IL issues - am I being unreasonable?? (long - JulyMomma)

JulyMomma2U2 · August 2013

So. Prior to having kids, DH and I saw his parents very infrequently - maybe once every month or two? After having DS1, they wanted to get together all the time -- that's great!! I was/am so happy about that - it's important to me that they are an active part of my boys' lives! But, all the time means every. single. weekend. In the beginning that was fine.. they came over every Sunday. But, we are now 13 months later (and, a second child!), and they still insist on seeing them every single weekend. Over the past 13 months, DH and I have had several major arguments over this.. because, in order to accommodate them seeing the kids every single weekend, it means there's a lot of things that we (me, hubby and the boys) don't get to do.. it also means I often have to cancel plans if they happen to occur during a time when his parents are planning to come, etc.

Anyway, to try and keep this from becoming a novel, this past weekend we had plans on both Saturday and Sunday. The weekend before, his parents were at their beach house and didn't come for a visit, and next weekend (Labor Day weekend) they will also be at their beach house and won't see the boys. It just so happens the weekend in between we had plans both days. DH asked me earlier in the week if his parents could come over before our weekend plans.. I said no. We needed to be out of the house around 12-1pm both days. To get ourselves up showered and dressed and both kids up, bathed, dressed, fed and hopefully a nap before we left, it left no room for his parents to come by. Holy hell broke out. His Mom guilted DH over not getting to see her grandkids, etc etc and then DH guilted me for saying no to them.. to cut to the point, his Mom ended up coming over to talk to me about this.. I tried explaining that committing one day every single weekend to them is very difficult.. it keeps us from being able to do certain things, and I don't think that's fair to feel like I can't ever make plans because we always have to accomodate them.. her "solution" was that she wants to come over at 7-8am in the morning (usually DH lets me sleep in until 9am) while I'm sleeping and see the kids before the day starts. This kind of pissed me off. For real?? No, I'm not comfortable having company (regardless if it's family!!) coming over while I'm "sleeping".. first off, I wouldn't be "sleeping", instead it would mean I would get up extra early to make sure I'm up and showered and the kids have had their breakfast and are dressed before they come.. not to mention the house picked up!! I'm not one to have people over and have a messy house.. or have my kids running around in their PJs still.. I take pride in my home, and I like to have my kids clean and dressed -- that's why I spend so much money on their damn clothes!! When I responded and said that, she said I need to "relinquish control because that's a solution that will work for all of us and "keep the peace"".. are you kidding me?? They are my kids.. I don't need to "relinquish control" over the fact that I choose NOT to have company come over at 7 or 8am on the weekends!!

It just bugs the crap out of me. She basically left it as we have to work something out because the only way to "keep the peace" is if they are able to see the kids every weekend. Arghhhh! I get that you want to be a part of their lives.. really, I do! But.. sometimes I want to have a weekend with just my family

Sometimes I want to spend my Sunday in my PJs curled up with my husband on the couch, playing with DS1, snuggling DS2.. sometimes I don't want to entertain.. and, to be quite honest, I'm sick of having to cancel plans, or not do things with hubby and the kids because we're staying home to accommodate them coming to visit

I know - we could always ask them to come do things with us.. but, that's a whole different issue.. MIL has a very dominating approach when she's around the kids.. this has been another issue I've struggled with (but haven't ever addressed in fear it would upset her).. when she's over to visit.. she literally takes DS1 and practically smothers him the entire time.. like, she'll take him into a seperate room from the rest of us, or she'll follow him around and be in his face the entire time so that it's almost like no one else can interact with him when she's over.. again, I could elaborate more, but I won't.. but, that's why I'm not willing to invite them to "do" things with us.. because, then it's not hubby and I that are getting to interact with the boys on these little weekend outings, instead it's MIL who will dominate

Sorry.. this got so long.. but, for real.. am I being unrealistic? How often do you all see your ILs? And, FWIW, we don't see my parents every single weekend.. we see them often, but not every weekend.. (my Mom did watch DS1 for us full time for a while, and will watch both boys p/t when I go back to work 3 days a week, so yes, she spends a lot of time with them).. anyway.. I need to hear from other Momma's.. what say you?!

ChloBub · August 2013

You are 100% NOT being unrealistic. That is absolutely insane to suggest that they come over at the crack of dawn (okay, I'm exaggerating a bit, but barely) on the weekend. And how is it "keeping the peace" if it's making YOU stressed? No way. Sorry YH isn't more on board with keeping them away! That's not fair that you're made to feel guilty.

We see my ILs infrequently: a few times per month, lately. We get the guilt trip about this from MIL, especially because DD fusses around them and loves my parents who she sees weekly at church (ILs go to a different church). But I don't really care because ILs were kind of awful to me after my loss. So I "keep the peace" and visit politely and frequently enough without going out of my way to see them all the time. Definitely not every weekend or on a Saturday morning!

((HUGS)) Hope you can work something out soon.

JulyMomma2U2 · August 2013

Thanks ladies.. I've talked to my Mom about this so much and she said I'm not being crazy either, but then again, she's my Mom..

In our fight, DH had the NERVE to say to me, and I quote, "I hope our boys do this to you in the future - you lead by example" I almost throat punched him for that.. he's lucky he said it over the phone and not in person.

mork · August 2013

Long story short, I'm completely with you on this one!

orangegoggles · August 2013

No you are not being unreasonable! Weekends are precious family time and I think you are being accommodating to them. If it works out, great. If you already have plans then no, you won't be seeing them. Sounds easier than it is, doesn't it?

I'm side eying your DH here. I don't think he shoul of put you in that awkward conversation with your MIL. DH and I each deal with out own parents regarding awkward or touchy subjects. That way you dont end up always looking like the bad guy.

DH really needs to be aware of his new nuclear family: you and DS 1&2. He really should be more in board with what works for yor family. I understand wanting to please his parents but there comes a time where he might have to ruffle their feathers and stick up for you.

Though it does sound like there are other issues with your MIL so maybe yor DH thinks your being too dismissive of their requests not based on time, but because they annoy you. I'd try to privately talk it over wih DH and together come up with what your ground rules will be and have DH tell them, not you. Don't let them negotiate with you either. Make sure he is firm, clear, and to the point.

JulyMomma2U2 · August 2013

Thanks ladies.. DH and I had a good long talk last night.. (which meant we both sacrificed precious hours of sleep in order to do so!! LOL)..

A lot of what you ladies have said is exactly how I feel.. like he didn't have my "back" on this issue.. like we aren't on the same page, etc. Granted, his Mom left work and drove down to our home to come talk with me about all this while DH was still at work.. he actually had no idea that she was coming.. but, still. His Mom is all about wanting to "deal with me directly" now because DH being the middle man "makes him feel miserable because he's trying to please both of us".. whatever.

I did lay all this out for DH.. and I did say that things need to change.. that he needs to make it known that not EVERY weekend must his parents see the kids.. that maybe every other weekend or something is more feasible... but, that I don't want to "miss out" on doing things as a family because we're waiting for them to come over.. and, the flip side.. I don't want to feel like it's unreasonable to just say.. ya know what, I don't feel like anyone coming over this weekend, or us going out.. let's just take a weekend to ourselves and stay home and relax!

pangnl79 - you've addressed a valid issue.. that he may see my push back as more of an issue with MIL instead of a time issue.. and, if I'm absolutely honest, I'm sure it's a little bit of both on my end.. we talked about this a lot last night, too.. I said that after having dealt with this for over a year, it does make me no longer enjoy the visits with his parents, and instead I feel annoyed when he says they are coming over.. and, that's not good.. for the 47th time, I've explained to him the issues with MIL and her dominating DS1.. and, for the 47th time he says he's going to pay more attention to it and try and address it.. it's hard, though.. DH is a fabulous Dad.. but, when his parents are here, he's very hands off.. he'll sit and watch sports on TV with his Dad and really not pay any mind to the kids.. so he doesn't notice the "monoplozing" that his Mom does.. me, on the other hand (especially when I was working -- it's easier a bit now that I'm on leave, but leave doesn't last forever!!).. I look forward to my weekends with my kids.. I look forward to getting to play with them, laugh with them, etc.. so when MIL is constantly whisking them away into different rooms or constantly standing over them or hovering over them if he's playing on the floor, etc.. it makes me feel like I am getting zero time to interact with them while they're here.. sigh.

Anyway.. DH "claims" he has my back and has apologized several times for the hurtful comments he made and for guilting me unnecessarily.. hopefully he's sincere and things will improve.. but, like hell are his parents coming here at 7 or 8am on the weekends. DH did admit that he told MIL he thought that was a great idea and something we could all be happy with.. smh.. sometimes I swear he doesn't "know" me at all.. I'd never be okay with that.. not with his family... not with my family!!!

Thanks for all the support.. it's good to know I'm not the one being unreasonable.

damabo80 · August 2013

Every weekend is crazy. I don't even see my BFF that often. I see my ILs once a year but they also live on the opposite side of the country Nd don't travel.

You're not up for having a houseguest every weekend. Nothing wrong with that request.

As a compromise, what about on a morning you want to sleep in, DH gets up early, dresses/feeds to boys and takes them over to your ILs house for a couple hours. Personally, I would live that arrangement. Allows you to sleep in and even get the house to yourself for an hour or two.

If you don't trust DH to get them fed/dressed, then yes, I'd say you need to relinquish control. He's a parent, and if they go out of the house wearing gray pants with a red top to go to grandma's for a few hours, it's not the end of the world. Or even meet them for breakfast somewhere.

Bonus: you don't have to see his parents at all

total win!

Junebug060609 · August 2013

Boundaries. You and DH need to establish them and they need to respect them.

JulyMomma2U2 · August 2013

damabo80 said:

Every weekend is crazy. I don't even see my BFF that often. I see my ILs once a year but they also live on the opposite side of the country Nd don't travel. You're not up for having a houseguest every weekend. Nothing wrong with that request. As a compromise, what about on a morning you want to sleep in, DH gets up early, dresses/feeds to boys and takes them over to your ILs house for a couple hours. Personally, I would live that arrangement. Allows you to sleep in and even get the house to yourself for an hour or two. If you don't trust DH to get them fed/dressed, then yes, I'd say you need to relinquish control. He's a parent, and if they go out of the house wearing gray pants with a red top to go to grandma's for a few hours, it's not the end of the world. Or even meet them for breakfast somewhere. Bonus: you don't have to see his parents at all total win!

@damabo80. I let DH take the boys to them on occasion, but that's also not something I want to d every weekend... The weekends are my time with the kids, too... Taking them out of the house means I don't get to see them easier.. While I'm out on maternity leave, it's not that big of a deal, but when I'm working,, that sucks to not see them,. DH did do that some weekends when I was pregnant and just too exhausted to get the house cleaned up after working all week for them to come over... But, yes, this is a option I'd be ok with on occasion.

MJM3108 · August 2013

Wow... Your MIL is completely BSC and I want to throat punch her for you! You are 110% NOT being unrealistic, she is. When I read stuff like this it makes me so happy that DH and his mom are not close... You absolutely need to stand your ground, and DH needs to grow the eff up and support his wife. If he thinks pissing off his mom is bad, man alive does he need a wake up call! He needs to remember that you and your boys are his #1 priority, and making sure YOU are happy comes before making his mom happy. And for the record, the only person I would ever consider letting in my house at 7 am on a weekend would be Jesus....

ETA- spelling and grammar

martinimomma · August 2013

Wow. You are surrounded by twatwaffles and I am speechless.

Stories like this make me less sad that by DH"s mother passed away when he was a child as I would lose my shizznit if I had a MIL like that.

I agree with the PPs about the Come to Jesus with DH, and presenting a united front to a domineering granndma who is trying to usurp your ability to have a normal life and some level of family activities away from the house that don't involve them.

I also like Damabo's idea. Maybe you could put that into the mix to give yourself a break and give them some time with the kids as well.

CheesyPeas · August 2013

Yeah, reading this string made my blood pressure rise. I see similar traits in my MIL, so it probably struck a bit of a nerve. Thankfully she lives far enough away that we don't see her but once or twice a month but if she were closer, I know we would be in the same boat. Needless to say, I am 100% on your team here and think that MIL is in serious need of being put in her place. This is YOUR family, and you need to not miss out on weekends with your family. Schedules need to incorporate grandparents, not revolve around them.

FmrAFBrat · August 2013

I agree with PPs have a come to Jesus meeting with your DH before things get out of hand. Your DH really needs to tell them that you guys need some alone time as a family.....especially since you have a new little one.

Take it from someone who at one point had her MIL who lives 45 minutes away staying at our house for 5 days at a time when DS1 was born. Nip it in the bud now or they will get worse and continue to intrude on your time and life. They will start to stop by a few hours early and invite themselves over to stay more often if they see what they are doing as acceptable behavior.

Unfortunately, I had to end my situation since my DH would not and it has caused a lot of strain between me and my mother in law. She now complains constantly about only getting to see the kids every other week and on special occasions.

JulyMomma2U2 · August 2013

@fmrafbrat Every other weekend is what I'm striving for! I wish they could be happy with that...!

tetiananina · August 2013

I don't think your being unreasonable. I mean you guys are a family and deserve to do things with just the 4 of you. And them going to the beach house, they can invite you guys to go for a day to see the kids but I'm sure that's when they do their own thing. I would set a schedule saying here our or plans if you would like to come visit on other days let us know so we can plan accordingly

IL issues - am I being unreasonable?? (long - JulyMomma)

Re: IL issues - am I being unreasonable?? (long - JulyMomma)

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