How to tell TTC family and friends? (Sensitive topic.)

CharlestonVal · August 2013

Back in April, my cousin confided in me that she and her husband have been TTC for 3 years with no luck. In fact, a lot of my family on both sides have adopted, unable to have children of their own. (We have a big, happy, loving extended family though, adopted or not!)

However, I know my cousin well and I keep going over it in my mind....how do I tell her I am pregnant with an "oops" honeymoon baby? (You can't even say the b-a-b-y word around her without her getting agitated these days, so I can't find any scenario where this is going to go well.)

Her relationship is important to me...do I call her? Email her? What do I even say without bringing to light the obvious or downplaying my own joy?

Moedowell · August 2013

Ugh what a tough situation! My SIL is having trouble too and when I told her just minutes later she received a call from the ob confirming she had PCOS and they'd definitely have some mountains to climb, I felt awful and wish I hadn't said anything. Honestly I think she was already feeling frustrated since they've been trying for a year with no sucess and although I've had some trouble staying pg, I have the getting pg part down!
Anyway I think just trying to be sensitive to her situation is helpful, encouraging her that it'll happen and not to give up hope will help soften the blow when you tell her, I think face to face is best, or at the least over the phone just so you can hear her voice and support her where you might need to after.. Good luck!

jbelle · August 2013

Email. I'd keep it brief. Don't mention the oops part and tell her that you're happy to discuss or not discuss your pregnancy with her on her timeline.

The TTTC board may have even better advice.

talitha712 · August 2013

When I got pregnant with DD one of my best friends had been TTC for 2 years, had 2 losses, and no baby. I was so nervous to tell her. I told her over the phone just before she needed to get off, so that she could react and be upset (or happy) as she needed to. I never spoke about my pregnancy to her after that unless she brought it up.

CharlestonVal · August 2013

Thanks ladies, this really helps. My cousin lives in Missouri, and I'm in South Carolina, so it'll have to be email or phone. We don't talk on the phone very often, so email might be easier for both of us. I'll keep thinking about it, I've got time as I'm not announcing just yet anyway.

htn1763 · August 2013

I would email. and definitely don't say it's an oops honeymoon baby. I think if she is that sensitive about it she would want to digest the info in private.

aj5oh00 · August 2013

It took me 2.5 years to conceive DS including 6 IUI's and 4 IVF's. The best way to get that kind of news is via email when you can process it on your own and not feel pressured to react the "right" way. Explain in your email that you understand it must be hard for her to hear and you wanted her to have an opportunity to process the news on her own and in her own way. It may or may not be a good idea to tell her it was an "oops" baby, but honesty is usually the best policy. As PP said, make sure she knows that you're happy to talk with her about your pg if/when she is ready, but you also want her to know that you're still you and capable of talking about other things with her. Good luck!

PerkyErky · August 2013

I recommend telling her privately and not somewhere public or around other people. Depending on your relationship an email may be best as it allows her time to process the information without having to try and put on a front for you. I also suggest saying something like "I know this will be difficult for you to hear and I understand if you need some time." Remember it's not that she won't be happy for you, she will be sad because it is something she wants so badly and can't have (at the moment). Don't tell her it was an "oops honeymoon baby". That will just be painful for her to hear and is not really relevant information.

Good luck and I'm sure she will be happy for you, just grieving for herself.

Jennpro · August 2013

My sister was TTC for 2 years before we started. I seriously prayed all the time, PLEASE let her get pregnant first. I thought I was at one point and it did not go over well. We ended up getting pregnant several weeks apart and I had a miscarriage. She is now a few weeks from delivery and I am 12wks. It's not about you, ppl that have tried for so long just can not see past their own struggles. I am very happy for her, but I knew she would not be able to be for me, if it was the other way around. It's such a tough and delicate situation.

avigailandcharlie · August 2013

I think it really depends on the person. I went through a loss, and my friend told me 4 weeks later that she was pregnant. We were having dinner together. He due date was the day after what my due date would have been (actually, it was this Thursday and hers is this Friday, tangent). I really really really really hated getting the news that way. At around the same time, my husband's cousin texted me that she was pregnant and she hopes it doesn't get me upset, but she wanted to tell me before they publicly announced it. I REALLY appreciated her way of doing it. I think you know your friend best and can probably determine who she would appreciate getting the news. For me, I liked that I could have the news without having to have the pressure of facial expressions etc.

totalbabydoll4ever · August 2013

Someone asked this a while back and great answers were provides. You know her best, a text might be alright, but it depends on her. Speak to her alone, before everyone finds out and give her time to grieve, she will need to. Don't expect her to be happy for you right away.

Please, don't tell her it was an oops baby or on your first try or anything, that's like rubbing salt in the wound. I'd say you understand if she's not happy right now. Be gentle with her feelings. Good luck!

EML2011 · August 2013

Text or email, dont tell her in person. Give her time to process without having to fake a happy response.

This question was just asked the other day. Also try searching on the Trouble TTC board.

EML2011 · August 2013

Moedowell said:

Ugh what a tough situation! My SIL is having trouble too and when I told her just minutes later she received a call from the ob confirming she had PCOS and they'd definitely have some mountains to climb, I felt awful and wish I hadn't said anything. Honestly I think she was already feeling frustrated since they've been trying for a year with no sucess and although I've had some trouble staying pg, I have the getting pg part down! Anyway I think just trying to be sensitive to her situation is helpful, encouraging her that it'll happen and not to give up hope will help soften the blow when you tell her, I think face to face is best, or at the least over the phone just so you can hear her voice and support her where you might need to after.. Good luck!

Do NOT tell her that you're sure it will happen for her. The truth is you have no idea if it will ever happen.

ewill2586 · August 2013

I went through this situation with my cousin as well. I opted to text her, and told her that out of respect for her I was letting her know that I had just found out I was pregnant and not very far along yet, but that I wanted to tell her myself and not let it be through the grapevine. She told me congrats and all of that good stuff but it made it easier on her to process it not in person so she could feel all the emotions she needed to privately.

amandoza23 · August 2013

I would definitely leave out the "oops" part. When we were TTC everyone felt the need to tell me how easy it was for them to get pregnant and that most cases weren't planned. It's very difficult to be happy for them when they seemed to rub it in my face. I know family is a little different and I would hope that she'd be happy for you. Follow your heart and be sincere. If she's been TTC for 3 years I would imagine that she has had to deal with a lot of people around her having babies so I would assume that she has learned to cope with it. (Although I know that may not be the case). I would tell her in person if you have that opportunity. I am just not one for texting or emailing to be my primary form of communication especially if it's an important/personal matter.

bumpuser1282882 · August 2013

PerkyErky said:

I recommend telling her privately and not somewhere public or around other people. Depending on your relationship an email may be best as it allows her time to process the information without having to try and put on a front for you. I also suggest saying something like "I know this will be difficult for you to hear and I understand if you need some time." Remember it's not that she won't be happy for you, she will be sad because it is something she wants so badly and can't have (at the moment). Don't tell her it was an "oops honeymoon baby". That will just be painful for her to hear and is not really relevant information. Good luck and I'm sure she will be happy for you, just grieving for herself.

All of this. And there's really no need to tell her it was unplanned.

bumpuser381983 · August 2013

I agree with everyone. I was TTC for 3.5 years before IVF did it. Do not tell her that you are sure it will happen for her, because you don't know.

In person or phone call works best, I think. Telling a close friend or family via email just sounds impersonal. And, truly, it doesn't mean she isn't happy for you. It is just difficult for her when another person is pregnant and she still isn't. At the end of the conversation is best too, that way you can wrap it up and let her handle her emotions with her husband.

orriskitten · August 2013

My SIL has been TTC for over 7 years and now waiting for adoption things to happen. When I got PG with dd, we spoke to MIL and had her tell for us so SIL could process and have support. We may have handled it differently if we were in the same country as her, but weren't at the time. She was genuinely happy for us, but I do think it helped her to have her mom to talk to.

This time around we were able to tell her in person and did just that. She is in a vastly different place now, though, since they know a very solid timeline for the adoption.

Good luck in telling.

peachy0709 · September 2013

For my former college roommate in the the similar situation, I emailed. I wanted to call, but hated the idea of putting her on the spot and requiring her to be happy for me, or worse, if she was upset, making me angry that she didn't "respond properly" (which, honestly, could you blame her??). I drafted a few different versions before sending it out. You want to strike the right balance... don't patronize her but don't be indifferent to her situation. Allow her time to respond in her own way. More often than not, people will surprise you (for the better) in these situations.

princessannie021602 · September 2013

Coming from someone who wasn't supposed to have kids, someone who tried for 5 years with our little one and 6 years with this one, someone who felt like that once... someone who have suffered loss, infertility, etc I would say DON"T e-mail, it's super impersonal. It would hurt more to just read it in an email and not know your tone than to hear the sincerity in your voice. I would go over in your head, write down what you want to say before hand but definately call her. If not she may feel like you didn't deem her worthy enough to talk to her face to face. Worthy enough to hear the news from you instead of an e-mail. That's what I would do. Being that I have had both shoes on the other foot (if you know what I mean)

Parryt · September 2013

My sister has been trying to have a baby for six years with no luck. I know this wasn't the best news to tell her but she told me she was still happy for me and excited for a new baby in the family. She says it's hard everyone seems to be pregnant but how can she not be happy for me. It's different with a close relative or friend.

JKS21 · September 2013

I definitely would not mention the "oops" part, that may sting more. I currently have FOUR friends having issues. One just had two miscarriages. Three of which are close enough that were in my wedding (1 other bridesmaid was TTC for 4 years and is due next month, and two more have kids...thats a BIG ratio of my friends trying so hard).

It was very hard telling them... but they are so happy for us. I still feel bad, and don't want to talk about it too much with them, but also don't want to not talk to my close friends. it's a toughie!

fat2fitnessmodel · September 2013

jbelle said:
Email. I'd keep it brief. Don't mention the oops part and tell her that you're happy to discuss or not discuss your pregnancy with her on her timeline.

The TTTC board may have even better advice.

Yes! Don't mention the oops......

ellajune2012 · September 2013

I think you've gotten some good responses, but I'd just like to echo as someone who's been in that position, text or email really is the best option - give her time to process her own feelings BEFORE she comes to you with congratulations. Even if she's thrilled for you (as I usually was for my friends), you never know if it's a bad day for her or just not something she's expecting to hear. Having to put on a fake happy face while you want to fall apart is torture. Just tell her that you're putting the ball in her court, and you understand if she needs time or doesn't want to talk about the pregnancy much. Don't take it personally if she needs a little distance at first. It's not about you - it's about her.

Leave out the "oops" part. It's not necessary.

Do NOT tell her you're "sure it will happen" for her. You are NOT sure - you can't tell the future, right? It doesn't make anyone feel good when they hear those. I know it's all good intentions but just leave it out.

lawjess · September 2013

I agree with everyone saying that a private conversation is best. Here's how it happened for me - perhaps a good example of what not to do.

My husband and I have been TTC for 2 years and have had three losses, one of which was in our second trimester. Not soon after the third loss, my brother and his wife sent a Facebook message to me and our family (i.e. brother, sister, aunts, uncles, grandparents and my mother, who was not previously informed in any kind of non-Facebook way, but that's another story) to announce that they were expecting their second. I was shocked and removed myself from the conversation, not realizing that this would be noted with a "______ has left the conversation." I felt awful. I didn't want them to think I was unsupportive. I sent an email to explain my feelings and extend my well wishes, but heard nothing back. Here I am, feeling like the jerk. I don't hear from them for several weeks until my brother sends another message asking if I will come out (they live in another state) to help with their 8-year old after the baby comes. Nevermind the fact that I am an attorney working 50+ hour work weeks and have a life and husband here - sure, I'll drop everything.

A little sensitivity and the right forum are really all you need.

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