you are right. I think that has a lot to do with it and that's exactly what he's doing. I can't say for sure that he has actually slept with another girl but it says that's what he's looking for and there's defintely been online video and emailing, texting, super graphic and explicit but I don't know that he is actually following through with it.

morg1442 · August 2013

First of all let me say how sorry I am that you are going through this. You need to make a priority list of your life and the things you value the most and ill be willing to bet your baby is at the top. Your baby is depending on you to be healthy so not eating and stressing is not good. Secondly, you need to truly determine you self worth. You don't have to be with a man who cheats on you. Pregnant or not. He clearly does not have the same feelings for you as you do for him. I know it's a difficult situation but you and your baby should come first.

Avion22 · August 2013

I agree that you should confront him (calmly) and tell him you found his profile. See if that will open up a conversation. I agree that it's possible he just created the profile but hasn't acted on anything, and it's possible he was never planning on it. Again, that doesn't make it OKAY, but it might be a factor in whether you can fix your issues and stay together or not.

If I were you, I would demand he attend relationship counseling with you and/or alone by himself. If he refuses to do that, then I don't think you should stay with him. I know it's scary, but you're better off on your own than trying to share parenting responsibilities with someone you can't trust and who doesn't respect you.

MrsS81112 · August 2013

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now. The stress isn't good for you and your baby. He needs to grow the hell up first off. He has a baby on the way. You either need to attend counseling together or girl you need to move on. You can do this. You don't deserve to be put through this hell and stress.

JessicaDanielle0910 · August 2013

I'm going to second @SeattleMomma... As hard as it may be to hear, Run... I've been there. At 17 I found out I was pregnant and my
boyfriend at the time was "that guy" he couldn't be faithful, and oh was he slick... A man who will cheat on you while you are pregnant does not love you, and even more than that, he does not respect you, and he isn't concerned with that baby. That's not to say he won't be a good father, but a man who doesn't think about the child while making decisions during pregnancy isn't going to think much of the child after pregnancy... And that may not hold true for you, but it has for me. I tried to hold on to my relationship, I was 17, alone, and terrified of doing it by myself. By my second trimester he had completely disappeared, and didn't come back around until my son was almost 2. You can do it alone, you just don't realize yet how strong you will be once you realize that you are a mother, and the sole provider for your child. Nobody can do it for you, you have to find that strength in yourself. And you'll find a man who will love your child, and love and respect you the way you deserve to be loved and respected. I definitely did, and I actually owe that to my son. Had I not had him, I never would have dated the man who is now my husband. He has helped me raise my son, and completely taken over the role of father. I wish you all the best, and if this relationship is what you want I hope it works out for you, but it's going to eat you up for years to come... I would ask to be tested for an STD though, just to know that you and your child's health have not been put at risk due to his infidelity.

LizChad09 · August 2013

I am sorry to read that you are going through this. I agree with others who have said you need to move on and you do have the strength to do it.

I can speak from the perspective of your child. After 4 kids and 36 years of marriage my parents got divorced b/c my dad decided he preferred the single life and all that goes along with it. It was incredibly painful to go through that as an adult. And it was difficult watching my mom in all that pain.

I will pray for you and your baby.

MSchepper · August 2013

I was there... My ex brought her to our wedding... Then after after when I found out I was preg she hit me up bragging about how she's at my house while I'm at work... I ended up miscarry at work a few days later and driving myself to the ER because he wouldn't pick up cause they were at our house. Needless to say when I got home he was at work all ready so I made a point to get the night off work and the next day he got to explain his black eye to his brothers... And I never went back... You need to know that you are stronger than this and you deserve way better than this.... I caught him on POF... And he is now remarried with a brand new baby and his new wife tried to call me and start problems over the divorce settlement and I told her to make a POF profile and look him up because he's at it again and this time he was trying to talk to my best friend as well as sent me plenty of I'm sorry emails... Don't put itself or your child in that position. He doesn't deserve you or that precious baby our cooking. If he can't handle being confronted about it make him go. Maybe take him to counseling and tell him then. Either way him sleeping around with Internet girls is the last thing that is safe for u.

pineconey · August 2013

Dump. His. Ass.

Mustardseed2007 · August 2013

You're better than this, you are better than him. Believe in yourself, you are stronger than you think. You DESERVE someone who values you and values your child. But you're not going to find that with him, no matter how much you WANT him to be a good guy, he is not one.

Maymac18 · August 2013

I'm sorry for your situation like the rest of us have mentioned. Unfortunately there is no magic solution to make you just fall out of love. It's easy for us all to say what you already know. The only advice I have is realistic advice. Only you know when you are done with this relationship. We can tell you all day, but if you aren't ready you will make excuses. Now a child is involved which is the saddest part and I know you hate that for your child. Everyone is right. This isn't the one for you. I hope you find the strength to do what's best for your baby and stay healthy. You are your baby's mom and must protect it at all costs. I know you can do it!! We are all here to listen<3

HNRomance · August 2013

You aren't helpless, you just don't want to make the hard decision. I've been there too, minus the pregnancy. The truth is, you can love many people throughout your life and any guy that isn't committed to you and is willing to put you at risk is not worth your time or indecision. Get rid of him and focus on yourself and your baby. When you get to the point where you will accept nothing less than commitment, honesty and true partnership, then you will be able to look for a guy that is worth being in your life. The fact that you don't want to tell friends or family just tells me that you already know that they will be saying the same things we are and you don't want them to tell you the truth or be mad at your bf. It's harsh but it's true hun. He's not worth it and you have much more important things to do in your life, including taking care of yourself and your baby.

Teresa1896 · August 2013

pineconey said:
Dump. His. Ass.

Yep, this. He's an asshole who cheats on his pregnant girlfriend. That's not a grey area. You don't need to talk to him to work things out or know exactly what happened. It doesn't matter, and personally I wouldn't want to know all the gritty details because I would obsess over them.

Leave him and file for child support as soon as your baby comes. Sorry you're dealing with this.

dashajean · August 2013

I believe in being honest with him about the fact that you know. He will feel your distance anyway. I however believe that two people can work through any problems as long as they both agree to work through it together. Humans make mistakes. He is capable of righting his wrongs if you are capable of truly forgiving him. I would seek a counselor to help you both communicate openly about it. It sounds like he made the choice before the baby news. Perhaps he would be willing to stop completely rather than to lose you both? I would be honest with him about how you feel and give him an ultimatum! It stops now and shall never happen again or you are out of the door. He will need to be patient with you and listen to all of your fears because the trust is gone now. Trust can be rebuilt but he has to earn it back. That is my wisdom after 41 years on this earth. It's easy to walk away but very hard to stick it out. Are you capable of working hard together is the real question.

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