Daddy's help needed

manda&jason · August 2013

My daughter is four weeks old and, while I have figured out what most of her cries and movements mean, her dad hasn't. He works in the third shift from 12 am to 8 am so by the time he gets home all the sleep issues she has at night have been taken care of. By this time, she is already asleep for 3/4 hours and he also has to get some sleep. He will change a diaper or two when I ask but usually goes on his video games or videos thinking, "Well, mama is right there." So instead of sleeping when she is I am then cleaning up the house after he leaves dishes out, doing the laundry he leaves around the house, cooking and cleaning up (not to mention errands outside the home). Then he goes to sleep about 10, an hour before she gets fussy again and I am the one taking care of her until 630/730/830, whenever he wakes up. He then doesn't do much for an hour because he is still tired so that's another feeding missed and the next one comes when he is packing up for work. All in all, he changes 2/3 diapers a day, does 3-6 feedings in a weeks and has dealt with a fussy little girl who refuses to close her eyes but isn't hungry once or twice (till I take over).
Sorry for all the explanation and details here but I want to know if I am overreacting by constantly demanding him helping me more. It seems that by the time I need help with her, he has either gone to sleep, sleeps through it, or has to be asked. He never just automatically takes over on the weekends like I have asked him to. It only gets worse when he complains about how tired he feels, and I just stare at him as if asking him, 'really?' I don't want to be mean about it but I feel like if nothing changes I may have to freak out on him to get my point across. Help!

VPGIRL06 · August 2013

So my DH even now only changes 5-7 diapers a week, maybe 3-4 feedings a week and probabley spends maybe 1-2 hours a week alone with her. And my dd is 23 weeks

But in the beginning, he would take a "shift" so I could sleep...for us it was the 8pm-12 am shift. It just mean that if she woke up during that time he would need to get up with her. Which means I would get at least 4 hours of sleep if she woke up at 1230 and he would get at least 7 hours of sleep if she woke up at 1130 for food. We bottlefed for his feeding. In the first 3 weeks she didn't sleep during that time but after 4 weeks she did.

I might ask him to take a "shift" in which he is responsible for her-wether she's awake or not-in which you can shower and nap or do what you want. He can even sleep durin it if she is but he is the one who has to get up with her then if she wakes up during his shift

Adavis358 · August 2013

My SO and I have worked it out to where I take care of baby on days that he works, but when he's off he does it all for the most part. Sometimes I still have to ask, but to get to this point I just had to talk to him about it.

MrsArrow · August 2013

My husband sometimes works from 8a to 9p...I dont usually ask him on those nights to help. We seem to have a pretty good system tho. I have come up with a schedule for me during the day so I can get things done and rest when I need to.
I will nurse him, let him do some tummy time while I eat breakfast, put him and myself down for a nap, nurse him, tummy time while I tidy the living room, throw load in the laundry, make some lunch, nurse, down for a nap, laundry, clean kitchen, prep dinner, nurse, put him in his swing while I fold laundry and talk/sing to him, On days I need to run errands (dry cleaning, shopping, etc...) I will take an afternoon nap instead of morning. Stores are not very busy at 9-11...and Starbucks and chick-fil-a drive-thru are my best friends on those days! I am BF and pump so on the errand days I have a bottle for him if the errands last longer than anticipated. But you can tailor this schedule to suit your lifestyle.

I actually dont grocery shop alone with him. On Saturday my DH will take him from when he gets up until I wake up, take a shower and eat breakfast (aside from BFing). Then we go shopping together, get a coffee, go out to lunch, etc...Same on Sunday with the exception of church instead of shopping. Hope this helps...sorry so long...just happy I actually have this schedule down (for the most part...babies are unpredictable). Just remember to take care of you and LO first. If all you could do that day was get you both dressed and fed and no one died/got hurt then you had a successful day!!

Good Luck!

momintraining2013 · August 2013

Obviously none of us can make our husbands change how they're acting. *sigh* So my suggestion would be to prioritize what you and your baby need. It can be such a struggle to know how to make best use of the time baby is asleep. When dishes and laundry are piling up it is so tempting to spend nap times cleaning. And sometimes that may be ok. But I'd encourage you to stop cleaning up after him. The house may get messy (drives me nuts!) but you need rest and if he won't help you get it, it's up to you to figure out how to. A well-rested and responsive mother is the best thing for baby. She won't know if the house is a mess.

More than likely, dad will come around and start helping out.

BSnipes35 · August 2013

I agree with the dad that posted. With DS1, DH was not super helpful until around 12 weeks when I went back to work. BUT, in my opinion, if you are not going to work, you should be taking the brunt of the child care. My DH is a fireman, so he works 24hrs and is off 48 hrs. But he also has a side job. No way was I going to ask him to get up with DS1. But that's my philosophy.

If you feel like your DH should be doing more, you'll need to talk to him. But only talk when you're not mad. As your LO gets older, he'll feel like he can do more as a dad. We have nine or ten months to bond with baby before we ever meet them. Give your DH some time.

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