Don't know what to do...bad family situation (loooong)

winecastle14 · August 2013

This post is a combo of venting/needing advice and maybe just to help me sort thoughts out in my own head. I have a bit of a family crisis.

A quick background so you can understand the situation better:

Disclaimer: this is some straight up Maury shit so pay close attention or you'll be confused.

My mom and dad had me when they were 19. Divorced two years later. My mom is AMAZING and the absolute best parent I could have ever asked for, which is nice because my dad is pretty much the opposite. His parents are two of the best people I know and raised him better and pretty much parented me for him.

Fast forward two more marriages and 12 years later and my father and stepmother (now ex stepmother) have twins- a boy and a girl. Twins are now 16. Ex stepmother has a daughter and son from previous marriage. She is probably one of the worst parents I've ever come across. Lets the children do ANYTHING they want and does things like buy them alcohol and let them drop out of school to home school...oh but never actually makes them do the home school program. Doesn't want more for her children...wants them to end up just like her so it makes her feel better about herself. Yea, a true gem.

My dad lives with my grandparents and has ever since he got divorced (for the 3rd time) 8 years ago. My dad is addicted to prescription pain killers. He was in treatment for a while and then just decided to quit them cold turkey. About died but went through withdrawl at home and was successful. My grandparents and I have our doubts as to if he is still drug free. He refuses to go to rehab or therapy. My ex stepmother is on disability and collects child support from my dad. Oh and does things like have my sister get pain killers for a supposed kidney stone and takes my sister with her while she sells them then takes her shopping. To say it's a dysfunctional family is an understatement. Despite all of that, the twins are great kids.

My mom remarried when I was 4. I have a brother that's 7 years younger from my mom and stepfather.

On to the main story...

My little sister (one of the twins) is pregnant. Her mother let her go live with her boyfriend for a couple of months. She's back at home now but she pretty much lets her come and go as she pleases and lets the BF stay over any time. Knew daughter wasn't on birth control. Her other daughter who is a few years older than me also got pregnant at 16. Ex SM didn't do much to help her out when the baby came. She is excited that my little sister is pregnant and my sister thinks that she is going to help her but I know that the excitement will go away once the baby is here and it's time to get up with baby in the middle of the night. I've been upset about this and have offered for my sister to come live with us so that I can help her with the baby. I live 2 hours away from her right now so it'd mean moving to another town for her. She says she wants to but I don't know if she actually will. I don't want any money from her parents, just want what's best for my sister. I want to help her get her GED and give her a chance to make something of herself.

Ok, so that's an awful situation. But it gets worse. Last night I found out that her twin brother just knocked up his girlfriend of 2 months. I'm devastated. He lives part time with my dad/grand parents and has been raised in a better environment because of that (to my grandparents credit, not my father's). I expected better of him. His new girlfriend's mom died when she was younger and her dad currently has cancer and isn't doing well. He's 16 and she's 17. Neither of them have a high school education or a job. His GF is currently a junior in high school. My brother is taking GED classes and doing really well. Has been offered a scholarship to a tech school nearby because he's done so well in his GED classes. Now he's going to have to find a job instead of getting to go to college. I don't know where they are going to live. His GF's grandmother is on food stamps. His dad (also my dad) lives with my grandparents who already support their two grown children. I want to help him but I don't want a random girl (his GF) living with us. It's different to offer my sister a place to live and raise her baby because she's my sister. I'm not offering for her BF to live with us.

So, I want to help them. I want to find some kind of classes or something to enroll them in to help them know what the hell to do with a baby and to be successful in life. Any suggestions on ways I can help them? Obviously I could give them money but I'm not rich. I can help them some but I can't support two more babies. Hell, I'm still trying to be able to find a way to afford to stay home with my own baby. I want to help them in a way so that they can help themselves. KWIM?

To add insult to injury...my little brother from my mom and step dad is also about to be a father in February. He's 21 though and went to college and has a job so it's a little different. I'm just so upset because I wanted more for my younger siblings. I'm so much older than they are that I feel like a mother to them in some ways.

And that ladies is your daily dose of family drama. I really could be on Maury. Sigh.

mariaculbreth · August 2013

All I can say is wow!!! Your Dr may be able to help with finding them parenting classes. Some hospital may have classes as well. Soory this probably isn't much help! I hope things workout in the end!!!

SurpriseAt39 · August 2013

Wow!
Amazing! I actually followed that.
Much clearer that stuff you hear on Maury...

I don't know what to say besides good luck!
You're a great sister for wanting to try and help.

persephonerose · August 2013

I know how hard it is to be the older/responsible sibling and have to watch your younger siblings struggle. No matter how hard I tried to help my step sister she just kept falling into the same mess that our mother promoted. Dependent on men and pills. After a lot of stressing and worrying I realized that all I can do it offer emotional support along the way. Now (10 years later) she seems happy with her life, no more pills or men issues. But she had to do it her way. All of my trying to force her to come live with me, to let me help with her son, years of taking care of her son none of that changed her. Just added to my stress and worry.

My advice is to give both of the twins the address for the government agencies in their area that can help them get set up with assistance and medical coverage for the pregnancies. Encourage your brother to still attend the tech school. It will be hard work but he should be able to do school and work. He does not want to give up that opportunity, it might never come around again. Give them the information but try not to stress/get upset if they do not follow through. As much as you will want to "save" them from their situations, they have to be the ones to save themselves.

FX that everything works out ok for them.

techg0ddess · August 2013

What Persephonerose said. Exactly. They have to want to help themselves before you can help them and they have to be ready to help themselves. My middle sister is the loose cannon for us and no matter how many times we try to help her, she doesn't really want the help. She wants someone to take care of her in life but refuses to respect any rules and wants to do whatever she wants while you try to help her. Siblings tend to take advantage of you if they aren't really ready to help themselves and it causes stress beyond belief.

shaunnna · August 2013

I'm the one in my family who got pregnant at 18... NO ONE expected this apparently. However, I took responsibility for myself and my son. My family lives 1,000 miles away, and my now FI's family did not really want anything to do with him at the time. When I met him, he was a recovering addict... None of our situation was ideal. We now, however, are doing really well and saving to buy a house.

I do know that most teens in our situation do not follow in the same path. We qualified for free pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting classes through an organization called Teen Outreach Pregnancy Services. We were the only soon-to-be parents with our shit together. I saw firsthand that I was an exception to the teen mom stereotype (but that the stereotype exists for a reason...).

My advice is to definitely find classes for them. If they go, even if they don't really want to, that information will be in their head. I was lucky to have a midwife and RN teach the childbirth classes. She helped me really think about everything..

I feel like I have more to say, but I can't think of it now, sorry.

sunshyne1975 · August 2013

What state are you in? Look into the Healthy Families program. I was a social worker for them for 14 years. We do home visits to teen parents (under the age of 21). It's a FREE and voluntary program, and in my state we could stay with the family for 3 years, even if they aged out. We do parenting education, child development, education promotion and a ton of other things to help these parents be the best they can be. Our program had a 98% graduation rate and 94% went to college after graduating high school. Less than 10% of my clients were on public assistance. We formed close bonds, and can help with anything from prenatal education to choosing a daycare to birth control options (complete with props

.

I do believe each state has their own requirements, but it is a nationwide program. The key is - it's voluntary.... so they can just say no thanks and move on. However, we found that if we could get in the door for a first visit, they usually stick it out and end up learning and being better parents.

I hope you are able to help them. While I in no way promote or think teen pregnancy is great - I worked with them after the fact - they can be great parents and raise happy healthy children. Good luck to all of you!

jg1011 · August 2013

persephonerose said:

I know how hard it is to be the older/responsible sibling and have to watch your younger siblings struggle. No matter how hard I tried to help my step sister she just kept falling into the same mess that our mother promoted. Dependent on men and pills. After a lot of stressing and worrying I realized that all I can do it offer emotional support along the way. Now (10 years later) she seems happy with her life, no more pills or men issues. But she had to do it her way. All of my trying to force her to come live with me, to let me help with her son, years of taking care of her son none of that changed her. Just added to my stress and worry.

My advice is to give both of the twins the address for the government agencies in their area that can help them get set up with assistance and medical coverage for the pregnancies. Encourage your brother to still attend the tech school. It will be hard work but he should be able to do school and work. He does not want to give up that opportunity, it might never come around again. Give them the information but try not to stress/get upset if they do not follow through. As much as you will want to "save" them from their situations, they have to be the ones to save themselves.

FX that everything works out ok for them.

Persephone has it exactly right. I know it isn't how you envisioned help, but it's the one that might help break the cycle with a little guidance from you along the way. Take it from me.....giving money to a sibling "in need" isn't the answer either. Been there done that and, guess what? He's still in the same trouble he was in before. You are a good person to want to help and give them better than the life they've been dealt.

LuckyMissus · August 2013

Ditto encouraging your brother to go to the tech school. That's his best shot.

I also second what everyone said about not being able to help people until they're ready to do it themselves. I watched my parents go through/still going through all of this with my mom's siblings, and it's so hard.

I think their strategy with them was to just be there 100% for my cousins. Especially as they got older, my parents were super supportive of them and would spend a lot of time with them when we would go to visit, call them on the phone to check in with them, etc. They helped one of my cousins get into the military, recommended them for jobs they heard about, etc. They also made a big deal of recognizing their accomplishments, because their parents just didn't get it. I think it was great for them to be an emotional support system for them, and provide a good example that they weren't getting from their parents.

winecastle14 · August 2013

Thanks so much everyone for your support and advice. I truly appreciate it and it did help me feel better just to get it out there and read all of your responses. I know the right thing to do is to not give them money but in my heart I still feel like they are babies and I just want to be able to scoop them up in my arms and tell them everything is going to be okay. i'm going to look into eveything people mentioned here. Definitely going to encourage my brother to still attend the tech school. He doesnt even have a drivers license right now or have a car so it'll be tough for him.

@shaunnna I really admire you for being the exception to the teen mom stereotype. You should feel really proud that you've been able to get it together and provide a good life for your son. I was glad to read your perspective. I may have some questions for you in the future as I want to be sensitive to my siblings feelings and not offend them as I'm trying to help them.

@sunshyne1975 I am in GA and will definitely look into that program. I appreciate you taking the time to tell me about it.

shella923 · August 2013

DH's cousin had a baby at 19 which isn't super young but she acts younger. Recently my BIL was speaking to her and she mentioned she was ready to start working toward her goal . Which is...to be a famous singer (no background in this btw) we couldn't understand with two aunts (I guess her mom isn't doing too much) who have this shiz together aren't helping . But they have probably tried to no avail . You can only do so much. Great advice from previous posters.

ExcitedMum2B · August 2013

Just guide them towards resources. Do the research for them, give them a list and contacts and let them work it out. I know the urge to be a protector/helper all too well. But right now you need to take care of O and your own goals towards being able to stay home with her. Taking on a 16 year old and a baby is going to be a lot more work, and what if she takes advantage of having a responsible person there to help take care of her baby and wants to do all those teenager things like go out all the time and be a kid? Then you are essentially raising three kids.
Give her and her brother resources, encourage them to use them, encourage GED and tech school, but refrain from providing money or housing. There are plenty of government resources that will help them with food and shelter if they need it. You take care of you!

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Don't know what to do...bad family situation (loooong)

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