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Blended Families
Update of sorts....
Well, I know I don't post on here often, but I could definitely use a sounding board at the moment. I posted back at the end of April about the frsutration I was having with the BM of my two stepsons......no surprise here, but she hasn't become any more involved. She got back together with her off-and-on-again addict husband, who has kicked her out twice in the last 2 months. They have been back together for about a month now, and over the weekend she texted my DH to tell him that they made the decision to move to Iowa in a month, for a job offer that her husband got. She's planning on letting my DH have the kids full time (which is no different than we really already do anyways, since she never takes the boys on her weekends anyways), and she threw out some nonsense about flying them out to see her on their school breaks and summers. She actually did take the boys this past weekend for the first time in a long time, but didn't tell them anything about her moving. So now I'm left to wonder a few things.....
While part of me is jumping for joy inside, thinking "yes, great!! She's leaving the state and we won't have to deal with her on a regular basis!!".....there is a bigger part of me that is so sad for the boys. They are old enough to definitely be affected by this, even though she is barely in their lives as it is. I'm not sure if it's a good thing that she's moving, or a bad thing.....but mostly I just don't understand how she can just be ok with packing up and leaving 2/3 of her kids. It shouldn't come as a surprise to me really, since she's never been a mother to them from day one....but I'm really hurting for the boys right now, because I have no clue how they will react, and like always, we'll be the ones picking up the broken pieces she leaves behind.
My DH was smart in telling her that he plans to have the court papers redone if she moves, to state very specific things....but another fear I have is the promises she always makes and then breaks. She told my DH that she plans on buying the boys a phone to call them on and she plans to Skype with them a lot. Well, she doesn't even call them when she goes long periods of time without seeing them here in town, so I know that promise is already on it's way to being broken. I highly doubt it will happen. I also know that there is no way she is going to Skype with them, when they have always been nothing more than an afterthought to her. So here she is, ready to make them all these promises, and build up their hopes, only to let them down once she moves. This has been the history with her for the entire time I've known my husband, and before. Plus, who is to say that she and her husband won't fight again and he'll kick her out again, and then she'll be back here, letting the boys think she is home, only to move away again a month later?
So I'm torn....I know the selfish part of me should be happy she is moving, but the 'mom' part of me is definitely looking out for my boys, and I don't like what I predict will happen. The back and forth with her never seems to end, and I just don't know how to approach this whole new development. Could be the best thing for the boys, or it could only serve to damage them even more. Anyways, not really sure how I should feel about this, but needed to at least get it all out in writing. Thanks for reading, if you did. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Update of sorts....
You're entitled to feel however you wish on this, and it may go back and forth, just as you stated.
I recommend that you and your husband focus really hard on providing a stable and reliable environment and staying very connected with the boys. That means talking to them, and when I say talking, I don't mean at them, I mean asking them questions and letting them talk and really listen to them.
You should also prepare them for disappointment and how to deal with it. And, really monitor their behavior and negative changes in their lifestyle. Be ready to get them counseling if you feel they are taking a bad term.
XH's mother abandoned him, and at 50 he is so very screwed up and still looking for his mother's approval - even tho she is still a flaky, unreliable meth addict who will never be a mother to him. XH and 2 of his brothers never had a decent family life. They are all messed up and I know it's because of their abandonment issues.
His youngest brother however was the only one that found his way into a good home. He is the only truly successful one and for the most part has his act together. He's made peace with his mother's abandonment and it's because he had a good foster family who he views as his family.
So I stress a healthy, full, positive home life in your home and just be aware of your SS's potential heartbreak and struggles and help them thru it in positive, constructive ways the best that you can.