A WWS12D regarding 6 year olds still using pacis

BPer · August 2013

So, I have twin 6 year old nieces who still use pacifiers, and not just at night, always. SIL takes a parenting approach that gives the girls a lot of independence, and allows them to make 'choices'. Their choices reflect a diet composed strictly of Mac n cheese, applesauce, and cupcakes. Not good. So the girls went to the dentist, and he could not believe they still had pacifiers, and said they needed to give them up immediately. And here we are, six months later, and they still use them. So SIL made a 'deal' with them, that they could keep their pacifiers until they lost their first tooth. Well, one of the girls did last week, but is lying about it, hid the tooth, and refuses to open her mouth...all to avoid giving up her pacifier. I told SIL that at this point, she should just take them, and explain to the girls that they are too old for them, but she said she needs to 'ease them into the idea'. Um, they're six years old. So, if you were SIL, how would you go about it?

Flamingemu · August 2013

Not have let them get to 6 still using it? Oh, advice. Umm...I got nothing. Does bargaining work with 6 year olds? It doesn't sound like it does if she won't open her mouth. I would probably just take it. How long do they keep grudges at 6?

redneckmomma25 · August 2013

Take them away.

BPer · August 2013

Oh good, we're all on the same page. She acted as if I was heartless when I was like 'Dude, take them and throw them out'.

noloveintennis · August 2013

If I were SIL my kids would not still have paci's at 6 yrs old. I plan on taking AJ's away during the day by no later than 18months (cutting back on it before then)and having it completely gone by 2.

AlinnJo · August 2013

I would take them away. Explain they are too old to have them and throw them out. Then deal with the tantrum that follows and then move on. We had a K student come in with a paci and the parent got so mad that we wouldn't allow it in the classroom. The mom even went to the principal to complain. It was unbelievable!

opaque1997 · August 2013

So it seems OP was just looking for validation that she's not nuts and her SIL is likely crazy

(consider yourself validated

) that said - advice to the mom? Sounds like you gave her advice - she doesn't want to have it - also sounds like SIL parenting style is "lets not upset the children" and thus....... try not to look

Thats my advice to YOU because this is likely just the start of nightmares..

Binkies at six? I won't lie - I get all sad thinking of taking away LOs beloved pacis - but I will do it - Probably not before two (unless somethign happens) but everytihgn I've read has said there are no issues with partial use (bed time / naptime which we've already started with - hey lets leave binky in bed (unless out in the car / public when tired) ) until age 2. If the thing is in the mouth all day long it can delay / cause issues with speach - but as mentioned we use for bedtime or when we need her to not be screaming in public

ANYWAY (can you tell I have some guilt already and she's only 11 months??) My g/f has an older child who sucks her thumb - the dentist sat the CHILD down and said - your teeth are suffering because of your thumb - She was MORTIFIED that the dentist knew she was sucking her thumb and most of the behavior has curbed since then - so I'd encourage the convo from the dentist (and thus releaves the mom) but it sounds like that tactic didn't work..:(

ktnicole · August 2013

Woah.. smiley faces and spelling.

Obviously BPer she should just GTFO it and take them away. I can't even understand how that seems okay to her.

BPer · August 2013

mrssqueegy said:

mathlete said:

I am an asshole and would just take them away (and would have as soon as the dentist flipped on me) and tell them to GTFover it.

Uh, you're not an asshole. You are a grown adult who would parent your kid.

This is ridiculous. Those kids are doomed.

That's kind of my fear. She had to hold them back a year from starting preschool because they were lacking socially. I'm convinced it's because SIL doesn't actually make them DO anything.

Hyaline · August 2013

It sounds like this issue goes far beyond what to do about pacis--it sounds to me (JUDGY MOM ALERT) that your SIL doesn't want to have to deal with any difficult discipline issues so lets the girls do what they want and calls it "independence." She needs to set some limits, and pacis are just the start.

/endjudgymomrant

mrsbhk22 · August 2013

You are right on. Pacifiers at 6 is ridiculous. Since it's your nieces, you've spoke your piece but there is not much else you can do.

Maybe I'm an evil mom, but at that point I'd just take them away.

jberry714 · August 2013

Honestly I recently broke my six year old of his thumb sucking habit. I wished it was a paci I could have just thrown away. I tried tape, Bite off nail polish, explaining how it'll ruin his teeth and finally threating to tell friends at school (<--- MOTY). Yes it was hell. He cried and yelled. It was terrible. But he's over it now. He visited the dentist and I was told they can tell he stopped. He turns 7 next month. Yay me!
SIL needs to suck it up and deal with the problem!

mrsbhk22 · August 2013

@jberry714 what finally worked? My SIL has tried the nail polish, tape, even a medical hand brace but my niece and nephew (7&6) won't stop when they are sleeping.

jenndub · August 2013

6 years old is old enough to be honest with. My son is 6, maybe I'm harsh but I would take the paci away and tell him he's too old for it and it's ruining his teeth. And with all things involving my son, I would make it a game. We'd have a sticker chart and see how many days he could go without it. Every time he reached a new week, we would celebrate. And by celebrate, I mean that he can go pick a board game for the whole family to play, or a movie to watch. At one month, it would be ice cream reward and then the game is over.

Unknown · August 2013

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watercolor5 · August 2013

I think it's ridiculous to not know that you as a parent need to make the responsible choice for your kids, since they don't know how to "choose" things that will lead to healthy teeth and a good diet later in life.

I think parents tend to think giving up pacis will be harder than it is. When I nannied, the 3 year-old was pretty reliant on her pacis, esp when sleeping. Her parents made up the idea of a "paci fairy" who would take the pacis from older toddlers, and give them to the babies who need them. In exchange, she gave the toddler a gift. The 3 year old got really into it, and decorated a box to leave her pacis in for the fairy to take to the babies. She got rid of them all at once, the fairy filled her box with little toys, and she did really well with it. I think the only time she even got upset over the process was when she found an old paci and tried to sneak it, and we took it away.

Anyway, this would be one approach to "easing" her kids into it.

bonjourbelle05 · August 2013

I feel your pain...my nephew is 4 and still not potty trained because his parents don't want to force him and won't devote some time to helping him, etc. I have so many things I want to say, but I hold my tongue because SIL thinks I'm a "perfect" mom already and gets annoyed.

hmp1 · August 2013

How would I handle if my 6yo had a paci still? I would tell them they are too old and throw them away.

How did I do it for James? I weaned him when he moved to the toddler room at daycare (12mo) so he could only have his paci in his crib at home and stopped bringing one to daycare. Then when we were ready to get rid of it for sleeping at night, I cut the tip and told him it was broken. He didn't want the broken paci and was too young to understand that I could just buy a new one. It was an easy transition and I will do the same with Leo.

Do your nieces bring a paci to your house? I would start taking them and hiding them/tossing them and tell them no paci for big girls in your house. At least make them follow your rules in your house. We talk to James a lot about different houses having different rules.

BPer · August 2013

@bonjourbelle05 The girls weren't potty trained until 4 1/2. Their method? Picking a weekend and saying 'goodbye' to their diapers. They had enough understanding of when they needed to go, and what they needed to do, that they were just instantly potty trained. Though, I saw a box of overnight diapers there last week, so who knows.

BPer · August 2013

@hmp1 They do bring pacis here, and I'm pretty sure they've taken Hannah's on more than one occasion. (Yep, they also use avent soothies). I'm pretty sure that they have a stash somewhere...probably where the tooth is also.

melody921 · August 2013

Sounds like it's time for the pacifier fairy. Put them out at night and get something age appropriate in return.

How is their speech? I'm always hearing that having a pacifier that long is bad for dental health and speech development.

Holly_1007 · August 2013

BPer said:

@bonjourbelle05 The girls weren't potty trained until 4 1/2. Their method? Picking a weekend and saying 'goodbye' to their diapers. They had enough understanding of when they needed to go, and what they needed to do, that they were just instantly potty trained. Though, I saw a box of overnight diapers there last week, so who knows.

Overnight PT is completely different than regular PT. I wouldn't judge for a box of overnights.

Seems like you have said what you can to her about it, I would just tell the girls that Paci's are for babies at your house and they aren't allowed to have them there.

danabsd · August 2013

Holly_1007 said:

BPer said:

@bonjourbelle05 The girls weren't potty trained until 4 1/2. Their method? Picking a weekend and saying 'goodbye' to their diapers. They had enough understanding of when they needed to go, and what they needed to do, that they were just instantly potty trained. Though, I saw a box of overnight diapers there last week, so who knows.

Overnight PT is completely different than regular PT. I wouldn't judge for a box of overnights.
Seems like you have said what you can to her about it, I would just tell the girls that Paci's are for babies at your house and they aren't allowed to have them there.

On a 6 year old?

MarisaKathleen · August 2013

Maybe I'm just stupid because my kid is only 1, but WTF? I can't reason with my child now because she doesn't get it. 6yo "get it."

Also, I think anyone who does the "choose your own adventure" type of parenting is a fucking idiot. Be the parent. Kids need guidelines and structure and need choices about things like what to have for dinner, not when to use the bathroom or give up a paci.

Good luck! It's wonderful that your SIL provided you with a roadmap of what not to do with H!

mrsbhk22 · August 2013

danabsd said:

Holly_1007 said:

BPer said:

@bonjourbelle05 The girls weren't potty trained until 4 1/2. Their method? Picking a weekend and saying 'goodbye' to their diapers. They had enough understanding of when they needed to go, and what they needed to do, that they were just instantly potty trained. Though, I saw a box of overnight diapers there last week, so who knows.

Overnight PT is completely different than regular PT. I wouldn't judge for a box of overnights.
Seems like you have said what you can to her about it, I would just tell the girls that Paci's are for babies at your house and they aren't allowed to have them there.

On a 6 year old?

Yep. Our pedi said overnight PT is more physical development than cognitive. Your body has to physically signal to wake you up. If you have a naturally deep sleeper, it can be hard.

DS1 was PT at 3, but not overnight until 5. I was nervous. Pedi wasn't.

DS2 was PT completely at 2.

danabsd · August 2013

mrsbhk22 said:

Holly_1007 said:

BPer said:

@bonjourbelle05 The girls weren't potty trained until 4 1/2. Their method? Picking a weekend and saying 'goodbye' to their diapers. They had enough understanding of when they needed to go, and what they needed to do, that they were just instantly potty trained. Though, I saw a box of overnight diapers there last week, so who knows.

Overnight PT is completely different than regular PT. I wouldn't judge for a box of overnights.
Seems like you have said what you can to her about it, I would just tell the girls that Paci's are for babies at your house and they aren't allowed to have them there.

On a 6 year old?
Yep. Our pedi said overnight PT is more physical development than cognitive. Your body has to physically signal to wake you up. If you have a naturally deep sleeper, it can be hard. DS1 was PT at 3, but not overnight until 5. I was nervous. Pedi wasn't. DS2 was PT completely at 2.

Interesting. Clearly, PTing is going to be an eye opener for me.

linzeek44 · August 2013

I had a child starting my preschool class whose parents wanted me to give him a bottle and rock him before nap. He was three. I said that would be logistically impossible and what do you know, he napped without it.

Not six with a paci but you know

jberry714 · August 2013

mrsbhk22 said:
@jberry714 what finally worked? My SIL has tried the nail polish, tape, even a medical hand brace but my niece and nephew (7&6) won't stop when they are sleeping.

@mrsbhk22 A combination of the nail polish and threatening to tell all his friends worked. He yelled and cried. I felt like a terrible mother. But it worked and he won't need head gear or worse later in life now. Phew!

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