Anyone else feel this way or am I a bitch?

m88bloom · August 2013

I will probably regret this but here we go anyway. This has been on my mind the last couple of days due to other posts. I for one am not having anyone in the hospital with me but SO. People can come visit the next day or if I deliver in the AM that night maybe (basically after I get some rest and some family time). Also, I have no intention of having people help me once I get home. SO is taking a week off and I'm sure I'll have some people stop over who didn't make it to the hospital (which will be more like I get to entertain) but that's all. I'm sure it would be much easier with help but I'm a big girl who can take care of her own children. I don't need anyone holding my hand for the first few months of my sons life. If I wasn't ready to take on the responsibility I wouldn't be having a child. Anyone else feel this way or am I being an insensitive bitch?

blainethetrain · August 2013

Are you a FTM?

sabriel1 · August 2013

I didn't want/need any help with my first so I see where you are coming from. My husband actually only had the day after and of me giving birth off. I never had any issues and plan on something similar with this one though my Mom will be looking after DD while I am in the hospital giving birth so I guess I'll have help this time in that way.

I can also understand that people feel that they want help too and it could potentially be a good way to bond as an extended family. What I do not get though is people getting all butt hurt about people not running to help them.

m88bloom · August 2013

hckygrl909 said:

Are you a FTM?

Yes

TimeToReplaceTheCatsWithABaby · August 2013

I feel the same way. My EDD is 12/1, and we're not having any family visitors until Christmas (family lives approx. 1000 miles away). It's scary to think we're going to be all by ourselves, but 3 weeks of mommy-daddy-baby time will hopefully help us get into a groove much better than relying on family that's just going to have to go home eventually. Trial by fire, right?

blainethetrain · August 2013

In that case I would wait to tell anyone you don't want help. I'm about as independent as they come, and it was lovely having my mom or MIL come over a couple of times a week to help with a load of laundry or to help get dinner around while I got a shower in. This was especially true after DH went back to work.

MamaHanna · August 2013

You are totally being a bitch! No, just kidding. I feel the same way. My MIL wanted to move in with us after I have the baby. Thanks, but no thanks! I feel like you have to do what makes you feel comfortable or it will ruin your experience. My mom wanted to be in the room and after some of the things she said to me I kicked her out. It's going to be awkward but better a short while of awkwardness explaining why you feel this way than a life time of regret. You can't have your child's first moments twice!

lp0 · August 2013

I definitely didn't want anyone other then DH on the delivery room. I just don't feel like it's a group event. I also limited visitors at home for the first few months because it was cold/flu season.

I had my mom come over almost everyday for three weeks when I got home with DS. She brought food and straightened up for us but honestly it was more for company. It was definitely helpful to have an extra set of hands to hold the baby so I could shower. With that being said, I think I would have been equally fine had she not been there. I had a very smooth transition into motherhood and was fortunate that DS was an easy baby.

I'm actually more concerned this time around having a two year old running around.

TheBorg7of9 · August 2013

I'm a STM. I felt totally comfortable by myself with the baby. Having other people over was just something else to worry about. I think you'll be fine.

hjweber · August 2013

I didn't need anyone to hold my hand through DD's first months of life, I simply wanted to share the experience with my mom. I am very, very close with her and having her in my room (as well as DH, my 2 sisters, and MIL-whom will not be there this time around) gave me a sense of calmness. I think it's a personal choice and some people have different types of relationships with family members. Some definitely want the help, (nothing wrong with that if help is being offered and the new mom wants it), others just want the presence of a loved one and others don't want/need anyone.

esf60 · August 2013

I don't think you're being a bitch, but I do think you're crazy for turning down free help, if it's being offered. I wouldn't be so quick to say no to offers at this point; you have no idea how you'll feel. I say be open to it at least.

74dragonfly · August 2013

I didn't need help but it came in handy when I had a c section. It is fine to do it your self but getting help is great. The is nothing wrong with having family support and help you. By support I mean cook meals, laundry.

mamashan12 · August 2013

I feel the same. My family knows we'd rather be alone, and have offered help on an as needed basis. Who knows, I may be begging for my mom and MIL those first few days after LO comes home, but as of right now, we'll try doing it on our own and see what happens. I know they are there if I need them.

Ktrue85 · August 2013

Check back with us two weeks PP and we'll see if you're still singing the same tune.

m88bloom · August 2013

I know I have some help if it's needed but I wouldn't expect nor would I want anyone to completely re-arrange their lives so I can take a shower and or not cook and clean for myself. I'm absolutely sure I won't be doing much of those things but that's what SO is for. I guess I'm just a very independent person and not as close with my family as some.

In the end I understand if help is there for some why not take it. If you want people in the hospital waiting around great. To each their own. But I like to do things on my own and so does SO. It more or less frustrates me when I see posts about couples arguing about how many people get to be in the room while you birth (I feel this is as much of an experience for your other half as it is for you be sensitive to that). Or seem like they might loose it if they have to be alone with baby for one day.

jy725 · August 2013

I'm a FTM too and though I can't say exactly how I'll feel, I do agree with some of your points. I will have family/friends visit in the hospital, if they like. I'll also have visitors to the house. I don't want any over night guests though. DH will be off work for two weeks, so I will have his full support. Part of me feels like the idea of a mother or MIL staying for weeks after the baby is born is pretty outdated. At least in my case and in some others, husbands now take on a more active role and no longer need to report back to work within a day or two.

willowprincess · August 2013

I loved having dh home and having lots of people visiting (both at home and in the hospital). I would have been so bored if it had been just me. My whole family and dh's parents and brother were in the waiting room while I delivered and I loved them coming right in afterwards. In my opinion, you can't have too many visitors. But that's me. I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting anyone there either. But your tone implies that women that do want the company or help are somehow weaker women. And that's the wrong attitude to have.

Lawren · August 2013

When I had DS there were constantly people in and out of my house and people wanting to help and it just made things worse for me. It stressed me out. DH had two weeks off with me and that is all the help I needed. The revolving door will not be happening this time.

ETA: I don't mind visitors in the hospital, but when we had DS the first few days we were at home there were literally people at our house all day long. We were discharged from the hospital and FIL was at the house five minutes later and from that moment on we never had a moments peace. I was trying to figure out nursing, my child was passed around a thousand times when all I wanted to do was hold him and bond with him, my hormones were crazy and I wanted to cry all of the time, it was rough.

MEP923 · August 2013

I think it is just a personal preference. Just never say never until you actually have baby. In the delivery room it will be just me and DH, and the first few days home. After that I don't care if people come and visit. People tend not to "help you" when they are over visiting. They just hold the baby for a bit, give a small gift and go. I was a single mother for my first one in the beginning and I managed. I lived with my mom so she helped me but only so much. She was already diagnosed with Huntington's Disease so they told me she couldn't be left alone with the baby so mainly everything was up to me. This time around it will be just me and DH doing everything. My MIL is a mile away though so if I need her I won't be ashamed to give her a call. Newborns can be a lot of work. There is no shame in asking for some help.

PinkinProvence · August 2013

hjweber said:

I didn't need anyone to hold my hand through DD's first months of life, I simply wanted to share the experience with my mom. I am very, very close with her and having her in my room (as well as DH, my 2 sisters, and MIL-whom will not be there this time around) gave me a sense of calmness. I think it's a personal choice and some people have different types of relationships with family members. Some definitely want the help, (nothing wrong with that if help is being offered and the new mom wants it), others just want the presence of a loved one and others don't want/need anyone.

Exactly this. I don't feel like I need anyone to help me or that I can't handle the responsibility of being a parent, but having a baby is not something that just affects me. It creates a multi-generational bond and as excited as I am to have my own child, I am excited for my parents to become grandparents, my sister to become an aunt, my brother to become an uncle and my grandparents to become great-grandparents. It is a celebration and I do not want to exclude anyone.

My extended family's frequent visits will have no negative impact on the bonding DH and I will have with the boys.

When my nieces were born, it was so special to wait in the hospital (not the delivery room) and welcome them to the world. It was my honor to visit them in the hospital and have photos with them the first days of life. They will always have the welcome home signs I made and decorated their house with as I waited at SILs house for them to arrive home from the hospital. Although SIL and BIL didn't need my help, I know they were appreciative when I made myself readily available to come by and sit with the baby when SIL needed to go grocery shopping, run to CVS or just get a pedicure for an hour.

You're not a biatch, but I think you might change your mind when the baby gets here.

anasofia81 · August 2013

This reminds me a little of an article I read yesterday.

here's the link just in case anyone is interested: Why Are America’s Postpartum Practices So Rough on New Mothers?

nicholssquared · August 2013

I don't think anyone's going to say you're a bitch because I think that's your decision to make. If that's the way you want it, then as the MTB, that's the way it should be. You should reserve the right to change your mind, though. Flexibility is key for new mothers. GL

Aycul18 · August 2013

I don't think you are being a bitch at all. This is actually the main reason why I want to get out of DH's parents house before the baby comes. We currently rent their first floor, as it is a split level and we have a full kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, and living area down there for ourselves.

The problem is, is that I feel like MIL will overstep her boundaries and be TOO helpful when baby comes. I realized this when she said that if I don't want to get up at night to let her know and she'd do it. Although it was a very nice gesture, and I am quite appreciative of it, I don't think it's her responsibility. DH and I decided to have a baby, and I feel like getting up in the middle of the night is part of the experience (although exhausting).

With this being said, I can't say that I'll be opposed to someone bringing us dinner, or giving me 5 minutes to take a quick shower. I will not be opposed to having visitors over, although DH is iffy on having any friends for a whole month (yikes!). Clearly he doesn't know my best girlfriends well enough yet LOL.

I just don't want too much help. I want DH and I to be able to experience our baby and bonding time as a family, without having people intrude. Funny enough, I think it would be more family intruding than anything else.

mplesset23 · August 2013

hckygrl909 said:

In that case I would wait to tell anyone you don't want help. I'm about as independent as they come, and it was lovely having my mom or MIL come over a couple of times a week to help with a load of laundry or to help get dinner around while I got a shower in. This was especially true after DH went back to work.

Agree with this. I was nervous with my first since my MIL lives out of town and ended up staying with us the first week. It ended up being amazing. she did laundry, she cooked and she was just there in case I had any questions or needed help. In the middle of the night when baby would cry she'd open her door ask if we needed help, if we didn't she went right back to bed. I'm really lucky and have an amazing MIL, I know not everyone does. To be honest, the whole experience brought us a lot closer. She got to see how great DH and I were as parents. So much is just natural instincts, but sometimes an extra set of hands is nice, especially when you aren't supposed to be doing much walking after giving birth.

mamaj1220 · August 2013

Personally I am very close with my mom and her family so they have an open invitation to our house. SOs mom is out of state and I don't think his dad will be over much but I dont care. I don't want anyone setting up in the living room but I don't mind people coming over at all

SoMoNY · August 2013

m88bloom said:

I will probably regret this but here we go anyway. This has been on my mind the last couple of days due to other posts. I for one am not having anyone in the hospital with me but SO. People can come visit the next day or if I deliver in the AM that night maybe (basically after I get some rest and some family time). Also, I have no intention of having people help me once I get home. SO is taking a week off and I'm sure I'll have some people stop over who didn't make it to the hospital (which will be more like I get to entertain) but that's all. I'm sure it would be much easier with help but I'm a big girl who can take care of her own children. I don't need anyone holding my hand for the first few months of my sons life. If I wasn't ready to take on the responsibility I wouldn't be having a child. Anyone else feel this way or am I being an insensitive bitch?

This is a very reasonable plan and is what we have planned as well.

Very few people will know when head to hospital, a text will go out once he's arrived and we are ready to see people.

Baby will be coming home in Dec and we don't need people and their colds crowding us. We are hosting xmas eve, they can see baby then after we've had a week or so to adjust to live as a foursome.

malamutemommy · August 2013

It's a personal decision. I won't be actively seeking help, but if my mom or MIL want to help out or watch the baby while I catch a nap, I'll be all for it. My mom will also be in the delivery room with me. May be weird to some, however my mom has been through all of my hospital stays with me throughout my whole neurological disorder ordeal and I know I will be in extreme back pain during labor. My fiance knows all about it too, but my mom has experienced it first hand and knows how to help me try and cope through the pain. My mom is also a nurse, so I feel like she is qualified to be there as well. My fiance has no problem with this and I think is a little relieved he will have some help and some support as well from her.

SoMoNY · August 2013

I think whats important to remember is we all know our families and in-laws well as know if they'll really be a help or not.

My MIL & FIL are not as helpful as they think so that is why our plan is the way it is. My folks live out of state so we won't see them till close to xmas.

My aunt is VERY helpful so she'll be allowed over

MommyEllenSue · August 2013

I have a different opinion. I can't wait to show this LO off to all of my and DH's family. My Mom and Dad will leave to come here as soon as I go into labor and will stay as long as I want them too. I am not sure when my MIL will come but she will come on her Christmas break, she's a teacher, and stay also. My MIL will probably come when my parents leave. We live 5 plus hours away so everybody will just stay with us when they come. I know I can do it all by myself and don't need to prove it. I look forward to spending the time with my family and I'm not gonna lie help is always nice. Especially with my older 2, it is always a good thing for them to get spoiled by grandparents, aunts and uncles and such.

KelseyKetchum · August 2013

My bf literally wants us to be holed up in the house for my two months of maternity leave. I looked at him like he was crazy!!! I am going to need out otherwise I might start making shivs out I bathroom soap. But really I'm going to call it as I see it. If I want visitors I will say so if I don't I will let them know. I did agree to one month no one touching the baby but us..... He is a little paranoid.

esf60 · August 2013

@mrsashleyk said:

@m88bloom said:

I will probably regret this but here we go anyway. This has been on my mind the last couple of days due to other posts. I for one am not having anyone in the hospital with me but SO. People can come visit the next day or if I deliver in the AM that night maybe (basically after I get some rest and some family time). Also, I have no intention of having people help me once I get home. SO is taking a week off and I'm sure I'll have some people stop over who didn't make it to the hospital (which will be more like I get to entertain) but that's all. I'm sure it would be much easier with help but I'm a big girl who can take care of her own children. I don't need anyone holding my hand for the first few months of my sons life. If I wasn't ready to take on the responsibility I wouldn't be having a child. Anyone else feel this way or am I being an insensitive bitch?

You're not a bitch for not wanting help. I do think it's kind of a dick move to imply that people that people who want help the first couple of months are irresponsible and should have waited until they were ready to do it alone to have children.

Seconded. Asking for help does not make one any less responsible or ready to parent a child.

jamrosj · August 2013

KelseyKetchum said:

My bf literally wants us to be holed up in the house for my two months of maternity leave. I looked at him like he was crazy!!! I am going to need out otherwise I might start making shivs out I bathroom soap. But really I'm going to call it as I see it. If I want visitors I will say so if I don't I will let them know. I did agree to one month no one touching the baby but us..... He is a little paranoid.

Yeah...the first time I got out of the house I danced around like the nun in the sound of music.

KelseyKetchum · August 2013

jamrosj said:

KelseyKetchum said:

My bf literally wants us to be holed up in the house for my two months of maternity leave. I looked at him like he was crazy!!! I am going to need out otherwise I might start making shivs out I bathroom soap. But really I'm going to call it as I see it. If I want visitors I will say so if I don't I will let them know. I did agree to one month no one touching the baby but us..... He is a little paranoid.

Yeah...the first time I got out of the house I danced around like the nun in the sound of music.

The best part is I know he will break first. We love each other but we also get on each others nerves and about 4 hour together awake is our Max before we must separate. I talk to much now and I talk to other people all day.. He has no idea what he is trying to get himself into!!!!

Anonymom9 · August 2013

I hear what you're saying and do not think you're a b*tch, as I am planning more or less the same situation. However I do agree with PPs that your post was poorly worded. Justt because you choose to accept help and visitors does not in any way mean that you are incapable of caring for your own children or that you are not responsible enough to have had a child.

snickersforeveryone · August 2013

I think you know what you want. I will caution you against being too adamant that you don't want people to help though. We were prepared to have a baby. I felt called to be a mom like some people feel called to be doctors or preachers. Then my daughter was born. I still wanted to do things myself, but I was a wreck. She was a difficult baby and I questioned why I thought I could be a parent. There's a big difference in knowing things will be hard and actually living it. I never could have gotten through without the help of family.
I would also be careful about painting such broad strokes with your words. Your post came off pretty judgmental of those who do want help.

Jen4033 · August 2013

mrsashleyk said:

m88bloom said:

I will probably regret this but here we go anyway. This has been on my mind the last couple of days due to other posts. I for one am not having anyone in the hospital with me but SO. People can come visit the next day or if I deliver in the AM that night maybe (basically after I get some rest and some family time). Also, I have no intention of having people help me once I get home. SO is taking a week off and I'm sure I'll have some people stop over who didn't make it to the hospital (which will be more like I get to entertain) but that's all. I'm sure it would be much easier with help but I'm a big girl who can take care of her own children. I don't need anyone holding my hand for the first few months of my sons life. If I wasn't ready to take on the responsibility I wouldn't be having a child. Anyone else feel this way or am I being an insensitive bitch?

You're not a bitch for not wanting help. I do think it's kind of a dick move to imply that people that people who want help the first couple of months are irresponsible and should have waited until they were ready to do it alone to have children.

This.

We are fortunate where DH is off for the entire winter with his type of work, so having a previous December baby, I always had him there & will again this time.

I might have done just fine on my own the first time around, but I was glad to have his help. Just having another adult human being around is nice! If our pregnancy is timed differently next time, I will for sure want some one to come by to help with the 2 older kids.

It is never a sign of weakness to ask or accept help from others. I personally think it shows much courage to be able to say "I need help."

watercolor5 · August 2013

To each her own. I'm also not having anyone in the delivery room but DH, and that's what we did first time too. I absolutely will accept help from my mom, because I'll have a 15 month old who also needs to be taken care of while DH and I are at the hospital, and an extra pair of adult hands when we first get home for a week or so is incredibly helpful.

DH is starting a new job on Monday, so I don't expect he'll have much time off (ETA for paternity leave.) Hospital stays and birth is exhausting for mom and baby (and dad for that matter,) so having someone to help with my older child will be a lifesaver. It's not because I couldn't take care of my children without help, but honestly, the best help was having someone else to cook and clean and grocery shop while DH and I concentrate on our kids and bonding with the new baby. How helpful an individual will be to your family depends entirely on how good a relationship you have with them- you don't need someone who is only there to play with the new baby, you need someone who will help you get rest and keep your house in order.

katebusse · August 2013

DD is a Junebug, and mom is a teacher so spent the first 2 weeks with us since she had off. It was the most wonderful thing in the world because I literally didn't have to think about anything except feeding the baby. Meals, clothes, cleaning and lots of diapers were done for us because of how excited she was to play with her grandbaby. We're staying with my folks now, so it'll be 24/7 help again which is just lovely. Christmas parties and germs do make me exceedingly nervous though...

Regardless, it's your baby, your family and you should do what makes you the most comfortable. What works for one family doesn't necessarily work for another!

KFED103 · August 2013

esf60 said:

@mrsashleyk said:

@m88bloom said:

I will probably regret this but here we go anyway. This has been on my mind the last couple of days due to other posts. I for one am not having anyone in the hospital with me but SO. People can come visit the next day or if I deliver in the AM that night maybe (basically after I get some rest and some family time). Also, I have no intention of having people help me once I get home. SO is taking a week off and I'm sure I'll have some people stop over who didn't make it to the hospital (which will be more like I get to entertain) but that's all. I'm sure it would be much easier with help but I'm a big girl who can take care of her own children. I don't need anyone holding my hand for the first few months of my sons life. If I wasn't ready to take on the responsibility I wouldn't be having a child. Anyone else feel this way or am I being an insensitive bitch?

You're not a bitch for not wanting help. I do think it's kind of a dick move to imply that people that people who want help the first couple of months are irresponsible and should have waited until they were ready to do it alone to have children.

Seconded. Asking for help does not make one any less responsible or ready to parent a child.

Thirded. Is that even a word? Lol

MamaHanna · August 2013

esf60 said:

@mrsashleyk said:

@m88bloom said:

I will probably regret this but here we go anyway. This has been on my mind the last couple of days due to other posts. I for one am not having anyone in the hospital with me but SO. People can come visit the next day or if I deliver in the AM that night maybe (basically after I get some rest and some family time). Also, I have no intention of having people help me once I get home. SO is taking a week off and I'm sure I'll have some people stop over who didn't make it to the hospital (which will be more like I get to entertain) but that's all. I'm sure it would be much easier with help but I'm a big girl who can take care of her own children. I don't need anyone holding my hand for the first few months of my sons life. If I wasn't ready to take on the responsibility I wouldn't be having a child. Anyone else feel this way or am I being an insensitive bitch?
You're not a bitch for not wanting help. I do think it's kind of a dick move to imply that people that people who want help the first couple of months are irresponsible and should have waited until they were ready to do it alone to have children.
Seconded. Asking for help does not make one any less responsible or ready to parent a child.

I am with you! The only reason I am so "please no help" is because the only person who is available to help me is MIL and her idea of help is walking around saying "when was the last time you cleaned X" "You were planning on making what for dinner" "you use that kind of laundry soap...that's not a good kind"...etc. Then she makes things how she likes them, bitches about all of her hard work and how tired she is and if you don't basically fall at her feet and kiss her ring you are "unappreciative."Yeah I don't need that kind of help!

If you can get someone who will legitimately help you then why not! You just made another person and then pushed them out of your body! That shit is exhausting!

zou bisou · August 2013

Dh took a week off for the first week with baby #1. For that time it was just me, him and the baby, and that worked out ok. I had an uneventful vaginal delivery and was fine to take care of routine things. We had some visits from family and friends, but I have to say they weren't visits to help us. They came to see the baby and then left. That was ok, we didn't need the help.

So it was possible for us.

Anyone else feel this way or am I a bitch?

Re: Anyone else feel this way or am I a bitch?

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