What would you do?

MtB2013 · August 2013

I had enough. I am too "nice" most people refer to me "optimistic""sweet" etc. but motherhood turned me into a big B!TCH.

The father of my son is stressing me out. He is seriously on something to want us to be his secret family. There's no way. I have self respect and my LO deserves to be announced to the world of his existence.

My friend is telling me that I shouldn't allow him to treat us like a secret that I should tell his mom... But I think I shouldn't. I filed for child support, but he insists to come over daily but leaving on time to his gf and family. Idk what to do

starshower22 · August 2013

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. For what it's worth, I would push as hard as hell until I got child support and if that included telling his mother or other girl or whoever then I would. It's very sad that this dude doesn't want to man up but sounds like you & LO are better off. But you should definitely have help from him, even if it's only financially.

sfeebs13 · August 2013

I'm with Katie. I'd share his little secret after you and LO are taken care of. He can't want to keep you and expect things to go smoothly for anyone. That's not fair for your child or you.

hnic14 · August 2013

Once the legal items are taken care I I would reach out to his family directly. Not necessarily to out him but more to make sure that you LO has an opportunity to know his grandparents ect...although outing him as a jerk to his family is just an added bonus

CelticWife · August 2013

I am sorry you have to go through this. I don't have any personal experience with something like this, so my advice is just my suggestion.

I would sit him down and have a very serous talk. He can't have both; it isn't fair to his son to hide him away and come play with him in secret. His family needs to know. His GF needs to know. The longer he waits, the worse their reactions are going to be.

If he refuses, then I would think about what you really want. Do you want this man in your life? If not, I would contact a lawyer and see what you would need to do to have his rights terminated.

Or, if you want him in your son's life, I would get the child support finalized as quickly as you can, then contact his mother.

He does not get to have a secret family. Your poor son deserves better then that. And so do you.

Does he actually think that this will work long term?!? That is what I don't get.

MtB2013 · August 2013

I was thinking wait for child support too, but I'm going crazy I want his secret to come out I know this is bitchy of me I did think of telling his mom something like this "hi your son has a one month old with me. I think you deserve to know. Do to him knowing for 10 months now and not doing anything about it decided to file for CS...."

girlmama83 · August 2013

slusk13 said:
I'm with Katie. I'd share his little secret after you and LO are taken care of. He can't want to keep you and expect things to go smoothly for anyone. That's not fair for your child or you.

This. It's going to get nasty if you do anything before child support is settled.

MtB2013 · August 2013

CelticWife said:
I am sorry you have to go through this. I don't have any personal experience with something like this, so my advice is just my suggestion.

I would sit him down and have a very serous talk. He can't have both; it isn't fair to his son to hide him away and come play with him in secret. His family needs to know. His GF needs to know. The longer he waits, the worse their reactions are going to be.

If he refuses, then I would think about what you really want. Do you want this man in your life? If not, I would contact a lawyer and see what you would need to do to have his rights terminated.

Or, if you want him in your son's life, I would get the child support finalized as quickly as you can, then contact his mother.

He does not get to have a secret family. Your poor son deserves better then that. And so do you.

Does he actually think that this will work long term?!? That is what I don't get.

I've had that talk with him I did mention everything you said. He thinks 18 years go by fast. I've stopped talking to him but I don't want him to come back in the future saying that I stopped when he tried to make it work... I'm thinking he can use that against me in court

MtB2013 · August 2013

hstautz said:
Why is he wanting to keep it a secret?

He doesn't want his gf to leave him. They are in the process of moving in to start a family this year

RK125 · August 2013

I agree with everyone. Get your child support settled first. You don't need that getting messy. Then after, I would blow the doors wide open. His current GF should know what a scoundrel he is before they start a family.

JBear02 · August 2013

msspeedymarie said:

MtB2013 said:

I am sorry you have to go through this. I don't have any personal experience with something like this, so my advice is just my suggestion. I would sit him down and have a very serous talk. He can't have both; it isn't fair to his son to hide him away and come play with him in secret. His family needs to know. His GF needs to know. The longer he waits, the worse their reactions are going to be. If he refuses, then I would think about what you really want. Do you want this man in your life? If not, I would contact a lawyer and see what you would need to do to have his rights terminated. Or, if you want him in your son's life, I would get the child support finalized as quickly as you can, then contact his mother. He does not get to have a secret family. Your poor son deserves better then that. And so do you. Does he actually think that this will work long term?!? That is what I don't get.
I've had that talk with him I did mention everything you said. He thinks 18 years go by fast. I've stopped talking to him but I don't want him to come back in the future saying that I stopped when he tried to make it work... I'm thinking he can use that against me in court

If you have evidence that he is in a relationship with another woman, long term, then I don't think he can come back in court and say he tried to "make it work" with you. Judges aren't stupid. I understand the desire to blow it all open, but I agree with PPs that it'll be way less messy to get the child support taken care of first. Start documenting stuff that happens with him. Make notes after you have conversations, so you remember what was said when. Do you have a mutual friend that can testify to his relationship with the gf and as to how he's seen out with her but not you? Start getting your defensive eggs gathered up and prepared. Good luck to you and your LO. You both deserve way better than this jerk.

This. Document everything that happens. That way, when you go to file, you have lots of evidence against him that can be used to get CS. Courts need paperwork, make sure you can provide that- it'll be a lot easier for you and harder for him to get out of.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It isn't fair to you or to your LO, and I can't believe he is trying to hide you away for 18 years.

MrsI · August 2013

I think it depends on hat you want the outcome o be. The gf might push him to have a relationship with us child nd the court could rule for joint custody if he asks for it. If you're ok with that, tell at any time. Also some states allow grandparents visiting rights and forced days. If you'd rather just be the two of you with financial support then let him keep his secret but I wouldn't "ply family" with him. I'd cut him out. I do believe every child needs to know both sides of their family but I'd ave a really hard time with joint custody of a newborn and would probably wait to out him.

kbeeb · August 2013

This guy sounds like a real tool...so sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with the other ladies. Document absolutely everything, try not to spill the beans until after cs is set up, and then give himanultimatum. If he wants to be a part of his sons life it happens publicly, if not he signs legal papers giving you full rights...though i would think very carefully if this is the type of man you want in your sons' life as a roll model...I also agree that the GF should know, it just doesn't seem fair to let her start a family with a guy who is this much of a sleaze, at least not without having the knowleldge ahead of time...

CaliforniaDream87 · August 2013

Sorry you're still dealing with this drama. However, as we have discussed with you before you need to figure out what you feel is best for your baby. I, personally, would never contact his family to "blow the secret". If he wants to keep my baby a secret...then fine. I would raise my child, with child support alone, and believe me he will one day regret this.

I don't know. I just don't see the point in telling his family if he hasn't. He has shown you how much he cares about his child so now the ball is truly in your court. You need to make the best decision for your son.

MtB2013 · August 2013

CaliforniaDream87 said:
Sorry you're still dealing with this drama. However, as we have discussed with you before you need to figure out what you feel is best for your baby. I, personally, would never contact his family to "blow the secret". If he wants to keep my baby a secret...then fine. I would raise my child, with child support alone, and believe me he will one day regret this.

I don't know. I just don't see the point in telling his family if he hasn't. He has shown you how much he cares about his child so now the ball is truly in your court. You need to make the best decision for your son.

You see what I mean I been complaining about this for months now. But you said the same words I did in the shower. Secret fine... I'll do it myself. One day he will regret it it is bitchy to say but I won't forgive him

zora51 · August 2013

I agree about documenting. And about getting Child Support taken care of first. Has he mentioned anything about custody/visiation at all? As far as what he wants? I don't like PP saying to terminate his rights. And honestly, in a lot of states, this is not actually that easy to do unless he has truly abandoned his child. (Our family deals with this first-hand with a birth-mother who is a constant drug addict and incarcerated, but we have yet to be able to terminate her rights!) Besides that if he WANTS a relationship with his son, I don't believe this is the right thing to do. His current gf has absolutely nothing to do with CS, custody, or visitation rights.

However, be aware that getting CS from him (which you should!!!!), might start the process for legal custody/visitation and you may have to share your baby at that time. I would honestly research (they're usually online) all of the family court laws in your state so you are familiar with them. Regardless of getting a lawyer, it's something you'll have to deal with, so the more you know, the better. As far as his family, I agree with PP, get the $$ part squared away, then let the grandmother know. She may want a relationship with her grandson and if she's a decent person, by all means, give her a chance to have it.

Good luck!!!

Want a personalized experience?

What would you do?

Re: What would you do?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards