Shut out by SAHM friends?

mae0111 · August 2013

I have 3 friends that I have known for over 20 years, and they are all SAHMs. Some have side jobs - bartending 1-2 times a week, or watching neighborhood kids, or direct sales - but they decided to leave jobs and careers to stay home. They don't see each other much because they don't live close to each other.

I saw all of them last weekend, after not seeing them for a while - probably a few months. I told them how much I missed them all, and that now that I was feeling a bit more settled (after new baby, new house, and going back to work after maternity leave), maybe we could get together more. They all agreed, and said the same.

Last night, they posted pictures on Facebook of a big get together they had. They included some other friends from high school that none of us had seen in years, outside of a recent reunion. All of them are SAHMs. They all posted separately about what a fantastic time they all had together.

I'm so hurt. I would have loved a night out. No one mentioned it to me when we were together over the weekend. No one called or emailed or facebook messaged me. I'm in touch with one woman more than the others, and we get our kids together about once a month. I can't believe she didn't think of me.

These are women that I consider to be really close friends. I do my best to stay in touch, but it's hard to get together a lot. My hours can be long, my kids are little, and my DH travels. It's just now that I've noticed that the communication really hasn't been going both ways.

I'm leaning toward letting these relationships go, and it makes me so sad.

NicoleWI · August 2013

Was the get together during work hours?? Maybe they thought you couldn't make it?

mae0111 · August 2013

NicoleWI said:

Was the get together during work hours?? Maybe they thought you couldn't make it?

Nope. They all went out to dinner at a bar.

CrawltheWarriorKing · August 2013

mae0111 said:

NicoleWI said:

Was the get together during work hours?? Maybe they thought you couldn't make it?
Nope. They all went out to dinner at a bar.

I would just call the person in the group you are closest to and say something like "How fun you guys all got together, let me know next time, I'd love to see everyone and catch up"

She may or may not say why you weren't included (if she knows) but maybe she didn't have anything to do with the planning. But at least now she knows you'd love to hang out and can go from there.

mae0111 · August 2013

christel811 said:

Ask to be included next time.

Had anyone mentioned that it was happening when I saw them, I would have asked to be included this time. But it was like they went out of their way not to say anything. There's no way this was thrown together last-minute. Unless I've been lied to about schedules when I've tried to plan a get-together.

jf198400 · August 2013

If this person is truly a best friend, you should be able to talk to her about how hurt you are. See how her reaction is and see if things change before you give up on the relationship.

blushingbride_08 · August 2013

I've done this before but not to be hurtful. I just think that my full time working moms can go to happy hour with coworkers or have more free time. I know it is an assumption but I feel like I bond more with my sahm friends since they can relate to working at home vs working outside of the home.

mae0111 · August 2013

blushingbride_08 said:

I've done this before but not to be hurtful. I just think that my full time working moms can go to happy hour with coworkers or have more free time. I know it is an assumption but I feel like I bond more with my sahm friends since they can relate to working at home vs working outside of the home.

But if ONE person was going to be left out, wouldn't you make an exception? I was the only one in our circle not included. It also happens that I'm the only one with a full-time job.

MoreThanABride · August 2013

Arg! That sucks. This is what I hate about Facebook, when you KNOW a bunch of people you know are hanging out without you. It happens to me very often and it hurts!

MiracleK · August 2013

blushingbride_08 said:

I've done this before but not to be hurtful. I just think that my full time working moms can go to happy hour with coworkers or have more free time. I know it is an assumption but I feel like I bond more with my sahm friends since they can relate to working at home vs working outside of the home.

I'm a working mom, full time. I can tell you I have no more free time. As soon as my work day ends, I pick up my daughter, and the night is hers. No happy hour with co-workers for me!

mae0111 · August 2013

MiracleK said:

blushingbride_08 said:

I've done this before but not to be hurtful. I just think that my full time working moms can go to happy hour with coworkers or have more free time. I know it is an assumption but I feel like I bond more with my sahm friends since they can relate to working at home vs working outside of the home.

I'm a working mom, full time. I can tell you I have no more free time. As soon as my work day ends, I pick up my daughter, and the night is hers. No happy hour with co-workers for me!

And this. I have been to exactly 2 happy hours since having DD1 almost 4 years ago, and one was required for work. I race home so that I can have some time with her before bed. If I make plans with anyone, I try to do it on an evening after I've worked from home for the day, or at least a bit later (7/7:30) so that I can spend some time with the kids first. My SAHM friends know this.

aglenn · August 2013

Yeah, LOL at working mom = more free time. I am pretty sure it doesn't work that way. Plus, going to happy hour with coworkers is not the same as hanging out with friends.

michaelaskedlauren · August 2013

Id be upset too, and I think it was really rude of them to post things about the outing knowing that you would see them! Personally I think that bit is childish.

If this was me, Id do what PPs said and contact the one in the group you are closest to/most comfortable with and confide in her how it hurt your feelings. She may offer an explanation, but if not at least you can clarify how even though you work that doesnt mean you dont want quality time with them.

I would suggest doing this via phone vs email or text as things can be misinterpreted/forwarded and that can become a hot mess. For me, Id need a day or two to calm down and get my emotions in check, but I definitely think you should talk to one of them about it. Good luck!

2-Step · August 2013

I wouldn't assume it is because you have a job. I think you might be sensitive to that issue since you are the only one that is working. I would ask about the event and keep it casual and see if they say something about why they didn't invite you. It would be nice to find out a reason before you drop your friends, maybe it was last minute, maybe someone you didn't know planned it or maybe they simply were busy and forgot to make a last minute call to you. Facebook is awful for rumors and jumping to conclusions.

A friend of mine started working from home and had posted something about being home all day on facebook, a few months later she found out an entire group of her friends had been "told" that she quit her job to focus on her infertility treatments and that was all she did all day. In reality she is a top preforming sales person at an international company! She set them straight and a few months later some other friends were saying that I now work for my best friend and she is my boss. I can only assume someone saw us posting a pic of hanging out during the day because I work from home too, and who knows where it went from there. I can only imagine what other rumors are out there that are totally wrong, just based of FB posts. It's our favorite joke now that I am her personal infertility assistant and she sits around all day focusing on that while I bring her cool drinks and wait on my "boss"

Sorry to be long winded, but facebook is a horrible way to decide if you should drop your friendships. Talk to them, tell them you were hurt and get to the bottom of it.

Fullcircle06 · August 2013

I'd feel the same way. The fact that they posted something on FB about leads me to believe (or at least hope) that it was unintentional. I would definitely say something to your friend, as mentioned in PP, but if it happens again, I'd look at whether the friendship(s) are worth maintaining.

EastCoastBride · August 2013

MiracleK said:

blushingbride_08 said:

I've done this before but not to be hurtful. I just think that my full time working moms can go to happy hour with coworkers or have more free time. I know it is an assumption but I feel like I bond more with my sahm friends since they can relate to working at home vs working outside of the home.

I'm a working mom, full time. I can tell you I have no more free time. As soon as my work day ends, I pick up my daughter, and the night is hers. No happy hour with co-workers for me!

Seriously!! I'm kind of WTF at this logic. what a HUGE and incorrect assumption! Hell.

OP - talk to your friend. Try to find out what happened. You're jumping to conclusions and there might really be an understandable reason that this happened. Find out before you drop friendships.

emmy236 · August 2013

Well they are jerks. Plain and simple! Kinda sounds like they never actually left high school. I know some people never got over not being "popular" back then and try desperately (via Facebook) to show that they are now. Especially if you're from a small town. Most people I went to high school with still live in our tiny town and go to the same bars that I went to at like 18 when I was home on breaks. When I go home they catch me up on gossip which hasn't changed since junior year. I like the occasional catch ups but I don't really miss the flat beer and the ever ongoing beer pong tournaments in their parents garages while DMB blares and everyone points out the lyric that was their senior quote (or in several cases a rib tattoo). Anyone happy in their situation doesn't care what status of mommy hood their friends are in. Im sure you have other friends from college, work, the neighborhood that you have more in common with now and work on stregnthing those relationships! I love my neighbors and the SAHMs always have cocktails waiting for me when I get off work!

Nechie122 · August 2013

blushingbride_08 said:
I've done this before but not to be hurtful. I just think that my full time working moms can go to happy hour with coworkers or have more free time. I know it is an assumption but I feel like I bond more with my sahm friends since they can relate to working at home vs working outside of the home.

It's fine to seek out friends you can "relate" to, but you shouldn't need to hang out with them to the exclusion of everyone else. Expand your world view! Do you really have nothing else to talk about than taking care of your kids all day? What else makes you tick? Do you have hobbies? Opinions on current events? Pop culture? Maybe you can relate to them on that level, especially during a girls' night out at a bar?

I feel kind of sad when women say they've dropped their childfree (or even working mom!) friends because they feel they have nothing in common with them anymore. It just makes me wonder if they've severed all ties with their "old" life and what made them an individual and not just a mom.

financialdiva · August 2013

I would be hurt to, but do you think they didn't ask you because you have had so much going on right now? That they didnt want you to feel obligated into coming or put you on the spot?

(You are the poster with the home renovations going on, just went back to work after baby number 2 right?)

Like other posters suggested, I would mention how it looks like you all had a great time and would love to maybe meet up on the next one.

JoAnna914 · August 2013

blushingbride_08 said:

I've done this before but not to be hurtful. I just think that my full time working moms can go to happy hour with coworkers or have more free time. I know it is an assumption but I feel like I bond more with my sahm friends since they can relate to working at home vs working outside of the home.

You're an awesome friend (read: sarcasm).

My best friend on the planet is now a SAHM. I am not only a working mom, but a career-driven one at that. We have just as much fun now and bond just as well as we ever have. Because we're FRIENDS, and as individuals we are more than just our rolls as mothers/workers.

OP - yes, ask the woman you are closer with about the get together, but if you aren't satisfied with the answer you get, you might want to rethink whether these friendships are worth your very precious time. I am sorry your feelings were hurt.

shannm · August 2013

Nicb13 said:
I just recently "broke up" with a friend I've had for over 20 years. It's been a long time coming and a lot of shit has gone down, but it had to happen. She always had to have big talks over every little thing that she thought I did wrong and these talks always ended with her crying and telling me I've been a bad friend for years. I don't need that shit in my life and I have plenty of other friends that I don't have to walk on egg shells around.
I say have an honest talk with your friend and tell her exactly what you posted here. Decide if this friendship is worth salvaging.

I had a similar experience with a friend who was even in my wedding. Sucked but life is too short for drama so I would talk to your friend now, tell her how you feel and try to determine if they purposefully did not include you. If they did, mourn the loss and move on. Again, life is too short.

somerandomlady · August 2013

financialdiva said:
I would be hurt to, but do you think they didn't ask you because you have had so much going on right now? That they didnt want you to feel obligated into coming or put you on the spot?

(You are the poster with the home renovations going on, just went back to work after baby number 2 right?)

Like other posters suggested, I would mention how it looks like you all had a great time and would love to maybe meet up on the next one.

This. I think you should give your friends the benefit of the doubt, they may have just assumed you'd be busy. Instead of making a big deal about hurt feelings, I'd just say 'I saw on FB you guys had a great evening out the other night... Drop me a line if there's any fun evening/weekend stuff going on in the future! I could use an evening out with girlfriends!'

Just let them know you ARE interested and that even if you might be too busy for 75% of outings you'd still really love to join the other 25%.

I doubt your friends are shutting you out on purpose. Never attribute to malice that which can be attributed to ignorance.

MagickalNarwhal · August 2013

financialdiva said:
I would be hurt to, but do you think they didn't ask you because you have had so much going on right now? That they didnt want you to feel obligated into coming or put you on the spot?

(You are the poster with the home renovations going on, just went back to work after baby number 2 right?)

Like other posters suggested, I would mention how it looks like you all had a great time and would love to maybe meet up on the next one.

This. I am guilty of excluding people because I assume they would want to spend any free time as family time. I have been called out on it and apologized and I try really hard not to assume any more. When I was working - and I was only PT once my son was born - I felt like I had ZERO free time and I wanted to spend as much time w my fam as possible, esp since my partner works a lot.

I would say try and not assume it was a jerk move, but ask for more info because it sure could have been. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. Mine would have been too.

skibunny59 · August 2013

MiracleK said:

blushingbride_08 said:

I've done this before but not to be hurtful. I just think that my full time working moms can go to happy hour with coworkers or have more free time. I know it is an assumption but I feel like I bond more with my sahm friends since they can relate to working at home vs working outside of the home.

I'm a working mom, full time. I can tell you I have no more free time. As soon as my work day ends, I pick up my daughter, and the night is hers. No happy hour with co-workers for me!

This exactly! Most of my mom friends are working moms but my cousin who I am very close to is a SAHM. I've never ever felt like I couldn't relate to her.

Also, I don't understand when you say that working moms have more free time. Um you do realize that the time we are not with our LO's is because we are at WORK.

RibbitGrl930 · August 2013

blushingbride_08 said:

I've done this before but not to be hurtful. I just think that my full time working moms can go to happy hour with coworkers or have more free time. I know it is an assumption but I feel like I bond more with my sahm friends since they can relate to working at home vs working outside of the home.

You are hilarious. OP, I second others who suggest asking your closest friend why you weren't invited. If you're that close, she'll be understanding of your feelings and should give you an honest answer. Then just go from there.

laurakaz13 · September 2013

JoAnna914 said:

blushingbride_08 said:

I've done this before but not to be hurtful. I just think that my full time working moms can go to happy hour with coworkers or have more free time. I know it is an assumption but I feel like I bond more with my sahm friends since they can relate to working at home vs working outside of the home.

You're an awesome friend (read: sarcasm).

My best friend on the planet is now a SAHM. I am not only a working mom, but a career-driven one at that. We have just as much fun now and bond just as well as we ever have. Because we're FRIENDS, and as individuals we are more than just our rolls as mothers/workers.

OP - yes, ask the woman you are closer with about the get together, but if you aren't satisfied with the answer you get, you might want to rethink whether these friendships are worth your very precious time. I am sorry your feelings were hurt.

All of this! My friends are my friends. We all love each other and there are WMs and SAHMs in our group. Bottom line, we're all MOMS and we all care about and support each other.

iverske9 · September 2013

I would talk to your friend and tell her you were hurt and hope you can be included in the future. Find out if there is a reason. I know some friends in the past have turned me down over and over for get togethers and after awhile you just stop trying. I am a working mom and am friends with SAHM just make sure it wasn't because you were AWOL which can easily be changed by making plans.

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