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Annoying my Birth Mom

ABMomofBBx3ABMomofBBx3 member
in Adoption
Ok, this is kind of weird, please don't judge.  We are adopting (for the 2nd time..DS1's sib..same BM).  I remember doing this with DS1, and here I am doing it again.  So, I have a need to constantly be in touch with BM.  Either by email or FB messages, just confirming that she is ok..almost like "Hey ..remember me?  I'm still here!" kind of thing.  I think I have pinned it down to the fact that she has the baby in her belly and I don't, so she is my link to the baby.  I'm thinking that's where that contact need comes from, if that makes any sense?  Anyway, most days she is very good about responding and chats a bit.  But on days that she doesn't answer me I freak out that she is changing her mind or something is going on.  It's completely unreasonable.  Anybody else experience anything like this?  Any tips on how to release what I can't control and leave her alone?

Ugh..after reading this I actually feel embarrassed by it.
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Re: Annoying my Birth Mom

  • maryoosamaryoosa member
    It's called anxiety. I feel the same way about the parent who placed with us. We text message and if they take a while to respond I start freaking out that they are going to revoke consent (we live in a 30 day state). I experienced this throughout the entire matched period.

    Try to honor that you are anxious. That it's your stuff. And that she actually doesn't have to be in touch with you. And that while it's hard and scary for you, it's also probably really challenging and terrifying to her.

    And also- ask her how she feels about contact. I would check in with the person we were matched with and say "hey, are we bugging you too much? If we are, tell us to back off" etc.
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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  • ABMomofBBx3ABMomofBBx3 member
    Thanks @maryoosa.  I have apologized multiple times for it, and she says that it doesn't bother her, she thinks it's sweet how excited we are.  But until you wrote it, I had never considered this to be an anxiety issue.  Thanks for pointing it out that way! 
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  • Dr.LorettaDr.Loretta member

    Definitely an anxiety thing, and perfectly normal. We have a semi-open agreement with DD's birthmom, so there are times we don't communicate often. But when we get longer stretches that we don't hear from her, I start to worry. Is she OK? Is she sad? Is she having a hard time? Does she not want to talk to us? And every time I verbalize it, I get a message from her the next day.

    As long as you recognize it, and she's OK with the level of contact, I wouldn't stress about it too much.

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  • ABMomofBBx3ABMomofBBx3 member
    Thank you Ladies.  I have definitely scaled back the contact.  I have explained my anxieties to her, appologized and have let her take the lead as far as contact goes.  She is keeping in touch and it eases my mind.  Thanks for your thoughts.  The scheduled contact days is a great idea I think I will mention to her and see if she likes it.
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