Fussy baby. Friends/family hold him for hours!

406chandler · August 2013

My son is 10 days old. When family and friends come over they hold my baby for hours. (When he cries they give him back to me to nurse) After everyone leaves he is so fussy. I cant put him down. He nurses for 3 min and falls asleep so I put him down and he wakes right up screaming! Mouth open looking to suck. And same thing over and over till finally some how he stays asleep...... For 4-5 hrs! This kind of handling can not be good for him. What does everyone else think? And if so how do I tell people not to pass him around or hold him to long?

406chandler · August 2013

VASC said:
Maybe the problem is not necessarily all the holding, but that he is overstimulated? Getting too tired too quickly in between naps?

So what is overstimulating him if not the holding?

hunnygirl · August 2013

Does he not fall asleep while they are holding him? I would let them hold him for about an hour and then day you need to nurse or change his diaper and that he needs to go down for a nap because he has been getting overstimulated. Most people are understanding. How often are they coming over?

You can also stand up after an hour (or however long you are comfortable with them staying) and say, "Thank you for coming by. LO and I will walk you out. We need to nap now." You are recovering too.

Also, I can't tell if you are frustrated that LO is only sleeping a 4-5 hour stretch, but at 10 days old that is "sleeping through the night".

cinderin · August 2013

406chandler said:

My son is 10 days old. When family and friends come over they hold my baby for hours. (When he cries they give him back to me to nurse) After everyone leaves he is so fussy. I cant put him down. He nurses for 3 min and falls asleep so I put him down and he wakes right up screaming! Mouth open looking to suck. And same thing over and over till finally some how he stays asleep...... For 4-5 hrs! This kind of handling can not be good for him. What does everyone else think? And if so how do I tell people not to pass him around or hold him to long?

he sounds hungry. I am EBF and my LO does the same thing. I just keep feeding him and feeding him until he is full.

hunnygirl · August 2013

cinderin said:

406chandler said:

My son is 10 days old. When family and friends come over they hold my baby for hours. (When he cries they give him back to me to nurse) After everyone leaves he is so fussy. I cant put him down. He nurses for 3 min and falls asleep so I put him down and he wakes right up screaming! Mouth open looking to suck. And same thing over and over till finally some how he stays asleep...... For 4-5 hrs! This kind of handling can not be good for him. What does everyone else think? And if so how do I tell people not to pass him around or hold him to long?

he sounds hungry. I am EBF and my LO does the same thing. I just keep feeding him and feeding him until he is full.

I agree.

cyprissa · August 2013

Yeah, he sounds hungry. Also, if they are just holding him and not constantly in his face, I doubt he is overstimulated. Babies like to be held....many newborn babies like to be held all.the.time.

AllieAGame · August 2013

Remember newborns should never be awake more than 2 hours at a time (and then they need a nice long nap- 30 minutes or more if they will do it). Maybe all the holding and being passed around is keeping him up too long. When your LO wakes up, set a 1.5 hour timer (especially when visitors are over) and then when the timer goes off, the guests have to leave or at least leave your LO alone so he can nurse and have a proper nap.

Snoozing for a few minutes on Auntie Edna's shoulder doesn't count as a nap.

CNYBride05 · August 2013

He's been "held" and rocked 24/7 until 10 days ago. Of course he wants to be held! Newborns should not be expected to self-soothe, they should be held most of the time. In many cultures, infants are never not held.

jayro10 · August 2013

At our breastfeeding class, the LC was talking about how all the "pass the baby" when they're newborns really does affect them, even if they're asleep the whole time. She recommended that as newborns, they should be given back to mom or dad every two people. So, grandma gets a snuggle and then grandpa gets a snuggle, and then right back to mom or dad (preferably mom) for a long stretch and to feed if necessary. She said that all the passing and being away from mom too much during the day causes them to have trouble sleeping later, and then it's baby, mom, and dad who pay the price for all the passing around.

There was one day that we had a stupid amount of visitors after we came home, and we all definitely paid the price that night. After that, we enforced the "back to mom every two people" and limited the amount of time that others held her, and it made a difference. Don't be afraid to speak up and do what you need to do for your family. My DH isn't shy and was great at telling people what's up and no one had a problem with it.

406chandler · August 2013

hunnygirl said:
Does he not fall asleep while they are holding him? I would let them hold him for about an hour and then day you need to nurse or change his diaper and that he needs to go down for a nap because he has been getting overstimulated. Most people are understanding. How often are they coming over?

You can also stand up after an hour (or however long you are comfortable with them staying) and say, "Thank you for coming by. LO and I will walk you out. We need to nap now." You are recovering too.

Also, I can't tell if you are frustrated that LO is only sleeping a 4-5 hour stretch, but at 10 days old that is "sleeping through the night".

Frustrated about the length of time asleep without a feeding because I think its to long asleep. He wakes up after that starving, scarfs down breast milk, spits up half of it, gets the hickups, and fusses because I think he has a tummy ach from stuffing himself. I am a FTM so these observations are only my own and could be totally wrong. Also I have more than one visitors a day. My SIL holds him no less than 4 hrs at a time. When i tell people that i need to change him they say "I will do it" or if i said we need to nap they say "you go lay down il hold him while you sleep." We spent 5 days in the hospital due to a stressfull delivery. In 10 days every day and night is so different but I feel like when he gets passed around a lot it is crazy

406chandler · August 2013

cyprissa said:
Yeah, he sounds hungry. Also, if they are just holding him and not constantly in his face, I doubt he is overstimulated. Babies like to be held....many newborn babies like to be held all.the.time.

They are always in his face. "I want him to open his eyes!" Is what I hear. They change positions with him all the time. I do take him back when he gets upset to feed him but he falls asleep with my breast in his mouth in about 3-5 min.

406chandler · August 2013

jayro10 said:
At our breastfeeding class, the LC was talking about how all the "pass the baby" when they're newborns really does affect them, even if they're asleep the whole time. She recommended that as newborns, they should be given back to mom or dad every two people. So, grandma gets a snuggle and then grandpa gets a snuggle, and then right back to mom or dad (preferably mom) for a long stretch and to feed if necessary. She said that all the passing and being away from mom too much during the day causes them to have trouble sleeping later, and then it's baby, mom, and dad who pay the price for all the passing around.

There was one day that we had a stupid amount of visitors after we came home, and we all definitely paid the price that night. After that, we enforced the "back to mom every two people" and limited the amount of time that others held her, and it made a difference. Don't be afraid to speak up and do what you need to do for your family. My DH isn't shy and was great at telling people what's up and no one had a problem with it.

Yesterday we went to grandmas (husbands mom) house, she held him. My 3 friends came over after lunch and all held him, but they were respectful and put him down a bit. Then at 6pm like clock work he gets fussy and after 2 hrs of cry and fuss i finally got him to sleep and then my mom came over. I said dont wake him up he is tired. And my mom says "it is good for him to be wallered and held" UGH...you cant tell her anything! I still told her to leave him alone.

406chandler · August 2013

I have another BF class Wednesday. I will discus this with her.

Cricket81 · August 2013

Up until at least 3 weeks, I was waking LO up to eat if he went more than 3 hours. I know they say you can let them sleep if they are back up to birth weight, but when I did that my guy was so hungry and worked up that he was really hard to get back to sleep. He is 6 weeks now and we still haven't had 2 days that were close to the same. Most days I feed him every 60-90 minutes and a nursing session can last 45 minutes, so I can't imagine someone else holding him 4 hours. If he falls asleep either wake him up or just leave him there for a few minutes. Mine often wakes up within a minute or two and keeps nursing. It's rarely 15 minutes of constant eating and then done.

We typically asked people to visit around dinner time. They brought food and then they could only stay so long because it would get late. The only person who really spent the day with me was mom and that was only twice when DH went back to work.

homebird · August 2013

I think it's perfectly fine (and good) for your newborn to be held. And to clarify, babies are considered newborns up until 3 months of age.

When you try to lay him down when they leave is he sleepy? Have you tried swaddling him? White noise? Where are you laying him down? Some babies don't like a crib because it's too open. Have you tried a swing or bouncer, or maybe a rock 'n play?

Some babies just like to be held no matter what. Graham is that way. If he could, he'd be held 24/7. I'm helping him learn to sleep on his own, but it takes time and patience. Check out the No Cry Sleep Solution and Happiest Baby on the Block for some helpful advice.

homebird · August 2013

Also, I agree with the others that he sounds hungry. Some babies are snackers ( I have one) and like to eat small amounts more often. Others are suckers and just need a pacifier in between feedings to soothe themselves.

homebird · August 2013

406chandler said:

Yeah, he sounds hungry. Also, if they are just holding him and not constantly in his face, I doubt he is overstimulated. Babies like to be held....many newborn babies like to be held all.the.time.
They are always in his face. "I want him to open his eyes!" Is what I hear. They change positions with him all the time. I do take him back when he gets upset to feed him but he falls asleep with my breast in his mouth in about 3-5 min.

Ha, people said this to me all the time. "He's sleeping every time I see him!" Um, yes. He's a baby and he needs his sleep. Leave him the eff alone, lol.

406chandler · August 2013

homebird said:

I think it's perfectly fine (and good) for your newborn to be held. And to clarify, babies are considered newborns up until 3 months of age.

When you try to lay him down when they leave is he sleepy? Have you tried swaddling him? White noise? Where are you laying him down? Some babies don't like a crib because it's too open. Have you tried a swing or bouncer, or maybe a rock 'n play?

Some babies just like to be held no matter what. Graham is that way. If he could, he'd be held 24/7. I'm helping him learn to sleep on his own, but it takes time and patience. Check out the No Cry Sleep Solution and Happiest Baby on the Block for some helpful advice.
I have read that book and we do all 5. The problem isn't that HE wants to be held. He is perfectly fine in his swing. I feel like guests are holding him to much, playing with his hair, wanting him to wake up to see his eyes, looking at his toes. When they leave he is restless and fussy. Takes me forever to calm him. When he calms, falls asleep, he sleeps for a long time. Wakes up and eats so fast he spits up half of it. I am going to keep a log of his sleep and eating habits and how it correlates with visitors.

406chandler · August 2013

homebird said:

Also, I agree with the others that he sounds hungry. Some babies are snackers ( I have one) and like to eat small amounts more often. Others are suckers and just need a pacifier in between feedings to soothe themselves.

In the hospital (we had to stay 5 days. He was on IV's and had to stay in the nursery) the nurses asked me (I had a no pacifier policy) if they could give him a pacifier because all he wanted to do was suck. And they are right. He would suck on anything that came close to his lips! He has a very strong suck. That is another issue we have with breastfeeding. Also I have a large supply of milk. So that is why he has a hard time spitting up. But! if he is not upset and doesn't sleep more than 2 hrs between feedings he keeps it down fairly well. But if he has gone a while without feeding he is like a wild animal! I do what I can to ease the flow before he nurses. But he is like a vacuum! I am going to consult my lactation specialist on Wednesday to see if she thinks visitors are having an impact on sleep/nursing. I know he is hungry when he feeds like this that is obvious. I would just like to find a way to avoid him getting so hungry and getting to that point.

jayro10 · August 2013

I think it sounds like you need to start limiting visitors and the amount of time they spend holding him and fussing over him. If they don't like it, it's their problem, not yours. You need to do what's best for your child, and clearly the way things are currently going is not working.

cyprissa · August 2013

You've gotten good advice from pps. Definitely stand up for yourself and your baby. I hold my baby constantly but I would NOT be ok with people being constantly in his face and trying to wake him. Kick everyone out and just relax on your own. Snuggle, nap, read a book, play and watch some bad daytime TV.

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