Scared (terrified) of the drama once I'm pregnant!

akozy · August 2013

Ok, so DH and I both really, really want a baby - but, I'm completely scared of being pregnant. I am absolutely terrified of the drama surrounding our potential future pregnancy. I know, of course, that the decision to have a baby is mine and my DH's alone, but I can't get over the fact that I am still going to be very impacted by the drama brought on by other people.

DH's family lives 10 minutes away, my family lives 5 hours away.

The entire experience of planning the wedding was completely stressful and full of drama, especially around the bridal shower. I told MIL that I did not want her to throw me a bridal shower and that instead my sister (maid of honor) would be throwing me a big bridal shower which we'd invite DH's family to. My dad passed away a few years ago and my family still feels fragile, so I wanted the bridal shower to be a chance for our two families to bond before the wedding. MIL completely lost it because it didn't fit into her plans. She adamantly wanted to have separate showers for my family and DH's family. I left crying after that conversation. I feel she has made it very clear that she has no intention of wanting to blend our families, which not only hurts me but also really hurts my mom. I always believed that marriages should strengthen families, not polarize them.

Recently at our first anniversary, MIL decided she wanted to throw us a party to celebrate (without ever asking us once if we wanted a party). She did not invite my mom or my sister, and did not invite any of my bridesmaids to be there. The attendees mainly included MIL's friends and their daughters. I just can't understand why she wouldn't have invited my mom and sister if she really wanted it to be a party to celebrate DH and I. If my mom was throwing an anniversary party for us, his parents would certainly be invited! My mom's a teacher and has the summers off, so she absolutely would have been there if she had been invited. I didn't feel it was my place to invite people to MIL's party.

I am *so* scared of going through that drama again once I am pregnant. DH is the oldest and this would be the first grandchild on his entire side of the family. I'm completely dreading the ongoing tug-of-war between our families. I don't know if the tension will ever ease up once we actually have the baby either since it could turn into an ongoing competition to be the favorite grandparents to the baby etc.

I'm also scared of increasing immobility as the due date approaches. I hate living so far away from my family and I'm not looking forward to months at a time without being able to visit my family. Then once we have a newborn I'm afraid of not being able to consistently make the 5-hour drive to see my family.

I really want to move in the middle of both families. I know that would mean we wouldn't be particularly close to either side, but I think it would help to facilitate independence as our own family unit and would allow equal access and bonding time by both sides. The main downside is that in the middle is a serious job shortage and no guarantee we'd be able to find a job there anytime soon. We'd definitely want to have a job before moving, so if we put off having a baby until we move then we might be waiting for a long while. (MIL would be furious at the news of us moving and might hold it against me forever, but I can't let her intimidate me into giving her what she wants.)

That's a lot of info, and I guess I want to know if anyone out there has been through this? I've tried to search for other people scared to be pregnant, but have only come across people scared of the actual physical pregnancy, which is different. How did you deal? In your opinion, do you think we should put off TTC because of this?

Ducktale · August 2013

To be perfectly honest, I don't see the drama. My family and DH's family live in the same town, and while there is no tension between the families, they are still two distince families. We had a joint bridal shower, but if MIL had wanted to throw me a separate shower, I would have been touched and honored. My in-laws take me out for my birthday, almost always separate event from my family. They are not being bullies or "excluding" my family, but we operate as two separate families. No one's feelings are hurt by it. When DH and I got married, they did not give up their right to be their own family. I know some families do things differently and "blend" but not all. Our does not. And I'm totally fine with it and never even thought to be hurt about it. Maybe there's more drama and background you didn't include, but taking your post at face value, I think you're creating drama where there isn't any. Sounds like you have a thoughtful MIL who wants to make you feel special by throwing you showers and parties.

I do not think you should put of TTC because of "this".

MMason12 · August 2013

You cannot control your MIL nor who she chooses to invite to parties. All you can do is decline showers or parties she would like to throw you like you did the bridal shower. You cannot force her into being friends or mixing with your family. As much as your wants your two families to become one it sounds as though your MIL does not have the same wishes and that is her choice.

In the end is it really that tragic that your MIL wants to throw a party for only her side of the family? Maybe she doesn't have the space nor money to host a shower for everyone. Or maybe she just enjoys celebrating things with her son and his wife.

You need to work on letting go of the situation. You cannot control her nor force her into this or all you are going to do is make your relationship with her more contentious as the years go on.

grumbledore · August 2013

I can see how some of this is upsetting, but really there's no need for your husband's family to include your family in their events. If you and your husband are throwing a party, absolutely invite them all, and they can blend there, but they aren't obligated to be close to your family.

That said, if you feel there is a lot of drama and it stresses you out, distance yourself a little so you can relax.

Disneygeek77 · August 2013

Well, if I am going to be completely honest, I think you are the one bringing the drama and being ridiculous. Most of the time families, don't blend and yes it is very, very common for each side to host separate showers. In fact, your MIL throwing you a shower was a very generous gift for her to give and I feel it is a little bit rude to not hear her out and then go on to say " Nope, my sister's shower or nothing."

Look, some ( actually most) families don't blend and that is ok. I am in the opposite position right now because I feel like my sister is trying to force a relationship with her ILs and I am not comfortable with it. Most of her ILs are fine people, but sometimes I think it would be nicer to have a gathering with just our family.

My advice is to stop forcing a relationship here. Accept that your ILs don't want to blend and that is ok. If your sister wants to throw one baby shower and your MIL wants to throw another, accept it. A shower is a gift and just say thank you.

Is there more to the story, because this is a really silly thing to be upset over? I don't know, it is almost as if you are looking for reason to make your MIL the bad guy.

amberhoothoot · August 2013

Being a part of two separate families never gets easier. I don't think it was odd that your mom and sis weren't invited, maybe that's just how his family does things. My family is not close and never goes out. DH's family has a get-togethers every other weekend it seems, and they always invited my mom, but she never comes. Both sides just are who they are. No one is hurt by it now that we all know each other. You can't assume their intentions were to hurt you... I mean, they were throwing you a party!

When you have a kid the differences become even more pronounced because both sides will have opinions on how you're raising your baby. If you two are ready, that's all that matters. Start getting your mind in the right place now to show confidence in your decisions, and they will take queue and respect it (hopefully).

Yeah, distance stinks and it is harder to drive long distances when pregnant or with a newborn. I was worried we would upset DH's family by missing events (they are 2.5 hours away). But whats awesome, is the second the baby came, they started being the drivers. He's 2 years old and they can't go a weekend without driving to see him. The lengths grandparents go will surprise you in good ways.

Sometimes babies bring families together in really great ways.

Ducktale · August 2013

Also moving to a different city is drastic and unnecessary, and probably won't change anything. Especially since IMO, there's no problem that needs fixing, and there's always drama to be found if you're looking for it, no matter how close/far you live from family.

That being said, we are not yet TTC and of course there are things outside of the physical aspects to be nervous about when having a baby. But in your situation, focus on the fact that you have what sounds like very supportive in-laws, and draw on that when the hard times come or when you need help, which will only be to your benefit when you have a child. Creating drama will only make things more devisive. Your in-laws are a different family than yours is and they do things differently. While you're family may be the type to want to include everyone in everything, they are not. Doesn't make it bad, just different.

akozy · August 2013

Disneygeek77 said:

In fact, your MIL throwing you a shower was a very generous gift for her to give and I feel it is a little bit rude to not hear her out and then go on to say " Nope, my sister's shower or nothing."

I need to clarify here. My MIL ended up throwing her shower anyways.

annibes · August 2013

Here's a new mantra to live by: "It is what it is." Live in the now and don't borrow trouble. If you're agonizing over possible problems because you're excited about TTC and looking for something concrete to associate with your future baby, start thinking about names or nursery decoration ideas, or focus on charting and being as healthy as possible. It takes too much energy to think up and dwell on what could be!

Disneygeek77 · August 2013

akozy said:

Disneygeek77 said:

In fact, your MIL throwing you a shower was a very generous gift for her to give and I feel it is a little bit rude to not hear her out and then go on to say " Nope, my sister's shower or nothing."
I need to clarify here. My MIL ended up throwing her shower anyways.

Well that was very nice and of her. Not everyone's MIL wants to throw them a shower.

amberhoothoot · August 2013

annibes said:

Here's a new mantra to live by: "It is what it is." Live in the now and don't borrow trouble. If you're agonizing over possible problems because you're excited about TTC and looking for something concrete to associate with your future baby, start thinking about names or nursery decoration ideas, or focus on charting and being as healthy as possible. It takes too much energy to think up and dwell on what could be!

Love this!

akozy · August 2013

Thanks all for taking the time to share your thoughts.

After reading through them - I think I just miss my mom is all. Just having a really hard time coping with being so far away, especially at a time like this. By the sounds of it, it seems I'm having a much harder time coming to terms with this than most people.

MNgirl326 · August 2013

I read about 5 sentences and then quit. Honestly if you are worried about pregnancy drama around your family and showers and what not, I don't think you are ready to have a baby.

Disneygeek77 · August 2013

It is normal to miss your mom, however you should focus on that instead of making your MIL the bad guy here. That will only ruin your relationship with her.

Please stop comparing families. That will get your nowhere and it is unfair. His family is different than yours. They are not bad, or weird or wrong, just different. That is all.

akozy · August 2013

Disneygeek77 said:

It is normal to miss your mom, however you should focus on that instead of making your MIL the bad guy here. That will only ruin your relationship with her.

Please stop comparing families. That will get your nowhere and it is unfair. His family is different than yours. They are not bad, or weird or wrong, just different. That is all.

Yeah, I know. I made this post to get some outside perspectives and gain some clarity for why I was feeling what I was feeling. I feel like I have that now. Thanks.

Pepper6 · August 2013

You are putting too much pressure on the expectation that you are all one big happy family now. You're not. You are a part of your H's family now, and he's a part of yours, but regardless of your marriage, your family and your H's family are not family with each other.

I think as soon as you let go of that idea, you'll be much more comfortable in your relationship with your MIL. It's clear she cares about you because she seems pretty quick about wanting to celebrate big milestones with you, so focus on that and continue to build your relationship with her separately from that of your relationship with your own mother. It'll ease the tension all around and create less drama.

LilacStar11 · August 2013

I would just make sure you see each family as frequently (or infrequently) as you and your DH have decided. Traveling with a newborn is a lot easier than you may think and traveling with toddlers is not all that bad as long as you are prepared. We travel 11 hours every 6 weeks to my family, they travel down to us every 6 weeks but it is staggered so we see each other every 3 weeks. It is a lot more doable than you may think and newborns (even my dd who was a difficult sleeper) sleep through it.

cinderella4282 · August 2013

My family lives 2.5 hours away and DH's family lives 13 hours away......Our DD has become a very accomplished traveller. You'll also find that after the LO comes, people are a lot more willing to come and visit you.

Once DD reached 14 months, a DVD player in the car with Dora, Diego and Elmo has become a life saver. We have been out to see DH's family when she was 6 months and 16 months old. She did really well both times.

Don't stress and just enjoy the experience!

SmileyJay · August 2013

Would it be possible to move closer to your family?

We chose to live in a city that is about 30 minutes away from DHs family. My family is baout 4 hours away. Our families don't know each other... we had a small intimate wedding and each family mostly kept to themselves. I understand what you mean about marriage blending families but I don't actually know anyone who's families become like one after the marriage. With all the people in a family marrying out that would get pretty overwhelming pretty quickly.

Anyways, if you think it will be an issue you need to set ground rules. For example, DH always stands up for me and talks to his family if they are being too much. We dont have kids yet and anticipate having some of the issues you are worried about. It is okay to have two showers in this case though, I can't imagine asking my family to drive 4 hours for a baby shower or asking DHs family to drive 4 hours either... just have two thrown by two people.

It won't be as bad as you think. Don't share the news until you have to (showing in the 2nd trimester), have DH stand up for you, and let go of the little things.

Daisylola11 · August 2013

amberhoothoot said:

annibes said:

Here's a new mantra to live by: "It is what it is." Live in the now and don't borrow trouble. If you're agonizing over possible problems because you're excited about TTC and looking for something concrete to associate with your future baby, start thinking about names or nursery decoration ideas, or focus on charting and being as healthy as possible. It takes too much energy to think up and dwell on what could be!

Love this!

I agree with this! I'm going through wedding plans right now and am just realizing that I have to live in the now and let the drama be. Enjoy your special events in life, and understand that you sometimes gotta let things go and just concentrate on your future family planning. Every family dynamic is different and if you would like both families to spend time together then you will have to be the one to throw parties and invite who you'd like.

xomargiemariexo · August 2013

I can SO relate to you! One day I just had to come to terms with the fact that our families would never change, and there was no reason for me to let my mother-in-law have the power over me and my marriage to prevent me from making my biggest dream a reality! It's tough, but you have to live YOUR life!

MMason12 · August 2013

GhostMonkey said:

xomargiemariexo said:

I can SO relate to you! One day I just had to come to terms with the fact that our families would never change, and there was no reason for me to let my mother-in-law have the power over me and my marriage to prevent me from making my biggest dream a reality! It's tough, but you have to live YOUR life!

Her MIL isn't doing anything wrong. She's living in a fantasy world and is the one creating all of the drama she claims to not want.

GhostMonkey got it right - her MIL isn't doing anything. Her MIL actually sounds like a great MIL. Most women would love to have a MIL who wants to be involved and cared like her's does.

Disneygeek77 · August 2013

MMason12 said:

GhostMonkey said:

xomargiemariexo said:

I can SO relate to you! One day I just had to come to terms with the fact that our families would never change, and there was no reason for me to let my mother-in-law have the power over me and my marriage to prevent me from making my biggest dream a reality! It's tough, but you have to live YOUR life!

Her MIL isn't doing anything wrong. She's living in a fantasy world and is the one creating all of the drama she claims to not want.

GhostMonkey got it right - her MIL isn't doing anything. Her MIL actually sounds like a great MIL. Most women would love to have a MIL who wants to be involved and cared like her's does.

Exactly. I mean God forbid the woman puts her energy and money towards not one but two celebrations in her honor. And to think she would host a third party if she was to get pregnant.

I am just glad she realized this is more about missing her own mother and pray she doesn't take her sadness out on her MIL who is doing nothing but welcome the OP into her own family.

Want a personalized experience?

Scared (terrified) of the drama once I'm pregnant!

Re: Scared (terrified) of the drama once I'm pregnant!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards