People inviting themselves to the delivery?

Misskara19 · August 2013

I have a friend who for the past 7 years of our friendship talks about never having kids for a multitude of reasons. I totally get why she wouldn't and I never really talked about babies with her (I'm a Childcare worker). Then I got pregnant and suddenly she is reading all the books and calling herself my birth partner, trying to give me parening advice and inviting herself to the delivery room. She's never been around a baby for more than a few hours and hates when they cry.
Now please don't get me wrong, I'm so happy she wants to experience birth first hand but knowing she was not an expert at all I've never once asked her for advice, and I definitely never assigned her as birth partner (hello, that's my husband) or even invited her to be there for delivery. When she mentions these things I'm just in shock and I've told her well maybe if hubby can't be there (he travels for work). I don't know how to go about telling her that she really needs to think about having a baby of her own if she wants all of the "fun" I'm going through now without sounding like a total hormonal B. I would love for her to visit but this is not her baby or even a niece/nephew or godchild- we're just friends. Sorry this is so long! Any advice to go about this gently is greatly appreciated!

bellamatson · August 2013

I would tell her to back off and quit making plans. Lol her intentions are good I suppose, but that is your husbands job.

citybeach · August 2013

Maybe she feels your child will be the closest child to her? If she doesn't have family with small children, or want them herself. In her mind she's probably being helpful and supportive. Seeing you pregnant may have also softened her view on having kids. I would just make clear what your intentions are for your pregnancy and birth as the chance arises (e.g. special bonding time for you and your husband etc)

Misskara19 · August 2013

@bellamatson I'm glad I'm not beig too crazy about this! My husband feels trampled over (he tells me afterward of course) whenever she says this stuff in front of him but he is so non-confrontational I can't see him calling her out.
@ozzyinbelgium I never really thought about the fact she doesn't have any kids in her family, so you're probably right in her thinking she's being supportive. I'm just worried if I say "well, husband and I have decided we only want us the midwife and the doula there" that she will be super offended. Should I just bite the bullet and say it? I know a lot of friendships dissolve with childless friends after baby. Don't mind my rambling but maybe I should bring up "so what do you think about having kids with your boyfriend someday?" Or is that too awkward. Thanks so much for the help so far guys!

citybeach · August 2013

Misskara19 said:

@ozzyinbelgium I never really thought about the fact she doesn't have any kids in her family, so you're probably right in her thinking she's being supportive. I'm just worried if I say "well, husband and I have decided we only want us the midwife and the doula there" that she will be super offended. Should I just bite the bullet and say it? I know a lot of friendships dissolve with childless friends after baby. Don't mind my rambling but maybe I should bring up "so what do you think about having kids with your boyfriend someday?" Or is that too awkward. Thanks so much for the help so far guys!

You shouldn't be afraid to be honest with her..It's such a private, intimate moment entering a LO into the world and you and your husband should do exactly as you want. It is a little strange she just expects to be at your birth but that could just be excitement. No harm in asking her if you think she'll change her stance and want kids one day either IMO

She's obviously enjoying the experience with you. If she's a true friend she'll come around and support you regardless.

peanutmuse · August 2013

Misskara19 said:

I don't know how to go about telling her that she really needs to think about having a baby of her own if she wants all of the "fun" I'm going through now without sounding like a total hormonal B.

I want to address the above statement. Everything you wrote was completely fine and rational, except for this line. Her desire to be in the delivery room with you really has nothing to do with her having a baby. It sounds like she wants to witness something that she plans to never experience. If you say something like the above to her, you will end up sounding like a hormonal bitch. It's completely unnecessary to say this particular thing to her. You have a right to have whomever you want (or don't want) in the room with you. Bringing up her desire to have or not have kids really has nothing to do with it.

It also sounds like you opened the door a little bit when you told her that she could maybe be there with you if your husband was not there. You need to close that door, and yes, say that you only want the midwife and doula in there. Tell her that the doula is the person you have chosen to help if your husband can't be there.

I would seriously discourage you from entering into any type of conversation about her not wanting kids based on her desire to be in the delivery room. They really don't have anything to do with each other, and it might be a sensitive subject for her. (There could be something physically that prevents her from having children, there could be some sort of past abuse that you don't know about, etc.) This is already going to be an emotional conversation, from the sounds of it. But you need to make this about you and your needs. Your labor has nothing to do with her upbringing with no kids, her not liking to be around babies when they cry, etc. It's as simple as that.

It certainly could be a separate conversation at a different time. But I would let her bring it up -- not force her to talk about it.

knottie3c0525a8a3c64eaa · August 2013

I hear you. I was the first one of my girlfriends to get married and have kids. My friends were not mature enough to understand how these things work. I was able to get away with not telling them when I was in labor but I did have an all day long hospital visit of THREE friends. They were driving me nuts saying with a high pitch voice of how proud they were, and how great I did. They were just being sweet but I just wanted to cry.
Don't tell her when you're in labor - you will be busy anyways and won't have time to text

PreDempsey · August 2013

I agree with @icoelho. If you don't tell her you're in labor she can't be there. It's going to be a crazy and exciting moment so she should understand that you aren't going to alert your entire phone book. Shoot her a text after baby is here so she can come visit if you want.

peanutmuse · August 2013

PreDempsey said:

I agree with @icoelho. If you don't tell her you're in labor she can't be there. It's going to be a crazy and exciting moment so she should understand that you aren't going to alert your entire phone book. Shoot her a text after baby is here so she can come visit if you want.

That doesn't really address the calls, the parenting advice, etc., though. That's why I'm always for addressing issues, rather than taking the passive aggressive route. People don't know how you feel unless you tell them.

PreDempsey · August 2013

peanutmuse said:

PreDempsey said:

I agree with @icoelho. If you don't tell her you're in labor she can't be there. It's going to be a crazy and exciting moment so she should understand that you aren't going to alert your entire phone book. Shoot her a text after baby is here so she can come visit if you want.

That doesn't really address the calls, the parenting advice, etc., though. That's why I'm always for addressing issues, rather than taking the passive aggressive route. People don't know how you feel unless you tell them.

That's true. I guess most of my experience with crappy advice happens in passing with people I don't regularly communicate with. Time to have a uneasy convo OP.

peanutmuse · August 2013

PreDempsey said:

peanutmuse said:

PreDempsey said:

I agree with @icoelho. If you don't tell her you're in labor she can't be there. It's going to be a crazy and exciting moment so she should understand that you aren't going to alert your entire phone book. Shoot her a text after baby is here so she can come visit if you want.

That doesn't really address the calls, the parenting advice, etc., though. That's why I'm always for addressing issues, rather than taking the passive aggressive route. People don't know how you feel unless you tell them.

That's true. I guess most of my experience with crappy advice happens in passing with people I don't regularly communicate with. Time to have a uneasy convo OP.

You are super lucky! I have a bad advice giver who I see at least 3-4 times a week. I actually had to tell her to back off. In a nice way, of course. But still in a typical blunt Peanut way, too.

kschref · August 2013

My best friend is doing something similar. She is a nurse who is married to an older man who cannot have children and she has PCOS, so is pretty sure she will never have children of her own. If we have a girl, she will be the godmother. If we have a boy, we have somebody else in mind and then my friend would be godmother to a second child regardless. She is coming to my A/S on Tuesday with myself and my husband to see if it is a boy or a girl. She is helping me plan and decorate my nursery, and is taking me shopping tomorrow for more maternity clothes. All this is okay; we are very, very close.

She recently tried to invite herself to the birth. I told her that she's welcome to come to the hospital to visit afterwards, but that the only people I want in the room with me are the doctors and my husband. I think that people get excited and they don't always think through what the implications are for the stress of the mother. We have to protect ourselves and be firm, even with the closest people in our lives. My friend understood completely, and I hope your friend would too. And even if they don't I don't feel like this is the time, in my life anyway, to soothe every ruffled feeling where it concerns myself and my child. I wouldn't feel bad about being firm with anyone about what you feel is best for you and yours.

Misskara19 · August 2013

Wow thank you guys so much for all of the advice and suggestions! Looks like I'll have to have a heart to heart and just stand my ground and hope our friendship can withstand the misunderstandings. Thanks again!