How to handle when DD doesn't want to go to her Dad's house

bebe11 · August 2013

I have an ongoing struggle with my DD (she is almost 12 and going into 7th grade), she tries to find any and every excuse to not have to go to her Dad's house.

Until recently I've been pretty firm on not letting her call the shots. A couple of weeks ago, I did bend a little. She called me on a Wednesday night that she was at her Dad's house, crying. DD got into an argument with her Dad (he is a yeller), it turned into him telling DD that she can't have dinner and can starve (he did confirm he said this out of anger). The fight had noting to do with food either, it was just his way of being a jerk to her. Long story short my H ended up picking DD up at her Dad's house and DD stayed the following weekend with us, when it was her Dad's weekend. BD basically told me to keep her on his weekend because he didn't want to deal with her.

So since today is Wednesday, on cue my DD is begging me to let her stay at our house tonight. I talked to BD about the Wednesday nights and at first he agreed to drop them, that is until I said that we would need to update our parenting plan. Seems he just doesn't want to make it offical, because he knows that it will have an effect on his CS.

I guess my question is, what do I say to my DD when she starts begging me to stay. I don't want her to feel like I don't want her here, because that is not the case at all. Do I tell her that she needs to work it out with her Dad, do I tell her Dad she doesnt' want to go over there, or do I tell her that she has no choice... I don't want to make her Dad out to be the bad guy either. On the other hand, my DD also is treated like a lot differently than the gf's daughter and her little brother. One example is that she has to sleep on the floor, even when the gf's DD was not home they made her sleep on the floor and wouldn't allow her to sleep in the bed.

+just+j+ · August 2013

Your XH is an a$$hole. I am not one to say the child gets to dictate, but I would suggest modifying the visitation. Cut it back if she is so miserable going there. It's one thing to be a brat and not want to go, but this is more than that. She is pleading sincerely from the sounds of it and that is sign of something more serious that you should pay attention to and deal with.

Talk to you ex and take it from there.

Ginlyn0 · August 2013

I'm sorry your DD is going through that. However, I have heard of many kids being sent to their room without dinner as a punishment (even for fighting with the parent). That isn't a punishment I would ever use but it does happen and it seems like BD admitted his fault in that.

Our kids do not get a choice, they never will. They are to go to their other parents because it's not their choice and in an intact family, it wouldn't be a choice. And besides that we are legally obligated to obey the CO.

While it's difficult to see your child being treated differently than you would like them to be and even different than other children in the household, there's not much you can do in a blended family other than collect evidence and possibly get a change in CO. My DD didn't have a room for years at her BD's and slept on the couch then they made her share with her sister while leaving the other room as a playroom once they owned a 3 bedroom home. Now, they've moved their DD to her own room with her stuff and used DD's room as storage or I should say DD is allowed to sleep in the storage bedroom. His DD gets bday parties, DD gets a DVD 8 months after her birthday for her "forgotten" birthday present.

If you can start stacking up enough evidence in which a judge can grant a change go ahead and try to collect that; however, I would continue to encourage your DD to have a good relationship with her father in the meantime because otherwise, it could look badly on you in court. I wouldn't guarantee anything you mentioned would result in a CO change though.

Lavender P · August 2013

I'm sorry it's so hard for your DD, but I agree with Gin9874. She is 12 and it is a bad precedent to set for her to be able to come home or leave whenever she is in trouble or doesn't want to deal with something. Plus, it is so beneficial for a child to have a relationship with their dad and you don't want to seem like the one hindering it. She may be miserable being there at times, but I'm sure she is happy knowing her dad wants to see her and include her. There will be so many more issues in the future if she feels like she never had a relationship with her dad, especially for a young girl's self esteem. If you keep allowing her to get out of visitation she is going to keep fussing and crying over. Teenagers are like toddlers in tht of they know they bug you enough you will give in. If she knows that there isn't a chance of it, she will stop asking. I would tell her that she is always welcome in your house but she has to go to her dad's and that it isn't negotiable. If she is 12 she should on some level be able to communicate what she needs to BD to make things better for her. She may or may not get it but it will give her a little bit of practice in saying what she is feeling, and what she needs.

bebe11 · August 2013

gin9874 said:

I'm sorry your DD is going through that. However, I have heard of many kids being sent to their room without dinner as a punishment (even for fighting with the parent). That isn't a punishment I would ever use but it does happen and it seems like BD admitted his fault in that.
Our kids do not get a choice, they never will. They are to go to their other parents because it's not their choice and in an intact family, it wouldn't be a choice. And besides that we are legally obligated to obey the CO.
While it's difficult to see your child being treated differently than you would like them to be and even different than other children in the household, there's not much you can do in a blended family other than collect evidence and possibly get a change in CO. My DD didn't have a room for years at her BD's and slept on the couch then they made her share with her sister while leaving the other room as a playroom once they owned a 3 bedroom home. Now, they've moved their DD to her own room with her stuff and used DD's room as storage or I should say DD is allowed to sleep in the storage bedroom. His DD gets bday parties, DD gets a DVD 8 months after her birthday for her "forgotten" birthday present.
If you can start stacking up enough evidence in which a judge can grant a change go ahead and try to collect that; however, I would continue to encourage your DD to have a good relationship with her father in the meantime because otherwise, it could look badly on you in court. I wouldn't guarantee anything you mentioned would result in a CO change though.

I agree with what you are saying. And I wouldn't go against our CO, which I why I always ask BD if she can stay and 99.9% of the time he says yes. I never just keep her, I always make sure it is ok.

I don't think the issues that my DD has at her Dad's are enough for me to justify taking him to court over and I am just not like that anyway. If she was being abused, that would be a different story.

bebe11 · August 2013

Lavender P said:

I'm sorry it's so hard for your DD, but I agree with Gin9874. She is 12 and it is a bad precedent to set for her to be able to come home or leave whenever she is in trouble or doesn't want to deal with something. Plus, it is so beneficial for a child to have a relationship with their dad and you don't want to seem like the one hindering it. She may be miserable being there at times, but I'm sure she is happy knowing her dad wants to see her and include her. There will be so many more issues in the future if she feels like she never had a relationship with her dad, especially for a young girl's self esteem. If you keep allowing her to get out of visitation she is going to keep fussing and crying over. Teenagers are like toddlers in tht of they know they bug you enough you will give in. If she knows that there isn't a chance of it, she will stop asking. I would tell her that she is always welcome in your house but she has to go to her dad's and that it isn't negotiable. If she is 12 she should on some level be able to communicate what she needs to BD to make things better for her. She may or may not get it but it will give her a little bit of practice in saying what she is feeling, and what she needs.

I also agree. It really is just the Wednesday nights that we have problems with. I never let her stay home on his EOW, with the exception of the weekend that HE didn't want her to be there. Plus mama looks forward to those quiet weekends

mobilejen · August 2013

I would let her know that she needs to work it out with her dad & that it's important for her to be with both parents. She is at the age where she may be manipulating to get what she wants. It may be you that she has a power struggle with next week & I'm sure you'd want your ex to back you up.

I would however, take up the issue of sleeping on the floor, but do it privately, with your ex, not in front of your daughter. Although she does not need her own room, she should have a proper bed to sleep in. Request that he get her one, so that she feels more at home.

Mkherren12 · August 2013

I agree with the previous points made and while I'm not here yet I know I will be one day. I also know that I'm not going to send my dd someplace she's not wanted, just to be ignored and pushed to the side. My DD's sm makes it clear she wishes my daughter never existed so she could pretend I didn't and then she would have a perfect happy family. She has had professional family pictures made without my dd in them. Her dad doesn't stand up for her to try and include her or make her feel wanted. When she starts to express to me she doesn't want to go I will first advise her to talk things out with her dad and tell him how she feels. My next step will be for the 3 of us to talk about it. Then if that doesn't work ill talk to him myself. To me at that point I've tried to help fix this relationship and if my dd still wants to stop going then i won't make her. Luckily my XH's parents are huge advocates for her in his house and will stand up to SM when she out of line. Let me also add that Sm is not harmful physically just hurtful with her actions.

bebe11 · August 2013

Mkherren12 said:

I agree with the previous points made and while I'm not here yet I know I will be one day. I also know that I'm not going to send my dd someplace she's not wanted, just to be ignored and pushed to the side. My DD's sm makes it clear she wishes my daughter never existed so she could pretend I didn't and then she would have a perfect happy family. She has had professional family pictures made without my dd in them. Her dad doesn't stand up for her to try and include her or make her feel wanted. When she starts to express to me she doesn't want to go I will first advise her to talk things out with her dad and tell him how she feels. My next step will be for the 3 of us to talk about it. Then if that doesn't work ill talk to him myself. To me at that point I've tried to help fix this relationship and if my dd still wants to stop going then i won't make her. Luckily my XH's parents are huge advocates for her in his house and will stand up to SM when she out of line. Let me also add that Sm is not harmful physically just hurtful with her actions.

I am so sorry for your DD. Yea there have been several times where my DD was hurt by things that she was not included in. Some of the more recent ones were Disneyland, ( and my DD has an annual pass, so it wouldn't of cost them a dime to take her), Legoland, the circus and the worst part is they TELL her they are doing these things, but don't include her. I shouldn't say they, it is usually ex's girlfriend.

grumbledore · August 2013

Mkherren12 said:

I agree with the previous points made and while I'm not here yet I know I will be one day. I also know that I'm not going to send my dd someplace she's not wanted, just to be ignored and pushed to the side. My DD's sm makes it clear she wishes my daughter never existed so she could pretend I didn't and then she would have a perfect happy family. She has had professional family pictures made without my dd in them. Her dad doesn't stand up for her to try and include her or make her feel wanted. When she starts to express to me she doesn't want to go I will first advise her to talk things out with her dad and tell him how she feels. My next step will be for the 3 of us to talk about it. Then if that doesn't work ill talk to him myself. To me at that point I've tried to help fix this relationship and if my dd still wants to stop going then i won't make her. Luckily my XH's parents are huge advocates for her in his house and will stand up to SM when she out of line. Let me also add that Sm is not harmful physically just hurtful with her actions.

1) Sometimes you don't have a choice.

2) And the second step, imo, should be to talk to her dad, without her present, and discuss the issue like adults (frankly, depending on her age, I would likely do this first).

3) IMO, you should make her go if you have a court order.

I understand where you are coming from, and I think we probably all do. It sucks having to put a court order before your kid's feelings. It fucking sucks. But it's the right thing to do. If the treatment is bad enough to warrant breaking the court order, then take dad to court and change the order. If it isn't bad enough to warrant breaking the order, take her to counseling so she can learn to deal with the issues.

Kids should not be making decisions about where they live and who takes care of them. It gives them too much power and it makes them responsible for the outcome of those decisions, neither of which is a good thing.

CFjo2010 · August 2013

bebe11 said:

Lavender P said:

I'm sorry it's so hard for your DD, but I agree with Gin9874. She is 12 and it is a bad precedent to set for her to be able to come home or leave whenever she is in trouble or doesn't want to deal with something. Plus, it is so beneficial for a child to have a relationship with their dad and you don't want to seem like the one hindering it. She may be miserable being there at times, but I'm sure she is happy knowing her dad wants to see her and include her. There will be so many more issues in the future if she feels like she never had a relationship with her dad, especially for a young girl's self esteem. If you keep allowing her to get out of visitation she is going to keep fussing and crying over. Teenagers are like toddlers in tht of they know they bug you enough you will give in. If she knows that there isn't a chance of it, she will stop asking. I would tell her that she is always welcome in your house but she has to go to her dad's and that it isn't negotiable. If she is 12 she should on some level be able to communicate what she needs to BD to make things better for her. She may or may not get it but it will give her a little bit of practice in saying what she is feeling, and what she needs.

I also agree. It really is just the Wednesday nights that we have problems with. I never let her stay home on his EOW, with the exception of the weekend that HE didn't want her to be there. Plus mama looks forward to those quiet weekends

Oh man, I am so not looking forward to this battle. Even at 7, we have times when K asks if she can just stay here with us instead of going back to Gma's (and I'm sure she asks BM if she can stay instead of coming over here). It's totally normal with kids, I think.

I agree that at 12 it's time fore kids to start speaking up. And while I understand DD is speaking up to you, she needs to speak up with her Dad. He needs to hear from DD why she doesn't want to go over there. I may have missed it, are Wednesday nights overnight visits or just dinner visits? Maybe the overnight is just too much for her in the middle of the week?

If the visits are CO'd, then they need to happen. I'm wondering though if there's a compromise you can all be happy with. If the Wednesday visits are only dinner visits, would it be possible to make the non-BD-weekend Wednesday (does that make sense?) be an overnight, and the week when she'll be there for the weekend she can forgo the visit? Meaning: this weekend she's not with BD so she would spend the night tonight; next weekend she is with BD so the Wednesday visit doesn't occur. Again, I feel that the visits need to continue, but at her age I think it's ok to give her a little bit of an opinion on how the visits happen.

bebe11 · August 2013

jobalchak said:

bebe11 said:

Lavender P said:

I'm sorry it's so hard for your DD, but I agree with Gin9874. She is 12 and it is a bad precedent to set for her to be able to come home or leave whenever she is in trouble or doesn't want to deal with something. Plus, it is so beneficial for a child to have a relationship with their dad and you don't want to seem like the one hindering it. She may be miserable being there at times, but I'm sure she is happy knowing her dad wants to see her and include her. There will be so many more issues in the future if she feels like she never had a relationship with her dad, especially for a young girl's self esteem. If you keep allowing her to get out of visitation she is going to keep fussing and crying over. Teenagers are like toddlers in tht of they know they bug you enough you will give in. If she knows that there isn't a chance of it, she will stop asking. I would tell her that she is always welcome in your house but she has to go to her dad's and that it isn't negotiable. If she is 12 she should on some level be able to communicate what she needs to BD to make things better for her. She may or may not get it but it will give her a little bit of practice in saying what she is feeling, and what she needs.

I also agree. It really is just the Wednesday nights that we have problems with. I never let her stay home on his EOW, with the exception of the weekend that HE didn't want her to be there. Plus mama looks forward to those quiet weekends

Oh man, I am so not looking forward to this battle. Even at 7, we have times when K asks if she can just stay here with us instead of going back to Gma's (and I'm sure she asks BM if she can stay instead of coming over here). It's totally normal with kids, I think.

I agree that at 12 it's time fore kids to start speaking up. And while I understand DD is speaking up to you, she needs to speak up with her Dad. He needs to hear from DD why she doesn't want to go over there. I may have missed it, are Wednesday nights overnight visits or just dinner visits? Maybe the overnight is just too much for her in the middle of the week?

If the visits are CO'd, then they need to happen. I'm wondering though if there's a compromise you can all be happy with. If the Wednesday visits are only dinner visits, would it be possible to make the non-BD-weekend Wednesday (does that make sense?) be an overnight, and the week when she'll be there for the weekend she can forgo the visit? Meaning: this weekend she's not with BD so she would spend the night tonight; next weekend she is with BD so the Wednesday visit doesn't occur. Again, I feel that the visits need to continue, but at her age I think it's ok to give her a little bit of an opinion on how the visits happen.

The Wednseday visits are over night visits. Our CO isn't really court ordered, it is an agreement that exH and I came to an agreement on in 2007, but we did file the paperwork with our divorce, so it can be enforced.

CFjo2010 · August 2013

@bebe11 I'm really thinking then that the Wednesday overnights are a bit too much back and forth for her. That said, maybe it's time to sit down with DD and BD and see what's bothering her. Maybe it's possible for a compromise that keeps DD somewhat happy, and still gives BD time with her.

bebe11 · August 2013

jobalchak said:

@bebe11 I'm really thinking then that the Wednesday overnights are a bit too much back and forth for her. That said, maybe it's time to sit down with DD and BD and see what's bothering her. Maybe it's possible for a compromise that keeps DD somewhat happy, and still gives BD time with her.

He was willing to compromise until I asked for it to be made official and update our parenting agreement to reflect it.

I've also told her that she needs to express her feeling to her Dad and she has in the past only for him and his gf to get mad at her. So now she is scared to talk to him about it. It really is a no win with these people.

+just+j+ · August 2013

How about you, XH, and her sitting down to discuss it together? Again, your XH and his girlfriend are asses.

hopanka · August 2013

Your ex sounds like a bully. He knows he has power over your daughter and he mis-uses it. He intimidates her by yelling at her and by throwing his weight around in his house. Yeah - I would not encourage your DD to try and speak her feelings to her asshole dad anymore, because it's a no win situation for her. This is not like standing up to a kid bully at school. You would be setting her up for failure and more hurt because they are not on a level-playing field. It's like throwing her into a lion's den. And before somebody starts defending this dick, he makes his daughter sleep on the floor and lets the bitch in his house make her feel inferior. Who brags to a kid where they're taking the other kid to in order to upset them? The answer is: only a bitch and an asshole do. The end. Only you know your kid, whether she's manipulative or if she's truly suffering there. It sounds like it's the latter.

In this case, I would protect your DD. He wants to drop Wednesdays, but doesn't want to make it official? Class act - asshole....ok, have it your way. Don't make it official, protect your dd, and keep her home on Wednesdays. He doesn't want her there anyway, he just wants to be a prick and make sure he doesn't have to give you anymore $$. Fine. Let him have his pitiful money for his pitiful self.

At least you'll have a peace of mind that you're standing up for your kid.

One last thing: relationships with parents are very important...but only to the extend where the relationship doesn't cause more harm than good. This little girl may end up with a lot of insecurity and self esteem issues because her father has been showing her this entire time that she is not that important.

Nineoceans · August 2013

The sleeping on the floor stuff sounds borderline abusive. At 12 they may let your DD speak in court so I would just tell your ex you're going to file unless he agrees to adjust the parenting plan on his own.

Yelling, starving and sleeping on the floor sound like its not in her emotional well being to visit him until he gets some serious counseling

twister22 · August 2013

I only read the first two replies, so sorry if this has already been said. If BD has agreed to unofficially drop the Wednesday nights, why don't you just go ahead and do that? After a year or so of him not taking the Wednesday night visits, you can tell BD that you would like it to be put in the parenting plan - either through you both voluntarily agreeing to it, or you file a motion in the court. Either way it will be changed through the pattern that has already been established.

Pamelacake · August 2013

I feel so bad for your DD and totally agree that your X is an ass.

I don't know where it is where you live but my sister just went through updating a C/O for her XH to see their 2 kids. The judge made my sister go to his home to approve it and then they had another court date. He had no place for the kids to sleep but the floor with no carpet. Her X was ordered to get them at the very least air mattresses to sleep on and new blankets.

I really hope things get better for your DD. I'm sorry both of you are going through this. Leaving her out like that and rubbing it in her face is just horrible!

DaringMiss · August 2013

You guys need professional help.

Your daughter is old enough to clearly articulate her feelings to a therapist. She needs to have a few sessions with a therapist to clearly outline what her grievances are.

Then your ex needs to come in to talk to the therapist alone (no wife or girlfriend) and get to say his piece, talk about his home situation and his expectations.

Then your ex and your daughter should have a meeting with the therapist as mediator to discuss reasonable strategies for visits. By making them work it out with an objective third party and NOT YOU, both of them will learn to communicate (hopefully without yelling) about their needs and expectations.

Now, I have a feeling that your ex will probably refuse to participate in the process. If he does refuse, it is time to go to court and mediate out another custody agreement.

I would clarify the bed issue. No child should have to sleep on the floor when a bed is available. There are always exceptions, but those should never be more than a night or two.

I have a feeling that your husband is having difficulty with dealing with a teenager. Tough! When he complains, tell him that parenting isn't something that you just get to do when it is easy or convenient. Being a teenager is tough...being a parent of a teenager is tough.

JessH1474 · August 2013

The sleeping situation is just not acceptable. We have a 3 bedroom home with two DD's together and SS12. Our DD's share a room so SS can have his own even though he is only with us EOW. I could never imagine having him come over and making him feel like that is not his home. I think that is something you should talk to exh about no matter what you decide with the court order. As a previous poster suggested, even an air mattress is better than the floor if he is tight for space. Good luck and I hope everything gets better for your DD!

queenteresa30 · October 2013

I am in a very similar situation with my 12 yr old DD. I feel for you, and for the most part agree with what others on here have said. I'd just like to add one little thing that I haven't seen or maybe missed. Document everything !!! Get a calendar and keep track of it. If it comes down to going back to court, you'll have exact info and dates judges like that. I very much agree with the therapy suggestions, and hope that it goes better for you than us. My DD refuses to express her opinions to her father even there cause she is afraid of him yelling at her.

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