DH lost his job

lily_721 · August 2013

DH lost his job a few weeks ago. Its been disheartening but he is doing OK. I'm working on getting him into SAHD-mode instead of "novelty" dad mode. All of that for another post.

He worked for a small company who gave him a crap severance. Long story short. I emailed the company owner and asked for the medical insurance to be extended. He agreed.

I didn't say anything to DH. I handle all of the medical bills, taking the kids to the doctors, etc. He really wouldn't have known either way.

Anyway, DH was adding an email account to my phone and saw the emails from his old boss to me. Now he's mad that I went behind his back. I don't feel that I did anything wrong. I needed the insurance coverage continued as we had already hit our deductible and our DD has some really big upcoming medical expenses. The cost on my plan was going to be a big financial hit.

I guess I should/could have told DH but he was hurting and I didn't want him to hurt anymore. He already felt like he couldn't provide for us especially when it pushed me back to work sooner than I had planned. Was I wrong?

PunkyBooster · August 2013

I think you should have discussed it. However I can 100% see why you just did it and took care of it. He can be upset you went behind his back to someone he probably feels a little bitter toward right now but I'm sure deep down he will realize you were doing what needed to be done for your family.

blushingbride_08 · August 2013

I would have told him exactly what you just explained. Some men lose their sense of worth when they become unemployed. It makes some feel like they cannot provide for their family and it probably made him feel even worse when you are stepping in and handling things that he probably could do. I personally would have suggested to my DH that he handle contacting his boss for an extension in insurance but I would not have contacted his boss without him knowing.

JamieSF · August 2013

Yes. You made him look incredibly unprofessional. And by not telling your husband, you lied. You owe your husband a big apology, and you need to show him that you trust him to take care of things and make decisions.

nosoup4u · August 2013

would he have done it if you asked him to?

It's not cool to not tell him. Tell him what you wrote in your OP, the first sentence of your last paragraph. It wasn't coming from a place of malevolence.

olga1311 · August 2013

yes you were absolutely wrong. You basically treated him like a little kid that doesn't even need to be involved in any decisions / discussions regarding his own family. Its HIS employer not yours and the request should have come from him not you. And it also made him look incredibly unprofessional and that his own spouse does not trust him to get things done. Getting laid off takes away from a guy's masculinity as it is in their eyes. You going behind his back and arranging things with HIS former employer only made him feel worse.

Reilly626 · August 2013

Def wrong!

LoCarb · August 2013

I agree with others you were wrong and should have discussed it with your H. What's done is done. Work on your relationship and he deserves an apology. We all learn from our mistakes,right?

Sunidaze · August 2013

Estwd2 said:

I'm sorry, but I'd be pissed if my DH contacted my former employer without me knowing. It would feel like he's treating me like a little kid and he's my Dad trying to helicopter parent and fix things for me. I understand why you needed the insurance extended, but it should be your DH making the request. Come to think of it, I'm fairly certain my employer and DH's wouldn't even entertain a request like that coming from a spouse. They'd probably need to hear from the former employee directly. Maybe that's why it seems so odd to me. I'd personally be doing some serious apologizing.

Totally agree with this. I mean, we do have current employees who turn over all benefit decisions to their spouses, but that's a different story. You went behind your DH's back to his (former) boss and that is rather unprofessional.

sugarbear0524 · August 2013

My DH was out of a job from late May until the first week of August. It's so hard on men for all the reasons listed above. It's hard on wives, too. I felt like I was walking on eggshells at first, trying to be positive and supportive but in a constant state of worry.

You do owe your DH an apology and he has every right to be mad. Try to see it as a lesson learned. Tell your DH that you are in his corner, and stand behind him. Just support and love him. Don't try to fix everything.

SparkySharky · August 2013

I would say you committed a level 2 or 3 infraction, but your H is going to feel like it's a level 7 or 8 b/c of the attendant stressful circumstances. So just know in your head it's a 2 or 3 (to maintain your own sanity and strength for him), but treat it like it's a 7 or 8 because his feelings should be top priority.

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