Husband vent (andreahshields)

ProfessorPedals825 · August 2013

I need to take a deep breath... so some of you know, I'm the breadwinner in the family and DH is in school full time. I have no problem with this, but money is tight. P was in daycare part time and will start full time next Monday when school starts for DH. That makes money even tighter. It's so bad that DH gets mad when I want to go out to eat, saying we can't afford it. He even called his mother last week and said we may not be able visit her at Christmas because we can't afford the flight. I overheard this and immediately said "We're going! It's Christmas!".

Ok, so all of this is no big deal. I can handle it, but last night DH was talking about this bike trip he wants to take. It's a 4 1/2 hr drive and he'll be gone all Labor weekend. I sighed and said that while I have no problem with this, I would like to see him put forth more effort to look for a part time job to help pay for things like this. He lost it! I can't believe what a child he turned into! He said he can't believe I'm bringing up money again, and that he's not getting a job because he needs to focus on school. I understand that and I want him to do well, but what am I supposed to think here? That it's okay for him to go and spend this money on a biking weekend, but I can't go out to eat after working all day? I'm so mad I could just scream. He finally dropped it and said something along the lines of "Fine, I guess I can't have any fun because I don't make any money". I didn't say it, but I was thinking I guess it's not fun spending Labor weekend with your wife, baby girl, and dog?

Sorry for the novel, but does anybody have any suggestions for approaching the money subject with somebody like this? If I had a higher paying job, I really wouldn't mind him going on this trip. It's not about him not making any money, it's about a budget that we've created together that doesn't get followed and watching our savings dwindle away.

ProfessorPedals825 · August 2013

@RachaelA I asked him this too before we decided to go to full time. He said he needs to make sure he has time to do homework and study during the day so that he can spend evenings home with us. Last semester, he would leave for the day around 9am and not get back until 9pm. It sucked! I need to help him look at the potential classes for next semester so that maybe we can go back to part time with the right schedule.

MJM3108 · August 2013

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Financial stress and budgets are the biggest thing most couples fight about... I totally agree with you, and I think your anger is completely justified. There is really no reason your DH can't get a part time job to help out.
Sometimes we have to buckle down and do sh!t we don't want to do to better our situation and take care of our family. Sorry to say, H, but you need to contribute financially if you want to play!

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melly918 · August 2013

I have been in your shoes. DH quit a job he didn't like in order to attend graduate school full-time. Then I had my m/c and my back went out so it was additional stress on him to take care of me and DS. He felt he couldn't focus on school and was falling behind so he dropped out of the program. He wasn't working at that time so I would not pressure your DH to get a part-time job if he feels he cannot handle it on top of the school load and family time. Remember, this is only temporary and things will get better. On another note, could he find a part-time job on campus? Sometimes they let you do a "work-study" or at least make it easier for him to stay in one place, attend classes and work somewhere on the campus. Can't hurt. GL. I feel your pain, I really do. Even right now, he's still looking for a job. We have two kids, I took the summer off from work. Money is tight, but we are making it work by being careful but at the same time, we let each other have fun.

ProfessorPedals825 · August 2013

It's a 2nd undergrad degree. He already has a degree but can't find a job in his field.

minicheezburg · August 2013

Not trying to be rude but, he needs some big boy panties! I work full time, go to school (online) and take care of D while DH is at work. Plus we also just bought a house that we are working on. He can handle a PT job. I hope he bucks up and sees he can help.

orangegoggles · August 2013

I have to agree with the others here. The only exceptions that would make me feel differently are if he has some kind of learning disability that makes homework/studying more difficult, working on his masters or Doctorate, or taking more than the typical 30 credits.

Tons of people take classes while working, many even full time. I'd become involved in choosing his classes because he shouldn't be gone from 9-9 for an undergrad degree. He should have plenty of time to fit in all his school work if he's sticking to a schedule and not wasting time. Id also look into some online classes. Lastly, I'd remind him that while it would be nice for him to be able to get all his work done during the day, it's not realistic. He will likely have to finish it after DD goes to bed if he doesnt want to miss family time.

It takes a lot of sacrifices to work on your degree full time and this is one of them. A bike trip isn't a must do..but it seems like he wants to pick and choose what to do with money and while visiting family for Christmas isn't as important to him, it is for you.

MickeyM04 · August 2013

I have to agree with everyone else and say if money is that tight that he's not even comfortable going out to eat once in awhile, then he needs to get a part time job. PLENTY of people do it. I mean heck, my sister's boyfriend works full time and is in law school part-time. Unless he's taking like 40 credit hours or something (I'm sure he's not), there's plenty of time for him to get at least a part time job.

Here's what I would say if it were me, "I would like to know how it is possible for money to be so tight we can't go out to dinner, but it's not tight to the point where you can't go away for the weekend?" First I would want that explained. Then, I'm sorry, but tough s**t. If he isn't working and you are the breadwinner, then he does not get as much of a say in the finances. I cannot imagine if I was unemployed saying to my DH that I was going out of town for the weekend. I mean that's basically your money he's using to go on vacation, which is especially BS when he says you guys can't even go out to eat.

I mean really I am pissed at your husband right now, because that is BS. I think he needs to put his big boy panties on (as echoed by PP's) and realize if he isn't contributing financially, then yeah, he doesn't get to do whatever he wants financially, like go out of town for the weekend. Sorry, but he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. I totally respect if he is trying to get you guys to stick to an eating out budget or whatever, I think that's very responsible. But it goes both ways. It is complete BS for you to work full-time, then not be able to spend the money that YOU earned to be able to go out to dinner, as a family, but then it is fine for DH to spend that same money on a weekend with his friends.

I think you need to tell it like it is, honestly. I had that fight with DH plenty of times when I was working full-time after law school and he was only working on a contract basis. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

ProfessorPedals825 · August 2013

I can't thank you ladies enough for all of your input. You're all so great to listen to my concerns and let me be heard. Now I just need to get DH to listen too! We've managed through almost 13 years together and we've simply hit a rough financial patch. I know his going back to school will help us in the long run, but he does need to realize that we need help now too. I will make sure to tell it like it is and still try not to hurt his manly pride. We'll get through it and thank you again from the bottom of my heart!

jbranden12 · August 2013

I can empathize as we are in a similar situation. After Patricia died my DH quit working to go to school. My salary can support the basics and a little extra, but I wanted him to get a part time job to keep adding to savings since we wanted to ttc again right away. He initially agreed but kept dragging his feet because he only wanted a job that would be in his new field of interest. Finally, I just had to accept that it wasn't going to happen. This was hard for me because I worked full time while going to school full time to get my master's and got a 4.0. But I didn't marry DH because he is an academic superstar like I am.

Things got a lot better once I accepted it. He took on more of the duties at home, like cooking and laundry, and he made sure to do his schoolwork between 8-5 while I was at work most of the time. This let us have the evenings and weekends free to spend together and once I got pregnant again, he could focus on me when I was home.

Now, DH and my mom share Anna while I am at work. This fall, he arranged his schedule so he is in class 2 days a week. My mom will have Anna those two days and one more as needed so DH can study and he will have her the other days. He still does the cooking and the laundry (even diaper laundry!).

DH does feel guilty some days, and I do feel resentful some days, especially since I am very unhappy with my career right now. But we both know it is the best thing for Anna. Neither of us are big spenders or have expensive hobbies but we each get our little treats now and then. I try to imagine the situation in reverse and wouldn't want him on my case if I spend money on myself or Anna, so I try not to get on his case if he buys a bottle of his favorite whiskey every once in a while.

This is getting long, but I recommend you both sit down and see if you can re-work schedules or duties to make things a little better for you.

densquared · August 2013

RachaelA said:

Um.... I worked full 30+ hours a week and went to college full time (regularly taking the mass course load). I graduated with a 3.7. It can be done. School doesn't take up every single second of every single day. He's being a big ass baby and I'd be inclined to be like "yep! until you get a part time job and contribute to our household, you don't get to just take off for entire weekends. time to act like an adult!"

I did the same! It really can be done. Also, not to be a b!tch, but how is there money for a weekend long bike ride, but not for Christmas with the family. Sometimes boys are really stupid!

martinimomma · August 2013

Agree with the PPs. I worked full time while going to law school at night, and while it was easier because I did not have a family at the time, it was do-able and I was able to carve out a resaonable amount of time to see family and friends -- which now would be time with my family if that was my situation. So it can be done.

As for prioritizing a leisure trip over family holiday plans (or maybe even giving you a bit of a break for a few hours on a holiday weekend) I like Peanut's approach of looking for a basic explanation of his rationale, and building on the discussion from there. Any trip like that -- regardless of cost -- would need to be a discussion between DH and I before it got scheduled. Not that I control his life or his calendar, but anything that places a disproportionate family burden on one or the other of us is something we discuss in advance. Also there's the $$ piece. For example, he loves music and goes to a couple multi-day concerts (both local) every summer. Once DS was born, this became a disucssion point in advance so that we could prevent remorse or aggravation later. Last year, that meant he electively skipped one day of one concert, which saved $$ and let him see DS and me have help for that day. This year, we talked about it and I told him to go and enjoy himself as once LO arrives, next summer will be more of a planning obstacle.

There's no easy answer, but in looking for communication you are taking an important first step. Good luck!

katigox · August 2013

DH and I spent our college years stretched out, between him working, and me going to college or vice versa as long as we could. But there were years were one of us worked as well as going to college (just depended on the better paying job at the time, commute times, etc.).

Even now, choosing to be a SAHM comes with financial sacrifices that I'm willing to make and accept. We're poor, but we're happy

I don't think it's bad if he wants to focus on school - college is SO much easier without having to work, too - but if he wants buddy biking weekends, that has nothing to do with the family . . . then he should get that money on his own, outside of the family budget. Extra stuff should come out of his extra money, that earns from his own job.

JMHO

GL in talking to him though ~ and I hope it goes as smoothly as possible!

Mmm79 · August 2013

Ugh. I am sorry you are dealing with this. I'd be frustrated, too.

I have to agree that it is possible to work and go to school. When I was in graduate school I had a graduate assistantship and worked part time at a dentist office to make extra money while going to school. And DH worked full time and went to law school at night for four years.

It sounds like maybe you guys need to have a talk about finances and expectations. I know that can be a difficult conversation , but you need to be on the same page.

Hang in there, friend!

ETA: Ok, now that I am not typing one handed on mobile while nursing I can write a bit more.

In reading over the previous comments, one thing I did want to say is that I would definitely not present things as "I'm the breadwinner so I have more say". It doesn't sound like you would, but I really thing that's not a healthy way to look at marital finances. I liked a pp's suggestion about family money and personal money during this time of a tight budget. I know it can be very stressful when you're both busy, tired and on a strict budget.

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