What do you do when Your BF/SO's family doesn't like you?

SPNfangurl · August 2013

I don't know what to do my BF's family hates for no reason other than his mother thinks I am only using him for money and using our baby to trap him in a relationship. I'm not doing any of that! When I had first told my BF I was pregnant I told him he didn't have to be apart of our baby's life if he didn't want to and he had a week to decide if he wanted to or not and a week later he chose to stay and had been really into it which his family hates. His mother constantly puts me down and says I'll be a horrid mother and my BF, who loves his mother deeply, says nothing only muttering about something that has nothing to do with anything. We sent our first ultrasound picture to his mom, aunts, sister, and maternal grandmother via E-Mail and his sister replied that our baby was an abomination and a mistake and still my BF doesn't say anything instead he just says she is stressed from school and doesn't mean it. I kindly told him that if his sister has something to say she should say it to my face because no one insults my baby. I am so tired of his family causing drama and to make it all worse my BF won't be there for the birth of our baby because his mother is making him help her move to a different state and he didn't say no. I don't know what to do anymore and yeah my family wasn't happy with us but they sat and talked with us unlike his family. Actually one member of his family likes me and that's his dad who is so excited to be a grandpa so one thing is good in this situation. His mom and dad divorced when my BF was ten. I just don't know what to do anymore. If any of you have any advice I am all ears and am desperate.

Soap1 · August 2013

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but how old are y'all? It sounds like maybe you're both really young and they're unsupportive for that reason. Is there any more to the story than what you're telling? It seems a bit odd to tell your boyfriend he doesn't have to be a part of the baby's life - was the relationship not very serious?

Regardless, you are having his baby, and if he is in any way serious about being a part of the baby's life, he won't move to a different state because his mother told him to. That's ridiculous (and would make a lot more sense if he were extremely young). But assuming he is an adult, he needs to say no to his mother, get a job, and get serious. EDIT - I think I may have read it wrong the first time - he's only helping her move? And missing the birth because of this? He needs to grow some cojones and be an adult about this. He should NOT be missing the birth of his child to help her move. That's absurd.

Have you considered counseling with your boyfriend? The only way to make it work is if you two present a united front. It doesn't matter whether you get along with his family (I don't get along with some of my ILs, to the point that we don't even see them). The only thing that matters is your relationship with him and with your baby.

SPNfangurl · August 2013

We are both adults and have jobs here and he isn't moving just his mom (Thankfully). We might be starting counseling because we both need help. He texted me after I wrote this and said he told his mom he wasn't going to help her move because he wasn't missing the birth of his first child. I offered him to not be part of our baby's life because I didn't want him to hate our child for being the reason he stayed like his sister's dad did. Our relationship was serious for almost two years when I got pregnant, free condoms from his friend not the best idea ever, but like I said he isn't moving and he is gonna be there for the birth, thank gosh. By the way love the Cojones comment!

HFrizzle · August 2013

Is he standing up for you at all?? It's nice that he decided a week later to stick around, but he should be sticking up for you to his family.

Soap1 · August 2013

SPNfangurl said:

We are both adults and have jobs here and he isn't moving just his mom (Thankfully). We might be starting counseling because we both need help. He texted me after I wrote this and said he told his mom he wasn't going to help her move because he wasn't missing the birth of his first child. I offered him to not be part of our baby's life because I didn't want him to hate our child for being the reason he stayed like his sister's dad did. Our relationship was serious for almost two years when I got pregnant, free condoms from his friend not the best idea ever, but like I said he isn't moving and he is gonna be there for the birth, thank gosh. By the way love the Cojones comment!

I think counseling is definitely in order. It sounds like the problem here isn't his family as much as it's your boyfriend. Dismissing his sister's comment that the baby is an abomination because "she's stressed"? That's ridiculous. Yes, it's awful that they're so rude and terrible, but as long as you and your boyfriend are on the same team it won't matter.

SPNfangurl · August 2013

He kind of stands up for me when it's anyone but his mother now that I snapped at him about his sister mostly he just mumbles at them to lay off. He also over thinks things so him taking a week was him mostly making a pro/con list and then not calling for the rest of the week because he was thinking about what to say

SPNfangurl · August 2013

Soap1 said:

SPNfangurl said:

We are both adults and have jobs here and he isn't moving just his mom (Thankfully). We might be starting counseling because we both need help. He texted me after I wrote this and said he told his mom he wasn't going to help her move because he wasn't missing the birth of his first child. I offered him to not be part of our baby's life because I didn't want him to hate our child for being the reason he stayed like his sister's dad did. Our relationship was serious for almost two years when I got pregnant, free condoms from his friend not the best idea ever, but like I said he isn't moving and he is gonna be there for the birth, thank gosh. By the way love the Cojones comment!

I think counseling is definitely in order. It sounds like the problem here isn't his family as much as it's your boyfriend. Dismissing his sister's comment that the baby is an abomination because "she's stressed"? That's ridiculous. Yes, it's awful that they're so rude and terrible, but as long as you and your boyfriend are on the same team it won't matter.

Yeah we are going to take counseling for sure now because we need a healthy living environment for our baby to grow up in

CooneyGirl · August 2013

To me this is not an inlaw issue at all it is a boyfriend issue.

You need to act as a team and he needs to stand up for YOU not just your baby. You need to be the number one woman in his life not his mom and not his sister.

Counselling is a great idea and I think it's awesome you are open to it. Remember you have a choice too - he took a week maybe you should take a week as well. Think about whether you are okay being the number two woman and havig a partner who doesn't have your back and if you can deal with a family in law who shuns and rejects you. Because and much as I hope he can see the error of his ways he might not and you need to know where you stand about it.

Good luck and hang in there.

Amymarie13 · August 2013

CooneyGirl is right - YOU need to take a week and think. FU'd inlaws can be a HUGE deal. I disagree with the poster who said it wasnt a big deal if he is on your side. No matter what, they will be a problem. It might be tempered if he starts to stick up for you, but unless he takes and US vs THEM attitude (which many men can't cause it's their GD mommy whaaaa) they could make your life MISERABLE. And why do you want that in your life for a man who can't stand up to his mom for you?!? Trust me, I know

SPNfangurl · August 2013

CooneyGirl and Amymarie13 I think your right and I should take a week to decide if he is the one for me I mean sure he's the dad and I do care about him and probably always will but if he can't stick up for me to his mom well there is a problem. I'm hoping counseling will help us but first I'm taking a week away from him and think about my options.

2010weddinggal · August 2013

OP, I think that as long as you two love each other then that is all that matters, it is not about them it's about you two. I just recently learned that while it is wonderful to have family support from both sides ultimately it is up to the two of you to have your own family. I'm sure his family will come around and if not then that is their loss....

Amymarie13 · August 2013

His family may NOT come around. And they may get worse. And her SO is not making it about the 2 of them, he' s allowing family's out of control behavior. Do you know HOW MUCH you will resent this down the road? OP deserves a partner who will support her and stand up for her. Love, schmove. Support, trust and respect

ktpaladino · August 2013

If his family is unsupportive of the baby and pregnancy, then I would leave them out of it. Period. Including them in news and updates only invites drama. Your BF not standing up for you is also a major issue. I have a husband that sometimes sides with his mommy over me, and trust me, that is a problem you want to nip in the bud ASAP. I hope that the counseling will be beneficial for you both. GL!

FemShep · August 2013

First of all, you don't get to choose whether or not you want your BF in your life any more. You two are going to have a child together, so if you intend to keep the baby, he has a legal right (and many would say a moral responsibility) to be in that child's life (and, by extension, yours as well, since you both need to be mature enough to put aside your selfish wants and be good parents together even if you choose not to live together or continue a romantic relationship). Unless he is abusive and you can prove to the courts he shouldn't be involved as the baby's father, which doesn't sound like the case here, you need to start recognizing that your BF has both rights and responsibilities in this situation. Second, people only have as much power over you as you allow them to have. If his family isn't supportive, stop talking to them, problem solved. If someone insults your child, cut them out. Stop trying to prove to them you're right, and just stop the contact. Counseling sounds like a great idea for you both, I hope it helps.

kaiteygrl · August 2013

I too think it sounds like we're missing a big part of this story. Like the first PPs said it sounded at first like teen pregnancy issues. If you were together for two years why would you give him an option to walk away once you got pregnant? And why does his family think you are after his money? It definitely sounds like you both need counseling. I wish you all the best in the future and I hope you stay strong for LO.

msronzio · August 2013

SPNfangurl said:

We are both adults and have jobs here and he isn't moving just his mom (Thankfully). We might be starting counseling because we both need help. He texted me after I wrote this and said he told his mom he wasn't going to help her move because he wasn't missing the birth of his first child. I offered him to not be part of our baby's life because I didn't want him to hate our child for being the reason he stayed like his sister's dad did. Our relationship was serious for almost two years when I got pregnant, free condoms from his friend not the best idea ever, but like I said he isn't moving and he is gonna be there for the birth, thank gosh. By the way love the Cojones comment!

Sounds like it might not be all that personal to you, just something that has already happened once and scarred the family. But I don't know

Good luck with everything. Kudos to you for being a responsible adult and loving and protecting your LO.

SPNfangurl · August 2013

The whole after his money thing is because he is older than me by a few years. I know he will always be apart of my life and the life of our child. I talked to him last night and we are going to be doing this counseling stuff because we need a healthy and safe environment for our baby. He is also going to go to individual counseling for his own issues which I hope will be beneficial to him. As for his mother I actually got a phone call from her last night, how she got my number I will never know, and I told her that she won't be apart of this child's life if she continues to act this way and she said that was fine with her but that she did want a picture after the baby is born of her son and the baby together. I told her I would talk about it with my BF. Thank you to everyone who has given advice on this matter.

ghostof5letters · August 2013

All she said was that they were "adults" which I think is indicative of young adults, very young adults.

PrimRoseMama · August 2013

Your SO should stand up for you. This is an SO problem. Stop including them in your life if they can't be a positive influence. You have enough coming down the pike. You need all the support you can get. Stop involving them. Let your SO deal with them. Remove yourself from that and don't read/respond.

Again, its your SO's choice to not be present during the labor and birth of his child. He is choosing his family over you. He's showing you what is important to him.

If you want to stick around then realize that this will be an on-going battle for you. If your SO continues to allow his mother to keep his balls under her kitchen cabinet in a jar then that is what you are signing up for. He needs to say something and if he won't say something then there it is.

Personally, I would be looking to single parent in that situation.

Disneygeek77 · August 2013

This is a boyfriend problem, not an IL ( or whatever you want to call it) problem. All this drama could have been nipped in the bud if he simply said " You are not allowed to talk to her or our baby like that." Therefore, you need to focus your time, energy and emotions on him, not them.

If it was me, this is what I would do. I would look him straight in the eye and say " Look buddy, someone in this situation is going to be upset. So you can either choose to upset me, the mother of your child and the one you ( I assume) sleep next to every night, or you can choose to upset your mommy. So who is it going to be, me or your mommy ?"

FWIW, if you are planning on getting married, that is exactly what he would be promising to do. When he says "" I vow to forsake all others and let no one come between", all others includes his mom and sister. You might have to come to the realization that he isn't boyfriend material. He can still be a good dad and I pray you can find an involved parenting schedule for the sake of your child, but there very well might not be a future here.

micaelasmakeup · August 2013

I'm seriously wondering the age of you 2. I understand ILs being upset for religious reasons or something but that doesn't seem like the case. Do they think you BF does everything wrong but taking out on you? Does your bf have a job and a house and ways to help provide for LO?
Not that I believe you should by any means , but would the ILs opinion change if you 2 got married?

TsengAkera · August 2013

It sounds like his mother has some serious issues that had rubbed off onto the daughter and her son. You BF seems incapable of standing up for not only himself but for you as well, he needs to grab himself by the balls and learn to stand up against his mother.

The counseling will help in discovering the demons and help him build self confidence.

As for yourself you are starting in the right direction by telling her off, but it shouldn't have been "let me talk to your son" about the picture but a big fat. "You want a picture of the two, but want nothing to do with the baby itself? You get Nothing!" She doesn't want to be a part of the babies life you give her nothing.. no pictures, no updates.. nothing.

Esthi · August 2013

I am 34 . Married for nearly 15 years .... And a veeery powerful parent in the background ! It's very hard if not impossible to stand up against them . We live very far from each other . And still we have problems at times . But I have learned , over the years to ignore a lot. Not to answer back is quite often the best thing to do . But luckily I have a really good DH and a strong marriage . That helps a lot. Wis

Esthi · August 2013

Esthi said:
I am 34 . Married for nearly 15 years .... And a veeery powerful parent in the background ! It's very hard if not impossible to stand up against them . We live very far from each other . And still we have problems at times . But I have learned , over the years to ignore a lot. Not to answer back is quite often the best thing to do . But luckily I have a really good DH and a strong marriage . That helps a lot. Wis

Esthi · August 2013

Just realised that the end of my post did not go through ! What I wanted to say is , that I wish you luck and I hope your BF will be able to support you properly !!

SPNfangurl · August 2013

UPDATE ON SITUATION!!!! Okay so BF's mom stopped by my house and we had a somewhat civilized conversation about our issues. So apparently my BF had a GF when he was 16 and she was cheating on him well she got pregnant and led him on for all nine months of this pregnancy because the real dad said he wanted nothing to do with baby and this girl was telling my BF they would be a family and he was gonna propose when she drops a bombshell on him after she goes into labor. She is giving the baby up for adoption and it was never his which made him mad and his whole family was crushed because she was pretty much family already. I told her that this was his baby and that I would never cheat on him and she just shook her head at me. She told me she might never like me and I told her that was fine but she needed to stop being a total B**** to me and about the baby. So after she left my BF came over like an hour later and I told him about our conversation and he said he had never wanted me to find out about this other girl. We talked and therapy is definite in our future and like I said before he is going to a single therapy session. So then the next day I was feeling awesome and called his sister and talked to her about how the comment she had made was rude and I also told her if she wanted to act like that then she didn't need to be involved. Thanks to you guys and your comments I feel so much better about all this drama and that hopefully when the baby is born they will change their opinions about the baby and really they can say what they want about me but say anything about my baby and the mama bear will come out. Thanks again this problem is slowly being solved thanks to all your comments.

MamaP19 · August 2013

Other posters said it best. This is a boyfriend issue.

As someone who has seen a counselor in the past, most are in agreement that your family is your deal and his family is his. If his mother and sister and whoever else are being disrespectful to you and your child, it is on him to fix that relationship and let them know that what they're doing is wrong. Likewise, if your parents were saying horrible things about him, it's not his job to stand up to them. It's your responsibility to let them know that how they're acting is not okay.

I hope getting some help settles any issues you two are having. It's so important that you two try to work things out as best as you can before the baby comes. After the baby is here it's likely that tensions will be high because you'll both be stressed out and sleep deprived. The last thing you need to deal with on top of that is family drama.

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