Toddler & Homebirth

ClaireOtoms · August 2013

I am hoping to hear some experiences and advice about what you did with your toddler during your homebirth. The plan all along has been that we will call my dad when labor starts and DS would go stay with him until LO is born, but lately H and I have both been feeling strongly that we really want DS to stay with us.

My mom is planning on being with us for the birth, but honestly she's always been somewhat reluctant to assume the role of caretaker with DS and I'm not sure I can rely on her to really focus on taking care of his needs. H will be very busy supporting me, so he won't be able to 100% care for DS either.

There may not be a really good solution for this situation, but I would love to hear from some of you who have BTDT - what was the experience like, and what sort of creative solutions might be out there?

SarahinMD · August 2013

I was present for birth of my sibling in a birth center and plan to have DD present at our hospital birth (using midwives). Ideally you do need a dedicated support person. My view if no one gets to be present who doesn't have a job. My mom will be there to care for DD. Otherwise, she wouldn't be there. Why should I have an audience so isn't invested in helping? There are some great children's books and resources...if you do have DS present, I'd consider getting some homebirth children's stories, and watching good birth videos with him to be sure he knows what to expect. W e done that and also talked with DD about what to expect, what sounds mommy makes (might be loud bt that's ok) and she's watched birth videos. My mom Didnt do that much prep with us, but I felt it was important for DD to one what to expect and also for us to be able to see how she reacts. I also figure if we're not comfortable being very clear with her ahead of time, we really shouldn't have her there--the last thing I'd want to be stressing over when the time comes is to be concerned she's upset. For a couple of my moms births, she didn't have family nearby, and all times had either a doula or midwifes assistant/intern who was basically dedicated to look after us.

MariaKeegs · August 2013

I sent my toddler to my moms for his sisters birth. He was not quite two. Now he's 3 1/2 and really wants to be present for this next baby due any day. I don't have a dedicated care giver and strongly feel that's the only option. They could be totally scarred if no one is there to talk them through what they see, hear, smell, etc. So with that being said, both my littles will be with my mom unless we luck out and it's night and they sleep through it all.

barnwife · August 2013

J. was 18 months when A. was born. Now, at almost 37 weeks, J. is 3 yo and A. is 18 months.

When A. was born, we had a family member come care for him. (My MW requires you to have a dedicated caregiver for other children.) We were absolutely fine with them being there/in the house or leaving, depending on time of day and what seemed best for J. in the moment.

Though they were in the house, they were not in the room when A. was born. The family member peeked in shortly after she heard A. cry to ask "boy or girl?" Then J. came in a little while later to meet his little sister.

Our plan is the same this time around. That same family member will hopefully be caring for J. and A. They are free to be here or go to her house or whatever.

Do you have someone who'd be able to be there to take care of LO, but leave if it's distracting you/DH/too scary or whatever for LO?

Luv2Run1st · August 2013

We had in-laws watch our almost 3 year old last Friday during our home birth. It would have been way too distracting for me to do what I needed to stay in my zone and he would have been quite upset to see me in any pain. What we did was have him be the first to see baby and the reaction was great and one of genuine excitement.

tokenhoser · August 2013

My home birth wasn't planned, but I did have one. I did not want DS around me once my labour got serious. I needed all my resources for myself to get through a contraction - he wanted to hang on me and hug me and help me, and I could not deal with that.

I also didn't want him to see the birth. It was a lot of blood and a bit of chaos.

A friend arrived in the nick of time (about half an hour before I had DD) and took him to the park. They stayed away until the mess was cleaned up. I ended up spending the night at the hospital. If I was home, I would have wanted him to spend a night away, honestly. I needed some time to recover and regroup before I could be ready to parent two at once, especially since I'm still nursing him and I wanted to be sure DD got a good dose of colostrum.

mAnYaSha · August 2013

DH and I could not agree on what to do with DS#1 during labor. I wanted DS #1 in the house during birth, I figured he'd be asleep during the night or we would have my MIL there during the day and they could go for a walk if he got scared when I would get loud during pushing, but he'd be back home immediately thereafter. We finally agreed that my MIL will be called once I go into labor no matter what time. My MW also requires separate caretaker for older kid(s). So the plan was MIL would come and then we'd play it by ear.

MIL did not make it until after birth. DS#1 slept through, I had DH wake him up after baby was out, but before placenta was out. DH and DS#1 cut the cord together.

You definately need to secure a person that could take care of your LO so you do not worry about him. Things happen, so if you needed to be transferred, at least you would not worry about your toddler.

ClaireOtoms · August 2013

Thanks for all of your input. IT is really helpful to hear some different experiences. I think it will probably be best for our family if DS goes to his Grandpa's house while I'm in labor. I guess a big part of me is hoping that this labor will happen at night and DS will just sleep through it all, but even then I may need some time to recoup a little before taking on toddler care! I love the idea of him being present for the birth, but he is still way to young to really understand what is happening anyway, so I don't think it's a great idea.

BrideNamedMeg · August 2013

Our midwife required that we had someone at the house in charge of our toddler. Her reasoning is that if we needed to transfer for any reason, that someone would need to stay with her as DH would obviously need to come with me. My Mom came over and was in charge of DD, they were at the house for awhile while I labored, but she eventually took her out to run errands and brought her home in time for bed. DS was born at nearly 2:00am, so she slept through it.

LaurelBee · August 2013

I planned for my neighbor to come watch Ds while I was in labor. That way Ds could be present if he or I wanted him to. But my mom happened to be in town the day I had Dd, so she took Ds for a swim in her hotel pool and Dd was here when they returned. She brought Ds back in time to watch Dd's newborn procedures. I'm actually really glad he was gone bc I was not the confident beautiful laboring woman I imagined myself to be. I was crawling around on my knees begging my MW for help. I'm really really glad no one else was there to witness that!

Haley.Beth · September 2013

DD was 18 months when her little sister was born. My mother came over, and it was her job to watch dd and bring beverages, etc. I ended up going into labor at 3:30 in the morning, but I was kind of loud and woke dd up around 6:30 and my mom got her some juice and held her because she was still sleepy. Dd2 was born twenty minutes later, dd1 was watching from my mom's arms. I really enjoyed having her there, she was a good reminder that I had already done this and "look at the beautiful little human I've already made, let's do this again!" She wasn't bothered at all by the birth and as soon as dh handed dd2 to me, dd1 exclaimed, "Hi baby!" Definitely the best moment of my entire life!