More WM based on location?

Drea926 · August 2013

The post below about being shutout by SAHM friends got me thinking...do you think there are more WM versus SAHM based on where you live? My DH and I were also talking about this yesterday. We live in MA and most people that I know can't afford to have the mom SAH since the cost of living is so high. I was fortunate to be able to take a 7 month maternity leave (including summer months) from my teaching job, but that's because we saved to make up for the time I wouldn't be paid. I'm new to the mom game so maybe I just don't know enough moms! :P But I was curious though - in your experience do you know more WM or SAHM?

Drea926 · August 2013

mainerocks said:

I don't think cost of living is the only factor. I live in MA but I'm from ME. I think the fact that MA is a liberal/progressive state is also a factor. Fewer men here who think the woman's place is in the home, so to speak. I think in MA you are more likely to find educated women who want a career.

That's just my opinion, based on two states. Not that there aren't women of all kinds who live in both places. It would be interesting to see stats on it.

That's an excellent point! I definitely think that would be a contributing factor.

shakinros · August 2013

I think it's also lens. My first thought was more WM here (liberal Northern California) but then I realized I don't have any occasion to cross paths with SAHMs. So I really don't know how many are out there.

amberhoothoot · August 2013

I only know 2 SAHMs vs a hundred working moms in Ohio. It's a big part economy, as it would be hard to afford an entire family on one salary here, but it could certainly be done. Ohio, particularly Columbus, is a huge test market for products and advertising because we are soooo average in so many ways. I think people here can't give up their Starbucks like me...lol. And its just become a lot about materialism.

Ironically, my husband was recently laid off and is now a SAHD. He received a good severance and we had savings so money is fine. I've actually been doing much better this year than last pay wise. For sure he wants to go back to work but positions that pay as much as he was making, are harder to find, and it makes no sense for him to run and work at Home Depot when his salary would just be replacing child care. Plus it's great that one of us can be with our little guy.

Yes I actually know 3 other dads who stayed home a short period of time being SAHDs. In this area, most jobs are customer service based and there is very little warehousing/ traditional male type jobs. So you'll prolly see more SAHDs than the average.

shannm · August 2013

I think while there is a mix in my neighborhood, I am exposed mostly to working moms because of where I actually meet people, like work. I do meet some sahm through DS's school but most work (probably to pay the tuition).

Dacey · August 2013

I think the huge number of military bases in our area contributes to a higher percentage of SAHMs. Most I know either have no financial need nor desire to work, or they have had difficulty keeping a career going with frequent moves.

Nechie122 · August 2013

The statistics that I've seen suggest it's women who are the extreme ends of the socioeconomic spectrum who are most likely to stay home. Lower income women tend to drop out of the workforce because they don't earn enough to cover childcare. Many high income women also have high earning husbands, and those jobs often require long hours and frequent travel; when something has to give, it's usually the wife who scales down professionally.

In my circle, the only friend I have who opted out completely did so because childcare in NYC ate up her whole salary. What's MOST common in my group are the moms with high-earning husbands who cut down to part-time or freelance. These women tend to have professional degrees themselves, and (I assume) plan to go back to FT at some point, or at least want the option.

PunkyBooster · August 2013

It's pretty 50-50 for me. Both in Boston (where we were) and in charleston (where we are now).

groovygrl · August 2013

I have had kids in 2 different mid sized, MCOL cities and I can really only base it upon my neighborhoods...in my last neighborhood it was probably 50/50 in my circle (though many of the WM were p/t) but in the current neighborhood (slightly more affluent neighborhood than the last) I am definitely in the minority, I would say of maybe 14-15 families I can think of, about 5 of the women work, though in a group of women that I see about once a month outside of my neighborhood (thru a mutual friend) almost everyone works... I agree that COL plays in, culture of the area and where people fall on the SES scale.
I feel much more 'out of place' in the current neighborhood and like I don't have anything in common with many of the women when I do things within the neighborhood but I think some of htat is just the different personalities.

iverske9 · August 2013

It is fifty fifty here.

costa2011 · August 2013

Drea926 said:

The post below about being shutout by SAHM friends got me thinking...do you think there are more WM versus SAHM based on where you live? My DH and I were also talking about this yesterday. We live in MA and most people that I know can't afford to have the mom SAH since the cost of living is so high. I was fortunate to be able to take a 7 month maternity leave (including summer months) from my teaching job, but that's because we saved to make up for the time I wouldn't be paid. I'm new to the mom game so maybe I just don't know enough moms! :P But I was curious though - in your experience do you know more WM or SAHM?

We also live in MA and I know of way more WMS than SAHMs. The ration is like 5:1 I would say. I think it is definitely an indication of the cost of living here.

mae0111 · August 2013

I'm the OP in the post referenced below, and I'm in MA, too. All of my HS friends went to good colleges (a few ivy, others went to solid liberal arts colleges in the region), but they never really had careers. Some became SAHMs soon out of colleges, and others bummed around doing various part time jobs until such time that they could stay at home. I'm the only one of my HS friends, male or female, for that matter, with a career. My other professional friends don't have kids. I'm aware that my circle is not the norm around here.

Drea926 · August 2013

This is so interesting! I'm sure there's a whole bunch of contributing factors but was really curious if I was one of the few people that know only a couple of SAHM.

On a completely unrelated note - I'm new to the board but I really enjoy you ladies. Think I'll have to frequent here more often. :-)

LoCarb · August 2013

In my neighborhood there are a lot of SAHM's. In my immediate social circle, most are WM's.

emberlee3 · August 2013

Since many of my friends are from work or medical school, I know a lot more WMs than SAHMs. Also most if my high school and college friends with kids have careers, lots of teachers and nurses among those I keep in touch with. But there are many SAHMs in my area.

kristennd · August 2013

Nechie122 said:

The statistics that I've seen suggest it's women who are the extreme ends of the socioeconomic spectrum who are most likely to stay home. Lower income women tend to drop out of the workforce because they don't earn enough to cover childcare. Many high income women also have high earning husbands, and those jobs often require long hours and frequent travel; when something has to give, it's usually the wife who scales down professionally.

This makes the most sense for what I see here. I'm in a medium (80,000) town in a very conservative area, but most women work. It's also a very middle class area with few deviations at either end.

There is a baby boom going on both in this town and in my own workplace right now and the only time women don't come back (whether managers or clerical staff) is when they can't find childcare. The state is actually now giving out grants for people to open daycare centers because there is such a shortage and so many parents who'd rather keep working.

thedash · August 2013

I live outside of DC and most people I know here have advanced degrees and the student loan debt to go along with it. I hardly know any SAHM's. I know a few who stepped back from full-time jobs but kept consulting or working part-time in their field.

I grew up in a rustbelt city. Several of the women in that area who I have stayed in touch with via Facebook or whatever are SAHM's.

82Sonia · August 2013

I live in a liberal, high cost of living area and I have several SAHM friends. They were all teachers. They all plan on returning to work once their kids are in school but their salaries were so low to start with, it made no sense to work and try to pay for childcare. Luckily for them, their husbands all have decently well paying jobs.

*sparky* · August 2013

We are in a mixed situation...

DS is at a private Catholic school and the norm there is multiple-child families (3+) with a SAHM.

Our neighborhood, though, has a fair number of families where both parents work, and the parents of most of DS's soccer friends are two-income families.

rubber_chicken · August 2013

I'm in the same area. 90% of the moms I personally know are working moms (or student moms). However, go to starbucks on a weekday and you'll see plenty of moms with strollers - there's no shortage of SAHMs in these suburbs.

vlong4 · August 2013

We live in NYC. At play groups, classes, parks it's 25% SAHM and 75% nannys/care givers. This is my experience from just having been a SAHM. Sometimes I would go to a park and I was the only SAHM. But then in NYC there is a percentage of families where there mum is home and they have a nanny.

SoMoNY · August 2013

I only know one SAHM. She stayed home after having twins, as first DC turned 2.

She desperately wants to go back to work but because of time off and husband being promoted (they work in same gov space) nobody will hire her because of fears of conflict of interest.

If I had to guess I would say 75-80% of the moms in my town work. That is based on days I've taken off and taken DS to Pump It Up or the park.

shakinros · August 2013

PrivacyWanted said:

shakinros said:
I think it's also lens. My first thought was more WM here (liberal Northern California) but then I realized I don't have any occasion to cross paths with SAHMs. So I really don't know how many are out there.
I'm also in Northern California. A lot of our friends are dual-attorney households with dual law school debt. So all the women are WM as a result. But most of DH's coworkers have sahm wives and I feel like an outsider at firm events.

Yep makes perfect sense that the job field is a huge factor too. All of the WMs I know are in arts nonprofits (my field) with partners in high tech (my H's field). As a pair, I think the fields go well together for working parents. Both have flexibility and the capability to work from home (depending on the company), both have crunch times.

PunkyBooster · August 2013

vlong4 said:
We live in NYC. At play groups, classes, parks it's 25% SAHM and 75% nannys/care givers. This is my experience from just having been a SAHM. Sometimes I would go to a park and I was the only SAHM. But then in NYC there is a percentage of families where there mum is home and they have a nanny.

I noticed this while visiting last week. In fact at one of the parks a girl came up to me and asked "what do they pay you for one?" She thought I was ds nanny.

skibunny59 · August 2013

Most of our friends who have kids are working moms. Most of the people I know work. I only know one SAHM and that's my cousin. At the school that I teach at (it's about 2 towns over and a 30 minute drive from our house) there are a lot of SAHM.

sadie+w · August 2013

I am in a conservative area and have mostly conservative friends. I am the only WM in my circle. I very often hear comments from friends that they can't imagine having daycare raise their kids, it's a cop out for women to choose their career over their families, they are so glad they sacrificed their career for their kids because they can tell such a difference, kids being in daycare is why our country has so many problems, etc etc etc. Ironically enough, while they're all college educated, not one of them ever had a career. I try to be confident in my choice to maintain my kick a** career, but I have to admit I often feel very insecure about it.

skibunny59 · August 2013

sadie+w said:

I am in a conservative area and have mostly conservative friends. I am the only WM in my circle. I very often hear comments from friends that they can't imagine having daycare raise their kids, it's a cop out for women to choose their career over their families, they are so glad they sacrificed their career for their kids because they can tell such a difference, kids being in daycare is why our country has so many problems, etc etc etc. Ironically enough, while they're all college educated, not one of them ever had a career. I try to be confident in my choice to maintain my kick a** career, but I have to admit I often feel very insecure about it.

These comments would piss me off. These people don't sound like very good friends.

costa2011 · August 2013

sadie+w said:

I am in a conservative area and have mostly conservative friends. I am the only WM in my circle. I very often hear comments from friends that they can't imagine having daycare raise their kids, it's a cop out for women to choose their career over their families, they are so glad they sacrificed their career for their kids because they can tell such a difference, kids being in daycare is why our country has so many problems, etc etc etc. Ironically enough, while they're all college educated, not one of them ever had a career. I try to be confident in my choice to maintain my kick a** career, but I have to admit I often feel very insecure about it.

I'm shocked that your friends have comments like that in front of you. I would be pretty upset by that. There's nothing wrong with kids who go to daycare or have nannies...they know who their moms are, it's not a replacement. My daughter is only 3 months and literally squeals with delight when I get home. I believe kids who spend time with people and children other than their parents and siblings are well adjusted and adaptable. I also believe they grow up to be more independent (my mom always worked full time and I turned out just fine!)

82Sonia · August 2013

sadie+w said:

I am in a conservative area and have mostly conservative friends. I am the only WM in my circle. I very often hear comments from friends that they can't imagine having daycare raise their kids, it's a cop out for women to choose their career over their families, they are so glad they sacrificed their career for their kids because they can tell such a difference, kids being in daycare is why our country has so many problems, etc etc etc. Ironically enough, while they're all college educated, not one of them ever had a career. I try to be confident in my choice to maintain my kick a** career, but I have to admit I often feel very insecure about it.

These sound like women who are insecure with their choice to stay at home and are trying to continually justify that choice to themselves.

9fraulein · August 2013

I live in VHCOL area, and I think there are more WMs than SAHMs. For example, I joined a mom's support group and out of 8 women, only 2 left their jobs to SAH. At my workplace, only 1 out of several women (20-30?) has left the job to SAH.

sadie+w · August 2013

82Sonia said:

sadie+w said:

I am in a conservative area and have mostly conservative friends. I am the only WM in my circle. I very often hear comments from friends that they can't imagine having daycare raise their kids, it's a cop out for women to choose their career over their families, they are so glad they sacrificed their career for their kids because they can tell such a difference, kids being in daycare is why our country has so many problems, etc etc etc. Ironically enough, while they're all college educated, not one of them ever had a career. I try to be confident in my choice to maintain my kick a** career, but I have to admit I often feel very insecure about it.

These sound like women who are insecure with their choice to stay at home and are trying to continually justify that choice to themselves.

This is why I try to just blow their comments off! But I'm glad to see you all think their comments are absurd.

Nechie122 · August 2013

amy052006 said:

... get back to me when you have a two year old hanging on your leg when you try to leave.

That's a pretty mean thing to say to a new working mom. Separation anxiety is a normal developmental phase; it's not something that working moms "cause" in their children by dropping them off each day.

Also, as you know, plenty of SAHMs start preschool around age 2, and they experience the same hesitation at drop-off. Again, normal.

I drop my kid off in a 2 year old class everyday and I read your comment and thought, WTF is she talking about? You really thinking it's a bunch of screaming, clinging, traumatized kids calling out to their indifferent parents who sit them down on the mat and run off to work?

Maybe her comment was off-base, because there are lots of ways to instill independence, but to suggest she's hurting her kid in some way is pretty terrible on your part.

laurakaz13 · September 2013

I'm from the Northeast and all my friends from home have careers and kids. It's not cost of living, it's just lifestyle and desire to utilize the advanced educations they have. I feel the same way.

Now I live in NC and work in healthcare. I know more SAHMs here, but can't really relate to any of them. I see a few of them on weekends, but that is all.

leah2b · September 2013

We live in NYC area as well. Super high cost of living area. So you have to be extremely well off (we are talking well over $350,000 a year) in order to stay home. Otherwise, you simply can't pay the bills. So its either poor people or very wealthy people staying home, in my experience. My husband and I are both lawyers who make good salaries, but we still can't afford to have one of us stay home. I wish I could!

I do meet many stay at home moms though, as there are a lot of wealthy people in this area. Boy, am I jealous of those moms.

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"No one will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside." -Unknown

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