Relationship Advice

kellymcgregor · August 2013

This might be a little off topic but I really need some unbiased advice if I am being totally unreasonable. So, my daughter is 6 months old and we have had sex twice since she was born and only 3 or 4 times while I was pregnant. I never really thought much of it... It is my husband who always shoots me down though. So anyways, the baby was playing with the husbands phone (she likes to just hit buttons and see the screen changing) and his history came up... It was a lot of raunchy porn videos. My husband was right there and I was like wtf is all this... So he grabbed his phone back. I told him that I wanted to see what else was on his phone and if he deleted his history than this is going to be a major fight. So he jumped in his car and went and deleted his history. He claims his coworkers and friends send him porn links and he doesn't know what it is until its opened and he deleted it because he didn't want to drag his friends into it? Like how could I tell who sent it to him (if this is the case) by just the link. And why so much porn and then he shows zero interest in sex... I take care of myself and am back below my pre-pregnancy weight but cannot help but feel like this is a blow to my ego. Thoughts anyone?

jnealet · August 2013

I would vote that your husband is lying though his teeth on the coworkers sending him links. He was busted and is fighting to get out of it.

As for the porn, I think its pretty normal. The turning you down though, isn't normal. My initial thought is that he sees you in a different light, as a mother, and not as his sexy wife and he's having a tough time figuring it out. I don't know how to fix it.

LoCarb · August 2013

You both need to get your sexy back! Try other methods than planned/mechanical sex: seduce him, go to a toy store together, watch p0rn together (censored I'm at work). I know it's tough finding time bc you are exhausted the first yr.

As for him watching the videos-normal. I'm sure he 'bates often too (he's a guy, right?) I doubt his co-workers send him links. I would approach him again in a calm and playful manner and use the opportunity to ask him to share what he likes.

Now if the lies continue, arguments/disrespect ensue and his hours are not accounted for then these are red flags.

In conclusion, talk to him, find out how both of you can spice things up and remember you're normal. Many couples go through dry spots; especially when there is a nb/infant involved.

ETA: You can also be intimate without sex

aglenn · August 2013

I know the general consensus around here is that p0rn = normal, but I personally would not like it at all, and would especially not like the hiding and erasing of history, and the attempt to blame it on others. None of that is acceptable in my book.

It can take time to sort out the new normal after baby is born. I would say, honestly, that I am still working on it 4 years later. Be patient, but also be honest with him about how you are feeling.

bullybutt · August 2013

aglenn said:

I know the general consensus around here is that p0rn = normal, but I personally would not like it at all, and would especially not like the hiding and erasing of history, and the attempt to blame it on others. None of that is acceptable in my book.

It can take time to sort out the new normal after baby is born. I would say, honestly, that I am still working on it 4 years later. Be patient, but also be honest with him about how you are feeling.

I'm on this side of the fence also...especially if you are trying to instigate and he is shooting you down. It's definitely something that needs to be discussed and if he shuts down or can't man up to his own personal issues on the matter, then I'd be REALLY upset. Regardless, it all chalks up to him hiding it and lying to you. That's not cool. I've been in the same situation. It's insulting and starts playing on your insecurities. Infidelity comes in many forms, it just depends on what you're willing to "accept". Good luck!

DiveFrog · August 2013

Honestly, I don't have any issue with DH using mags and video. He was doing it when I met him and to be open about it so was I. We still both do, especially when one or the other is traveling for work.

Anyway, all that is to say I view it as healthy, natural and actually keeps our sex life more exciting and fun. Neither one of us views it as any type of infidelity.

The red flag here is that he is always turning you down. DH has never once turned me down when I initiated. I don't even blame him for lying about his other behavior if your reaction to seeing it was negative, or he felt 'caught' at something he thought you wouldn't approve of. That is just human nature.

You need to figure out why he is turning you down....could be any number of reasons, but something only open, accepting conversation is going to resolve.

Good Luck. Having a baby definitely changed things for us in the bedroom. We didn't get back to some semblance of normal until DD was almost a year old.

DiveFrog · August 2013

Nicb13 said:

wife07mom09 said:

agree with above. Porn is not "normal" and acceptable behavior. Do lots of folks watch it, yes. It is harmful to any marriage? Yes.
Id sit down after the two of you have cooled down and have an open and honest discussion about his feelings, your feelings and both of your expectations. Hiding or lying would be more of a concern to me at this moment than the actual porn though I do imagine this is very hurtful.
Praying for a good conversation between the 2 of you.

I disagree with this 100% Not communicating about problems in the bedroom is harmful to a marriage.
In this case, I think the porn is her DH's solution to his problems, not the cause. But I do agree that I hope they can talk this through!

100% agree!! If two people are communicating effectively both will get their needs met.

mrskelly731 · August 2013

DiveFrog said:

Nicb13 said:

wife07mom09 said:

agree with above. Porn is not "normal" and acceptable behavior. Do lots of folks watch it, yes. It is harmful to any marriage? Yes.
Id sit down after the two of you have cooled down and have an open and honest discussion about his feelings, your feelings and both of your expectations. Hiding or lying would be more of a concern to me at this moment than the actual porn though I do imagine this is very hurtful.
Praying for a good conversation between the 2 of you.

I disagree with this 100% Not communicating about problems in the bedroom is harmful to a marriage.
In this case, I think the porn is her DH's solution to his problems, not the cause. But I do agree that I hope they can talk this through!

100% agree!! If two people are communicating effectively both will get their needs met.

I 3rd all of this!

thedash · August 2013

Wait - he actually ran away from you and got into his car to delete his phone history!? That is a HUGE red flag to me. It's by far the most disturbing part of this story.

SparkySharky · August 2013

Porn isn't an issue for me (honestly, it keeps my DH off of my back sometimes), but lying about it is. That said - he's probably lying about it b/c he's embarrassed, not b/c he's cheating or looking at kids or something. It was a long process for my DH and I to finally have totally open communication about it. And we still have problems sometimes - like when I think he's paying more attention to porn than me or if I think he's just plain looking at it too often - but we're able to talk very openly about it. It took us about 5 years. Not that that's a standard amount of time, just trying to let you know that it's a process.

I agree that him fleeing and deleting is really unsettling, but it's a very real possibility that his initial reaction was to be completely horrified that you would ever know what he's looking at (even if it is just facials) and your initial reaction probably made him even more frightened of what you would do if you knew. If you've never talked about it, he doesn't know where your boundaries are or what you will think of what he likes to look at. Also, is there anything that you don't like to do? Well that's probably what he's looking at.

If you really want him to open up and talk about it, you have to go to him with an apology for your initial reaction (not b/c you were wrong for feeling that way, but b/c you can put yourself in his shoes). You also have to work really hard to not focus on the porn as the issue (even if it is an issue), b/c it's your relationship that's most important. You want sex. You should work on getting sex. Even if the lack of sex has something to do with porn, it's VERY likely only a small part and there are so many landmines and obstacles and detours on that issue that it will take forever to get sex if you try to sort the porn out first. Just try to get him to agree to postpone the porn-watching until you two have gotten into being intimate again regularly. Tell him you need his attention and his [insert body part] (no pun intended) - that you've never felt sexier - that there are so many things you've been thinking about while you've been waiting for him to notice you - that nothing is more important to you than being with him. If the guys cares about you (which you don't question at all in your OP), then he will care enough to open up.

shannm · August 2013

The porn is not the issue, it is the lying and running away.
You need to talk to him.

kristennd · August 2013

The hiding to delete the links implies that someone was sending him the porn. That's an issue.

plusoneblog · August 2013

I agree that the problem I found with this is that he blamed it on co-workers and then ran off the delete the history, not that he was actually watching porn, which I think many men do. I am almost 100% positive he downloaded it himself, and if that is the case he should just be honest about it, and have an honest and open discussion with you.

spainy17 · September 2013

While I am not antiporn, I think any activity that affects the sex life itself is a problem (like if he was doing it when the OP was not in the mood, fine, but if it is enough that it is killing his drive to be with his actual partner then it is too much. However, the running and deleting makes me think it might be more than videos. Are you sure that he is not being innapropriate with someone else? Is there a way to get his phone records or can you check if he has deleted his text history also? there are many things that can kill a guys sex drive and getting it somewhere else is one of them. I think it is a red flag at least and I would definitely either talk to him about it and/or further investigate.

2-Step · September 2013

I think if he was really getting it from friends he would be more open and not rush to delete it. My DHs friend have sent him things before and he is totally open and if I ask he shows me the text message and we laugh about it. Personally, that would be enough of a red flag to me to investigate further as pper suggested. I would do what I could to investigate and find what I could and then bring it up. I am not a snooper normally, but if DH gave me a reason to think he was hiding something like that, I would have no problem checking phone records and checking up on him until I felt comfortable that he was telling the truth, especially if he was acting out of character in other ways as you describe. Check up first, then talk to him and if that fails then try counseling.

2-Step · September 2013

2-Step said:

I think if he was really getting it from friends he would be more open and not rush to delete it. My DHs friend have sent him things before and he is totally open and if I ask he shows me the text message and we laugh about it. Personally, that would be enough of a red flag to me to investigate further as pper suggested. I would do what I could to investigate and find what I could and then bring it up. I am not a snooper normally, but if DH gave me a reason to think he was hiding something like that, I would have no problem checking phone records and checking up on him until I felt comfortable that he was telling the truth, especially if he was acting out of character in other ways as you describe. Check up first, then talk to him and if that fails then try counseling.

And by checking up, I mean checking checking who is texting/calling. I don't think him looking at that stuff is particularly upsetting, unless it is something illegal, but if it's not then he shouldn't have to hide it from you right? To me it sounds like there was something else on his phone he didn't want you to find. His actions just sound suspicious in general.

ASmallWonder · September 2013

If he knew you already knew about the porn being on his phone, then running to delete ANYTHING is a major red flag. I hate to say it but, he either has some majorly fucked up porn on there (i.e. same sex, kids, etc.) OR he was deleting something else you DIDN'T know about like text messages from a woman. Like I said, I hate to go there but if it was just regular ole porn and you already knew it was there, why hide to delete it?

82Sonia · September 2013

Pretty sure he's lying to you about his co-workers sending him these links. I'm not okay with my husband viewing these types of videos/pictures. I'm sure it's fine in some marriages, but not mine.

Before we got married, I caught him with several nudie photos and we had it out. He did not try to hide it or lie about it though and he's never turned me down for sex. That your husband is obviously hiding something and doesn't want to be intimate with you is a major red flag.

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