A "how do you do it?" from mom of 3--truly curious about this

NicoleWI · August 2013

I've been on here forever and am leaving my job this winter after much debate. I fully understand that some people really want to work, love their jobs, etc, and/or have to work, whether that's to make ends meet or to live the lifestyle they wish to lead. Today again, though, I am seriously still wondering how, literally, people make it work if both spouses are working FT and they have a few kids (at least 2+).

As I "opt out," (hate that phrase), I just seriously wonder how things would possibly work if we both kept working FT. My kids would have to be in child care an incredible amount of time right now for us to keep up with what we're doing. Maybe it's just because they are so close in age? I know our jobs play a role, too. I don't get home until 6 and DH works really long hours a lot of the year, so I have to find sitters for any evening things I have going on.

I'm not at all saying everyone should quit or that parents should both work FT. This is not at all a "mommy wars" (hate this phrase, too) post. I just am curious about how others make it work out, b/c I really feel like our personal situation was just not sustainable. A lot of that could be b/c my husband owns a business and works a TON. I figure if he were always home weekends and every day at 5:30 that would be a lot different...so that's the kind of thing I'm wondering. What factors enable you both to keep working FT, if that's what you're doing? I'm not talking about crock pot meals or having a cleaning lady. I mean, do you and your spouse/partner work different hours? Does one of you have a lot of flexibility?

honeybee111 · August 2013

DH and I both work full time and we have 2 kids. I'm a teacher, so I think I have a kid-friendly schedule - I'm home by 4, so I can handle dinner, and have enough days off during the year that I can handle dr. and dentist appts, manage house projects, etc. DH works super long hours every 2 months - like 10-14 hour days, but other than that, he has a flexible schedule which is helpful if there's a last minute thing or if one of the kids is sick. I know this isn't what you asked, but we outsource a lot of stuff - we have a nanny for DS(who is also our babysitter if we need her extra hours), DD goes to preschool + aftercare, housecleaner, gardener, etc. I would not be able to work without all that extra help. We run errands on the weekends, and handle one major thing at a time - right now, it's landscaping.

jf198400 · August 2013

Nicole, I have read a lot of your posts, and I feel the same as you do. I work a normal 9-5 job (thank god) but my DH has a really long commute and is gone from 5am-7pm (or later) every day, although he thankfully does not work weekends. I had to change jobs last year b/c my commute was too long before. Now I work 15mins from home. I have 2 kids- DS is 1.5 and DD is 3. I do all daycare dropoffs and picksups, cook dinner, do baths, pack lunches, etc. My mom lives closeby and helps whenever the kids are sick and can't go to daycare, she also handles most of their doctors appointments. We have a cleaning service every 2 weeks, but I still feel overwhelmed at home. It's mostly the cooking that stresses me out, and the general chaoticness of getting home at 6pm and having 2 toddlers to feed.

We would like to have 2 more children. I don't see how it will be possible to manage with more children if I continue to work FT. I would love to either work PT or have DH in a job where he can help out more. I feel like if I didn't have to do both the dropoff and the pickup everyday it would be sooo much easier! I can't imagine fitting in homework and kids activities. I know my kids are really happy now in daycare, but I feel like I won't be able to be there for them enough when they are school aged.

I guess I just wanted to say that I totally get how you feel. I hope to be able to "opt out" whenever we have baby #3. I would love to go PT but I'm not sure if my current job will allow it, and I really think its impossible to find a PT job without first being FT.

aglenn · August 2013

Well, we only have two but my husband used to travel internationally for long periods of time (2-3 weeks at a pop) and after kid #2 that had to change. My job is somewhat flexible in that I can leave the office early if I need to and log back on later to finish things up...but it is a demanding job with a long commute and all of that is exhausting when I'm on my own with two little ones. We don't have family nearby or anything like that and in addition to just the go-go-go of it all I started to get really stressed about what would happen if I got really sick or got injured or something while he was overseas, because I just don't really have a strong network here in case of emergency. Long story short, he switched jobs and now rarely travels, which helps. Day to day life is still ridiculously crazy at times but it is tolerable.

I have a coworker who has a 4 year old, 2 year old twins, and an infant. I don't know how she stays sane, but she does have an au pair for childcare and that helps a lot since there is no dropping off and picking up to be done, and the au pair can help around the house as well. I think everyone finds their own solutions and none of them are perfect, but you make it happen if it needs to happen, you know?

AZ123 · August 2013

I think the only way it successfully works is when one parent has a less stressful and more flexible job. I couldn't see if working if both parents had a stressful and time consuming job.

The other reason I think it works to have both parents working is that I'm a believer in it takes a village. It takes grandparent involvement, great daycare, great sitters, great housecleaners, great friends for playdates and babysitting. etc.

SportyChic24 · August 2013

You just find a way to make it work. I work about 1 hr. from home my kids are in daycare from a little past open to almost closing time. DH is gone at work about 15 hours a day and works 6 days a week. I do all the drop-offs and pick-ups, lunches, making sure they have what is needed for supplies and summer camp, keep track of scheduling, cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cutting the grass, going to activities (gymnastics, etc.) also play time, parks, learning time, etc. Get home about 6ish dinner does not get done until 7/730 (depending on what I am cooking) then you have bath, cartoon, and bed time. So about 9/930 is time to get stuff ready for the next day, do a load of laundry, clean something. It is rough but you make it work. I don't get to go out and do much on weekdays, I pass on things because I don't have a sitter or someone close by to watch the kids, trust me it would be nice to take a class or something fun for me. Right now fun is with my kids. We don't have much flexibility with work so we just take turns if the kids get sick and need to stay home. Things are hectic but it's all worth it. There are times I get burned out - who wouldn't with working a full time job and and taking care of 2 young kids and a home, and DH - so I just take one hour on sunday and try to recharge. It's the life DH and I have and decided on, we deal with whatever comes our way.

DiveFrog · August 2013

We make it work because although we both work full-time, we both have some flexibility in our working hours, DH even more so then I do as he an basically work whatever 40hrs a week he wants to as his workplace is open 24/7, although he is also on call 24/7 for emergencies.

We make it work because we chose to move to a house that affords us both a 20-25minute commute.

We make it work because my parents are retired and currently living with us, soon to be living close by. They have chosen to spend their "golden" years caring for our kids. This makes it possible for me to keep working my current job which requires travel on average 1 week a month. And saves us a huge amount of time and effort arranging child care for odd hours, last minute, backup care etc.

We make it work because financially we need both of us to work if we want to provide for our kids and ourselves the lifestyle we have now and want in the future.

We make it work because basically as hard as it is, in the end we are more successful at raising the kids, and at work, and in our marriage because we work. We know first hand that our family starts to fail/fall apart if DH, or myself is not working.

82Sonia · August 2013

We only have one so far but the only way we're staying sane is because we both have a lot of flexibility. I work from home one day a week and work a 6:00 to 2:30 shift so I can be home earlier. DH works later, like 9:30 to 6:30, and works a lot from home after those hours. If we were both working our old hours, get to work at 9:00 get home around 8:00, it just wouldn't work. I'd have to quit my job and stay home (DH makes twice my salary).

skyejo · August 2013

We have two girls under three, plan on two more, and have no plans of me leaving my job.

How we make it work is by being 50/50 as a couple. DH gets DD1 ready in the morning and I have DD2. I do drop-off and DH does pick-up. At night I prep our dinner for the next day, lay out clothes, and pack bags with DH does the dishes and preps the bottles and food. I have an 830am to 5pm job with a 30 minute commute. DH typically works 7am to 5pm but has a lot of flexibility and is able to work from home. DD2 was sick last week and DH was able to work form home with her. We have no family in the area to help out but we're still able to make it work.

I work because I want to, not because I have to. I'm a much better mom with a work-life balance and my family is happy. We're in a great groove and when #3 comes I'm sure we'll have that panic moment over how it will work, but it will somehow.

itsmevkb · August 2013

We have four children and both work full-time but my husband does have quite a bit of flexibility in his schedule as he works as a college professor. If he sets up his schedule to teach classes only on Tuesdays and Thursdays then he has Mon, Wed and Friday where he can work at home, run to his office for a bit of the day, take the kids to the doctor and then make up the time on weekends, etc. So, I think tha thelps out a lot.

I will say this though, there were years and years of our marriage where he was teaching full-time, working a part-time night job AND getting his PhD and that was hard. Hard, hard, hard. We didn't have all four kids yet, but had the first three while all that was going on. There was an end in site though so we just found ways to make it work. It was also a little easier as the kids weren't in school yet for most of those years so we didn't have to worry about separate drop-offs and school activities. I'm certain we couldn't have sustained that schedule with four children or even with two or three for much longer than we did. It was exhausting.

I think in your situation you may see it differently if your husband worked less or if an opportunity presented itself for your to perhaps work a different schedule. For me, it just never has occurred to me to stop working since I like my career and like where I'm going in it and my husband worked so long to get where he is that he wouldn't give up his career either. With that, we just find ways to make our situation work as it stands, without ever really going to the thought of one of just "opting out." Perhaps at some point in future that will change.

itsmevkb · August 2013

jf198400 said:

We would like to have 2 more children. I don't see how it will be possible to manage with more children if I continue to work FT. I would love to either work PT or have DH in a job where he can help out more. I feel like if I didn't have to do both the dropoff and the pickup everyday it would be sooo much easier! I can't imagine fitting in homework and kids activities.

My husband does the majority of drop-offs and pick-ups and on the nights where he's teaching a night class and I have to pick all four up, from two different places, feed them, go over homework, get them all in bed, etc. it's WAY harder than when he's around. Like, it's not just twice as hard, it's more like four times as hard. Last spring semester I used some of my vacation time to leave 2 hours early on Tuesdays so that I could go home, get dinner all set out and just basically have a little time at home before going to get all of them. I found that really, really helped.

mittensonkittens · August 2013

I'm currently on maternity leave with #3, so we haven't had to juggle working life with 3 kids yet, but I think we'll be able to do it. Both our jobs are less than 30 minutes from home, and flexible. We can work from home when we need to, and make up hours on the nights and weekends. I rarely need to work more than 40 hours a week, and only travel once or twice a year. DH works more like 40-45 hours/week, and travels about 6x/year. We don't have family nearby, but we both have a family friendly company culture, so nobody bats an eye if we take off when a kid is sick.

DH and I also split household and kid responsibilities 50/50. There is no way I could do it without him.

And with LO3, I'm taking my entire 10 week maternity leave unpaid so I will have more than a week of sick leave and 3 weeks of vacation time in the bank when I go back. I figure I can use a few hours of vacation at a time, and have a pseudo-part-time schedule when I need it.

Honestly, the idea of being a SAHM with 3 kids under 5 scares me more than making it work with 2 working parents. I like working. In an ideal world, DH and I would both have part time jobs so we could both have more time at home. It sucks that for most of us there is no option for a middle ground, it's all or nothing.

kanga1622Wed220857 · August 2013

DH works as a teacher. I work an 8 to 5 job. This works pretty well compared to how it was when DH had a second job working nights and weekends.

I wish I didn't have to work but we both have lowish paying jobs and we both need to work in order to live. We live somewhere rather cheap other than housing. We make combined probably less than most people do individually. Oddly, these are high paying jobs for this area unless you have a PhD.

DiveFrog · August 2013

ms.mittens said:

In an ideal world, DH and I would both have part time jobs so we could both have more time at home. It sucks that for most of us there is no option for a middle ground, it's all or nothing.

This is SO true! In an ideal world we would DH and I would both work 30hrs/wk and make the same amount as we do now

. I think that would give us an absolutely perfect work/life balance.

thedash · August 2013

We only have one with number two arriving any day now. But before DS turned a year old we decided that both of us staying in demanding jobs was not sustainable for our family. I stepped back from my career and opened my own practice. Now I work more or less 9 to 5 but really I have tons of flexibility. Any time I'm not in court or a meeting I can leave the office to work from home, run errands, take DS to the doctor, etc. Even with this flexibility I often have a really busy week and then feel really behind at home and overwhelmed.

We also have an excellent DCP who only watches DS at her house 10 minutes from ours. I trust her completely and will sometimes ask her to give DS a bath or trim his nails during the day. Just little things that give me less to deal with evenings and weekends.

st.augbride · August 2013

Honestly, we have extremely forgiving bosses and can play with our hours. Otherwise, we would need to change and have someone be home. Ds was born with complicated medical issues, and while he's doing great now, we still have tons of doctors appts and feeding him in the morning takes over an hour. Between that and everything else, we are lucky if we get in by 9am. But, my boss is a single mom of young twin boys, so she completely gets it and in fact is often getting in closer to 9:30/10am because of it. Both of our jobs are almost 100% computer-based and we have remote access, so we make up for hours at home as needed. This way I can leave by 4pm at the latest and have the kids by 4:30pm. Dh then gets home by 5pm. Also, we each work from home 2 days per week and stagger them so that one of us is home and can do the drop-off/pick-up 4 days out of the week and sometimes every day when dh works from home for 3 days. We are very, very lucky to have this set-up. I just don't know what we'd do otherwise, so I completely understand as we have no family near us to help.

dizzycooks · August 2013

I find that planning ahead is really important. I am a teacher and work 7:30-3:30, DH works 7:00-3:30. We car pool and drop DD off together so we leave the house at 6:15 and get home at 4:45. I have about 15 minutes between getting to daycare and picking DH up so I can run a quick errand without them which is helpful.

I menu plan and know what we are eating every night the whole week. This prevents a lot of eating out, lost time with DD and extra runs to the grocery store. Our dinners always include leftovers and I pack those up immediately after dinner. I keep 10-20 meals frozen in the freezer that just need to go in the crockpot or oven.

Due to our early rise, we also are in bed early. DD goes down around 6:30 and DH and I are in bed by 9. That doesn't leave as much time as it sounds like we would have, but we take turns taking care of stuff. We fold laundry together while we watch TV, I do dishes while he gives DD a bath, he starts laundry in the morning and mows the yard while I prep dinner. We cover for each other while if we want to go out with friends or need to work late. We don't typically bring work home, but I am often grading papers while we watch TV, but never when DD is awake.

Divallyn · August 2013

We both have 9-5 jobs. My H job calls for every fourth Saturday and I work about every fourth stat holiday. We both get 3 weeks vacation and he gets one week sick and I get two weeks of sick time. I am very thankful that our jobs don't require long hours. I refuse to work my life away and I refuse to have my kids in daycare longer than 9 hours (most days it's 8 hours). I don't think we could do it if one of us or both had very demanding jobs.

2-Step · August 2013

I'm with you. My DH and I both had demanding jobs with 1 hour commutes and I travelled 3-5x per year. It was OK with the first one, although we did rely on my mom a lot more than I felt good about. After #2 it was just not sustainable for our family. I think it really depends on resources as well as your personality. If you make enough to have a full time nanny who can prep dinner, help with housekeeping, baths etc. and you LOVE your job then I can see it working and still being happy.

We came to a crossroads in my career where I could've gotten the type of job that would afford us the luxury to hire out everything we needed or I could quit and go freelance and work from home PT. I chose option #2 and I couldn't be happier. Yes, my career isn't skyrocketing to the heights it might have if I never had children, but if you would've asked me before kids I also would've told you that climbing the corporate ladder was not my ultimate goal.

I totally respect that people have two demanding careers and juggle kids, but I also really just don't see how it could've ever been possible for us long term. We had to choose who was going to get serious and who was going to support the family from home more often. It's even still hard sometimes to juggle with working part time since I get zero hours without kids or working (no lunch breaks to run errands etc.)

In the end we are all happier with the situation and I don't feel a bit like I've given up on my career. If anything my decision has made my future brighter. Good luck with your decision!

Red_Dahlia · August 2013

DH works really long hours in the fall. (4 nights a week he's home after 8:30pm) I work normal hours - 8-5. We only have 1 child now, but we will both continue to work when we have #2 later this year. We have a housekeeper that comes every two weeks. We eat fresh food, but I don't cook a lot of big meals. Neither of us have a lot of flexibility, but it hasn't really been an issue. We both have to travel a few times a year. We both have less than 30 min commutes, so that helps. We don't do a lot of things in the evenings, so I always feel that I get to spend quality time in the evenings with LO. I guess with a longer commute and lots of things planned in the evenings, I would feel overwhelmed too. I'm stressing a little about the time that BFing and washing bottles will take up in the evening, but I'm guessing you don't have that issue any longer.

emberlee3 · August 2013

I am finding that I can manage to hold things together as long as I don't have to do much work in the evening. It seems I spend hours every night washing dishes, prepping meals for the next day, folding laundry, etc. I am finding ways to streamline here and there, plus I am delegating to DH more. It is hard that I work 1-2 weekends per month. DH and I both get behind on home stuff during those times. He is not willing to outsource, but we are thinking of moving to a condo or townhouse so we wouldn't need to do as much yard work.

CrazyLife3 · August 2013

We have four kids and both work full time. The only way it works is because of a few things - we live in a really small town, no commute time to speak of. My husband works from home 90% of the time and can pretty much come and go as he pleases. I have a super flexible job where I work on commission so I can pretty much set my own wages and be there when I want. Without all of the above it would not work. I am my own boss so I can even bring a kid to the office in a pinch. Plus we have saved like crazy the past 15 years so money is no longer and issue for us. We live 5 minutes from the daycare/school so my husband can pick the kids up after school and 2 of them are pretty self sufficient so they can manage while he works until I get home at 5:15. I think living in a smallish town with flexible jobs is the big reason it works.

I want to add that neither of us are on the "fast track" career wise. We both make good livings but will never be the top brass in the companies we work for. We chose quality of life over climbing the ladder. My husband is a software engineer and I am a financial planner.

married2matt · August 2013

My husband is a LE officer full time and also is a part time SWAT officer that responds to ALL SWAT calls outs. His regular schedule is rotating (nights/days) 10 hour shifts. Basically he has two full time jobs, but is paid for one. When he's not working he often has trainings and classes to attend. I also work FT. We have two kids (ages 5.5 and 7) with one on the way. Some days I wonder if we're crazy.

Because my husband LOVES what he does and I only work to bring in a paycheck (although I've done well at my job and I'm the breadwinner - I don't love what I do and would prefer not to work), it was decided that his job schedule would take priority (if that makes sense).

The only way we survive is that my job is flexible. I've been with the company long enough and have proven myself enough that I'm allowed to work from home as needed. Sick kid ... work from home. School events...it's not a problem for me to attend them. I have arranged my hours so that I can drop my kids off at school and be at work by 9. Then turn around and pick them up at 3:45.

Mondays are the exception for the most part. H is off Mondays so he will pick the kids up and take them to after school activities. I work all day in the office Monday.

Tuesday-Friday I work in the office from 9-12, and then from home the rest of the day. This allows me a little more balance (laundry, dishes, repair people, etc).

Granted I also am up every day at 5:30 to log in for 1.5 hrs before getting in the shower and I'm answering emails throughout the evening and logging back in after the kids are in bed for about 1/2 an hour or as needed. My days are long but in our situation this seems to be the way we can make it work.

I get to be as present as I want to be in my kids school life, after school, evenings, but still bring home a decent salary.

It is very exhausting though.

mexicolombiana · August 2013

We make it work because we do both get home by 6 pm every night. If he had different hours or later hours it would be hard but we would still make it work. Do you guys really enjoy your weekends? See we REALLY enjoy our weekends and make them count. We do fun spur of the moment things doing the week too. Even if it's taking a drive to IKEA, or Chuckee Cheese one night during the week, it helps!

We try to take walks every night (when possible) and play in the yard when we get home. We don't stress over things like dinner, if it's ready great, otherwise we pick something up or heat up left overs. We just try not to stress about our every day lives when we come home.

I have to admit though a lot of what we do DOES work because most of the time we're both home at night, so while he gives the girls a bath, I clean up and vice versa. Having a partner at home for bedtime is nice too. After the girls go down I go to the gym or we watch TV together at night. That quality time we have at night together really helps too.

I'm also a really organized person and I make sure to have everything planned out as far as activities go, so we are usually prepared and aren't rushing around on weekends. I try to maximize my hours at work so I don't have to stay late and I try to misc. errands during the work day like during lunch so I don't have to do things at night.

Anyway if I worked past 5 pm or if we had more demanding hours it would obviously be very hard to manage, but I would try to ask for help if possible. Can your parents/family/friends come over during the week to help out? Things like that.

As far as flexibility, I have some at my job. My husband goes to court very often and doesn't have much flexibility. So for example tomorrow we have a pre-k home visit where the teacher comes to meet our toddler at our house for 1/2 an hour. My DH has court in the morning but I don't so I can stay. Then Monday I have to be with her from 9-10:30 for her first day of school and I'm taking off the morning from work. If I had court that morning I wouldn't be able to and my DH has court so he can't take off. So some of it is flexibility plus luck.

married2matt · August 2013

Mos3 said:

married2matt said:

My husband is a LE officer full time and also is a part time SWAT officer that responds to ALL SWAT calls outs. His regular schedule is rotating (nights/days) 10 hour shifts. Basically he has two full time jobs, but is paid for one. When he's not working he often has trainings and classes to attend. I also work FT. We have two kids (ages 5.5 and 7) with one on the way. Some days I wonder if we're crazy.

Because my husband LOVES what he does and I only work to bring in a paycheck (although I've done well at my job and I'm the breadwinner - I don't love what I do and would prefer not to work), it was decided that his job schedule would take priority (if that makes sense).

The only way we survive is that my job is flexible. I've been with the company long enough and have proven myself enough that I'm allowed to work from home as needed. Sick kid ... work from home. School events...it's not a problem for me to attend them. I have arranged my hours so that I can drop my kids off at school and be at work by 9. Then turn around and pick them up at 3:45.

Mondays are the exception for the most part. H is off Mondays so he will pick the kids up and take them to after school activities. I work all day in the office Monday.

Tuesday-Friday I work in the office from 9-12, and then from home the rest of the day. This allows me a little more balance (laundry, dishes, repair people, etc).

Granted I also am up every day at 5:30 to log in for 1.5 hrs before getting in the shower and I'm answering emails throughout the evening and logging back in after the kids are in bed for about 1/2 an hour or as needed. My days are long but in our situation this seems to be the way we can make it work.

I get to be as present as I want to be in my kids school life, after school, evenings, but still bring home a decent salary.

It is very exhausting though.

My DH is LE too, full time on the road and K9/nitrate as well, so esentially 2 full time jobs as well. He has a TON of training and also works crazy hours and a rotating shift. I took a new job in April and hate it. It has zero flexibility and went into a very demanding role and I wish I never left my old position. We're barely managing to keep it together these days and I feel like the kids are suffering. We both feel as though I need to take a step back for a while to be the one who can focus on the house/kids stuff. DH does as much as he can but between working midnights, extra overtime and training, he's barely home to help. We've already outsourced as much as we can. His job is just very demanding. I either need to make aj ob change, or we have to figure out a new plan. No real point to my story other than I can relate.

I can commiserate with the demands of his/your schedule. I always think about how hard it is on me, but I'm sure it's equally as hard on him since he's missing out on so much family time.

If you ever need to vent...look me up! Hang in there and start searching for a new, more flexible job. They are out there!

PixelPosy · August 2013

PrivacyWanted said:
Honestly, things just fall through the cracks and I learn to live with it. The house is never as clean as I like, our yard is a disaster and our garden was barren this year. We see my mom and ILs about once a month - which is a constant bone of contention with my mom, but really all we have time for.

This is us exactly.

alli2672 · August 2013

Your post made me think of Michelle Au's post on her blog a few weeks ago when she decided to go part time. She is an anesthesiologist, and has been pretty outspoken about women in medicine's right to go part-time, but she herself was always adamantly full-time. Anyway, she changed her mind, and did a great job writing about the process. It's very similar to the feelings I had when I decided to go PT, except much more eloquent:

It's hard to know where the tipping point was--though I have to presume that it was at least in part associated with the addition of our much-beloved third child into the mix--but at some point in the last year, things started getting hard. Not impossible, not un-doable, but subtly, Joe and I started to notice just how tight things were getting. Time was tight, at home, with the kids, with each other. Emotional resources were tight. Patience was less of a resource we could reliably depend on. The days and weeks started becoming these things that we were enduring, rather than living, let alone enjoying. Again, the imagery from an old movie comes to mind--inmates in a prison, grimly notching off yet another day on the wall of their cell.

I don't mean to imply that our life is a joyless dirge--far from it. We love our family, we love our jobs. Even working the hours that we do, we try carve out quality time when we can--long weekends, holidays, family vacations where they fit in. We bolus our family time because our basal infusion rate is so parsimonious, but we do make an effort to compensate. And we liked to tell ourselves that this bolus dosing was sufficient, and it worked...not well, but well enough.

But it didn't change the fact that over the past few years, and over the last year in particular, the feeling of our everyday lives becoming something that we were tolerating started to feel more an more pervasive. When you only see your kids for an hour or two at the very tail-end of each day, only to perform the most basic of maintenance for them (bath! brush teeth! yell at them for not taking their baths and brushing their teeth quickly enough because I'm tired and they're tired and everyone's tired so LET'S ALL GO TO BED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE) you start to feel like you're consisting on a diet of discarded crusts in an otherwise empty pizza box. Maybe you can piece together a life in these scraps of the day, but split between three kids, it's simply not enough time.

https://theunderweardrawer.blogspot.com/

blushingbride_08 · August 2013

Dh works full time. I took a major pay cut and quit my ft job after I had LO. I started doing freelance and volunteer work just to keep my foot in the door. After a year of being home with lo I'm ready to work part time and star focusing more on my career. I feel like one person had to take a back seat in their career to stabilize my family. That person was me but we are a team so it works for us. As for our schedule dh watches LO 2 hrs before he goes to work. I use this time to catch up on sleep and shower. I then make us all breakfast and dh leaves for work. I take LO for a play date or activity during the day and try to squeeze in errands. When dh gets home from work he spends about an hr with LO if he is still awake. When LO is in bed I use this time to work and spend time with dh. If lo gets up in the middle of the night then i get up with him while dh sleeps. During the weekend dh mostly watches LO while I do major housework and errands I couldn't do during the week. We had to make financial adjustments to have this lifestyle. I love spa days and eating out and shopping sprees but we cut most of that out so that I can be a stay at home working mom. I enjoy home cooked meals now, diy home spa treatments and bargain shopping. And of course spending quality time with my LO. It works for us.

jf198400 · August 2013

alli2672 said:
Your post made me think of Michelle Au's post on her blog a few weeks ago when she decided to go part time. She is an anesthesiologist, and has been pretty outspoken about women in medicine's right to go part-time, but she herself was always adamantly full-time. Anyway, she changed her mind, and did a great job writing about the process. It's very similar to the feelings I had when I decided to go PT, except much more eloquent:

It's hard to know where the tipping point was--though I have to presume
that it was at least in part associated with the addition of our
much-beloved third child into the mix--but at some point in the last
year, things started getting hard. Not impossible, not un-doable, but
subtly, Joe and I started to notice just how tight things were
getting. Time was tight, at home, with the kids, with each other.
Emotional resources were tight. Patience was less of a resource we could
reliably depend on. The days and weeks started becoming these things
that we were enduring, rather than living, let alone enjoying.
Again, the imagery from an old movie comes to mind--inmates in a prison,
grimly notching off yet another day on the wall of their cell.

I don't mean to imply that our life is a joyless dirge--far from it. We
love our family, we love our jobs. Even working the hours that we do, we
try carve out quality time when we can--long weekends, holidays, family
vacations where they fit in. We bolus our family time because our basal
infusion rate is so parsimonious, but we do make an effort to
compensate. And we liked to tell ourselves that this bolus dosing was
sufficient, and it worked...not well, but well enough.

But it didn't change the fact that over the past few years, and over the
last year in particular, the feeling of our everyday lives becoming
something that we were tolerating started to feel more an more
pervasive. When you only see your kids for an hour or two at the very
tail-end of each day, only to perform the most basic of maintenance for
them (bath! brush teeth! yell at them for not taking their baths and
brushing their teeth quickly enough because I'm tired and they're tired
and everyone's tired so LET'S ALL GO TO BED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE) you
start to feel like you're consisting on a diet of discarded crusts in an
otherwise empty pizza box. Maybe you can piece together a life in these
scraps of the day, but split between three kids, it's simply not enough
time.

https://theunderweardrawer.blogspot.com/

This is making me tear up b/c it explains how I feel. I feel like we're getting by okay, but its not enjoyable. I hate feeling like my kids and husband get the worst of me b/c there's not enough energy or patience left at the end of the day. I hate feeling like I get the worst of my kids b/c they have fun all day at school and then I get them when they are hungry, tired, and cranky. I know that for me personally, I can't continue on like this much longer, something eventually has to give.

SoMoNY · August 2013

We work hard to divide up takes so each of us is carrying half the load.

We alternate working from home or taking time off when bumps appear in the road. When home we divide and conquer after getting off the train - one starts laundry while the other starts dinner, one does bath and bed while other does bills, paperwork.

If our jobs made things too difficult for us we'd switch positions in a heartbeat.

iverske9 · August 2013

I have a great job with pretty reasonable hours (8-4:30pm) so I am home pretty early, my husband works long hours but that is about to change when we have our next child in February. I got a new job and he will only work part time. I think at least one person needs to have reasonable hours or both.

plusoneblog · August 2013

We only have one so far, but I am worried about making it work with two. I keep trying to get switched to part time at work, but they keep stalling on it. Luckily I have a somewhat flexible schedule, but DH often works 6 days a week. Already it's stressful trying to get all the endless house chores done.

DallasHorn · August 2013

I have 3 kids, my eldest nearing 8, DS who just turned 5 and my youngest will be 2 in November. I think the biggest thing that makes it possible for us is that I WFH FT. We have a fabulous FT nanny and I have the flexibility in my job that allows me to still be very connected - meaning I can prep dinner which I make my lunch, I can quickly run to the grocery store midday if I'm not in meeting, or to do a well check at the pedi. DH is in sales and offices out of the house to, so in a pinch if our nanny is sick or on vacation, we make it work. I can't image adding a commute and not feeling overwhelmed, even if I just had 1 or 2 kids.

Reilly626 · August 2013

I think you have to make life as easy as you can like having housekeeping services, ordering groceries online and picking them up, leaving work ASAP and spending quality time with kids. On weekends spend one whole day as a family is key for us.