REALLY upset with DH about maternity leave

arizonatea · August 2013

I've mentioned a few times here and there how long I expect to be home after giving birth and the problems I anticipate as far as my fibromyalgia, nerve issues, and bipolar disorder goes.

Every time I bring it up he pretty much shrugs it off as if I won't need 6 weeks to rest AFTER GIVING BIRTH. And this evening he had the nerve to tell me that his coworker's wife had a c section and she's going back to work next week (it was 2 weeks ago). He also said its unreasonable to even expect 4 weeks of maternity leave and people "just don't do that".

Am I crazy? I'm a FTM so I don't truly know how I'll heal after and how much time I need, but I thought 6-8 weeks was normal. I just feel like I'll be getting no support from him and he knows how hard this has been for me so far.

End vent

shashonie · August 2013

Absolutely normal to wait 6-8 weeks, especially before putting baby into child care as most places won't take a younger child. And really, YOU JUST HAD A FREAKING BABY! Rest is great for you.

boogerbearoriginal · August 2013

Ummmm, wtf?! Sorry, but I want to smack your husband (and his coworker's wife for that matter) upside the head.

Your additional concerns aside, every woman needs 6-8wks for her body to fully heal from childbirth. At 2 wks post partum, your uterus isn't fully back to prepregnancy state. Nevermind the complications of healing from csection which is major abdominal surgery.

Honestly, I can't believe her work is allowing her to return at 2wks from surgery. She is really putting her health in serious jeopardy. No Dr would clear her to work at this point either. I am just SMH at this whole situation.

arizonatea · August 2013

car seat said:
We get a full year here. Your H needs to shut it.

Are you in Canada or somewhere outside the US! Because that is great and I wish I were wherever you are!

arizonatea · August 2013

21nycbride2012 said:
No you are definitely not crazy. Anything less than 2-3 months to recover, bond with your baby, and get your new life set up properly is inhumane IMHO. Can you have someone you trust talk some sense into your DH?

I think I'm going to print something to show him, and you're right none of the daycares around here will take a baby that young. It's so frustrating. He keeps saying "we're arguing about something that isn't even happening" and I just don't know how to get through to him.

arizonatea · August 2013

Booger+Bear said:
Ummmm, wtf?! Sorry, but I want to smack your husband (and his coworker's wife for that matter) upside the head.

Your additional concerns aside, every woman needs 6-8wks for her body to fully heal from childbirth. At 2 wks post partum, your uterus isn't fully back to prepregnancy state. Nevermind the complications of healing from csection which is major abdominal surgery.

Honestly, I can't believe her work is allowing her to return at 2wks from surgery. She is really putting her health in serious jeopardy. No Dr would clear her to work at this point either. I am just SMH at this whole situation.

That is EXACTLY what I said! What's even worse with this whole situation is DH is a friggin medical assistant AND he assists with c sections and other minor surgeries. He should know.

[Deleted User] · August 2013

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yhaener · August 2013

I am not going back until the end of May or beginning of June (about 14 - 16 weeks). With DS I went back after 12 weeks for about a week and then had two months off for summer break. I am obviously on your side and think your DH should "shut it" like car seat said. Not only does your body need to recover physically, but taking care of a newborn is very exhausting and can be emotionally draining as well. Do you think he is worried about money?

slwprincess · August 2013

6 weeks is the BARE minimum. My OB routinely writes for 8 weeks after a c/s. I went back after 8 with DS and it was hard as hell and he was even in daycare in my building so I could nurse instead of pump. 10 weeks after DD was better but I fully intend to take 12 weeks this time. Have your DH discuss this with your doctor and I guarantee he will have a new perspective. Oh and if you haven't already signed up for a childbirth class, sign up for one and make SURE they cover c/s and what to expect post partum. Hell, you better sign him up for Daddy Bootcamp too- he needs a reality check.

arizonatea · August 2013

yhaener said:
I am not going back until the end of May or beginning of June (about 14 - 16 weeks). With DS I went back after 12 weeks for about a week and then had two months off for summer break. I am obviously on your side and think your DH should "shut it" like car seat said. Not only does your body need to recover physically, but taking care of a newborn is very exhausting and can be emotionally draining as well. Do you think he is worried about money?

I know he's worried about money because he's working full time while in school and he'll be starting medical school next year. I had a minimum wage job but injured my back badly and couldn't work for a while and since haven't had any luck finding a desk job with my disability.

My thinking is, even if I find a job before February I won't qualify for FMLA so who knows what will happen them. This is so stressful for both of us but now I feel like I have some unrealistic expectations of his to meet.

Side note, DH has a large trust fund that I'm sure his parents would allow him to touch if we were desperate. So I'm not honestly that worried when he has a full time, well paying job.

yhaener · August 2013

I am sorry that he is making you feel this way. I really think it is unrealistic to head back to work after anything short of 8 weeks and like I said before I wouldn't even think about it before 12 weeks. I hope you guys can sit down and talk about it and maybe get to the bottom of why he is being so insensitive. Giving birth is hard work and taking care of a newborn is no cake walk either. Good luck with everything and hopefully he'll come to his senses. Either way you shouldn't feel guilty or like you need to meet his expectations because he really is being unrealistic and unfair.

RondackHiker · August 2013

Most OBs don't want you to return to work for 6-8 weeks after birth. Can you return before that? Yes. Is it a bad idea? Often.

Do you have a job right now? If not, and you're worried about not having FMLA and losing your job or needing to return early, I'd consider getting something temporary or lower level, so that leaving after birth (and looking for a new job after you've recovered) won't impact them poorly.

Could you perhaps find something for the fall/holiday sales season? Or work with a temp company?

arizonatea · August 2013

No I don't right now and so far I've been applying for secretary jobs and things like that. I'm an EMT but my OB told me I can't work right now so its been hard finding a desk job.

I've been planning on applying to some holiday jobs and things like that, it's just difficult because I can't stand on my feet for too long

I don't have any experience with a temp company but I'll research that tomorrow! Thank you for that suggestion.

RondackHiker · August 2013

arizonatea said:

No I don't right now and so far I've been applying for secretary jobs and things like that. I'm an EMT but my OB told me I can't work right now so its been hard finding a desk job. I've been planning on applying to some holiday jobs and things like that, it's just difficult because I can't stand on my feet for too long I don't have any experience with a temp company but I'll research that tomorrow! Thank you for that suggestion.

If you can't be on your feet for long term and have a doctor's note, they need to accommodate you. Could you use a stool? Perhaps working customer service (in a store or hotline)? Maybe you could put on a fake beard and play Santa. Lots of sitting there... and you'll have the belly then! ;-)

Edit: Apply for the job, then talk to them about your temporary limits and see if they can accommodate you AFTER you've been offered a job. Not before.

missperky · August 2013

Sounds like your DH just doesn't know any better. I'm guessing he's a FTD and needs to brush up on his read materials.

RondackHiker · August 2013

missperky said:

Sounds like your DH just doesn't know any better. I'm guessing he's a FTD and needs to brush up on his read materials.

Yeah, his co-worker's wife doing something unsafe isn't a reason to think you should.

You also need to talk to him, frankly, about comparing your pregnancy, childbirth, recovery, and parenting with other people.

You are not other people. Your baby is not other people. He is not other people. It is NOT OKAY to compare them and say, "well, Friend A had no issues breastfeeding" or "Friend B is exercising already".

That's rude and invalidates what you're doing and well, it's shitty to do a comparison that makes your spouse feel crappy.

Noethola · August 2013

Read this: https://www.thedailybeast.com/witw/articles/2013/08/15/america-s-postpartum-practices.html

It compares how basically rediculous the expectations are for American mothers to heal postpartum.

By the way, I had a vaginal birth, and my Dr didnt want me to even drive two weeks after delivery. I think it is totally crazy that people do not see what a strain it is on your body to actually have a baby, though its also totally normal. You lose tons of your stores of vitamins and minerals as well as other essential nutrients. That is part of the reasons new mothers need to recover.

mamacrunch · August 2013

Booger+Bear said:

Ummmm, wtf?! Sorry, but I want to smack your husband (and his coworker's wife for that matter) upside the head.

Your additional concerns aside, every woman needs 6-8wks for her body to fully heal from childbirth. At 2 wks post partum, your uterus isn't fully back to prepregnancy state. Nevermind the complications of healing from csection which is major abdominal surgery.

Honestly, I can't believe her work is allowing her to return at 2wks from surgery. She is really putting her health in serious jeopardy. No Dr would clear her to work at this point either. I am just SMH at this whole situation.

Actually this is not true. My doctor cleared me to return to work 2 weeks after my c-section. Did I take it HELL NO, but my job is super easy and required less movement than my job as a mom at home.

This go around I plan on trying my damnedest to return to work at 3 weeks. Again I will be sitting down not moving. If you did anything more than what I would do then I would say you are putting your health at risk.

As far as OP your H is an asshat and needs to have the area between his ball and asshole clipped and let him go back to work in 2 weeks.

BioGirl21 · August 2013

Your H needs to shut up unless he wants to be the one to give birth. I'm taking 12 weeks off, the horror!
And the lady going back to work after a C/S after 4 weeks is BSC. You aren't even fully healed at that point.

micaelasmakeup · August 2013

Tell him you will be happy to go back to work when the doctor releases you to have sex again too.
Not well enought for sex= not well enough for work;)

Cerisrichard · August 2013

In the UK I don't think your allowed to return to work until 8 weeks though I may be wrong. But we get 38 weeks maturnity leave with pay. You are totally normal to want at Least 8 weeks to recover and bond with your baby! There was a really interesting article on here yesterday about post parting care - you should give him that to read!

AshandThree · August 2013

I'm kind of dumbfounded that your DH is part of, and advancing in, the medical community... and thinks that the minimum 8 weeks universally standard in this country, and fairly universally regarded as too stingy, is in fact indulgent. I had a C-section with DS, and in my opinion a super fast and smooth recovery, and my doc flipped our when I asked to be signed back to work at 6 weeks (money was a HUGE concern). My employer ended up forcing me to take 10, and in hindsight, I appreciate every moment of that. I will take as much as I can this time without jeopardizing my job and business. Also, you are right, commercial daycare in the US will not accept an infant prior to 6 weeks. I'm already on waiting lists for June as the earliest opening.

cmcordell · August 2013

You are not crazy. That is very upsetting. If your DH works in the medical field, he should know better. Any woman needs 6 weeks, At LEAST, to restore her body and mind to a normal state.
You are not any woman though. With your additional concerns, you should be very careful.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have chronic depression and anxiety issues. Being pregnant has been hard, since I can't take any medication. I'd think your DH would be extra supportive during this emotional time.

Good luck.

Jen&Louie · August 2013

6-8 weeks is necessary bonding and healing time. 6 weeks is the absolute minimum after a vaginal birth but, more is always better is possible. Taking the full 12 weeks FMLA, if eligible and financially feasible, is the best case scenario.

Meghan14 · August 2013

I've never even heard of someone's DR clearing them to go back to work before 5-6 weeks.

michaelaskedlauren · August 2013

Id be upset with my DH too. He should know that every pregnancy and delivery is different. Just because he knows someone going back to work super fast (looking back I could never fathom going back after 2 weeks), that doesn't mean that you can/should/want to go back that quickly as well.

Does he understand that most countries give moms a YEAR?! I was job protected for 18 weeks with my first, and Ill have at least 20 weeks this pregnancy and I plan on taking every moment of it. You don't get that time with your new baby back.

Good luck - hopefully your DH comes around soon. But in the end, don't let him or anyone pressure you into doing something you are uncomfortable with.

jdubh · August 2013

Um I was home for 11 weeks with DD...I may go back after 10 with this baby.

I would have him go with you to your next OB appointment and ya'll talk with the doctor...maybe then he'll understand how serious child birth is!

jdubh · August 2013

P.S. Does he know that you can't have SEX for at least 4 weeks???

funny bunny · August 2013

jwhutcheson said:

Um I was home for 11 weeks with DD...I may go back after 10 with this baby.

I would have him go with you to your next OB appointment and ya'll talk with the doctor...maybe then he'll understand how serious child birth is!

I love this idea.

Bring him to the Dr. to voice his opinions there.

I too am Canadian, and even with a whole year I wish we had a little more time before having to send our child to a complete stranger's care.

*Big Hugs*

tinkerfly81 · August 2013

I agree, have your ob talk with him. That is just crazy! I use to work with a lady who was soooo proud that she went back to work the day AFTER she gave birth (she is a nurse at a nursing home). I'm thinking to myself she wants a pat on the back and a "wow, look at you" but she is just stupuid!

calimama2007 · August 2013

I would try not to get yourself worked up about it. This is the first time for both of you, and I'm sure your husband will be supportive when he sees what you need after LO is here. ((HUGS))

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