I need help talking to my husband about finances and life in general- vent and long.

sweetsunnyc · August 2013

Hi All-<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

This post may be TMI, but I am stuck. My husband and I are heading down a bad road with finances, credit and money management-

I have posted about this before and I have appreciated the suggestions that I have received, but my husband is not receptive to anything. To lay the situation out, we both make good money, but we are just barely getting by each month. We do have a few high payments that cannot be changed (student loans, car loans, tuition/childcare) but we do not live outside of our means. My husband works from home too, so he is able to provide the majority of the care for the baby (we have three daughters 14, 5 and 8 months)

We went to see a credit counselor a few weeks ago and basically, she told us that it was really up to my husband to make credit repairs as mine is good. His low score is due to student loans being paid late (one time only, but it was recent) and she let him know about different programs that are available where people can work with the student loan providers and they can reverse the late fees. This would help his score drastically, but he has not made any calls to do anything about it. He also has the opportunity to be teaching some adjunct classes in the fall which would help our financial situation out drastically, but he is not doing anything about that either. In his words, he's too busy. Here's the deal- him and his dad started a small company a few years ago and, at this point, I don't know if it's going to fly. Which that's a whole different source of stress because I don't know what we would do- that's why I want him to teach so at least we have that going if this other business doesn't make it.

The problem is that every time that I try to talk to him about any of these issues, he gets so angry and tells me that essentially he is too busy to handle anything- even making a simple call to try and get the student loans straightened out. I work full time too, manage all of the bills and do the majority of the care for the girls. And I still manage to find time to make important calls and do what I need to do keep life on track. He's just become so angry and defensive- I don't even know how to talk to him about important issues. And god forbid I ask him to do anything extra like laundry- he's just too busy! I'm just afraid that we are going to be in a bad spot soon and I want to be able to have a plan in place, but we can't communicate.

I don't even know if this post is coherent- I just needed to say it all.

Any advice would be appriciated.

CrazyLife3 · August 2013

If I asked my husband to do those things he would get angry too. I basically get him on the phone with the financial institution to give permission to speak to me and I do it all. I do what is best for our family and don't even tell him about it unless he asks.

Curls218 · August 2013

DH and I come up with To Do lists and then break it down into who is doing what. Things like teaching the class obviously falls to him, but the extra laundry, or making a call to the student loan people is something that could be divided. If he's home all day with the 3 kids and doing his job, it's possible that he IS too busy. If I didn't get a lunch break I would get nothing done for my personal life. But I think broaching the subject nicely and splitting the responsibilities might be a good way to go about this.

LoCarb · August 2013

I wouldn't do the work for him. I did the work for my H, essentially, having another child and bc of which he's now an ExH.

You have tried talking to him and he's not receptive. Having a discussion while someone is heated and defensive will often exasperate any feelings. My advice-write it down in a letter. Not a to-do list. Express your concerns over the finances and how its effecting your family. Tell him of your dreams to be debt free and spending the cash in other places like a vacation. He can read it on his own time, but I would ask him to read it within 24 hrs.and provide a response. Schedule a time to discuss the letter the following day. Ask him to write down a plan of attack with deadlines. You can use this to follow through and cross off tasks.

BTDT-on marrying a procrastinator who was too 'busy' to do anything. I can sympathize. Finances and chores are top reasons couples argue. You're normal and you can get past this obstacle but it takes two to work on issues.

Last resort-offer alternatives like taking your name off joint loans ie. mortgage so your score will not be effected. Be careful how you word/ approach this as it can be a hot topic and not meant to start an argument.

thedash · August 2013

Maybe working from home and caring for your 8 month old is genuinely too much. If a mom came on here saying she wanted to run a business from home without getting childcare for her 8 month old we would all tell her she is nuts! Is at least part-time childcare an option?

LoCarb · August 2013

Maybe working from home and caring for your 8 month old is genuinely too much. If a mom came on here saying she wanted to run a business from home without getting childcare for her 8 month old we would all tell her she is nuts! Is at least part-time childcare an option?
This is a great point. Also, if he needs time to make phone calls can you ask for family or a neighbor to help out for an hr?

sweetsunnyc · August 2013

Thank you for the advice everyone-

I should have clarified that our older girls are in school all day and the baby is in daycare 1 full day per week- this is my husbands choice to help us save money. I have offered up alternatives so he didn't have to watch her 4 days out of the week and he has shot them down.

He also can work at night, so he does that most evenings when I get home.

aglenn · August 2013

Would he be open to working with a financial planner? I think you two need to get on the same page with your goals and objectives, then establish a budget. It might help it seem less overwhelming, and you'd have an impartial professional helping you figure out what the priorities need to be.

TheBorg7of9 · August 2013

I'm sorry. It's really hard to deal with a stubborn dh. Sounds like he's really stressed.
I do have one idea. For budgeting, we just started using a program called you need a budget and it's working well so far.

StayingSecret · August 2013

If he isn't willing to do anything to increase income, I don't think you'll have a choice.

But really...his credit score can't be ridiculously low because of 1 late payment, no matter how recent it is. I mean, he could see about getting it removed, but I doubt his score is a 550 and will sky rocket to 800 just because of 1 late payment being removed.

He has to want to change and it sounds like he's content as he is.

DiveFrog · August 2013

I am going to try and clarify your post a bit. Which is really what I think you need to communicate to your H.

1) You feel uncomfortable with your current financial system and situation. You are stressed you do not have a large enough cushion/safety net every month and maybe altogether.

2) Again you feel discouraged/trapped by your husband's low credit score. You feel that if changes were made to your family's financial management his score would improve and the both of you would have more options in regards to available credit should it be needed for (house, car etc.)

3) You are very anxious and stressed about H's business and the lack of security and unknown income it provides.

These seem to be the root of all the financial "problems" you are having with your H. You have laid out your answers to these problems, but it doesn't seem that your DH also feels the same way, either about them being issues, or about your proposed solutions.

I think the first step (and putting things in a letter may be a great way to communicate with him) is making him understand how these issues make you feel. That they are VERY real to you and effecting your mental and emotional health.

Once you get him to understand and realize the magnitude of these issues, that they are not just a "To Do List" he is too busy to get to, then sit down with him and discuss possible solutions. Don't just say H you need to (teach classes, make phone call etc). Instead say here is what I think we could do to solve these issues. What do you think? do you have any alternative ideas? If he is part of developing the answers he will be invested in executing them.

And make sure once you decide on an action plan that it is clear who is going to be responsible for which tasks and when they will be completed by.

MidwestGidget · August 2013

In regards to your first problem, try framing it in a different way. Ask something like "How can I help you get your late fees reversed? It's important for both of us that this gets done, and I want to help." My DH wants to solve a problem, not be "attacked" (which is how he takes a simple "when are you planning on calling?" question).

In terms of the teaching, I'd back off, at least for now. It sounds like he wouldn't drop any other responsibilities in for teaching, so you're basically asking him to work a second job. I'd get defensive about that too.

SoMoNY · August 2013

If he works from home why not get rid of car loan and buy something with cash?

That car payment could then go towards student loan balance

sweetsunnyc · August 2013

LoCarb said:

I wouldn't do the work for him. I did the work for my H, essentially, having another child and bc of which he's now an ExH.

You have tried talking to him and he's not receptive. Having a discussion while someone is heated and defensive will often exasperate any feelings. My advice-write it down in a letter. Not a to-do list. Express your concerns over the finances and how its effecting your family. Tell him of your dreams to be debt free and spending the cash in other places like a vacation. He can read it on his own time, but I would ask him to read it within 24 hrs.and provide a response. Schedule a time to discuss the letter the following day. Ask him to write down a plan of attack with deadlines. You can use this to follow through and cross off tasks.

BTDT-on marrying a procrastinator who was too 'busy' to do anything. I can sympathize. Finances and chores are top reasons couples argue. You're normal and you can get past this obstacle but it takes two to work on issues.

Last resort-offer alternatives like taking your name off joint loans ie. mortgage so your score will not be effected. Be careful how you word/ approach this as it can be a hot topic and not meant to start an argument.

Writing a letter is a great idea- I think that a lot gets lost in translation when we get angry during a discussion and people shut down when they get defensive. The letter is a good way to put ideas down in a calm, clear headed way- thank you for the suggestion.

sweetsunnyc · August 2013

DiveFrog said:

I am going to try and clarify your post a bit. Which is really what I think you need to communicate to your H.
1) You feel uncomfortable with your current financial system and situation. You are stressed you do not have a large enough cushion/safety net every month and maybe altogether.
2) Again you feel discouraged/trapped by your husband's low credit score. You feel that if changes were made to your family's financial management his score would improve and the both of you would have more options in regards to available credit should it be needed for (house, car etc.)
3) You are very anxious and stressed about H's business and the lack of security and unknown income it provides.
These seem to be the root of all the financial "problems" you are having with your H. You have laid out your answers to these problems, but it doesn't seem that your DH also feels the same way, either about them being issues, or about your proposed solutions.
I think the first step (and putting things in a letter may be a great way to communicate with him) is making him understand how these issues make you feel. That they are VERY real to you and effecting your mental and emotional health.
Once you get him to understand and realize the magnitude of these issues, that they are not just a "To Do List" he is too busy to get to, then sit down with him and discuss possible solutions. Don't just say H you need to (teach classes, make phone call etc). Instead say here is what I think we could do to solve these issues. What do you think? do you have any alternative ideas? If he is part of developing the answers he will be invested in executing them.
And make sure once you decide on an action plan that it is clear who is going to be responsible for which tasks and when they will be completed by.

Thanks for clarifying my thoughts- I think that I wrote the post in such a huff, I was really just thinking out loud. You are right on as to what the major concerns are- I do feel very uncomfortable with the current financial situation and trapped by the credit score- we have a lot of goals, as a couple and individually, that we are unable to reach right now because of the situation- It's a bad feeling. Thank you for giving some great pointers about working together.

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