Calling all wives- youngin here

ambarnett1 · August 2013

Just want some opinions! I'm 20 years old, bf is turning 24 and this will be our first child. We have been together for over a year and even though this baby was unplanned (was on bc), we are excited and blessed. We are thinking about getting engaged/married before the baby comes. Good idea? Bad idea? We love each other, so I feel like the baby isn't the only reason why were doing it.

I just wish I could have a big wedding, but I want our family to have the same last name. Opinions?

TrudyCampbell · August 2013

If you weren't about to get engaged/married before the baby then I wouldn't do it now. 20 years old is very young... have the baby, see how it goes, there is no rush!

If you do get engaged I'd make it a loooooong engagement.

snmetz7 · August 2013

I think that getting married is a big decision that you can't just ask random strangers if its a good idea or not. You guys are already going to be bound together through the baby. Where you planning to get married before you found out about baby? Was there a conversation before baby hormones kicked in. It's def not something you want to decide on a whim.

pineconey · August 2013

I only dated my DH for a year- our engagement was 3 months, and our wedding was incredible. We are very happily married.

Kriztyn · August 2013

I also would not rush into marriage... so many end in divorce if you don't marry for the right reasons... if its meant to be it will happen.. eventually.

ambarnett1 · August 2013

Marriage has been in the conversation for a while now, but we planned on getting married in a year or two. Just asking for personal opinions. I won't base my decision off what strangers say lol just curious. Thanks y'all! I appreciate the advice

DIY7 · August 2013

Trust your instincts, you know best. I dated and was engaged to h for 3 months. The time you know someone doesn't really matter when it's the right person. I never had a huge wedding, my baby still doesn't have my last name but we are the happiest family.

ksulli · August 2013

I can pretty easily swing either way on this one. Getting married isn't about the wedding, it's about the marriage you'll be sharing, so who cares about the wedding, right? But, if you've always wanted a big party to celebrate your love and lives together with everybody that loves and supports you, well, it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing (hopefully). You also could do a courthouse low-key, let's-do-it-already wedding now, and then have a reception (with a marriage blessing?) later.

I would discourage getting married just because of the baby- and fast tracking it just for the baby too. Maybe get engaged and stay there for a while if you want to make it more official? Baby can take his name if you intend on taking it later, or hyphenate to have both.

My husband and I were not our best selves (and had some rough patches becasue of it) in the first few months of parenthood, and I would hate to have been in that place while planning our wedding, or being newly-wed.

DIY7 · August 2013

I want to add, I'm 31. I also wanted to add that I feel the first year of the baby's life is when you really get to know your partner. You see how selfish/sacrificing he is, you see how he takes care of you when you need to get the rest, and if he truly puts your family first.

alaw28 · August 2013

https://addiezierman.com/?p=2318

A great read on young marriage. I'm 25 and my husband and I have been married 3 years but we've been together for 9.

I wouldn't rush into being married. I didn't feel like it changed anything between us but we had been living together and sharing money for a while. The thing is you're not done growing and changing yet and that's what makes it so hard. My husband and I are completely different people than 5 years ago for sure

you don't need a marriage to verify your relationship or your pregnancy so please keep that in mind, but whatever feels right to you guys and don't expect behaviors or habits to change just because of marriage
Do whats right for your relationship and in your heart and dont let others saying you're too young or anything keep you from doing what you feel you guys want

ekmebm · August 2013

My instinct is to tell you that if you have to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet if it's a good idea....it's not. If it was a good idea you'd already know that on your own and be telling us about your small ceremony that you're planning instead of asking for advice.

That being said, I don't know you or him and have no idea.

bornmommy · August 2013

This is something only you and your partner can decide. If you have to ask a group of Internet strangers, I say it seems like you're insecure about the decision.

KM0715 · August 2013

It seems like you're planning on getting married the question is just when? If that's the case, you could always get married at a courthouse to address the same name situation and then do a bigger reception once the baby is around. Or, you can always just do a legal name change before you get married (rare but doable)

If its more of a question on should you get married at all, then I agree with other posters that if you're asking the answer is probably no/not right now..

Good luck and welcome to the board

ambarnett1 · August 2013

Thank you ladies. Of course I am questioning it because of being young and hormones. This is a decision him and I need to make, but I am the type of person that likes to see others opinions so I can see different point of views. I appreciate the advice!!!!

justright47 · August 2013

The only thing I can add is that the 1st year of marriage is a huge adjustment, at least it has been for me. If things are already fine, I'd get through the pregnancy and first year of baby before making that big of a decision. On the other hand, my 20 yr old self probably would say eff it and just do it! Life brings many changes in your 20's and the train doesn't seem to ever stop, so try to consider the future of this baby that didn't ask to be born. Sorry if that sounds harsh or judgmental. I truly wish everyone here the best!

Scarlett&Gatsby · August 2013

Honestly---and I'm admittedly old fashioned---but honey, you're "stuck" together whether you get married or not. You have a child together; he's going to be a part of your life for a very, very long time. If it was me, and we were in love and the father was in favor, I'd want to get married quietly beforehand. But I realize (and respect) that it's not 1932 anymore. ETA: Bad situations came from forced marriages, that just doesn't sound like your situation.

boxerbabylove · August 2013

I'm 31. My DH and I dated for 4 years before we got engaged, and took a little over a year to plan our wedding and get married.

We discussed getting married earlier but decided to wait because we wanted to make sure the narriage would "stick". I was in the process of buying my own home when we met, so he lived with me and paid rent for the years we lived together before we got married.

The first year living together was rough. We argued a lot but found a rhythm and are much stronger for it. I can not imagine having had a baby then. I don't think our relationship could have survived if a baby had been part of the mix when we were first getting started.

I think if you aren't sure about marriage then you need to wait. If you we're sure about getting married you wouldn't be asking. Wait, have the wedding you want later. A child is a serious under taking on on its own and does not need the added stress of finding your footing in a new version of your relationship.

Enami · August 2013

DH and I dated for a year, got engaged, and found out 3 months later we were having a baby. We didn't get married until June 2012, when DS was 9 mo old. I'd say wait, people change when they become parents, and if you weren't to the marriage point before, it's just another unneeded stress while pregnant. FWIW, we've been married a year and I still haven't changed my name, DS has DH name and socially everybody calls me by H name. Not really a big deal (except to our mortgage broker, who asked us at least 3 times in 30 min if we were sure we were legally married).

KNSATX · August 2013

I was 20 when my husband and I met and 21 when we got married. We knew each other for 11 months, and were engaged for just six weeks. Everyone acted like we were making a huge mistake, but we were sure of ourselves and our priorities. My sister got married at 28 after dating the guy for four years. They were divorced three years later. My point: it doesn't matter what other people think. If you and your boyfriend think that you are mature enough to make this commitment to each other, for yourselves and your child, go to counseling individually and together. It's not about what the counselor says; it's about the questions you'll be asked and will ask of each other, and what you'll learn. Marriage is hard, but it's worth it. I'm sure the same will apply to parenting. If you think you two are ready, go for it. Just be sure not to rush it, and enjoy every bit of being engaged and planning your celebration.

KNSATX · August 2013

By the way- we've been through hell in the last eight years. Three deployments, nine moves, a bunch of jobs and school changes, and PTSD. This is our first child on the way. The way we did it isn't perfect for everyone, but I love us and our life, and I wouldn't change a thing.

thomas930 · August 2013

I got married at 18 and 7 years later we are still very happily married. Getting married young does work but some times you are going to have rough times and you'll have to fight for it. The first year with a baby was way harder than our first year of marriage. We had our first kid after 3 years of marriage.

Mrs.Kohalic17 · August 2013

As a fellow younger member I can give you my story & advice: I'm 24 my husband Tim is 27. We have been together for 9 years and married for 3. We lived together first, were engaged for 4 years and even delayed our wedding a year because we weren't ready plus money was tight. I was 21 when we got married though. It's totally up to you regardless of what anyone says, it's your life and your guys' decision. It's going to be hard no matter what, just follow your heart.

Russiandea12 · August 2013

I would wait for marriage. My hubby & I were married for 6 years before we had my son. It was definitely the hardest time in our marriage. If you want to get engaged to show commitment to each other bit don't rush marriage a new baby will be enough of a change.

KatieGummow · August 2013

Totally up to you, but I'd wait until after the baby, if both of you are ready by then you can tell your child it was he/she that bonded you two. Hubby and I were together for 7 before we married; but I was soon thankful we didn't have kids/dog while we were going through buying a house and sharing finances and getting out of debt! Good luck!!!!

TheatreStar86 · August 2013

Just to bring up points the others haven't: it might be nice to have your child at the wedding when things have settled down (in pictures, not your belly). Also, the stress of planning a wedding is definitely NOT something I would do while pregnant. I hated doing it in the first place.

Enjoy preparing for a baby and then enjoy planning a wedding. You can certainly prepare for marriage and be happily engaged, but I think it would feel rushed to me.

fireflygirl12 · August 2013

I honestly don't think it matters if you get married or not. You are having a baby together, and I imagine you will be living together (if you aren't already?) What is the difference in getting the piece of paper? I see it either way: don't get married because the paper doesn't really matter or do get married and get divorced later if it doesn't work out. I honestly don't feel like divorce is any different than breaking up after you have been in a long & committed relationship, especially once kids are involved.

I was married at 20 after dating for a year and a 2-month engagement. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary, so it definitely can work out when you're that young. Statistics are just against you.

Marusika · August 2013

I was almost 20 years when we got married. And he was 20. Everyone called us crazy

)

On September 11th we have our 3 years anniversary. My mom married when she was 17 and she`s still with my dad.

Every couple is different, someone can marry at 20 yaers and live happily,..someone can get married at 40 and divorce. So, decision is yours.

melissashogan · August 2013

I was 23 when I got pregnant with my first and unmarried we decided to get married but things changed and we never did. I became a single mom and he has not seen his daughter in 7 years. I am not going to lie to you it is hard being a single mom and it sucks having a different name then your child, however had I been married my life right now would not be as blessed as it is I am married to the best man I have ever known and we are about to have another child. I guess what I am getting at is don't rush because you are nervous about what might happen take your time because you are smart enough to care about your future.

vballgirl78 · August 2013

I think only you and your boyfriend can answer that question. Don't rush into it simply because a baby is on the way. A baby adds a huge amount of stress to any relationship. Good luck with whatever you decide.

NicoleAnne416 · August 2013

My personal opinion, and everyone is different but this is the same advice I gave my best friend years ago. Have the baby first. See how you still feel. They personally split and she is now so happy and engaged to a great man! Your bf may be the one for you, my personal opinion is that after you have the baby and evaluate your relationship at that point, if it's even stronger than before, marriage may be a wonderful choice! Ultimately, you both do what you feel is right in your hearts! Congrats!

MyNameWasTaken · August 2013

I did not read other comments, so sorry if I repeat a bunch of people. If it were me, I'd wait til after the baby is born. Pregnancy was so uncomfortable for me, and to top it off, I was NOT a cute pregnant lady! I'd just have a long engagement, give the baby your bf's last name, and get the wedding you want.

Or, if you must do it RIGHTNOW, what about doing a very small, casual civil ceremony now, and then have a big fancy wedding later? That's what we did, and I actually liked my elopement better than my wedding (which was a disaster on many fronts)!

christina627 · August 2013

I will answer how I feel and not read previous comments. Normally, I think it's best to be married before you have a kid. By having a kid together, you are going to be connected for as long as that child is alive (and hopefully they outlive you), so if you aren't ready for that commitment, I would suggest not having a child together. (Why I shake my head at couple that are dating or engaged and are trying to get pregnant...get married, then try.)

Anyway, you are past that. You weren't trying, but it happened. Don't get married just, bc you are pregnant. It can be a recipe for disaster and I've known quite a few ppl that did it and ended up divorced before the baby's first birthday. If you were already planning on it, if he was going to propose before you got the BFP than go for it. If not, wait and see how the pregnancy goes and see how it is after the baby is born. You can always change the baby's last name later.

hordol · August 2013

I got married this past June and am pretty young by most people's standards (23), but I was very confident in my choice of man and in my choice of career and was without a doubt that I was doing the right thing.

Being in love isn't a good enough reason to get married. You and your bf love each other, but do you share the same values? Have you talked about marriage? Are you on the same page about finances? There are a whole list of things that you should consider (more than I just mentioned) before you marry someone. In this day and age, having a baby out of wedlock isn't the end of the world, so if you two feel you should only get married for the baby's sake I would hold off. Wait until after the baby is born and see how you feel then.

Also, that being said, there is no right or wrong age for marriage. It depends on maturity and the right timing. Only you can answer for yourself if you and your bf think this is the right time and are mature enough to make this lifelong commitment. I have a feeling that since you are looking for outside opinions that it may not be the best time and you are not as confident in this decision as you should be if you are going to enter into marriage, so I say wait until the baby is born and go from there.

2bebes · August 2013

Marry him! If you love him and he loves you, then it will be great. I got married at 19 and still love him and he loves me... we just celebrated 5 years yesterday!! We love our 2 yr. old and are still very happy to be married.

Stasi · August 2013

I'm not exactly sure what your situation is...but, here's my two cents: I have two cousins that both got pregnant with their first babies at 20 years old. They waited until they had their babies, got their feet under them financially, figured out how their relationships worked with their boyfriend AND having a child, finished school...etc...

Then, about 3 years later got married, once they were "settled". Both of them are in their mid-30s now and happy with everything...

BeeBee08 · August 2013

Having a baby is absolutely not a reason to get married! People have babies without being married all the time, this is not 1955.

Like @Stasi, I suggest getting through this difficult time, then getting your feet under you and having the wedding you want once everything has settled. I'm not saying that because you're young, I'm saying that because marriage isn't something you should decide on a whim. Plus then you can fully enjoy both experiences. Good Luck!

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