What I learned from my parents about parenting

MamaHanna · August 2013

I feel like I have learned a lot of good things from my mom about being a mom but also what to avoid at all costs. Right now we are having a fight because she says I don't spend enough time with her. Umm yeah I have a full time job, a residency, grad school, a house to run and I am married and I only see my husband 10 hrs a week tops. She is pissed because she didn't know I was going to my aunts Labor Day BBQ my aunt had to tell her I was coming...ummm I have gone every year since I was a kid, this is a standing family event. It would be like calling to let your parents know you were coming to Christmas dinner.

This made me think about how I will treat my daughter. So the question is: What good things did you learn about parenting from your parents and what things did they teach you NOT to do?

What I learned to do: Always make time for your kids, be strong when they need you, know when to ask for help

What I learned NOT to do: Demand all of my childs time(even as an adult), make them feel bad about their looks or the way they dress, support them no matter what

insertclevername · August 2013

My mom was the best mother that she could be given the circumstances that she lived in (wife of an alcoholic and victim of domestic violence). I am using my parents as a "What not to do" guidebook for parenting.

mavgirl_73 · August 2013

My mom taught me that as a woman there is nothing I cannot do but that as a mother she sacrificed her time with me for her career. She is far more loving and in touch with my kids as a grandmother. She was very harsh and abrasive as a mother but she did what she had to do to raise me basically on her own.

nofcksgiven · August 2013

My mother was never consistent with me. It was just the two of us for a long time before she married my stepfather and she couldn't decide if she wanted to parent or be a friend. That made for some very hard teenage years- for both of us. I never paid attention to her because I knew I didn't have to.

All in all, she was a great mom. I kinda feel like a crappy person right now because I could go on listing what she did wrong, but can't specifically point to what she did right.

jaembree · August 2013

Honestly, when I was young I swore I would never be like my parents. Now as an adult, I realize how tremendously blessed I was. My parents were and are wonderful. Some things I learned: absolutely unconditional love, supporting the ones you love, and most importantly, when you are raising your child, you need to be a parent. It's not until later that you can become friends. My parents were a bit more strict with me growing up than my friends' parents were, but they were raising me. Now that I am and adult, they are my absolute best friends. There is no pressure with them, just love and acceptance.

From your list, I think you are going to be a great mommy

MEP923 · August 2013

My parents gave me the best childhood in the world. I can't say one bad thing about it. I could quite literally go on and on about the thousand things they taught me about parenting. My only downside to that is as wonderful as my childhood was, I wish they gave me more responsibility. We had to do good in school, have summer jobs and we were always in sports but once we were home we didn't have many responsibilities. I was the girl who had no idea how to cook or do laundry when I went to college.

lilypienmessimy · August 2013

Great topic, I enjoy reading what everyone has to say. I had a wonderful life growing up and my mom was and is the most loving, giving and selfless person I know. If I could be half as good of a mother she has been then I would be happy. She attended every single sporting event, never said no to things I wanted to try out and always believed in me. My mom also compensated for my dad. My dad owns his own business and works a lot, but I promised myself I wouldn't marry a man like him because he never came to any sports games, never interacted with us at home and we really just never had a good relationship. I'm thankful my DH is incredible and will be a very active and involved father.

nicholssquared · August 2013

The best thing I learned from my mother is to communicate honestly. My mother was passive aggressive to her husband and children through my entire childhood. She was so eager to be the martyr and make us all feel bad that even when we would ask if she wanted something, needed help, or was upset in anyway, she would just sigh dramatically and say, "no...". That made making her happy very hard, and it also messed up my perception of communication.

When I was trying to have a relationship with DH, at first it was very hard, because if I asked if he was ever upset and he would say, "no," I wouldn't believe him, and I would go on feeling guilty and worrying about it when there really was no problem! It really messed me up and it took a long time to really correctly interpret what people were saying to me.

willowprincess · August 2013

Good: be understanding instead of judging, always be there no matter what, be aware of my children's differences and change the way I do things to best suit who they are

bad: don't guilt trip them to passive-agressively get them to do what I want

frantastic12 · August 2013

I think I'm using my parents as more of a "what not to do" guide. They divorced when I was young (which I've never had issues with, since I barely remember them together). I know that my childhood could have been much worse, but I'm still having a hard time coming up with much that I want to follow with my own child(ren).

I cannot remember a single time in my life that my mom has paid me a compliment, or told me she was proud of me, but she always took time to brag about & take credit for whatever I've done in life. She had (and still has) zero respect for her children's privacy; I know that if I tell her anything private, it will immediately be relayed to her friends and my aunts, and this has really hurt our relationship as a result. The last straw was when I got engaged; I told now-H not to tell her ahead of time whenever he decided to propose. He did anyway, and of course my whole family knew before it even happened. We waited to tell her I was pregnant until we were OK with it being public. The first thing she did was complain that I didn't tell her earlier. I've confronted her about these issues, but it's been pretty useless. It always turns into a "nobody loves me" guilt fest on her part.

My dad is very distant, almost like he doesn't pay attention when he has a conversation with his kids. He also treats us like we're incapable of being adults (we were too young to drive, to move out, etc....good thing I lived with my mom and she got to make the call on both of those). He also married a woman who said extremely hurtful things to my brother and I, but never stood up for us.

northport6 · August 2013

My mom taught me to work hard, save my money, be independent.

Unfortunately: She also taught me that conflict avoidance at all costs is good, and to hold in your feelings until you explode all over the people you love. So there's obviously some stuff that I won't be taking with me into parenthood.

esf60 · August 2013

My passed away when I was a teenager, and although I've dealt with it well over the years (thanks, therapy), this year has been much, much harder than the past few, with a new baby on the way. I have so many questions, and feel so cheated out of an adult relationship with her, now that she would have been a grandmother. I try to recall her and think about what she would do. I feel so lucky to have had her as a mom, she was the best.

The most important thing I learned from her is that you always give back, and always help others, no matter what your station in life. Even as she was battling and dying from breast cancer, she was volunteering and doing for everyone else, especially her family. That's how I live my life now, and that's one thing (among many) I hope to instill in my daughter that I got from my mom.

kaiteygrl · August 2013

for the most part my grandparents raised me, however I learned a lot about what (not) to do as a parent from my mom, too. She struggled with alcohol and drug problems, but when she was there she somehow made sure that our relationship was very open. I never hesitated to talk to my mom about anything or ask her questions. Especially sex things. I told my mom an hour before I lost my virginity. I want my children to feel that open and trusting of me as well. I'm just not quite sure how to have that type of relationship for those things (drugs sex etc) but still be a parent and not a friend.

northport6 · August 2013

superspecialsnowflake said:

northport6 said:

My mom taught me to work hard, save my money, be independent.

Unfortunately: She also taught me that conflict avoidance at all costs is good, and to hold in your feelings until you explode all over the people you love. So there's obviously some stuff that I won't be taking with me into parenthood.

My family is kind of the same way - very conservative with expressing feelings. I don't think I recognize as well as I should when I'm experiencing stress, because it's kind of a repressed emotion in the home I grew up in. I also think it's why I'm such an ugly crier, lol. I try to hold it in until I can't anymore, and by that time I'm just a hot mess.

It was such an odd sensation going to my MIL's funeral a few years ago and being able to cry openly and freely with everyone. My family is pretty reserved about those things, but it felt good to be able to freely mourn with my husband's family.

It's very much a Thing I Have Worked On in therapy. Like, I probably spent two years just talking about how her tendency to pretend that everything is normal until the last straw hits was baffling to me when I was little, and put a little distance between us. I cope with it much better now, understanding why she is the way she is (distant and alcoholic father, codependent but hard-nosed mother), and accepting that she is this person and I must not expect her to behave otherwise. And consequently our relationship is great and I EMOTE ALL THE FEELS ALL THE TIME. DH once said to me early in our relationship that a thing he likes about me is that he always knows what I'm feeling, and where he stands with me. Read: Never shuts up about feelingz for fear of turning into mother.

molisar · August 2013

I loved every aspects of how my parents raised me. However, I wish they had taught me more about Finances. I was really hard working in high school, but didn't save a dime of it and really regret that. We already have DS set up with an EdVest account, and his own little savings account. Also, once he starts working we plan to set up a retirement account of some sort (whatever is recommended at that time). We'll do a similar thing with this LO.

ladameperdue · August 2013

My mom was a wonderful SAHM, almost cookie cutter TV SAHM...super involved, pretty much waiting for us with a plate of homemade organic cookies after school. While this was probably great to age 5, it was OTT as an older child and teenager. She was way too invested in our friendships and activities; she honestly needed her own outlet, and now even she wishes she had gone back to work. We were her life, and although I intend to love this little one with all my heart, I want to show her that I can be a good mother while also having a purpose of my own.

margaerytyrell · August 2013

My parents were very supportive of me and gave me everything they had. I was fortunate and spoiled growing up. But I learned plenty of what NOT to do with my kids. I will do my best not to say I'm fat, need to lose weight, look like shit, have too many wrinkles, etc. I had to listen to that all the time from my mom. Damn. I had others but now I can't remember them and it's time to leave for my doctors appointment.

Ktrue85 · August 2013

Family FIRST, always. Also, to keep an open and honest dialogue at all times with your kids.

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