Feeling beyond resentful...

Debbie0580 · August 2013

I'm resenting DH big time at the moment. And I'm not sure I can even explain why. I do 90% of child care and taking care of the house, but it's not even that. Well...maybe it is. I don't know. It's like...the double standard that exists between being a mom vs being a dad...I'm not sure if its really that either. I just feel like he can just make plans or have his sports or whatever that he 'must' attend, without ever making sure if its ok or if I have plans. It's like...expected?...that I'll be home to care for the kids and the house. And if I did have plans it would be me lining up a sitter. But I rarely do have plans. And if I did want to do anything...yoga class, whatever...it's not like I can just sign up...I have to make sure he doesn't have anything else going on. We've discussed me feeling like this and the only thing he ever says is 'oh I know, it's totally not fair. You do everything.'

I get that I kind of signed up for this...having the responsibility of kids and them being dependent on me...but it's like he missed the memo.

Am I even making sense?? I'm frustrated beyond belief. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight because I'm feeling so upset...and if it weren't so late, what I'd really like to do is pack up the kids and go to my moms house. I'm feeling really bummed out. And I know from others posts I'm not alone. I think I just need a good vent/cry.

ClandestineX · August 2013

Sounds like you need to talk with your husband about your needs and wants. Sports crap and crap that doesn't involve work or schooling are wants. Have you tried explaining that maybe sometimes you would want to go and do stuff or sign up for things and be able to do them? If not, then he will never know. I just hope you aren't mad towards him without telling him why you are mad...that just creates a lot of confusion and arguments.

You have a legitimate reason to be resentful. You have two kids and are probably dedicating your entire 24 hours towards them (I don't know if you are working or not), so non-kid / household stuff will be beneficial for your mental health and mood.

08summerbride · August 2013

I totally understand. The fact that Dh can just go anywhere on a whim without any thought or prepplanning and it drives me nuts. I would also like to go to the gym, but the amount of planning it takes to make that happen is never worth it.

camdensmom32 · August 2013

I can relate 100%!!

ClandestineX · August 2013

The fact that he says he know, but doesn't do anything about it makes me think... he doesn't actually know.. Maybe in the best way you can.. express how much you need time to do some of your wants. As cliche as this sounds... tears get the message through sometimes.

fireflyz56 · August 2013

I'm sorry you are so frustrated. Have you tried to go out for your own thing yet, or do you just feel it will not work? You are not physically tethered to your kids either and he can stay home one night a week so you can go out.

I honestly would just sit him down and say that from now on, every Thursday night (or whichever) you are going to xyz and he will need to keep his plans clear.

If that doest work, Plan B would be to find a place to work out that has a daycare, and make him sleep on the couch.

zipscheer07 · August 2013

I can relate too. He has a golf league that has him gone all day Thursday after work and now fantasy football is coming and he gets to go do that. I cant even go to the store by myself. Don't get me wrong, I love having Anya with me but it would be nice once in a while for him to realize that its a two way street. It definitely gets frustrating!

MKC12/22/2006 · August 2013

Yep- DH plays tennis after work anytime he feels like it and doesn't tell me- just comes home in workout clothes so I know he did. He also played softball every Monday night all summer. He does encourage me to get out and do stuff, but I have to plan around DS and DH's schedules of course. I think it will be a little more "equal" when I'm teaching in a couple weeks.

AllyP10 · August 2013

Totally just had this discussion with DH on Monday night. He wants to golf all of the time, which I really don't have a huge issue with, especially since golf is not a year round activity where we live. But he just makes a tee time and doesn't even ask me if I'm alright with that, or had any plans. I told him if he was going to spend the rest of the summer trying golf with every ounce of his free time, that LO and I would be spending a few weeks at my parents house. That woke him up and shut him up pretty quickly. And it's not that I would try to keep LO away from him, but we don't see my parents as much, and if he is going to make plans for after work and on weekends, then why would I just hang around here if I can go down to their house for a week or two and enjoy my family?

Lets just say, he isn't playing golf this weekend.

Lhyacinth888 · August 2013

My DH always consults me before making plans but it still sucks having to be the one staying home all the time. My DD is breastfed and has never had a bottle so I wouldn't just leave DH with her on his own. Plus with a toddler someone (me) always has to be home at 1pm and 7:30pm for bedtime. We just moved so we don't really have a sitter. And as I have posted before my DD is OBSESSED with sucking on my boobs and is miserable with anyone but me when 7pm hits. I just can't leave her crying for hours while I'm out enjoying myself. It does suck! But I must add it's worth it but that doesn't mean it's easy having NO time for yourself.

JBDamonM · August 2013

AMEN. Not that I love this post, but I am really happy to know that I am not alone with these SAME frustrations.

DH has WAY more on his plate than I do. Yes, he has a lot of work events after hours, but he also never seems to miss a Friday happy hour - and even worse a golf tournament. He's played in plenty of those this summer, they aren't cheap AND they mean I'm alone and he's drinking all day. I hate it. and he NEVER Tells me about things, I am always finding out at the 11th hour - despite the fact that I poitn this out and tell him he needs to be better with keeping me in the loop.

He encourages me to do things too but the reality is (like you guys said) it's just not that easy. And frankly I could never come up with enough things to do for this to be an even split. Plus, sometimes if I'm going to go out - I want to go out as a family.

I wish I had advice for you - sadly I do think it's somewhat related to the mom vs. dad standard that you pointed out. Either way it sucks. Know you aren't alone though. Hope your night got better.

lilbit0910 · August 2013

I can also relate! I think men just don't get the memo. So frustrating.

JSS1002 · August 2013

We ALWAYS ask each other before making plans -- it has been that way since before we had J... it is just a courtesy thing.

I also do 90% of the housecare and probably 70% of the childcare. If I asked him to do stuff, however, he would -- its just easier for me to do it and I don't mind doing it, so that is what it is. I'm also the one to make all the phone calls / scheduling if things need to get done at / around the house.

Also, he does 100% of the yard care and all his own laundry and mind if I ask him.

We got married a little bit older (34), so I think some of it is that we'd both been taking care of entire households by ourselves for so long that we were already used to the workload (we were both single home owners when we met and married). But we have had a few "set expectations" talks about who does what -- and we had to get pretty granular, not just wishy-washy "I need more help" but pretty specific "ok, on Tuesadys you need to pick up baby from daycare and get him fed and I'm goin' to the gym," etc.

jss1482 · August 2013

Debbie0580 · August 2013

@JBDamonM do we have the same husband? That is so much of my frustration, that I'm finding out about it within an hour (or minutes) of it happening. A lot of his work involves "fun" stuff - suppers and golfing with clients (farmers - he's an agronomist). He's going to some "training" in Minnesota in October and gets to go to a Vikings game, and more "training" in Denver in November and they get to go skiing. Once they went to Tampa and he got to go deep sea fishing. Maybe I'm just jealous that his job has perks and my job doesn't.

@ClandestineX I do stay at home right now. I took an 18 month leave from my job as they daycare here doesn't take kids until 18 mos. I live in Canada so I do receive mat leave benefits for 1 year and then I'll take 6mos unpaid. I do think a big part of it is that I need a break from the house.

@fireflyz56 I feel am somewhat tethered to DD right now as I only breastfeed. My body doesn't like pumping and I get less than half an ounce when I pump. So I just don't. At 6 mos I'm going to introduce formula part time because by then I will really, really need a break. Hopefully she'll take a bottle. This is what I did with DS and it worked wonderfully, so hopefully we have the same luck. So far I've left the house a total of 2 times without kids. Once for 40 minutes while I went for a massage and once for an hour to go for supper with a friend. The last time was probably a month ago. So I've had two small (but awesome) breaks.

To everyone else, I'm sorry you are dealing with the same thing. It seems to be a common issue with people I know IRL too.

camdensmom32 · August 2013

@Debbie0580 my SO is also an Agronomist so on top of working long hours right now he is always going and doing "fun" stuff for work.

CrazyMary77 · August 2013

Just a thought... I wonder if husbands not mentioning that they made plans until the last minute means they feel some guilt about it, like they know they shouldn't be doing it?

And going to happy hour on a Friday after work without asking if it's OK.... that's just not right. I wanna drink too!

Yes some of us signed up to be SAHMs, but our husband's signed up to be fathers too. Reading this stuff gets me so upset. DH never makes plans without asking me first because he knows the wrath he would get.

And last thought. Isn't it great that we have to resort to crying or making threats to pack up and leave to get men to wake up? Sheesh...

Debbie0580 · August 2013

@christineeberle that's crazy! I don't know anyone IRL who even knows what an agronomist is. People ask what my husband does, I say "he's an agronomist," they say "what's that?" Every. Single. Time. Haha.

camdensmom32 · August 2013

Debbie0580 said:
@christineeberle that's crazy! I don't know anyone IRL who even knows what an agronomist is. People ask what my husband does, I say "he's an agronomist," they say "what's that?" Every. Single. Time. Haha.

Haha yep I get that too!

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