should I be pissed or not?

Babybear70 · August 2013

Background info first, my MIL watches my son W/TH/F during the week. So I dropped him off this morning and they made no mention of any special plans or anything. Fast forward to just a few minutes ago to which I open my phone to see a picture of my niece and my son sitting on a Camel at the Zoo. The zoo here isn't located in the best of areas. I'm really pissed at the fact that they didn't even give me the common courtesy of letting me know that they were going to take him to the zoo. I don't care if they take him to the store or stuff like that, but the Zoo around here.....So I'm really pissed off right now. My DH seems to think I'm over reacting, but I put it to him this way, if they go missing, I have no frame of reference to know where to start looking, especially in a neighborhood like that. So do I have a right to be pissed that I didn't at least get a text message, or am I flying off the handle?

Babybear70 · August 2013

Let me also mention that I...his mother haven't even taken him to the Zoo yet. So now they just made me miss out on that first in my one and only childs life.....thanks a fvcking lot!!!!

Cherryblossoms07 · August 2013

If you didn't like it ask them to please let you know if they have travel plans in the future. It wouldn't have made me upset at all. I am really laid back when it comes to what happens at the grandparents house though. Their grandparents raised good kids of their own, I know they love them and us and would never want anything bad to happen, and they are all still very capable caregivers. My parents have taken the kids out while they were watching them without my knowing, usually Chuck E Cheese. Doesn't bother me at all. As for the zoo, I have taken my kids to a local zoo that is in a not very good area, so no that wouldn't bother me either unless there had been recent violent activity there.

The first thing wouldn't bother me either. You have the first - museum, pool, Disney, beach..... There are many many firsts, you are not going to realistically get them all. Would this have bothered you this much if it was your mom? Or, is this something larger with your MIL?

Babybear70 · August 2013

I wouldn't have been so pissed off had they just sent me a quick message to say where they were going. I am pretty protective over that little boy as he will be my only one, and it was harder than hell to get him here. All I want is for her to tell me where they are going. I don't think that is too much to ask. This is just par for the course...she never does what I ask her to do so I guess I should have seen it coming.

Mustardseed2007 · August 2013

It's hard for me to imagine what you mean by the zoo not being in the best area. I mean, even if the area is bad, how closed off is the zoo, do you have to pay admission to get in? Our zoo is in a decent area. It is next to a park where there are a lot of homeless people, but the zoo itself is insulated from all that so it's not like when you are in the zoo it's ghetto.

I get wanting to take him to the zoo yourself, though. That is a special experience. DS's first trip to the zoo was with me and DH on his birthday and we had a ton of fun. Since we've taken him, I wouldn't mind that my mom took him without telling me. But then again I trust my mom to drive safely with him and get him in and out of a public place like that safely.

If you don't trust your MIL to do those things (and I don't mean that to be snarky, maybe she isn't trustworthy enough in those ways) then I could see how it would be a safety issue and make you mad for that reason.

jnnfrrose6 · August 2013

I'd be upset, but more for the first issues of just not telling you they were planning on going out, not because you missed a first. Look at it this way, it was LO's first trip to the zoo with the grandparents, but not the first trip with you. You will still have your first trip to the zoo together. It would upset me to not know they were planning an outing, though. God forbid something happens, but you're right, you wouldn't even know where to start.

Mustardseed2007 · August 2013

Babybear70 said:

I wouldn't have been so pissed off had they just sent me a quick message to say where they were going. I am pretty protective over that little boy as he will be my only one, and it was harder than hell to get him here. All I want is for her to tell me where they are going. I don't think that is too much to ask. This is just par for the course...she never does what I ask her to do so I guess I should have seen it coming.

If this is the case, I think you should make alternative child care arrangements because this is going to happen in the future and it's going to drive you nuts.

Even if you tell her that this upset you, it sounds like a pattern exists where she doesn't take your feelings into consideration. If she was a DCP she would have told you, so I think you should get a non relative DCP. It will give you peace of mind.

mexicolombiana · August 2013

I'd be pissed if my child care provider didn't tell me they were going on a big outing. Missing the "first" time at the zoo, eh I wouldn't care. Just tell your mom, hey mom let me know next time you plan a big trip so I can make sure he has everything he needs and so I know where you guys are!

BiscuitEater21 · August 2013

I would also be very upset if something like this happened to me. Everyone that has taken LO keeps me aware of what they're doing almost all the time.. Of course, I know not everyone is like my family and I--sending multiple pictures and putting it on Facebook and tagging me in it. But I would definitely expect whoever I let keep him to let me know if they were going anywhere important. And the zoo is definitely important to me! I haven't got to take LO yet either but we don't have one anywhere near here! I really want to take him though, and I also think he's love the coast.

Babybear70 · August 2013

nicb13, I did post about the bottles, but that is MY mom, not MIL. My mom watches LO M/Tu, MIL is W/Th/F. That way everyone gets time. But yes, you hit the nail on the head with both cases, that because they are Grandma they should be able to do what they want, regardless of my wishes.

I've calmed down now, but I'm still not very happy about it. We are going to have to have a talk tonight when I pick him up. Not acceptable.

kerrydonlon · August 2013

Honestly it would bother me. I think a heads up is always appropriate. I can also relate to wanting to take him to the zoo first. I like to be there for his "firsts". I'm a pretty protective mama though

Babybear70 · August 2013

Yea, they both mean well, but sometimes it just isn't to my liking. My mom has anxiety and a slight fear of going out in public, and my MIL (since she has raised her other granddaughter) has sort of stepped into the parents shoes (or thinks she has) when it comes to my son and I have to continuously remind her that no....he isn't yours he is mine. I have the scar to prove that he was cut from my body.

JENandJEH · August 2013

Honestly, I wouldn't be at all upset that I missed his first trip to the zoo and would only be slightly upset that I didn't know where they were. Do you doubt that your MIL loves your son? My parents and ILs love my kids and would never, ever, ever put them in any sort of danger so I trust their judgement and their decisions. If this isn't the case, I would reevaluate your childcare arrangements.

I think at some point, coming to terms with the fact that not everyone who cares for your child will do every single thing to your liking is necessary as long as it's not something that will harm your child or put your child in immediate danger. I think, like PP mentioned, you need to be calm when talking to your MIL because she probably doesn't have any inkling that what she did upset you or would upset you. A simple, "hey MIL, next time you guys decide to go on an adventure, would you please give me a heads up? I'd like to make sure he has plenty of sunscreen/snacks/water/proper clothes/shoes/etc. Also, in case there is an emergency and I need to find you, it would be helpful to know where you are!"

capulet · August 2013

Babybear70 said:

I wouldn't have been so pissed off had they just sent me a quick message to say where they were going. I am pretty protective over that little boy as he will be my only one, and it was harder than hell to get him here. All I want is for her to tell me where they are going. I don't think that is too much to ask. This is just par for the course...she never does what I ask her to do so I guess I should have seen it coming.

Honestly, it just sounds like you have MIL issues. I can't judge whether that in itself is right or not, since I don't know your history with her, but I can say that my MIL is respectful of my wishes and I would not be pissed if she had done the same thing. (Also: "I don't think that is too much to ask..." Did you actually ask? This sounds like you might not have made your expectations clear. That's on you. People can't be mind-readers, and in general I don't think it's unreasonable for grandparents to take their grandchildren on outings without clearing every destination with the parents first. This may not be what you expect, and that's fine, but I personally don't have a problem with it.)

And FYI, like every other parent in the universe, I'm protective of my kids, and like a lot of moms, I have a c-section scar. What I do not have is family living nearby to help take care of my kids. So, either you trust them or you don't, but you have options which a lot of parents do not. I don't mean to be snarky (well, maybe I do), but if I decide to work outside the home at all, I am going to have to risk a lot more than you do, and, I'm guessing, pay a lot more than you do, to entrust my children to someone I have not yet met. That does not justify your family disregarding your wishes, but maybe it will give you some perspective. Be clear in your expectations. If they don't follow them, then find another provider, but that puts you in the situation most parents begin with in the first place.

UMichGirl · August 2013

I understand where you are coming from. I'm big on "firsts" as well, and I would be shocked if MIL (or my own mom) took DS anywhere that I didn't know about. So yes, we would definitely be having a conversation about it! I also get where you are coming from about it being hard to get him here. We went through a lot to get our little boy here too, and he will likely be our one and only, so I feel overly protective about a lot of stuff as well.

Nel11 · August 2013

I think you need to set clear expectations for your caregivers, and if they don't follow through, you either need to compromise with them or find alternate care. Honestly, I think this kind of thing tends to be par for the course when it comes to having family take care of your kid in lieu of daycare. If you are unhappy with how they care for your LO then you need to pay for a caregiver that will honor your expectations.

FWIW, I would be a bit peeved if my MIL took my kid to the zoo without telling me, but unless I specifically stated that she needed to tell me if they are going somewhere, I would just say "Next time, please let me know." and leave it at that. I would be a bit sad about the "first" issue, but I wouldn't say anything. Gotta pick and choose your battles.

ASmallWonder · August 2013

Tell her that you need to know their plans all the time in case something goes wrong.

What I take issue with is you saying you're super protective because you only have the one and it was so hard having him. People who didn't struggle to have a baby or who have more than one child don't care less about their kids' safety and seeing their happy moments. Just sayin.

LeofgythsMama · August 2013

Our zoo isn't in the best area of town either, but I have no problem with family caregivers taking my DD when they have her because the zoo itself is very safe. She is and will always be my one and only child. I trust my family completely to take care of her because if I didn't, she would not be with them. If it is such a big issue, perhaps you should look at alternative childcare arrangements.

traveltheworld · August 2013

Hm...now I feel kind of bad. We have friends that drop off their little ones for us to babysit from time to time, and I'd never think to check with the parents first to see if we could take the little ones to the zoo / park / science center etc., I just figure the parents would want their kid to have fun, so it wouldn't have crossed my mind to check with them about taking them somewhere that is kid-appropriate - they already left their child in my care, so unless they specifically ask me to do or not do something, I figure I can use my own judgment.

MIL watches DS every Friday and I never ask about where she takes him. I just want him to have a good time and I trust that she has his best interest at heart. But I'm also not the type that cares about "firsts" - they are too little to remember. The "firsts" are more for me, so whenever I take him, that'll be "first" in my mind.

traveltheworld · August 2013

Oh but I do see your point at not knowing where to find them if they went missing - I had never thought about that.

JENandJEH · August 2013

capulet said:

Babybear70 said:

I wouldn't have been so pissed off had they just sent me a quick message to say where they were going. I am pretty protective over that little boy as he will be my only one, and it was harder than hell to get him here. All I want is for her to tell me where they are going. I don't think that is too much to ask. This is just par for the course...she never does what I ask her to do so I guess I should have seen it coming.

Honestly, it just sounds like you have MIL issues. I can't judge whether that in itself is right or not, since I don't know your history with her, but I can say that my MIL is respectful of my wishes and I would not be pissed if she had done the same thing. (Also: "I don't think that is too much to ask..." Did you actually ask? This sounds like you might not have made your expectations clear. That's on you. People can't be mind-readers, and in general I don't think it's unreasonable for grandparents to take their grandchildren on outings without clearing every destination with the parents first. This may not be what you expect, and that's fine, but I personally don't have a problem with it.)

And FYI, like every other parent in the universe, I'm protective of my kids, and like a lot of moms, I have a c-section scar. What I do not have is family living nearby to help take care of my kids. So, either you trust them or you don't, but you have options which a lot of parents do not. I don't mean to be snarky (well, maybe I do), but if I decide to work outside the home at all, I am going to have to risk a lot more than you do, and, I'm guessing, pay a lot more than you do, to entrust my children to someone I have not yet met. That does not justify your family disregarding your wishes, but maybe it will give you some perspective. Be clear in your expectations. If they don't follow them, then find another provider, but that puts you in the situation most parents begin with in the first place.

Thank you for saying this (and there was another response that mentioned it too). We live 9 hours away from family and don't have the luxury of having our parents watch our kids for anything. Not only would I love the opportunity for my kids to spend ANY amount of time with my parents and ILs but I would also love to be able to leave them with our parents when my husband has work functions and KNOW that the people they're with love them just as fiercely as my husband and I do. I would wager to guess that my MIL, in this situation, would be flabbergasted that something she thought would be fun and exciting for my sons turned out to be something that I was so upset over. She loves them and wants to do exciting things with them, too.

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